Need help adult daughter wont talk to me.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dotty, Mar 7, 2012.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Hi there. Well - I'm still going with my initial assessment of GET THEE TO A THERAPIST - NOW! But since you've told a little more about the home situation - I'll amend my initial advice. (having been there done that) - Since your husband is NOT on the same page as you and since he is not going to change his mind? YOU GO - You go to the therapist and talk about the hurt, the pain, the emotional loss, the feelings of emptiness, and lonlieness, betrayal, wasted years, tired, bitterness - because not a single adjective I've just thrown at you? Doesn't pertain to your emotional state right now. Does it? (be honest with yourself) no need to answer me - just yourself.

    I say this because you have MORE than just the relationship with your daughter falling apart under your roof and that's HUGE.....ENORMOUS. Not only are you not having a relationship with your daughter - you aren't having a relationship with your husband, and not only aren't you having a relationship with your husband - HE's having a relationship with HER! WOW!! - Now while most people are going to look at that sentence and say "Well Star, it IS his daughter - what's he supposed to do NOT talk to her, NOT support her, NOT blah blah blah?" My answer is -WELL - If she's treating her Mother like ****? Then NO - he should NOT be continuing to support her in the fashion that he is with lunches and cell phones, and things like that - UNLESS the conversations are to try and MEND the relationship - and I sincerely doubt it. Because if they were? Then he would be coming back to you Dotie and saying "I had a talk with Daughter X today about how she treats you and she said the reasons she does X and Y is because she feels you ABC...can we all get together for lunch and work on ABC? would you be open to that?" And he's not. THAT is what a therapist would HELP YOU with Dotie - So yeah - THIS is why I say - GET THEE TO A THERAPIST - because .....and here comes the part that is OH NOT SO PRETTY.......(and I've faced it so I'll share it)

    THE THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH YOU.........THE THINGS THAT YOU ARE DOING WRONG as a MOTHER, WIFE, PERSON, FRIEND, DAUGHTER???? The things that you maybe don't EVEN KNOW you do that are annoying to the REST OF THE WORLD - or DO...DO and just choose to ignore by saying WELL that's who I am if you don't like it - (%)(%O(#() you...that's me! ----MAY WELL BE the reasons you aren't able to HAVE a relationship with your daughter, your husband, your friends, your co-workers...

    BUT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT COIN.........(and there IS ANOTHER SIDE) and this is the side that is THE WONDERFUL PART OF WHO YOU ARE......
    When you DO go through therapy and open a lot of the doors in your past, and deal with some things that are painful, some things that we stuff, and put away because it was easier, and quicker to stuff them away and lock them up instead of DEALING with them, or maybe we didn't HAVE anyone to work them out with at the time- because we were too young, didn't understand, or didn't want to - once you deal with all that old stuff then you find out about WHO YOU REALLY ARE, WHat makes up your personality, HOW YOU TICK, HOW YOU REACT to OTHERS, HOW YOU EFFECTIVELY communicate TO others????? It's now that you begin to see that you are answering people with positivity, honesty about yourself - PAUSE......before answering instead of REACTING.....and when you DO answer, when you DO talk to the ones you care about - your answers are clear....not based on raw emotion - but well thought out from many perspectives - you took time to think......not react before giving an answer.

    You stop asking yourself things like - WAS I A BAD MOTHER - because you absolutely KNOW ----YOU WERE NOT, and you answer that question with a statement - I did what I did at the time with the best tools and knowledge available to me, because HAD I KNOWN any better or had any tools better available to me at that time? I WOULD HAVE USED THEM - because I purposely did NOT make the WORST decisions I could for my child at that time - I made the best ones I knew how. I DID THE VERY BEST FOR YOU I KNEW. End of conversation. And you feel it in your heart, and bones. Without a shred of doubt. But not unless you get rid of all the baggage through therapy.

    You don't know me - and my story is long, and some parts of it were very hard. My youngest, and only living son is now 21. To say he was a handful, and one of the most difficult children to raise would be an understatement. His biological father is a complete mess of a human being. He's a diagnosis sociopath/psychopath, with BiPolar (BP), and borderline tendencies. He's a lifetime drugaddict, alcoholic, womanizer, abusive to women, men, and animals. He has absolutely no conscience or guilt over anything that he's done, and is a career criminal. With over 25 suicide attempts in his profile, we believe he answers to a different master as he's still alive, and recently diagnosis with cancer. After a 15 year separation my son chose to seek him out to try to have a relationship, and a week after meeting up? My x took a baseball bat after my son and tried to kill him. Yet he tried for 2 more years to have a relationship with him. My son continued to believe he did something wrong. It's just now that he's wanting to seek therapy - he wants to know why - he ever wanted a relationship with someone that treated him so badly, but tells us it's for his anger. Either way - we're glad he's looking for help.

