Thank you all for your kind replies. It is going to take a long time to get over Squeaks, I know that. I hate the initial pain. Everything reminds me of him. I feel slightly (?) demented -- I'm sleeping on the floor on his spot.
I got lucky with his age. I know that. I had him way longer than I deserved. His mother lived to be 15. His dad 13. He's been bred twice. I know one of his sons was still alive last year, so he'd be 15 or 16 now. Even having had him this long, it wasn't long enough. It could never be enough.
I feel like being a total brat and screaming, "It's not fair!!! I need him so much." He was the one I cried into when my daughter was being mean. He was the one who got me through my father's death. He was the one I turned to when I missed my daughter more than words could so. He's a dog for goodness sakes. I had him much longer than most people get to have their dogs. Why can't I be satisfied with what I had. Why am I acting like I lost a human that I loved and cherished? HE'S A DOG!!!
I was raised to accept that animals die. It's part of the life cycle. I've never reacted this way to the death of any pet. They are pets to me, not substitute children, not humans. Why can't I accept that with Squeaks? I keep trying to convince myself he was a dog. A very beloved dog, but a dog. It is not my child who has died, yet the pain I'm feeling is what I would imagine I would feel if it were my daughter. I walk around the house lost. When it is time for his walk, I hunt for him. I actually went and mashed his food this morning (he'd lost most of his teeth).
I want him back. I want to cry into his back about how much I miss him. I want to look at him and laugh when he rolls onto his back and waves his paws and his silly tongue hangs out. I want to see him groom the cats and then try to get the cat hair off his tongue.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so needy here. I just miss him so much and I don't understand how I got this close. I've had dogs live longer than Squeaks, so it's more than an age thing. I had a cat that was my soul mate in many ways. Squeaks was my buddy, my clown, my DOG. Not. my. child. and I want him back. IT'S NOT FAIR!