Minor dilemma/potential major blow up

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Jun 9, 2014.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Will try to make this short. Our adult bio super easy child married son lives in a city three to four hours away with his wife and son (toddler).
    difficult child is rarely invited to this area because of her crazy behaviors. She never is invited to holidays. She has almost been for Xmas, but inevitably right before Xmas, she behaves oddly and my husband tells her "forget it," we are not taking you. She is in her twenties, adopted, has Bipolar illness.

    Last summer we took her up for a vacation. Had nice things planned. She begged us to drop her off in a city one hour away for an afternoon with an old friend. She went...it was a disaster. They got drunk, her friend dumped her in a shopping mall...major drama. We all were stressed beyond belief. husband put her on a train that took her straight home. (She doesn't live with us, has an apartment in our home city).

    For the last few months, difficult child has been ok. She feels bad that she has seen so little of her nephew. So, I (stupidly) told her that we could do like we do for Xmas, if she is taking her medications and there is no major drama in the months preceding the birthday, she could probably come.

    Wrong. Wrong answer. Son, husband, daughter in law are all mad at me. Said that they do not want her at toddler grandson's birthday. It is their (parents) decision. I think they are right. Yikes!

    I fear difficult child will go ballistic when she finds out she cannot work her way into that toddler birthday party. Our son, her brother, does NOT trust her no way, now how.
    He says she can come another time briefly this summer. husband barely wants her up there with us...period.

    How do I break the news to her? The news that she can NOT come to her nephews party under any circumstances. I don't think difficult child' s are real big on accepting personal responsibility.
  2. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Ouch. I could so easily have gotten myself in your position!

    I think the only out is surgical...clean and soon.

    difficult child, I'm so sorry, I spoke too clearly. Once I thought about things more and talked to the rest of the family I realized I should not invited you. This isn't the year for you to come to x's birthday party. Maybe we can work out a visit for later in the summer.

    Talk to you later ! (this will work if you are on the phone).

    If you are face to face...she'll start sputtering...."WHAT??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN??? THIS IS SO UNFAIR!!""

    To which you reply,

    I'm sorry, honey, this party is really about (insert toddler's name) and that is how it is.


    I'm saying we want to focus on the baby.


    I'm sorry you are disappointed.


    "I don't think you should do that. That would be making it about you instead of the baby, and we know that isn't right."

    I HATE YOU!!!

    "I'm sorry you feel that way right now."



    "I HATE sister in law!!! THIS IS ALL HER FAULT!!"

    "We all agreed that we want the focus to be on the baby."


    "We can talk about that later."

    How'm I doing?

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  3. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

  4. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    yes something like what echo said, need to shut this idea of her attending down now. i live with 2 people with bipolar and when they get an idea that something is happening that doesn't happen they don't deal well with it at all.

    might fib and say you weren't aware they had invited entire play group/ nursery school and there might be 20 kids under 3yo there.

    if she still wants to attend a party with 20 toddlers get her into a crisis center for psychiatric evaluation and she will be inpatient on the day of the party.

    sending hugs and good thoughts your way

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  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I have a suggestion as I don't believe that talking too much with difficult children is good. They rarely let things go and can blow up bigger than the balloon from The Wizard of Oz. So I'd make up a little white lie; the sort of lie that hurts nobody and can smooth things over, sort of like saying, "Yes, I like it very much" when somebody asks you if you like their horrendous new shoes. You can't tell the truth to the shoe lady or you'll hurt her feelings. Telling difficult child the truth will cause you angst, drama, and probably hurt her feelings too. I'd write my play this way:

    You: I made a mistake about Grandson's birthday. They want to keep it very small and only the grandparents are invited, no other relatives.

    Her: (whatever angst, abuse, cussing she responds with)

    You: I'm sorry. It's not my decision. Grandson has been crabby lately and they want to keep it small. I'm sorry you're disappointed, but I should not have spoken for them without asking.

    Her: More garbled abuse or angst or tears.

    You: You can see him another time. This conversation is over. (Leave the room)

    I don't like to get into long explanations with 36 because he invariably has an angry, irrational, or poor-little-me answer to everything and he would never end a conversation if I did not. I love COM's "This conversation is over" lolol. But you have to make it be over.

    Good luck and tell us what you ultimately did and how it worked out.