    I continued therapy after leaving this man for 15 years. The things he did to me, to us were hideous. But it wasn't just him....but Ipassed it off as him. Truth was, I had a lot of issues in childhood that were unresolved I never even knew existed. I had great parents - I just had unresolved issues, and no ones parents are perfect. We all do things as parents that affect our kids - differently...Things happen at school, things happen in peer groups, things happen in sports...things we may or may NOT even remember that change our LIVES forever and form paths in our brains that cause us to behave certain ways....and just like your daughter ---there are things that you DID do right, and things that you may not have done right that formed her thinking, conscious and subconscious....there are things that happened to her in school - in play---in sports...things you have NO control over how it affected her thinking, logic, cognitive brain. SHE IS WHO SHE IS because of HOW she perceived things at certain times - and our brains are collecting data 24/7 with every sense we have and storing them like a digital camera ------and filing them away.

    So for you to try and figure out WHY shes's picked this boy? Well (scratches head) there are some (shrugs) pre-determined abusive type relationships - I mean you could point out that she has low self esteem. YOu could say she feels she can change this man with love at first, you could say she feels sorry for him, you could say it's him and her against the world....If you want to know more? Get in touch with a local domestic violence shelter and I say that NOT because he's beating her - but because you feel there is abuse on different levels - there is verbal, mental, physical.....and he sounds controling to you - that could be mental. There is a cycle to domestic violence. Educate yourself to understand it.....before you just jump in with both feet and start accusing her or him. You see him as a waste of a human - beneath your daughters stature, not worthy. And if THAT's what you're coming at her with? You're not going to win ANY points with her on getting her to leave. But if you were to educate yourself, and know facts, and begin to present FACTS about abusive men in a factual way that maybe is statistical....and plant seeds? You may have a better shot. PRobably NOT - because it takes HER getting to counseling and being honest about HER life and finding out about HERSELF -before she would see why she's picking the men she is, before she's just going to up and believe her Mother - a Mother who isn't willing to even work on bettering herself.....

    Oh and there's the stigma about seeing a shrink? Yeah well ------You know what......Nertz to them. I'd rather tell everyone I saw a therapist for 15 years and know what I kow and be so self assured and not pick loosers in my life and be able to literally see the handwriting on the wall -----and NOT engage in office gossip, drama, and go home to my quiet life and dogs ----than to complain about my life constantly have no one to support me, be miserable all the time, sad, crying, and have my children hate me, OH and road rage? Gone..that one is really good because now I drive 18 wheelers.., and not know how to detach at all.....and have no one want to come near me when I walked in a room - for fear I was going to start talking about my misery......that gets old. That vs. Did you know Star is seeing a shrink (snicker) seems to me - it was worth the 15 years....

    It was definitely a great gift I gave myself and my family who now say I'm so much more have a choice....and if you can't afford it? ALL county mental health services are free or on a sliding scale -most UNited ways offer it, Catholic Charities, Lutheran CHarities, Baptist churches....(and you don't have to be attending).....and I even cleaned offices once for a guy that I couldn't afford for 30-45 minutes of his time...

    And we're a great support group......straight up tell ya like it is ------but wonderful.

    Hugs & Love
  2. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Thanks Star....You are right about so many things. I envisioned this wonderful relationship with my oldest daughter, and it hurts to know not only do we not have it, but she won't even meet me for coffee to discuss anything. I know I wasn't a terrible Mom and while I'm sure I made mistakes, what Mom hasn't, ALL my kids know I love them and would do anything for them, and when they need something, or are in trouble, etc., etc., it is ME they come to, NOT dear old dad. And you're right finding this forum was a Gods send to me because it gives me others to talk with and vent to. I don't really talk about this to my coworkers, neighbors, friends, family, etc. I don't want to be a downer and I'm more of a private person. I really only have one good friend I fully confide in and she says a lot of what you are telling me now. She has never had children and it helps talking to those who have been there, done that. Thanks again. I will keep you posted. As for now, nothing new. No relationship with the daughter or the hubby. :(

    Hugs right back at you for all you have and continue to go through in your own life.

  3. smith21502

    smith21502 New Member

    Wait tell she gets preggers or has kids..then she will be consoling you.
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2012
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911


    The hardest thing I have had to do in my life was put my sons belongings in a trash bag, and a duffle bag and buy him a train ticket BACK to where his biodad was. His behaviors at home with us (me and DF) were so outrageous someone was going to end up (not exaggerating) hurt, in the hospital or in jail. So, before anything like that happened? We (meaning me and the mouse in my pocket) sat and cried, and cried about the relationship - lost. The one that could have been. The one that I thought through thick and thin would keep us (me and my son) melded together not enmeshed as a lot of dysfunctional parents become - but strong allies. After he saw the way his biofather behaved I was SURE, absolutely positively sure -he would come home running, if not screaming with his tail between his legs and have a brand new plan and at the least - at the.very.least? A life-time apology to me for all the hatred, ugliness, venom and threats he had spewed over the years - and trust me his mouth knew no limits. However when he came back the first time it was "OH My wonderful super Dad - my HERO-worship..." and I just sank.

