My heart just so goes out to you Janet, I guess as women, we all know that sinking feeling in our hearts when we love someone and the ground we usually stand on together is shaken. I know I do, and I feel for you.
I was reading what the other wise women are telling you and I remembered many moons ago I attended this very large workshop where there was a dialogue between men and women for an entire weekend. There were 200 men and 200 women so it was not an intimate space but man, I learned a lot. The facilitator put the question out, 'What do you want from your partner?' And, then he passed the microphone around the audience and first the men responded and the women listened, and then the women responded and the men listened. What an eye opener! Of course, we said for him to show his love for us by spending time, getting us flowers, for him to remember all the important dates, birthdays, anniversary's, etc., mostly about the attention he pays us. The men said, they wanted to leave the house each day with their woman sending them off with a smile and a kiss and when they return to greet them with the same. And, in between to have sex! Okay, the sex part was no big surprise, but the small gesture of sending them off with love and receiving them home was amazing to me. They all said pretty much the same thing, how they wanted to be seen and valued in a way that we don't really understand, it's the ego thing, but they want to think we see them as heroes. I listened to 200 men, of all different ages and backgrounds say the same thing! They do look at relationship so differently, once they 'capture' us, working, fixing things, driving us around, becomes their way of showing their love, what hearts and roses said. They need to be shown what we want, they just don't know. MY SO says that all the time, he says, "we guys are clueless, you women have to show us what you want." Then they spring into action.
I know the two of you have gone through so much negative stuff lately. You've lost your connection. I agree with what others are saying, it may be up to you to put the first white flag out and make an advance in his direction. For me, I've accepted that role with my SO, they are usually clueless on how to bridge the gap between us, but we aren't, we know how to do that. You know how to do that. I think we just have to put aside our "rightness" sometimes, until we regain our connection and put the relationship back on track. Then later, when tensions aren't running so high, you can tell him how this all felt to you. But, for right now, it may demand that you surrender, put down your arms, your weapons, your rightness, and walk towards the perceived enemy camp. You may find, in your surrender, his willingness to surrender is just waiting on yours.
I was reading what the other wise women are telling you and I remembered many moons ago I attended this very large workshop where there was a dialogue between men and women for an entire weekend. There were 200 men and 200 women so it was not an intimate space but man, I learned a lot. The facilitator put the question out, 'What do you want from your partner?' And, then he passed the microphone around the audience and first the men responded and the women listened, and then the women responded and the men listened. What an eye opener! Of course, we said for him to show his love for us by spending time, getting us flowers, for him to remember all the important dates, birthdays, anniversary's, etc., mostly about the attention he pays us. The men said, they wanted to leave the house each day with their woman sending them off with a smile and a kiss and when they return to greet them with the same. And, in between to have sex! Okay, the sex part was no big surprise, but the small gesture of sending them off with love and receiving them home was amazing to me. They all said pretty much the same thing, how they wanted to be seen and valued in a way that we don't really understand, it's the ego thing, but they want to think we see them as heroes. I listened to 200 men, of all different ages and backgrounds say the same thing! They do look at relationship so differently, once they 'capture' us, working, fixing things, driving us around, becomes their way of showing their love, what hearts and roses said. They need to be shown what we want, they just don't know. MY SO says that all the time, he says, "we guys are clueless, you women have to show us what you want." Then they spring into action.
I know the two of you have gone through so much negative stuff lately. You've lost your connection. I agree with what others are saying, it may be up to you to put the first white flag out and make an advance in his direction. For me, I've accepted that role with my SO, they are usually clueless on how to bridge the gap between us, but we aren't, we know how to do that. You know how to do that. I think we just have to put aside our "rightness" sometimes, until we regain our connection and put the relationship back on track. Then later, when tensions aren't running so high, you can tell him how this all felt to you. But, for right now, it may demand that you surrender, put down your arms, your weapons, your rightness, and walk towards the perceived enemy camp. You may find, in your surrender, his willingness to surrender is just waiting on yours.