my sister's 17 year old daughter - runaway

[virginiabreeze]

I just extended an invitation to my sister to visit me in Virginia, or if she prefer, I could visit her in Texas. Hopefully she'll 'bite' and we can make something happen soon.

I have a feeling it will be hard for me to see her in so much pain. And I will have to consciously make a point to hold myself back and try to be just a supportive 'ear'. My other sisters have been more involved in this, and they warned me not to get sucked in. They have tried to give advice and support – and now they aren’t on speaking terms. She is so sick of everyone’s advice. We all mean well, but our good intentions haven't gone over well. I think the thing my sister hates to hear the most is "Snap out of it" "Just let it go", etc. Those things are much easier to say than do. How do you let your child go?? I need to stop telling my sister that her daughter will 'grow out of it' - that probably sucks to hear too. And when I talk about my son that just makes her cry…

 

[virginiabreeze]

Thanks cubsgirl! It’s good to know that difficult child's can be redeemed! I really believe my niece will, too. She has a lot of good things going for her - she's smart, absolutely gorgeous, and has 2 parents and lots of aunts & uncles who would do anything for her.

 

[InsaneCdn]

and has 2 parents and lots of aunts & uncles who would do anything for her.

Maybe that's part of the problem?

Maybe she feels "smothered" rather than "mothered"... in her drive to assert her own independence and find her own identity, she doesn't see the damage she is doing to herself.

BUT... you can't fix "smothered". Somehow, they have to get out from under that cloud, and find a balance. Eventually.

 

[DDD]

So glad to read that the invitation has been given. Just that alone, even if there is no follow through, should make her feel loved. DDD

 

[virginiabreeze]

InsaneCDN, 'smother love' probably is a part of the problem. I remember hearing my sister talk about her daughter when her daughter was younger and there was a lot of tension even way back then. In a way, every fear my sister ever had about raising a daughter has been realized - almost like a self fulfilling prophecy. And I was the same way with my own kid, but I do think raising a son is a lot different than raising a daughter these days. But that's all water under the bridge now.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Yes, its water under the bridge. BUT... if you don't know where niece is coming from, its worse.

Maybe somebody else has ideas for building bridges?

 

[virginiabreeze]

I don’t know how to go there with my sister - her feelings are just too raw.

My sister and her husband are having terrible arguments and can't agree on what to do. My sister thinks they need to try a tough love approach in dealing with the daughter. The father thinks they need to give into the daughters demands and just get her home. The daughter has even said "I'll come home, if Mom leaves". I'm afraid as a family they may not make it through this. It's terrible how my sister and her husband are blaming each other now - they are at each others throats, literally. I would never say this to my sister, but at this point it doesn’t sound like their home is the best place for their daughter now – even if she did return. If only my niece would realize that she could get ‘away’ by going to college – she just needed to make it through her senior year…

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I was in the same exact situation - well, probably worse, because my difficult child is a drug addict. I told my difficult child it was rehab or she couldn't live at home anymore. She chose not to live at home anymore. My marriage was absolutely crumbling over difficult child issues!! I was in such a depression that all I did was sleep....I tried everything and nothing helped. But, you know what? My home is peaceful now. I look forward to going home every day. Our son is flourishing. And difficult child? Well, difficult child has learned that life isn't as easy as she thought it would be. She is now 18, but hasn't lived at home since she turned 17. She is growing up. In small ways, but she is. husband and I both left home at young ages, so we have faith she will grow up eventually....and she is, in small steps.

I really hope your sister checks comes to this site. There is NO one that understand better than other parents of difficult children. And it is SO lonely to have no one that truly understands....

 

[virginiabreeze]

Wow - I wish you could talk to my sister. THIS is exactlly what she is dealing with. I don't know if my niece is a drug addict, but I know she is a pot smoker - which has been a big issue that my sister has had to deal with on her own - because husband is always out of town. I hate that this is ruining her marriage - her and her husband have been together for over 20 years. They always talked about their daughter going off to college and being able to rediscover each other. She is so lonely. None of us (her brothers or sisters) have dealt with anything of this magnitude - well, one of my sisters' has. And, I think us being family members is almost too close - our emotions run so high - it just isn't helping her. She needs a parental support group. Maybe if I can get together with her, I will tell her I want to go to an Al-Anon meeting and ask her to come along with me.

