New member looking for support and advice about difficult realtionship with her daughter

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by runawaybunny, Jan 9, 2016.

  1. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Posting this for @July. She is having a little trouble posting a new thread.

    My daughter and her boyfriend live in my home. I've been staying at my boyfriends for a couple of months. During this time my daughter will not let me in my home and when I have been in there. She usually treats me really bad verbally, Last week, I went in while they were not there, after asking for something I'd needed in my home and she put somewhere else. And I found items missing from my home. Too much in fact.

    This happened before and the boyfriend returned the items. I'm promised again these items will get returned and that was suppose to happen today. As of yet it has not. The weather is not best either right now. But, it could still be done.

    My ties with my daughter have been strained many years ago and this is the first opportunity I've had to mend them with her. Now this has happened. They had no reason to take the items out of my house, I'm sure he is doing drugs and my daughter probably is too.

    I would like to get the law involved but, I don't want to jeopardized my relationship with my daughter. I want him out and to go to jail. How can I do this?
  2. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    You cannot have a relationship with someone who does not want a relationship with you. And from what you've written, she doesn't seem to want a relationship but rather wants to take whatever you will give and she can take from you.

    It sounds like you have two options - and pardon my bluntness:

    1. Continue to let her run over you, controlling your home, your possessions, and your emotions...


    2. Have her removed from your home and your life until SHE is ready (if ever) to treat you and your home appropriately.

    Either way, you won't have a relationship until SHE wants one, no matter how badly you want it. You can only control one side of the equation - yourself.
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have a few things I would have never done.

    I have to explain, although I AM a bit of a prude in my own life, I can't say I would never allow a well behaving daughter and her well behaving boyfriend to stay with me FOR A SHORT WHILE. But a nasty pair? No way. And I would never leave my place for a grown child, nice or not nice.

    You can't have a relationship with somebody who lies, takes drugs, and steals from you. An addict is sick and unable to be anything but until sober. I would definitely press charges on the stolen goods and get a policeman to lead you back to your house and get the two of them out. Your house is your sanctuary. You deserve to have peace IN YOUR HOME. If she has untreated Borderline (BPD) she is unlikely to ever have a stable relationship with you or anyone else. It is her own choice to seek out the long, harrowing path of good mental health by admitting she has a problem and seeking good help for herself and committing herself to hard work. It can be done, but only she can do it. Until she does, she is Borderline (BPD). Read the symptoms.

    Hugs for your hurting heart. Prayers for you to be brave. I do know this is hard. But YOU matter and must take care of yourself first. Nobody should ever make you leave your house again. EVER.
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi @July and welcome to the forum.

    I am so sorry for your situation. It sounds like you have given and given and given trying to have a good relationship with your daughter. Truly and unfortunately, as others have said, if she is using substances there is no way you can have any kind of a real relationship with her because her #1 is the substance and she will run over anybody and anything who tries to stop her from getting those substances.

    I know it is really really hard to stop doing what you are used to doing, even if it doesn't work, and try something new. And it is even harder when you change but the other person doesn't and even gets worse.

    But you are in a completely no-win situation. What you are doing isn't resulting in a good relationship with your daughter. You have given everything.

    She has all the power and that isn't good in any relationship. It won't work.

    I would recommend you start learning about heathy boundaries. The first book I ever read about this was Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. It is a great book. I also read Codependent No More shortly after that (Melody Beattie). It also opened my eyes. I realized that's many of my relationships had very unhealthy boundaries and I needed to change. That change has been hard but today I am happier than I have ever been. I don't take on the problems of others (most of the time lol) and I work hard to accept people as they are.

    One of my hard and fast rules is also that my home is my sanctuary. And we teach people how to treat us.

    If you can start changing she will have to change.

    We are glad you are here. You will hear Iots of ideas and options and encouragement. We are a soft place to land. Warm hugs.
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  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi July, glad you have found us, but so sorry for your need to be here.

    Sometimes, it is hard to see a situation, for what it is, until we take a step back from it. It is good you are posting here, it gives you the opportunity to view what's been going on, in written form, vent a bit, and receive responses from parents who have dealt with similar trials.

    These are our children, we just want the best for them.

