My God What an Utter Mess!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Mar 20, 2010.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I don't know what to think, do, or say anymore. Period.:faint:

    Evidently the family couldn't have misunderstood what was going on with Nichole more if we'd deliberately tried.:( And in our "helping" all we did was make it profoundly worse and push her closer to the edge.

    Nichole lied when she said boyfriend knew where she was. sister in law and easy child, of course assumed she was telling the truth, and told boyfriend where she was, who of course naturally took it they way it looked. Not that I blame him.

    BUT................. Seems there are always BUTS in my life these days.

    Last night out of the blue I get a phone call from bff's husband. He called to let me know that Nichole showed up on his doorstep days ago an emotional mess. She wouldn't tell him a thing except that she'd left boyfriend and was tired of the way he treated her. But from her condition, which according to him was awfully bad, he guessed that his wife's death had suddenly hit her full force, knocked her for a loop, and boyfriend reacted badly which compounded everything causing her to leave. He says he tried hard to get her to call easy child or I but she flat out refused saying she wanted nothing to do with us. And in her state he was afraid to push the issue. So he told her she could sleep in one of the boys beds until she figured out what she wanted to do. That he felt I deserved to know she was ok and not on the streets or anything.

    I was more than a bit shocked. Evidently she isn't talking to him much either. I was friendlier than I wanted to be, but figured making an enemy out of him wasn't going to do anyone any good.

    Then easy child pmed me on fb forwarding a pm Nichole replied rather viciously to. easy child was feeling bad for being so hard on her about Aubrey and had made an attempt to apologize and offer any help she could. Nichole's response was cruel. She said we messed it all up when we didn't know what was going on, that it had nothing to do with boyfriend, she didn't want to be with boyfriend anymore, and that us wanting to commit her.........and just got really ugly and resulted in her basically disowning the whole family. So I'm pretty sure either sister in law or easy child or both of them let it out where she was and also mentioned the Baker Act thing........even though it was never seriously considered......and boyfriend in his hurt and anger typically threw it in her face as usual.

    So now she is drowning in grief over bff, her heart is shattered over boyfriend, and she feels betrayed by her family. You can't possibly feel any more alone in the world than that. Which explains her reaction to easy child. When Nichole is truly hurting, she lashes out like a wounded animal. And while what she wrote hurt me and made me angry........I also could see the immense pain in what she wrote.:(

    So I wouldn't let myself respond to it. I didn't want to make it worse.

    Instead I spent much of the night chatting with K on fb. I figured I messed up with her pretty bad.....and if anyone could advise me on how to fix it maybe she could. Of course without knowing what was going on was difficult for her to try to give ideas except to let her cool off and that she hoped Nichole isn't as stubborn as she is and waits so long that by the time she figures out she was wrong she is afraid to come to the family like she was.

    Then this morning before I can get my first cup of coffee.......bff's husband calls me again. He is really worried about Nichole. He said she's hurting bad, really bad, over bff and the mess with boyfriend. And evidently she must have had a huge blow out with boyfriend last night because when she showed up she was worse than ever. He has attempted to talk to her, but she's not talking to him much either. And he's been trying to get her to go talk to a professional.....and he's not sure about her response to that. She didn't shoot him out of the water, but didn't say she would. He swore that he thinks of Nichole like a niece and that there is nothing more going on then him giving her a place to stay. He's afraid to make her leave for fear she'll really go off the deep end since he can't get her to come her or easy child's even to talk. He said she's grieving for bff at least as bad as the boys are.....maybe a bit worse since she wasn't around during the worst months/past year or so of bff's addiction. She was terribly close to bff and loved her dearly, especially as a child. She spent nearly day there (with me too) for several years.

    He said that while Nichole is only giving him bits and pieces, he thinks bff's death hit her hard that day, that boyfriend being young, dumb, and not so life experienced, boyfriend reacted either totally inappropriately or at least poorly.......and it was just the last straw for Nichole. He has no clue why she came to him, except maybe in some odd way to feel closer to bff, he doesn't know. He said he knows she has been going home daily because she keeps coming back with her clothes changed. But as the week has progressed she's gotten worse and now he's really worried about her and truly thinks she needs to talk to a professional.

    Since this mess blindsided me I've been forced, whether I wanted to or not, to grieve for bff and to deal with her death, her drug use, and even the person she was. The truth of the matter is that bff was seriously mentally ill. The psychiatrist diagnosed her personality disorder but would never tell her which one. I suspect narcissitic but it could be some other one as I don't know whether with that personality disorder they tend to be so darn self destructive or not. I know that bff told me some mighty horrid stuff about her husband doing to her......but she always denied it later and I never knew what the heck to believe because I would have her Mom telling me that bff had done that for years and that she had caught her in enough lies that she just refused to listen to it anymore. I know that I've seen bff's husband be mighty cruel with my own eyes.........with words. I've seen bruises on bff.......but I've also seen bff viciously physically attack the man too. With this mess and fearing for Nichole's safety I've been forced to think back over the years to look at what I really do know about the man. And honestly...........I don't know what think anymore. I know he has the boys in therapy. I know he has been going out of his way to watch over bff's SO (why would he do that?) and her mother and getting them to their therapy appointments. And I know bff's Mom has been at the house just about everyday........and I know this woman well enough to know that if she suspected anything disgusting going on.....well, let's just say it wouldn't be pretty, especially with her already grieving for bff.

