My hope is dashed!!!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Oct 20, 2013.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Sigh.... I am so disgusted, mad and upset! So we were near by yesterday so we brought my son his ID and some cigarettes (but not the phone). He greeted us with a nice hug and we had a few moments to talk. The bottom line is he has no intention of staying in the program and never did. He said he has always known and said to friends that he was not going to stay where they put him once he is out of jail!! He claims he has resources!!! So his plan is to go back to CA (we live on the east coast). It is just ridiculous really.
    When he got out of jail we had him endorse a check from the IRS. Now we have been cleaning up a whole issue of identity theft for him which is the only reason he got the check....but we were going to deposit it and save the moneh for him for a later date. He wanted to know if we had cashed the check? Yes. Wanted us to give him the money otherwise we legally have cashed his check blah blah blah. I lookked at him and said fine take us to court!!! I feel no guilt whatsoever about that!! There is no way I am giving him any money!!!!
    And truthfully if he left and then tried to take us to court he would be arrested on the warrants that would then be out on him!!! So of course when he left he would not hug us goodbye!! I am totally disgusted. And of course a part of me feels like I look stupid to the drug court for belieiving and trying to help him. They worked hard to get him out of jail and into a program. He has no other options and if he leaves there will be another warrant out on him..... and unless he makes it out of state soon he will end up back in jail. And there he will stay and may be what I am hoping for!!
    So my husband and I are going to write him a note with a list of questions for him to think about..... we know we cant tell him what to do or lecture him, but we hope we can appeal to him to think this thru and not just act impulsively. So if you have any good questions let me know. I have the feeling it wont make any difference but it is worth a try.
    And I am trying to get myself ready to steel myself to really detach and not help him at all. I am thinking maybe it is time to not give him the phone at all..... and just let it be. I dont know quite how I will manage again not knowing where he is or how he is but I think I am going to have to be prepared for that.

  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    TL....I'm sorry. So many of us have allowed our hopes to soar and then realized that "our" hopes and "difficult child" hopes are just not in sync. Sending hugs. DDD
  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Oh TL, Good grief,

    Why is it that some of our difficult child's refuse the help that will take them from nothing to success if they just follow the steps!

    I am sorry he is being so pig-headed and determined to do as he pleases.
    I am also sorry that you were denied hugs after difficult child realised he was not going to get the money from you and husband.

    More consequences for bad decisions.
    You really have done SO incredibly much for your difficult child TL.
    He insists on learning the hard way.

    I wish I could give you a big hug in person and just sit with you and maybe make you smile at some point. I am really sorry that your difficult child has dashed your hopes again.

    We have got to let these foolish difficult child's go don't we.
    When will they learn?

    I can't think of anything right now to get your difficult child to "think" about what he is doing.
    Can you talk to drug court and tell them he has no intention of going to dual diagnosis facility and that he plans on leaving?
    Would they keep him locked up if you were to talk to them?

    I am so sorry TL.
    Caring thoughts,
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Ugh! I'm so sorry....
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry TL but I guess I'm not surprised but very disappointed and that is only a fraction of what you are feeling. I would have been inclined to tell the director of the program what his plans are, but I understand if you don't want to do that. It's so very discouraging and I guess what it really tells you TL is that he doesn't want to love any other life than the one that has him living on the street. Whatever mental issues he is dealing with prevent him from wanting anything else for himself and that is so very sad.

    You are in my thougths, I can only imagine how devastated you are. This disease of addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful indeed.
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree that it is time. If he walks away from this program, it is time that he becomes completely responsible for his life. He has been given so many chances. My therapist, the family therapist from the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and the interventionist all kept telling me the same thing . . . only help them when they are making the right choices. In my difficult child's case, that was if she was in rehab or sober living.