    I think a part of me WANTED him to come back defeated, and another part just wanted him moreso to come back EDUCATED with eyes wide open and look at me and say "DAMN Mom - I can't belive someone as intelligent as you put up with a #%*) like that! I'm so sorry, for ever doubting you." Because in fact - all the doubts he had turned inwards on him and became his fuel for anger, hate, and behaviors that were out of control. I took it as something I did wrong for so long - because? BECAUSE they SAY "YOU MESSED UP MY LIFE - YOU DID THIS, YOU DID THAT." and a part of us allows ourselves to actually believe it because we have that incling of doubt in the recesses of our minds that always nags and nags, and nags saying like a whisper in our ear "She wouldn't be like this IF you had........(fill in your blank) as a parent, but when you go to therapy and get in touch with the REALITY of WHOM is really responsible for your actions - beit yours or hers? You can start to sort through years of mis-labled and innapropriate blame. And THEN? Then you are able to start really healing, and helping and learning - HOW to turn this "supposed disaster" of a relationship into the one you would like it to be. If ever there was a chance? This is how you get it.

    You DO NOT get a relationship with these kids by constantly cow-towing to their anger. By BLAMING yourself, doubting yourself, allowing them to see you cry, and hurt. Offering to pay for this and that when they are ugly and nasty. There is a thing as turn the other cheek, be the example - but in doing so we also have to remember to raise up a child in the way he will go or she for that matter -and .......realize that sometimes with children that don't think "NORMALLY" (whether it IS a mental disorder or just a parenting error, or a life glitch that caused it??) DIFFERENT parenting for each child is ABSOLUTE. You can't raise her like you did the others. You can't treat her like you did the others, you can't parent her like you did the others, you can't discipline her like you did the others. It would be nice to say "Well my Mom and Dad raised US all the same, and we turned out......mostly.....okay." but even when I think about those 1960's parenting me? There were things that my Mom and Dad did differently with myself and my sister and she turned out to be quite a little snot all the way around, and isn't very nice period. We had the same everything. Even Christmas presents. Lord - I have no idea what her problem is - but my suggestion to her was "GET counseling."

    The therapist actually is good for so many reasons. If you get a good one? YOu have someone who is educated about conflict resolution, problem solving, and outcomes. This is a guide ----for you to have a non-partial person listen to YOUR side of the story,and offer sugestions for YOU to try. When you have tried ALL the suggestions in earnest? And take an honest look at the relationship - it's like you can say to yourself - Not only did I do everything I could do as a Mother to raise her, but I did everything I could do to IMPROVE MYSELF when I saw our relationship was going no where - so that we may be able to communicate - and still she was resistant - It removes the doubt, of most if not all of your what if's for the future, and again - puts the ball back in her court.

    I didn't want my son to go back to FL years ago......I didn't want him to be anywhere near my x - but his choices HIS CHOICES put him there. He couldn't stay here. So he learned life and the whys of MOM DID THIS BECAUSE - the really hard way. The proof I had kept to show him meant nothing until he saw the person in action. Now? After Nearly 2.5 years? We have a relationship. A good one. It's baby steps but even he'll tell you that if I had never said "GET OUT, GO, you will not talk to ME like this, you will not XXX ME and get away with it....go talk to the world like that and see if they forgive you." he wouldn't appreciate me at all.

    To me - it was horribly worth it all. Today he doesn't have a shred of respect for biodad. But he treats me very well. He ASKS my advice on things, he asks DF's advice on things, he sent a letter at Christmas that was framable as far as I was concerned where he apologized for so many things in his past - and each that I thought he just skipped over or forgot? Nope - he rememberd. He thanked us both for being tougher on him than we should have been - and I teared up because I never thought we'd have a relationship. Then about a month ago I got a call from a woman I never met - never talked to, never knew existed who wanted to thank me personally for raising such a kind hearted kid. Her daughter was in the throws of suicide attempt and she called my son asking him if he knew what was wrong with the girl. My son dropped everything and ran to their house and sat up with the girl all night talking. The next day he told the girl in front of her MOther - On Mother's Day no less - that SHE was lucky to be in the same house with her Mom - he'd give anything to make it home just one Mothers Day and tell his Mom what he thought of her face to face. She said he spoke very highly of me - that I'm smart, and kind, loving and tough - but he felt that was his doing.

    So it can happen - there can be a relationship there - eventually - but it may not happen for a couple years. It may not happen at all. It may happen sooner - but the point of it all is like everyone says - You can only change what is in you to change - you can't fix her - and if there is a change to be made? IT has to start with your behaviors, and the willingness to take a long hard look at yourself and say "I know I'm not perfect, I know I've made mistakes, and I think maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk to a counselor/therapist about all of this and improve myself." In doing so - you're actually work towards repairing your relationship with her.

    been there done that - know it svcks eggs through a straw....So find the wisdom to either get a smaller chicken that lays smaller eggs, or get a bigger straw. Know what I mean??