    Oh, *ell. Maybe I just so desperately want to believe my child is not in danger than I'm letting a master manipulator pull the wool over my eyes.

    But this man sounded genuinely concerned and worried for someone he cared about. He's particularly worried because of living with a wife with serious mental illness.........and knowing what certain behaviors can lead to if ignored. He says Nichole is reminding him of what bff used to behave before going off the deep end and it's scaring the hades out of him. Somehow this is just not quite meshing with the monster bff always painted him to be. With Nichole in this state she would be open season if he honestly intended to take advantage of her, yet he appears to be trying to find a way to help her, keep her connected with her family even though she is pushing us away.......Do you see the problem I'm having with the whole monster thing?? OMG I'm so bleeping confused.

    He also said that if boyfriend truly loves Nichole that he needs to man up and figure out that this mess has nothing at all to do with him and everything to do with the girl he supposedly loves hurting and being more devastated than she ever has in her life and he needs to forget about his feelings for a while and help her through this.

    Again. I am so confused. It's such a mess.

    But I did give him the name of the psychiatrist she wanted to see a while back, the good one, not the one connected with mental health. Their office also takes the medical card.......and will do really reduced payments like 10.00 a visit.

    People this is so bad.........I'm lost. easy child thinks I need to talk to boyfriend and tell him what bff's husband said. I'm afraid to do anything at this point for fear of making it even worse. But I do feel the kid should know......and that if he does care......maybe....oh heck I dunno.

    But I swear on all that is holy, I will never ever interfere in my kids lives again. I will clench my mouth shut tight and simple refuse to talk. They will have to live and learn the hard way by working it out for themselves just like I did.
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I have no answers, but I'm willing to listen if you want to talk. Many hugs.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Like KTmom...I am so sorry. I have no wisdom. Sometimes parenting is just too hard to even do.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well I may want to shoot myself for it later..............but I just couldn't leave things hanging completely in the mess that quite basically I caused. I've always been one to admit when I'm wrong and owe up to my mistakes.

    I attempted to explain about bff's husband simply trying to help Nichole out and how it spiraled into such a giant mess. I apologized. I did it by pm because I didn't trust myself not to give away my source over the phone. And I figured that if he's angry maybe he'll read all of it where he might not have even listened to me otherwise. I dunno. I know my daughter loves him beyond reason. If he loves her it's high time he proves it to her and steps up to the plate when she needs him the most.

    She may wind up hating me more for telling him. But in my heart, he deserved to know before making any final decisions. And she deserved another chance. It's not her fault we messed it all up. He may ignore it and be too hurt to give a darn. But at least I tried.
  5. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Seriously, this is a lot of crazy making behavior. I was mentally worked over by experts so I understand how confusing this situation seems.
    What does your mother instinct say to you?
    How come you were so ready to believe this man was a manipulator? You were following your instincts.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    3S it is fairly complicated. I'm not sure I can explain it. I'm not even sure at this point I understand it all. But I am keeping an open mind as far as bff's husband right now. He sounds genuinely concerned and that he really is only trying to help. I guess only time will tell for certain. But alot of my posting was done when I was in the midst of grief and highly emotional.....and in turmoil over Nichole.......and honestly not myself. Now that my emotions aren't completely out of whack.......My mother's instinct tells me for the moment Nichole is safe. I suppose that could be wishful thinking. (I'm a bit leery of trusting my judgement right now)

    I told Nichole's boyfriend what I felt he needed to know before he made any final decision on their relationship. After making a bad situation much worse, I figured he deserved that much. What he does with that information is up to him. He may be too hurt and angry to care. But it wasn't fair that a decision be made based on a wrong assumption, for either of them. Now it's up to them what happens.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Events are still speeding along at the speed of light.

    I was chatting with K last night on fb when Nichole logged on. She returned K's email and opened up a bit. The email wasn't important, that she was reaching out to family again was. This morning I checked Nichole's fb page. Evidently easy child has done some thinking and reached out to Nichole. Nichole responded positively and they've made up.

    Nichole's boyfriend contacted me this morning thanking me for explaining things to him. He said it took alot of the hurt away. And he can at least understand now to some extent of what is going on. He got to unload a bit. Since he doesn't really have someone he can do that with.......I think that helped him too. I mostly listened. I think it made him feel better. He'll be bringing her things over today. Along with the cat. Aubrey's life has been turned upside down. She adores her kitty. I told him to bring it here so Aubrey can still have her kitty. Maybe if Nichole gets an apartment down the road she can take the cat for Aubrey. The dog I had to give him the name of a rescue. I hope they can take her. I can't take her even temporarily because Betsy will attack her.