    I know how hard that is, though. {{{Hugs}}}

  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He is showing you he has NO interest in changing his ways by walking away, which I know is really hurting your mommy heart. But you can't control him. Why even ask him any questions for him to contemplate? He isn't ready to read them and take them seriously or he wouldn't be walking away from rehab. He clearly intends on continuing his drug use and will not pay attention to anything you write. You will spend time and care and love constructing questions to make him thoughtful about his life and he will not even care.

    Like most of us, detachment will eventually happen because eventually all of us see that we have no control over the situation. I hope that you realize that you deserve a great life, even if your son is making dangerous choices in HIS life. It doesn't help our adult child and it hurts us, our kinder loved ones whom we neglect because difficult child consumes all our energy, and interfers with our mental and physical health when we worry nonstop over an adult child who has no regard for himself and that we are unable to help.

    Big hugs and I'm so sorry you are dealing with this pain.
  8. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry!
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I want to ask him the questions because he often has trouble thinking things through and tends to act on impulse. I want to give them to him to ask himself as he works through this. He may throw them away who knows. I dont expect him to give me any of his answers....but he has shown in the past that he can make good choices when he thinks things through so at least I can try. I agree it probably wont make any difference.

  10. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh TL, I am so sorry too. Go ahead, ask the questions for your sake. difficult child may not give a darn or respond but at least you will have a bit of solace because you tried.

    I hate the "top of the roller coaster" feeling.

    *WARM* thoughts to you xo
    Lasted edited by : Oct 20, 2013
  11. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, TL.
    Perhaps it might be a good idea to mention difficult child's plans to the director of the program. He needs help, and medications, and regular therapy. Your questions for him to think about, may delay an impulsive action at least for a bit. He clearly has put quite a degree of thought into hatching this plan, since it's been on his mind since he was in jail - I don't think he's as impulsive as he seems.

    If he takes off again, TL, I'm afraid he's just going to put you through the ringer all over again. You must shield yourself. I remember a while back, when it was so cold outside, and he was homeless in CO I believe, and you were just beside yourself. I'm worried that you will be right back in that position again. There has to be a so-called happy medium where we can be concerned and love our children, but not enough to circle the drain with them. That's the delicate dance of detachment. Hugs to you, sweetie.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thank you for all your thoughts and wisdom and insight. It really helps to talk to those who have been there! We go to our first parent support group tomorrow night which is run by the director so hopefully we will get a feel for him and hopefully talk to him.

    If my son is still there we will give him the card when we visit afterwards with the questions to think about.

    And then it is up to him. Jane you are right and I am worried to about myself.... this has just been too hard. I am going to have to find a way to detach even further.It comes at a time in my life when I am not feeling really resiliant but I will need to find a way to stay strong and keep moving on with my life and taking care of myself.

    I think at this point we will not give him a phone and I think I will try to not check FB etc and just somehow cut him out of my every day thinking. not sure how to do that but I suspect if he runs we wont hear anything from him for a while and I will need to accept that somehow.

  13. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    so sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you and your husband.
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I am sorry, but what in the world is he thinking???? What does he have to run back to?

    Oh my mommy heart hurts for you. The turmoil these kids put us through. :(

    I think that you are most definitely putting a LOT more work into his life than he is. I agree that it is time to detach and let HIM figure it out now. Take care of YOU...
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Yeah I am preparing myself to detach some more. We will see him tonight, give him the questions and then I hope I can just let it go. I am hoping that with some support from the place he has had some time to think.... and will change his mind and stick with it. I am not holding my breath for that though. And gee he has no idea of what he puts us through.

  16. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    You're right TL, they don't think about us and what we go through for them.
    Heard that first hand from my own difficult child a day after my procedure him telling me, "Ya you and your problems go call someone who cares". It's all about them.

    TL...I don't know how we're going to get through this accept to lean on the support of each other.
    I hope some lightbulb goes off in your difficult child's head and that he realizes this latest "plan" is just a vicious cycle that will end where he is now.

    Maybe the Director will be of some guidance for you all.
    I'm sending you all the strength I can muster this morning.

    Love to you ,