My text convo with difficult child today

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Jan 24, 2012.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi all,

    I checked my sons balance at publix this morning and he still had $34 on his card which surprised me actually.... made me wonder about his commplaining about not having enough since that last bit lasted a while. So I decided to wait before I add any more....and husband and I decided we would reduce his grocery allowance to $50 a week. So what if that is not enough to eat and buy cigarettes. We have Occupational Therapist (OT) get tougher and I really think he needs to work hard at recovery and clearly he has not been.

    So he texted me today and this was our convo:

    difficult child: Did you add to the publix card?
    Me: I checked this morning and you still had money on it. We are going to cut the amt to $50 a week but I haven't added it yet.
    difficult child:Yeah not going to make it on that
    Me: Well you will have to figure out how to...other people do. You still had $30 as of this morning.
    difficult child: Eh other people dont get three meals a day for less than 10 bucks
    Me: Well I have been told you should be able to do it on 50
    difficult child: You always believe what your told
    Me: Well I have certainly believed you too often!
    difficult child:Maybe in regards to whether I took s*** from your purse or if I was smoking weed at the house. But grocerys is kind of a different area
    Me: Its hard for me to know when to believe you because you have lied so much so often and so easily...I think if you shop carefully you can do it on 50 a week and it is time you start contributing financially.

    Now he has not acknowledge he relapsed... I figured he would then tell me he cant get a job while he is in the current sober house (true) but he did not respond. I am getting from the current book I am reading that I don't want to critisize or try to make him feel guilty but truth is truth... and I can't believe a word he says because of his long history of lying to us. He needs to know that. I am done being fooled.

    And lets face $50 is enough to get food for a week.... but probably not food and cigarettes so he may need to choose between eating and smoking. Tough luck.

  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    grrrrrr at difficult child and {hugs} to you
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We spend $50 a week on our difficult child's cigarettes and food. She has a choice how to split the money. She usually spends $35 on food and the other $15 on cigarettes. We told her choice is to eat more and smoke less or vice versa.

    She really hasn't complained that it is not enough and hasn't lost any weight so I think she has enough to eat.

    You can tell your difficult child that $35 buys lots of ramen noodles.

  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Probably buys a lot of macncheese too!!!
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    That amount is what the gov't gives to a single person for food stamps..actually $200 a month. It's doable but doesn't cover paper products etc. He won't starve but will have to be careful. DDD
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    UMMM I feed Q and myself on about that much...and he is eating like a horse. Yes, it is true if you buy already prepared food and do not make anything like p b and j ever, I guess it could be hard... the cigs he can do himself period, or quit.

    Yeah, it is doable. he is so blessed to be getting any money for food like that. What do they do if they dont have parents to help? do they get food stamps? Can he apply for that?
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh I will be so angry if he is using you for grocery money and runs as soon as he gets the chance. I probably shouldn't say that TL but he treats you badly then relapsed and doesn't even have the decency to tell you, but calls you for money and has the nerve to be ungrateful about it. I am angry for you. I know you don't want to rock the boat, so I'll be outraged for you.

  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    $50 a week for groceries is more than enough for a single person....especially if he uses it to actually buy food.

    $50 a week is NOT enough to buy food AND alcohol, cigarrettes, fast food, junk food, etc.

    Sounds like the right amount to put on the card to me!
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    LOL Nancy. Thanks yes you be angry for me. To be honest I am beyond being angry. I am reading that book Changing Lives (not far in it yet) so I am just seeing his behavior as part of being a drug addict. I am actually kind of amused... I mean he says "Do you believe everything you are told??".....LOL yeah thats part of my problem I believed you too much!!! Guess that line of his didn't work on me. LOL.

    I really feel like I am making a shift to a different place. Of course it comes and goes.... but honestly i had a good day today. He is going to do what he is going to do and if he never really gets in recovery that is his choice. I really can't do any more than I have already done. One thing I realized this weekend is that for whatever reason he needs some serious space from me...... I think I bring out his guilt, his remorse, his self loathing and he can't handle it. I don't think it is something I am doing as much as his own feelings about himself. BUT I am thinking now that he needs space from me to figure it out. So I am giving him as much space as I can. I am learning to detach.

  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Did you mean Everything Changes or is that another book I need to get?

    I'm proud of you.

  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    No I meant Everything changes... funny how I just changed the title... don't know what that means!!!

    I really think that book is going Occupational Therapist (OT) be helpful... I plan on reading it on the plane tomorrow.

  12. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    TL, I am so very sorry. Stick to your guns. It is the best thing.

    Isn't it funny how they always want to change the subject to us? I swear mine could be standing over a body with a smoking gun and say - but remember the time you were late to pick me up in second grade?
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Have a safe trip and enjoy the time with your family.

  14. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    As my PC14 used to say (a few years ago) YEPERRONI!


    This is my difficult child's fault because HE IS USING/DEALING DRUGS - telling his (aunts & uncles) about it has nothing to do with it. And he knew the rule - use substances, lose (parental) scholarship.

    Planning to download Everything Changes. Currently reading "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children " (kill as in figuratively not literally) and it is not helping me out...just depressing me...

  15. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That is so funny and so true!!!!:rofl:

    TL -- I'm sorry that you had a rough day but it sounds like you are developing a healthy detachment to the situation. Good work!

    Sig - - I read that book, too. I think it helped because I didn't want to be one of those parents that had a 50-year-old difficult child living with me bleeding me dry. It helped me realize I had to detach because I couldn't force her to change.

    Last edited: Jan 25, 2012
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This reminds me when difficult child said her problems were all my fault because I called the police on her when she drank and used drugs.

    I think we could write a book from our difficult children perspective and call it Why It's Not My Fault.

  17. Signorina

    Signorina Guest



    and a fiction book IN EROTIC ROMANCE came up. And not only was it erotic romance, the bookcover was semi graphic ummmmm homosexual romance....

    and now my Amazon recommendations are really skewed...

    Thanks for the laugh...

    and in case you think I am nuts...NSFW link: Everything Changes eBook: Megan Hart: Kindle Store
  18. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    and I think the difficult child's book should be called

    "Why It's all My Mother's Fault" with the subtitle of "Sleepless nights and potty training are like a vacation compared to me now..."
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lol Sig I like your title better. And I'm glad your sense if humor is intact.

    You may start getting spam email of the erotic kind.

  20. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Finally, something to look forward to!

    (Sorry to hijack your thread TL - somehow me being overwrought has led to me being goofy)