    At the moment Aubrey will be staying with boyfriend. He says he is not going for custody, does not want to go to court. He doesn't want to risk Nichole and or Aubrey losing insurance by attempting to make it official especially since Nichole has been having kidney problems. But I wasn't worried about that anyway. Ohio is rather strict about custody, especially involving a single mother with a child. The best he can ever hope for is shared........full custody would be nearly impossible......he would have to be able to physically prove neglect and abuse. Because they were never married, shared custody is a long shot unless Nichole agreed to it.

    I haven't yet heard from Nichole. Maybe I will today. Maybe not.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    BFFs husband sure does not need someone else to worry about. I think Nicole needs to think about just how selfish she is being. Not only for her own family - but for putting an additional burden on a family that is already struggling from the loss of their mother.
    If she has a problem with boyfriend or the loss of your BFF - she should be consoled by her own family.

    I think I would mention to her that it is not fair of her to put this on BFFs husband.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I was going to call Nichole today, but didn't. Maybe that was a good thing, maybe not.

    Her ex-boyfriend chatted with me again tonight. Evidently he took what I told him to heart and has spent the past 3 days attempting to patch things up with Nichole and to convince her to come home. But her anger is just too much. He's giving up for now, unable to continue to be hurt by her words when she's lashing out. Can't say as I blame him much. But like I told him, once she gets through this, she'll remember that he did try. That will mean something then.

    I'm going to try and contact her tomorrow when she gets off work. I haven't spoken to her in days......since about last thursday. Busy you make a very valid point and maybe if I put it to her that way she won't feel like she's having to put her tail between her legs and come home. I sure don't want her to feel like that is what it is.

    Sometimes things happen, it seems like the universe wobbles and your whole life falls apart. But just because it does, doesn't mean something good can't come out of it. Nichole has had a monkey riding her back for years. I never could get her to reveal the source of this terrible anger in side of her as much as I tried. And I don't think her therapist ever could either. I've suspected something happened to her during her childhood for many years. What I don't know. But maybe, just maybe the time has come for her to begin to deal with it whatever it is so she can finally move past it.

    The time has come for my daughter and I to have a heart to heart. If she will let me, that is. Around about her age I had my own universe wobble/world fall aprt to deal with that forced me to face my own demons from the past. It nearly destroyed my relationship with husband and my family. So while I don't know exactly what she's going thru right now........have have a pretty good idea. Maybe I should explain that to her, so she can see that she isn't the only one who has ever totally messed up everything they cared about and that it is possible to come through the other side a better person for having worked through it.

    I don't know how else to help her find her way. :(
  10. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Lisa, my heart aches for you and your panic. I'm wondering if it might be helpful if everyone stepped back, took a deep breath, and let the dust settle a little and give Nichole some space right now to sort things through.

    Nichole might be off-balance right now but you sound as if you believe she is safe and that's the most important thing, in my humble opinion. Aubrey and boyfriend are safe. BFF's husband is safe. You also sound as if you are feeling more confident about boyfriend and BFF's husband.

    I find it incredibly frustrating, but have pretty much accepted that I only hear one side of every story whenever Rob complains or crashes and burns. I also know that sometimes the best thing for him is to give him the space to figure things out for himself because it not only resolves the immediate issues but it also allows him to practice problem-solving skills that will benefit him the rest of his life. Do you think this might be one of those times when stepping back might help Nichole move to the next rung of maturity?

  11. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I'm new here, and I don't know your whole story (or all the players), but I have been following these two threads and my heart just goes out to you. It is heartwrenching when our kids do baffling and, what we consdier to be risky, things. I do think Suz has offered some excellent advice, though. Hang in there.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Suz I've left her alone. Well, except tonight inviting her to dinner. No strings, just good food. And it resulted in a rather nasty post on her fb page. So, stupid me responded and told her I love you. That was it, nothing more. And her response was a bit vicious, meant to hurt.

    Being human, and after a week of little or no sleep, worried out of my mind, watching her push away and throw away everything she ever held dear to her.......That was it. I had to do it by message because she won't answer the phone. So be it. I was kinder than perhaps I should have been, but yet I let her know exactly how I felt. You want to be mad at me and push me away, fine. But you can have the decency to at least explain to me why. This "I'm the only person capable of hurting and being angry" business has grown old. I love her. Nothing she will ever do or say will ever change that. But I refuse to be a victim to her cruel words and vicious lashing out.

    I am done. If she wants help or she's ready to apologize, she knows where I am, she knows the number. But I will not subject myself to any more pain in attempts to help her.
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Lisa, I'm so sorry you're hurting. Many soft and gentle hugs.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh lisa...sorry. Perhaps this is the borderline rearing its ugly head. Just worth a mention.
  15. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Lots of hugs... You are right to detach. Take care of you, she knows deep down that you love her.