 

[exhausted]

You are a wonderful sister. I understand your sister's desperation as I too have a 17 year old who "runs". She does return home. We are not reasonable at times as mothers who love our uncontrolable children. It seems that we waffle between desperation, anger, hurt, tough love, feeling sorry for them, being scared out of minds etc.. I know she is worried sick for her girl. You are worried sick for your sister. Just your ear, nonjudgement, and love will go many miles. Many of us get to the point of no sleep, no eating and even over eating to deal with the constant turmoil of parenting these children and the constant judging that comes our way.
I don't think you will have much effect on the police, CPS or the apartment owners. I wouldn't tell your sister that. She is in the place where she feels she has to "do" something or she is not being a good mom. In time she will slow this and begin to find her life again if she has good support. Keep your heart open. A visit would work wonders. Just getting out of town can lift the spirits even if she doesn't think it will. My best friend made me do this a month ago. It was wonderful despite my initial doubts and protests! Hugs to you and take care of your self as well. Caregivers can and do burn out.

 

[virginiabreeze]

I have some good news and I wanted to share!! My sister is very interested in getting together – so now we just need to pick a time and settle on a place. I will let her choose, and if she can’t decide, then I will offer to go to TX and just help her un pack boxes and help her move into her new house.

I was reading the board last night. Because I don’t have a difficult child in my life, the issues my sister is dealing with are so foreign to me. The thing I take away the most from the board is you “Never, never, never give up”. My brothers and sisters have been advising my little sister to ‘just accept that she has lost her daughter’ – but she will never accept that. When I read posts from the members on this board, I am amazed at how long some of you have been involved. I think I began to understand last night that my sister is not just going through a ‘phase’ with her daughter. Being a parent with a difficult child child is very similar to being a parent with a child who lets say…has cancer or some other serious illness. You would never advise a parent whose child is fighting cancer to ‘just accept that you have lost your child’. NO! You would listen to them, let them cry on your shoulder, you would hug them, but you would never turn your back on them.

So, I just want to express my gratitude to all on this board who make this a safe place for all parents who come here seeking help, or encouragement, or just need to let off some steam.

 

[virginiabreeze]

My sister has asked me to do something for her, and I would appreciate your thoughts or advise, so here goes:

The family that my sister thinks her daughter is staying with will not allow any contact. I guess this family feels that my sister is harassing them because she keeps sending the police over to the apartment. Anyway, my sister does have the phone number and address of the other family. In addition, the other mother has a facebook account. My sister wants me to call or somehow approach this family – in a non threatening manner – and try to establish some contact with them. &%^#*@ Should I do this? If so, how do I go about it? Would sending them a letter be appropriate? Could I mail them a letter and ask them to forward it to my niece? Should I just stay out of this???

 

[DDD]

I probably should not give an opinion on the run (it's time for me to get ready for work) but at most I think you could mail a card to your niece at that address. Something simple like a "thinking of you" card with a few lines added. "Maybe" say XX I just want you to know that I would be delighted if you gave me a call. I understand you are living away from home but no matter where you are, lol, I love you and would love a short chat so I know you are aok. (# perhaps with a note that the call can be collect). Love, Me.

I would not go on facebook. Your sister wants a result. in my humble opinion the only thing you could do is extend your hand in family caring and assure her she is still in your heart. Nothing heavy. DDD

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I completely understand the desperation she feels. She is VERY MUCH codependant right now. She needs to work on herself before she can truly help her daughter. She needs to get the book Codependant No More. My codependancy on my difficult child's addiction left me in some really dark times. It affected my job, my marriage, my son, everything. Not a good place to be and it will not help her daughter.

No, we do not give up - ever. But we do learn not to be codependant and how to help our difficult children the right way which is usually the hardest way...

If she won't come to the site, perhaps copy and paste some of our advice in an email to her? This site has absolutely saved my sanity.....

 

[buddy]

I have some good news and I wanted to share!! My sister is very interested in getting together – so now we just need to pick a time and settle on a place. I will let her choose, and if she can’t decide, then I will offer to go to TX and just help her un pack boxes and help her move into her new house.