    Hugs & Love
  5. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Not a whole lot more to report on my situation. I went 9 days without a call or a text, and each day got harder. My rotten husband finally made contact with her and asked her to talk with me. She told him absolutely not she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me ever. She told my son and daughter she wished I would die. Well that hurt so I texted her...lots...begging for forgiveness, asking if we could meet for coffee, telling her I accept Bozo in her life, and I just wanted to be part of hers, reminding her how I was always there for her.....Got no response whatsoever. Like I was dead, which hurt even more. Then I get into my rants and get angry when she doesn't respond so then I send meaner texts saying I can't believe she is with such a loser and alienated her family because of him, and that I didn't raise her to be a *****, living with a pothead, and that I feel sorry for her, etc. etc. etc. You get the drift. So here today, Saturday, I sit all alone with no one in my life, no one in my corner. My other two kids think I'm crazy because I cry all the time and tell me to face it she's not coming home, she hates me, and I've lost her forever. All because I didn't like this loser guy that none of her friends like either? And I did what any mother would and told her the truth because I love her? My husband and I fight constantly. He has what he thinks is a relationship with her. I know better. She is keeping him around to pay for the things she needs right now. She's always had a better relationship with dear old dad because he doesn't care to be too involved; turns his head at everything and pretends all is well...when it is not. Anyway this whole thing with my daughter has caused such a backlash in my family, it's turned my other kids against me because I'm so obsessed with trying to reach out to my troubled daughter. They all think I'm nuts, and yes, this situation is making me nuts, but I'm not crazy. I'm depressed, I believe from all that's gone on. But I am very much anything but crazy. I have instincts better than most, and unfortunately am usually right about them. I work a full time job at a medical facility with a lot of pressures and do extremely well. I get along with everyone outside of my family. I have friends, coworkers, and all think I'm the best nicest giving person. But I hate my husband, I hate my home life. It is very difficult to be here, but I have nowhere else to go. House has been for sale for years; not going anywhere in this economy. So we're stuck. Money's an issue because taxes are so high on the home and we have become "house poor", so I don't really have additional funds to talk wtih someone about what I am going through. In fact I tell very few people about the demons in my life.

    My questons to all of you now, is what do I do? I can't seem to get past the fact that my daughter hates me so much, and I'm not sure I even know why. I've always been there for her and when she was in trouble, I was there to help her then too. I think because I am so right about so many things, she turned away. She moved back with the loser when I found a safe filled with pot pipes , and drug toys. When I confronted her about it, she went ballistic, which to me says it all. But not to my husband. She was arrested last Jan 2011 for having pot possession and paraphanalia, which she said was his. She promised she'd be better and do better, and for a while she wasn't with him so much. But like every controlling loser, he won her back and she's totally brainwashed. He is on probation til May for drug possession. I'm hoping they aren't doing more than pot, but I worry where this will lead. As I said my daughter is still a straight A student. She has only one year to finish her xray tech program and is at the top of her class, so she can't be a drug addict, right? Please help. I've been texting all morning to get an answer. Nothing. I just want to meet her for lunch, coffee, anything, but I haven't talked with her in over two months, and I miss her terribly. This is not what I envisioned and now I feel I have noone to talk to, to vent to, to help me. Thanks guys :(
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    One thing I have learned is that I dont have to accept the relationships my kids have. Okay I didnt word that correctly. I dont have to like them particularly but I do the smile and bobblehead. Trying to convince a young adult that they are making a bad choice in a mate is like nailing jello to a wall. It isnt going to happen. I happened to get very lucky and convinced my middle son that his first fiance was cheating on him while he was a bootcamp and stopped his wedding at the altar. I had to pull out every trick I had in my bag of tricks. Darned near disowned him. She claimed I made up the evidence of the cheating. I think that was her undoing. I got him alone and showed him what I had and asked him point blank if he really thought I could do that and if I had ever lied to him and if he really thought I would lie to him now. He thought hard and knew the answer to all those questions were no. I mean I may have told him the tooth fairy was real and the easter bunny still came but I certainly wouldnt fake a video of his fiance having sex online. How on earth could I do that anyway?

    But I knew that I had used up my last chip. I wasnt thrilled with what eventually ended up to be his first wife who did end up cheating on him and I am not in the least bit happy with his second wife. I havent been head over heels with younger sons choices in girlfriends either. I zip it. Or do my best. Not to say I havent vented on here and to their dad. Not to say my son's dont know how I feel. They do. But I do my best to always act like I am happy for them. I figure they have to live with them. Not me.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    This is what I read in your posts. Likely it won't be what you want to hear but it is what I believe and my response to your request for help.

    1, You not only love your daughter but the two of you have been unusually close.
    2. She has been a huge source of pride and likely you have been too close to her due to problems with your husband.
    3. She is now making lousy choices and you have talked too often to her about that, hoping that she
    will trust you to make this huge decision. She wants to make her own adult choices. For her sanity she is choosing to avoid you. When you keep trying to force her to reconnect with her...she is more turned off.
    4. There is no doubt that she knows you love her.
    5. Meanwhile you are an intelligent mature woman who is determined to "get" your old connection back and, truthfully, you are shooting yourself in the foot.

    Many of us have "lost" adult kids along the way. Almost all of us have wanted to go grab our adult kid and bring them home to live. The good news is that with the passage of time alot of us have been able to reconnect adult to adult.

