Hi Kim, this is so hard. My son was in a 6-month Salvation Army program a while back. He was kicked out once for using, was homeless in that city for 30 days, and asked them if he could come back, and went back, did well for about 30 days (they said later) and was kicked out after two months that time. He was homeless again over Christmas and New Year's that time at a McDonald's. I was devastated but didn't go and get him. Later I found out he had made friends with all of the people at the McDonald's, and was in their office daily, using their phones, smoking their cigarettes, and eating their food. While I was crying my eyes out and devastated but still working hard not to rescue him (for the 1000th time).
Kim, who knows what it takes for our adult children who are addicts to stop? I know I don't know. I have wracked my brain over it so many times and finally I had to conclude that whatever happened would happen, regardless of what I did or didn't do. That realization was very freeing.
Regarding the phone, I went through that same exhaustive back and forth too. In time I turned his phone off. But it was a very hard and emotional decision at the time. Looking back, I kept the phone on for me. I needed to keep the phone on. After I started working more on me than I on him, I was finally able to take that step too.
And my son continued to FB message me, text me from his computer (I didn't even know you could do that) and borrow phones to call me.
Drug addicts are some of the most resilient people you will ever want to know. They are survivors. My husband worked for years with parents and their drug-addicted teens and young adults. He told me over and over again that I was more upset than my son was about his situation, that I would likely be very surprised if I could be a "fly on the wall" and watch him.
In time, I saw that. That doesn't mean this isn't very very hard. I understand your stress and I am glad you are seeing a doctor.
I hope you will start assembling a toolbox for yourself---Al-Anon meetings, books, meditation, quiet time, small kindnesses, extra rest, trusted people you can talk with, therapy, posting on this board, reading on this board...and begin a daily practice of using these tools. If you will devote 30 minutes to an hour every single day to YOU, and to taking better care of YOU (something we don't think about when we are in these types of crises with our beloved adult children), you will see results. You will be shifting your energy more onto yourself---something you CAN do something about----and away from your son, something you CAN'T do anything about. There were periods where I would go to an Al-Anon meeting every single day when I was in the throes of it all.
You can get through this, Kim, regardless of what your son does or does not do. And if you can create some space, some distance, a shift, there is a chance that there will be time, space, distance for him to step into that small gap and begin to do something new.
Warm hugs, Kim. We understand here. We really do.