I was reading the board last night. Because I don’t have a difficult child in my life, the issues my sister is dealing with are so foreign to me. The thing I take away the most from the board is you “Never, never, never give up”. My brothers and sisters have been advising my little sister to ‘just accept that she has lost her daughter’ – but she will never accept that. When I read posts from the members on this board, I am amazed at how long some of you have been involved. I think I began to understand last night that my sister is not just going through a ‘phase’ with her daughter. Being a parent with a difficult child child is very similar to being a parent with a child who lets say…has cancer or some other serious illness. You would never advise a parent whose child is fighting cancer to ‘just accept that you have lost your child’. NO! You would listen to them, let them cry on your shoulder, you would hug them, but you would never turn your back on them.

So, I just want to express my gratitude to all on this board who make this a safe place for all parents who come here seeking help, or encouragement, or just need to let off some steam.

Lovely put. your sister is blessed to have you in her corner.

 

[virginiabreeze]

DDD –
Ok, I will definitely mail a card to my niece. There is no guarantee that she will get it or that she is even there – but it is worth a shot. I will keep it short and sweet like you suggested. Would it be ok to include a picture of my son’s graduation? I don’t want to make her feel bad. Can I include a gift card – something small, like $25 Chick father in law A or Panera or would a prepaid debit card be better?

My sister wants to keep calling the police on this other family. Is that a good idea? I read a thread on the Teens/Substance Abuse forum last night “What to do about the bad peers who are instrumental in your difficult child’s descent”. It seems that some parents feel it is their duty to confront the bad peers, while other parents prefer to put their energy into their own difficult child. I think my sister hates feeling helpless. She wants to do something. She seems very focused on making life hell for this other family – which I completely understand.


PatriotsGirl -
My sister buys a lot of self help books. I don’t know if she ever gets around to reading them, because it seems like it is very difficult for her to concentrate for long periods of time. She says she and the family have been in counseling for years – together and individually. I don’t think counseling has been very helpful to her lately - she is pretty ‘burned out’. And, she does not like family members putting ‘labels’ on her. Apparently, my brothers & sisters are experts in the field of psychiatry, especially when it comes to diagnosing someone else – if you get my drift, lol! I am certainly not qualified to be a councilor for my sister, and I hope to avoid even attempting to do so.

When we get together, I will show her this forum. I hope I have not written anything that will upset her to read. I hope I haven’t crossed the line with divulging too much personal information about her family. If she wants me to stop posting or even coming to this site, I will.

 

[virginiabreeze]

Help - my sister is wants to know if she should keep calling the police out to the other family's apartment. My instinct tells me that the other family is feeling harassed, and that continuing this pattern will just escalate hostility between everyone.

I am afraid to give my sister any advice. Should I just say "I don't know, do what you think is best" or "Hell yeah, this family sucks - make their life hell" or "Just leave them alone, it's not helping your daughter"

I am really clueless here. Can anyone impart any wisdom?

 

[InsaneCdn]

She is asking, right? So... don't give her an "answer". Instead, help her think it through.
What is she gaining by calling the police on this family continuously?
What is she losing by doing so?
Where else can she spend her time and efforts with more chance of some impact?
What would she gain by calling a truce?

There's probably dozens of other "leading questions" that I don't even know about... but that might help her get to her "own" decision without you giving the answer directly.

 

[DDD]

I don't see how the card can do anything but be helpful. Believe me I've never met a difficult child who would not open a card from a relative just in hopes that money is tucked inside, lol. I would not include the picture or mention of his graduation for the reasons you mentioned.

The gift certificate idea is iffy. If she is using it likely would be used to get money for more drugs. Since she is dysfunctional it might lead to self serving contact with you in hopes of getting more. The only positive side I can see as a remote possibility would be if the restaurant was one where you have shared pleasant moments in hopes it would trigger memories of earlier bonding. Otherwise...I'd vote no.

IF you decide to send a card it "could" trigger your sister's hopes of getting her daughter back. That is highly unlikely to happen...so it could backfire. You're in a bad position. I don't know how you can contain your sister's emotions as her mental health is now unstable. I'm praying for her stabilization.
DDD

 

[virginiabreeze]

Thanks InsaneCDN. That's exactally the direction I was going in. In fact, we just had a conversation about 'cause and effect' - and I just told her that for every action, there is a reaction. Ok, maybe I'm not as useless as I feel. My sister has really turned to her faith to help her through this. And, it sounds like she has a wonderful nun who can be a resource for her. My sister told me that the nun has told her that the other family is too hostile. I will try and help my sister think through this by asking her leading questions instead of giving her 'answers'.

PS - this is getting exhausting!