    I truly believe that you "know" you are justifiably in mourning. Using a family support group in your community might help. Studying the concept of detachment may help. Finding a new activity to fill the void in your life may also help. Reading posts (old and new) will help you realize that parental pain is not rare. You are with a fine supportive group with a variety of personalities and experiences. You are not alone. Hugs DDD
  8. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    You can't force a relationship with someone, even your children or your parents. The constant texting wanting to see her, begging forgiveness, telling her you would do anything to make things right and then when she doesn't respond, you get upset and start comming back ranting, calling her names, telling her what a loser she is and all she is doing wrong. You are going to have to come to terms that you have absolutely NO control over the situation (other than refusing to pay for her bills) and just let it go. If you never really had a good relationship with her, this course of action you are taking isn't going to help it, its not healthy.

    Its taken me a while to learn to butt out of my adult children's life and give no imput unless asked a specific question. It was constant drama with my eldest for a while with her bad choioces, and I had to detach to keep myself sane. It was hard for a while to change conversations from her to other things, but gradually it happened (helped along by my SO and her brothers who didn't want to hear her name or a word about her) Our relationship isn't ideal now - too much water over the bridge, but I do see her and my grandkids about once a month for dinner and its better than nothing.

  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You don't need money to get help, and you need help. Your local mental health facility could have better therapists than a high priced facility and they work on a sliding scale. Sometimes they are free. You can call them, make an appointment., and start healing. You may need depression medications and they provide an on-sight medical person as well. You can also see if there is some woman's empowerment self-help group to go with the therapy (I think self-help groups rock) or Families Ananymous. If you belong to a church talk to somebody there. You don't need money to get help. I think Narc-Anon would be a good choice where you could get some really good advice and friendship. Your daughter is obviously into drugs and drugs are very powerful..

    Dotty, take my word on this. I did what you did to my son (not as badly, but pretty much the same). He wouldn't talk to me, so I'd send him begging letters then nasty ones after he didn't respond. All it did was make both of them not respect me and laugh at me and the wife says she is afraid of me. I was a stay at home mom too. I did everything. Hub did nothing. We are divorced and he will give hub some of his time, but not me. I no longer care, but it used to kill me. Take my word for are not only losing her, you are making her have no respect for you. She is not remembering things the way that you do. She has her own distorted memories and every time you beg, she is thinking you are "crazy" (that's probably where she got the psychotic). PLEASE...don't do this anymore. It will only make things worse. YOU ARE ALSO LOSING THE RESPECT OF YOUR OTHER KIDS!!!! You need to look STRONG for your other kids. They can't see you weeping all the time.

    It makes no difference if Bozo has cost her other friends or if she has lost other firneds due to Bozo. The other friends don't care. Your daughter doesn't care.

    When I finally saw my son for the last time, I at least retained my dignity. I didn't beg him for anything. I listened to his ridiculous accusations that weren't true and watched his wife wail that she was afraid of me because I wrote letters. They had scanned every letter I ever wrote into their computer. My therapist told me it was so that he could remember why he was mad and to stay mad. He doesn't want to have a relationship with me and I finally realize that I not only can't force it and won't try every again...I know that he is not the same man (he is now 34) that I thought he was or that he used to be...or that maybe he never really was. If he ever comes back, it will be his decision and his alone and he will never again see me beg. I kept my chin up and walked away...and it was finally over. I'm not telling you to give up...I'm just saying that what you are doing is NOT effective.

    Your husband is going to give her money. She is not angry at him, whether or not he was there for her. You have to accept both things and try not to dwell on them. You can't control him or your daughter.

    I am guessing that, although you were and are a very good parent, you CAN be a bit controlling with your kids. It is time in my opinion to realize she is 22 and will make her own mistakes. You are on the verge of divorce to her father so you can not really say much about her boyfriend choice. I was divorced myself and do not feel I have the right to tell my kids that they have picked the wrong person. I don't like my oldest daughters SO, but I let her make her decisions about him. I think she is going to leave him, but I do more listening than advising. I do not want to drive her away, but I also want to be her rock if her world falls apart. If I get too bossy, she won't confide in me anymore. I hope this made sense :/

    Lastly and once again, PLEASE get help. You MUST let go of your daughter for your own mental health and to give your relationship a chance. If you go too far, it may never be the same. You still have a chance, but you can not force that in any way. All you can do is drive her away. Please, please...go get help. (((Hugs)))!
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2012
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    This is a painful painful situation for you and you need to get some real life support in your life. It sounds like drugs may be an issue... how much you do not know. I suggest you find some kind of support group, possibly an alanon parents group and go to ther meetings. They will help you focus on yourself and your life and to find a way to move on with your life. Your daughter may hate your right now but with young adults nothing is forever.... so you need to let go for now and let her find her path in life and her way and hopefully at some point she will come back to you. She may not but you don't know. Whatever she does you need to find a way to go on with your life, to enjoy your other kids instead of obsessing over this daughter and work on your marriage.

  11. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Hello everyone. I needed somewhere to go to talk to update things, so here goes. My daughter moved out 7 months ago, currently living with her loser boyfriend. He's all about control and doesn't want or encourage her to have a relationship with me because if she was closer to me, he loses control. Losing control means he may lose her. It makes me sick, and I refused to let her go. I refused to believe she could just turn against me, hate me, and not even respond to my tearful text messages and phone calls, but it's what she does day after day.