    I know, I have been there, trying, and trying, wondering how things got to the place they were at.

    We have been dealing with difficulties with two daughters for quite some time.

    As mothers, we want to provide, protect and care for our children, it is natural for us to want to nurture them. Our relationships can go through rough times when they become teenagers, and if they fail to launch as adults, I think we just get into the habit of helping, then over-helping.
    In my State, even if it is an adult child living in our home, they are legally considered "tenants". There is a process of eviction. You may want to check your State laws. One of my neigbors lived with her boyfriend, and her son still lived at her home with his girlfriend. Mom came to the house to try to remove her. Police were called, and the girl produced mail addressed to the home. Mom had no mail. The police could not do anything.
    You are her mother, July, you have been gracious to let her live in your home, and she is verbally abusive?
    This is your home, why does she think she has the right to refuse you entry?
    With this, she is already behaving as a tenant, with rights.
    This does not surprise me. Our two, would take things while we were at work. I thought at first, I was misplacing stuff, then it was pretty obvious. It became blatant. There are many posts here, where d cs have stolen money, family heirlooms, treasured jewelry, credit card theft, the list goes on and on. You are not alone in this.
    I am sorry this is happening to you. It is unacceptable, not only the theft, all of it.
    This is sad, July, you were trying to reconnect with your daughter. She has taken advantage of your kindness. You are probably correct about her using drugs. This is usually the case, with this type of behavior. It is true, that drugs are first and foremost, in an addicts mind. Everything else, including family, is last.

    July, what you have with your daughter, is a relationship jeopardized already, through her actions. She is disrespectfully walking all over you.
    The more leeway you give her to mistreat you, the more she will.
    You have value, you matter.
    I hope you are able to find a solution to this.
    It is hard to take steps we are not used to.
    You have already begun, by posting here. The folks who respond, have been on similar journeys and offer advice and guidance. Whatever your choice may be, we are here to support you.
    Keep posting, more will come along and share their thoughts.
    Hugs for your hurting heart.
  6. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    If they get their mail there at your house, you have to go through the process of evicting them. If you don't and you remove them, they could sue you. My ex sister in law just went through this with her brother to get him out of their mothers home where he was living when she died this past year (their Mother). She had to get an attorney to legally evict her brother.
  7. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are going through this, July.

    It was nice of you to let your daughter live in your house while you are staying with your boyfriend. It sounds like she is taking advantage of that.

    I don't see how you can get the law involved without jeopardizing your relationship with your daughter, at least in the short term. If she is on drugs and/or stealing from you, though, that is not a good thing to build a relationship on. If you are giving them a safe place to get high and stuff to steal and sell to support their habit, that is not helping her in the long run, in my VERY humble opinion. I agree with the others in that you may need to go through a formal eviction process, depending on where you live.
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome July,

    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. As parents we are wired to do whatever we can so our children don't suffer or feel pain, but this can also be very dangerous for us. You see there comes a point when helping is no longer helping but rather enabling which in turn hurts our children as well as us.

    I understand that you don't want to jeopardize your relationship with your daughter but what you are not seeing is the relationship you have is very dysfunctional. You have been allowing your adult daughter to manipulate you. Please don't take this wrong, I get it, we all get it. We just want our children to be happy and we do whatever we can to make that happen, but as I said before, you have gotten to the point where helping has turned into enabling.

    It is clear that your daughter has zero respect for you or your home. I do not know all the dynamics of what led you to allow her to live there with her boyfriend while you live somewhere else. Does your daughter pay rent? How old is your daughter and the boyfriend? Are either one of them working?

    If your daughter is a legal adult then you can most definitely get the law involved, however, you will need to check with the law to find out how to get her out of your house. You may have to file a legal eviction notice.

    Bottom line, it's your home and you need to take it back. If it were me, I would move back in and take control. I would get anything of value out of the home and keep it at your boyfriends or somewhere that your daughter and her boyfriend cannot get at it.

    I know that none of this is easy but it is something that you can get through. You have come upon this site which is filled with parents that have done battle with our difficult adult children. None of us want to be here but I for one am so grateful for this site and the wisdom and support that the members offer.

    Hang in there and let us know how things are going.