And she calls me first every time.
I remember where I was for every call.
Except for the first one, I have been out of the state every time.
I feel kinda guilty about that.
I moved away while they were in college, and even when they were in college, I traveled a lot for work.
Anyway, I am just babbling.
You are not babbling, AppleCori. You are processing the trauma of all the bad things that might have happened to your child and did not. Part of being the mom is that we feel we should be able to know exactly the right answers. We feel we should be able to soothe our children, and to keep them safe, and to make sense of things. No matter how old they are, we somehow feel that if only we had been there, the bad thing may not have happened. We run over every detail in our minds so that we are prepared, or so that we are better prepared, for the next time.
For how to keep them safe.
There is a part of a mother's heart, however old our children are, that believes we must protect, advise, and prevent harm to our children. I believe this is part of what does us in when the kids are walking the self-destructive paths so many of our D C children are walking. And they will not listen and we cannot help and yet, when they are broken or hurt, they need us to hear all of it.
They need us to know what has happened to them.
And it tears us up inside. But we listen. We do the best we know, given what we know, to help and protect and make sense with them of whatever it is.
Your child loves and feels safe with you. She was frightened, and needed her mother's voice, and to hear that she is special and is cherished and you did that.
You handle it really well every time, Apple Cori, or the kids would not need to hear your voice when something awful happens.
Lately, I think just knowing that we hear them is helpful enough. I think it is less what we say than that we are their mothers and we care and we listen and we are so glad they came through it.
Sometimes, for our children, that is enough armor to go into the world stronger. I really do believe this is true. It seems to me sometimes that the kids never lose that child's belief that if mom or dad know what's happened, then everything will somehow turn out okay.
I am very happy that your child is safe. It must have been really scary for her.
And for you.
When will you see her in person again?
Cedar