    I am willing to take full responsibility for the what I did to her. I was mean to her. I rode her constantly about her boyfriend I hated. I was a bad mom, verbally abusive, mentally abusive and I drove my daughter nuts. I pushed her closer to him. I yelled, I screamed, I demanded things of her all because I didn,'t like the boy she was dating. Trying to keep her away from her ended in her becoming closer than ever, and now they are inseperable. I keep telling myself that what I did was out of love and I was trying to protect her, and while this is true, it doesn't make it right how I treated her, how I belittled her and sent her packing. This started with him almost two years ago, and since then my daughter and I have had nothing. I refused to accept him in her life. He was disrespectful, had a record a mile long, and my instincts went nuts. He is every mother's worst nightmare. But my daughter was an adult and she had every right to make her own decisions, her own choices, and I didn't let her. Had I let her, she may have chosen to end this relationship a long time ago, but now she's out to prove a point and prove me wrong. And it may well end up to her marrying this Bozo. And I cringe everytime I think about it.

    The latest, after months of unanswered phone calls, texts, etc. I finally reached out to the boy. Told him I was willing to bury the hatchet for my daughter's happiness and asked if we could talk or meet. He never called, never responded to that because truth be told that's the last thing he wants. He has my daughter with him, living with him, under his control, and inviting me into their lives could mean her leaving and perhaps coming home. He doesn't want that, and I want nothing more. I hadn't seen my daughter or talked with her,and since she wouldn't respond, I went to where she works and sat in the parking lot waiting for her to come to her car. When she did, I asked if we could talk, tears in my eyes. She pushed me out of the way to get to her car, and punched me...yes I said punched me in the heat and shoulder. As she got in her car, she told me to get out of her way or she was going to run me down. And quite frankly, I believe she was capable and wiling to do it. I never saw so much hatred, so much anger in someone's eyes. She drove home to him. When I got home, I hurt, both physically and mentally. I finally realize that my daughter really really hates me down to the core. She has no compassion, understanding, anything in her eyes. She is cold. She is filled with hate and it is all directed at me.

    I admit I was wrong; I'd do anything to change how I treated her, how i drove her away. She tells her dad she hates me, that she is never coming back to that, and I don't blame her. I promised not to be that kind of mom again but she is perfectly happy with Bozo and has no intentions of leaving the little lovenest he has built for himself. I always believed there was some hope for my daughter and I. I always believed that after time had passed, she would see things differently and miss me. The opposite is true. The more time goes on and the longer she spends with him, the further she goes and the more she hates me.

    I'm not a good mom. I do things for my kids, I buy them all I can. But that's not the mother they needed. I made Christmas, birthdays, Easters, etc. special. I spent time creating Easter baskets, filling stockings, horsepony parties thinking this is what a good mom does. A good mom is there mentally and loves unconditionally. I refused to love my daughter as long as she was with this boy and as a result I have lost her forever. So where do I go from here. I take full responsibility for what I did to her, how she feels about me. But I did the best I could and loved my kids like noone else ever could or would. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for any of them. I have and will sacrifice everything for them, and no mother could love her kids and worry more than me.

    So my question is how do I go on knowing she's really truly gone. Not just for now, but forever. She will never forgive me and I never saw such evil, hatred, sadness, in someones eyes as I did her as she was punching me. I'm still sore and have had a headache for two days....a constant reminder of my last interaction with my daughter. What do I do? How do I come to terms with this? Mother's Day is next week and I just feel so sad all the time. It's like mourning the death of a child, but my child isn't dead...just dead to me. Eveything is empty. I look at old pictures of her as a young girl and she was always smiling. She used to be happy. It wasn't always lke this. I send her the pics and remind her. I'm so desperate for any kind of response even a negative one, but I got nothing. So what do I do? I just can't bare the thought of not having her in my life. I can't accept the fact that she hates me so badly and it's killing me. And she won't even let me tell her I'm sorry or hear what I have to say. What do I do? My other kids tell me to leave her alone, but they agree that what I did to her turned her away and say it was totally my fault. They talk to her like my husband does, and they too say she hates me more than anything. So how do I go on? Is there ever a chance do you think that she will change her mind and forgive me? No one is guaranteed tomorrows and I just want to make some peace with her in the event we don't have tomorrow. This is killing me. Please help! Thanks <3
  12. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Your pain is enormous. I'm incredibly sorry. I do understand. I also commend you for accepting not only her role in her choices, but recognizing also misguided choices of your own. Having said that, a few things jumped into my head instantly while reading your most recent update. Please hear my words as ones filled with compassion and not at all condemning.

    First thing. These self loathing, self berating messages you are sending yourself about yourself are more harmful to you than even this wall between you and your daughter. While you remain stuck assigning blame to your daughter, her boyfriend, your husband, and worst of all to yourself, you imprison yourself in a cycle that absolutely guarantees that you are NOT going to be able to feel better, find peace, be happy. And most certainly this type of self blame is going to guarantee you remain "stuck" and that means the worst case scenario for you will become a self fulfilling prophecy: your daughter and you will never in current mind set, mend fences. This "stuck" thinking traps you. Not her, she is living her life. It traps YOU. And as long as you are trapped in a prison of your own making, there remains a barred door that never has a chance to ever open for you and your daughter.

