I am very new to speaking with others about my life with mentally ill children but I have come to the end of my options for trying to save my 20 year old son (my youngest) from harm and "lack of a life". I have been a "perpetual mother" to 3 emotionally disturbed children for 33 years and I am tired, heartbroken and scared. My youngest boy has had many troubles since age 9....good kid but lot of anxiety, irritability and suicidal attempts/idealogy. It has been very scary going to work knowing he may not be alive when I come home. As you can imagine it is very taxing and scary to live this way. I have been a single mom since I was pregnant with him and we have been very close (actually has been my shadow out of so many fears.) Until about 3 years ago. I thought it was a natural pulling away...just like young adults will do (I have a 22 yr old as well) but it became very nasty and very hateful towards me...he has been in counseling and on/off medications for many years so I was used to some of this. But this was very different. I knew he needed to be hospitalized for his sake and also for the first time I was afraid of my son. At first he talked them into believing he was fine...no problems...he's 20...needs no help. Then they spoke with me and thank goodness they commited him on a 72 hr hold. He stayed a week...best relief I have felt in many years. He came home and was to step down to Partial Hospitalization. He went one day and said he no longer needed help. I knew if he wasn't going to follow the program and take the opportunities given to him....it would return back to the way it always was. So I gave him a choice ....either he was getting on that van (they even picked him up!!) or he needed to figure out where he was going because come 9am he was going somewhere. He chose a friend and told me how glad he was never to see my face again. I packed his bag (with his bible and pictures of all of us as a family) and dropped him off. I was a bit worried but he is 20 and will have to find his own path...as rocky etc, that might be. Well one week later he's calling ...I can't do this...they want me to leave....please I will follow rules etc. So I thought...maybe he will try to follow a path. I was very wrong. His medications ran out and his nastiness and hatred never went away so I told him he needed to agree to medication mgmt at hospital because he wasn't feeling well off medications....he finally agreed and just before being seen he bolted from the hospital. Being 20, I would have let him go if he had said my friend's picking me up...i'm outta here but because I didn't know whether he bolted out with suicidal thoughts...I called police. they found him and he said he wants no medications, no hospital, never see me again and never go home...his buddy was picking him up. Ok decision made I needed to go home...he's 20. 5 minutes home he's calling...come get me problems at the home he is at. i said I would only pick him up if he went back for medication mgt. he refused so I refused. An hour later he's on my front porch (I am not home....driving around for calm nerves) and I called police to help me...either he goes to hospital (because by this time I learned of all the disruption and chaos he created at the other home) or he needs to leave. Of course police do suicide assessment "Do you want to harm yourseif...do you have plan?: Of course he says no so now police tell me he lives here and needs to go in to bed. I cannot do anything unless he harms me and I call them. So, in comes his hateful nasty attitide to bed. Today was hard to work because he was home alone and I didn't know if he would harm himself just to harm me. He's so impulsive and thinking is skewed...to kill himself would be his lesson to me. Tonite i tried to talk to him about what to do...he has no desire to do anything except stay away from me in his room and he will be fine. I have made a decision and I am heartbroken and scared....there is a homeless shelter in town that has some really good programs (MH counseling, job coaching, church etc) and i want to drop him off there period. I know it sounds radical but at least he may have opportunity to make a life, get some help and grow up. Any thoughts anyone??