    You have done some of the first hugely hard things. You've recognized mistakes you may have made. You most certainly are desperate to feel better, to put into place a situation conducive of providing a possibility for a future reconciliation. Now the next step must happen. Series of steps really. Starting with, what has been going on, is NOT working. In fact, as things are and have been for some time, each text or email or call or invite or parking lot meeting? You are imposing more time incarcerated in your self made prison. Only YOU can get yourself out of that prison. Only YOU can make your world and life a appealing place that over time, yes time and not overnight, not even close; can be a life and world that your daughter may take baby steps to come back into. The thing is, this new prisonless world of yours? CanNOT be about your daughter. Not even a bit. For your own sake but also for hers. What have you to lose by enforcing a radically different approach? You cannot lose what is already lost. So my caring advice? Remove 100% of thinking in any fashion, about a impending or desired reconciliation. No focus on her. Let her be the adult woman she is and live her life for now. Leave her be. No calls or texts or emails or photos or contact of any kind. She is asking for this. Gift it to her. For now. For as long as it takes. Then with this time and energy used now for desperate and ineffective contact, take that energy into the direction you have a guaranteed benefit. Yes I said guaranteed. No guarantees she will come back to your life. You can however have a hope she might over time and with the right environment around you being present and consistent. The guarantee comes in the form of guaranteeing improved emotions, peace, a love of your life again.

    Find a support group. Use it to dump your feelings. But more so, use it as support to help YOU learn to talk less and think less about her. I mean you have no control over her. So use the support tools for YOU. Find your joy again. Find a way to a place where you can be not only okay, but also happy, wether she comes back into your life or not. Obviously if she never does, that will carry emotions and grief. But focus on your own life. Every aspect of it. And do whatever it takes to find yourself. Not as wide. Not ask mother. But as a individual. Put a self imposed gag on yourself. Not one word about your daughter outside therapy or a support group (including us! We are a great group to share with and do understand). Use those avenues for support about her. Otherwise, act day to day as though you are at peace with her choices. Eventually you will actually feel it. Model for her and your husband and your other kids, what they need to see from you. You as a woman who finds joy in her job, her children who are in your life. Hobbies and friends and laughing and enjoying life. Stop showing any feelings about and expressing thoughts about, any others contact with her. Stop displaying any opinion about anyone who assists her. For example, your husband. Example: your husband mentions paying her bill or givin her money. Your response? I know that it means a lot to you as a father to feel you are providing. I'm sure she appreciates it. Example: husband or your other children mention speaking to her. Response? It makes me very happy to know you are able to have a relationship with her. Say this with a genuine smile on your face. If asked by husband or other kids why you aren't speaking of her any more or comment on your short but kind and accepting comments about her? Keep giving similar messages. Every single time. Such as: I realized that I had a need to love via control and it wasn't healthy. I'm focusing on personal growth whole providing her with the space she has asked me to give her. I love her as much as ever. I always will. Meanwhile I will continue working on self growth. To love without micro managing. To love her enough to give her space and use this time to deal with making my life balanced and happy. I will however also have the door open for her should she want to begin a me and different relationship.ayne over time she will see that I am learning to love her without the need to beg for a relationship and I am learning to give her what she needs most which is the right to make her own choices without my .02

    The key is, really focus on doing these things. I honestly believe you guarantee yourself a positive outcome. Because the end result is a healthy and balanced you, who is living a fulfilling life. And then if she comes back into your life down the road? You win again a wonderful gift and have the tools to make it work long term. And if she doesn't reach out or takes years to do so? You will be the strongest you possible and will have the tools to cope with accepting her choice.

    I felt so sad reading your posts. Your mothers heart is apparent. Your pain is raw. That is what you need to fix right now. That is what IS in your control. Heal yourself. Only then might the ground be laid to heal this relationship. Please please please stop judging yourself and your past choices. It is done and we are always our own worst critics who hold ourselves to impossible standards. Focus on knowing you love her and always loved her and you've acted alway motivated by love. Mistakes happen. Focus instead on what can be done differently now that you can look back and see what obviously didn't work or maybe even worsened the situation. Every relationship in your life will benefit from this new approach of focusing on yourself. Trust me. They will notice. And you can bet as it lasts and continues and the new you is a confident and happy you who can let go , word will get back to her.
  13. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Mattsmom, you have taken my breath away with your post -- you are so wise. I think every word you said is spot-on.

    Dotty, my heart really ached reading your post. Please use us here as a place to unload, as Mattsmon has suggested. I think her insight into your situation is brilliant -- and the logic is so simple really. Although I'm sure it won't be easy to do, but at least that way you will have a direction.

    I wish you strength,

    Love, Esther
  14. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Thank you. I will try what you suggest Where can I find a support group. What type of group am i looking for? I definitely need Someone and group of people who have been Where i am. I know in my head all I need to do ans should do but I miss her and think of the way I wantef things to be or I remember an earlier time when things were so good and its hard to stop from calling or texting. I fund myself sad and crying all the time. I did the best I could but it wasn't good enough. My daughter is paying a high price for needing to get away from me. Please give me namw of some support groups I can physically.go to as I'm sure they will help or at least give me somewhere to go and be so I leave her alone.
  15. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

  16. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Thank you. I'm going to read it!
  17. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Well I wanted to let you all in on an event that happened today that has made me realize exactly what I need to do. Perhaps it was the shove I needed; the reality check for me to realize my daughter's just not worth the pain, suffering, and tears I have given up for her. Remember the druggie boyfriend? The one I never liked, the one who promised he'd keep my daughter away from me. Well today I was served court papers by a sheriff, some order of protection type papers. There was a drug magazine delivered to his place of employment last week and he is determined to pin it on me, says I tried to get him fired. Although I could think of nothing more suiting for this loser than to lose his job, I did no such thing as send a magazine. I don't understand how a magazine like that could cost someone their job. I know who he works for; I could have simply made a phone call. In any event I have to report to court in a couple of weeks to see Bozo and my daughter who has done nothing but spread rumors and lies about me to everyone. I have a good name in ths community and don't deserve what she has done to me. I packed up the rest of the things she has left here. I plan to take them to where she works and change the locks on the door if my husband will allow me to. I can't forgive what she has put me through and what she has done and the lies she has told. I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes, but I gave her my all, and I sacrificed more than most for her to have something. I don't deserve what I get or what I got today. Her boyfriend has won. It was his plan to alienate her from her family and he did just that. He destroyed our entire family and the caused nothing but hurt, fighting and bad blood between all of us. I need to let her go and I am. She posted on her facebook for all the world to see that she punched me in the face last week and it never felt so good, and she was so proud of herself for doing it. She said she hated me to the core and she wouldn't be happy until she put me in a mental institution, jail, or worst the grave. I'm mortified, hurt, and am just plain numb. What is everyone's feelings now??? Is it possible to hate a child? Because that's what I'm feeling right now. : (
  18. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Dottie, the only thing I can suggest is some therapy for yourself, and maybe an antidepressant to keep you on an even keel as your posts are all over the place, alternating between your fault, boyfriends fault, her fault then your fault again.

    I would highly suggest that you stay away from her work, her home and the both of them - if they have taken out an order of protection, you can be arrested and I don't hesitate to say I think she would do it. If she does not want to speak to you, or have anything to do with you, you cannot stalk her via phone or trying to catch her at work. Give her some time and distance, and in the meantime work on your issues so you have some sembalance of a life that does not include thinking about her and her boyfriend 24 hours a day.

    Good luck to you - hope you find some peace with this

  19. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I have gone through this. It has been six years since I've interracted with one of my sons, and we only interracted one time because I asked his church for help and they got him to meet me. BOY WERE THEY NASTY. they were so nasty and hurtful that I never want to see them again. This is not the boy I raised AT ALL. He changed a lot after he met Wife.

    It's been over a year since that last and only meeting in six years. I can not change anything and, after sitting there and hearing the abuse face-to-face, I rarely think about him anymore (except for the cute little boy he once was, but that seems like a different person). I tell people I have four kids because I do. We adopted Scott at age six and he does not want to be a part of our family. He is thirty-four now and can make that decision that he couldn't make at age six. He is not even down in my signature. I have detached as far as one can and take joy and extra comfort in my other four children and my husband and the simple things in life.

    Going to court was such a vicious thing to do that I'd get into therapy and move on. Don't even ask about her anymore because hearing about her life and what she says about you will only hurt you and won't change anything. Don't just blame Bozo though. I don't just blame Scott's wife. Scott is a willing participant in this...he is equally to blame. All of us make mistakes, but people choose to forgive or to never forgive. Our children, for now, are not forgiving...and are being exactly what they accuse us of being. Or worse.

    Time is a great healer. Even for something as horrible as this. (((Hugs)))!
  20. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Dotty, I will abide with what the others said.

    Concentrate on your life, not on your daughter's and Bozo.
    Solve your personal issues, not your daughter's one.
    When you start to solve your issues, then you will be able to concentrate or not with your daughter's relationship. But right now, it's not the main problem.
    Concentrating about your daughter's relationship now is putting the cart before the horse.

    It was when I cut any relationship with my dad -more difficult child than me at 58 yo - and concentrate on my fight to make a law change that the relationship went easier. It lasted a year and a half before we could think about building a relationship again. His wife is now out of my life, I consider her as a waste in a garbage.
    He complains about my refusal of relationship, whatever it is, with his wife ? It's his problem, not mine.
    He complains because I refuse drunk driving ? And mom complains too ? Their problem, not mine.
    I have been there done that with my dad, and the abuse's brain, his wife. Dad was only a follower, his wife was the brain as a psychologist. I have more against the brain than the ship.
    I am lucky that my sister is on the same page as me about this problem, so it eases the matter a bit.

    Do something you truly enjoy. You want to advocate for ecology ? Do it. You want to travel ? Do it.
    Whatever you want.

    Hang in there, you're not alone

    See a therapist if you think you need it.