New poster, hanging on by a thread

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by notsureeither, May 8, 2012.

  1. notsureeither

    notsureeither New Member

    I am so glad to have found this site. It never occurred to me that having teenagers would be so upsetting for my husband and I. I thought we raised these three kids the best way we could; engaged in their school, played and coached sports, kept them on a short list. Everything was going OK until my middle child, my son, turned 12 and started running off when we asked him to do something, then came the apathy, the disinterest in school. His Sophomore year started off awful. He was put on probation for passing on a sexting message, then we caught him smoking pot, then I confiscated his phone to realize that he has had sex with two separate girls. He is about to turn 16 in a month! I have tried to scare him by showing him Scared Straight shows on A&E, had him watch a video named Overtaken about teenagers getting involved in drugs-starting with marijuana. My son thinks smoking pot is no big deal, yet his grades are terrible and he doesn't like high school at all. The only thing that he remotely cares about is his PT job. He is motivated to make money to buy a car. We are holding off on his getting a driver's license because of his bad behavior. He is rude, surly, uses profanity and is a total jerk. If we take away his job (which I don't want to do), I know things will get much worse with him having all this time on his hands. School is almost out in one month. I feel helpless, its if I am waiting for something to happen with his interest in marijuana. We tried to get him counseling and the counselor told me that he is "slick" and just gives her answers to move things along.
    I feel very much alone.
  2. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi notsureeither,
    I'm glad you found us. Many of us can totally relate with feeling...with knowing that we gave them the best we could and put in a ton of effort so as to avoid this course our children/difficult child's have ended up on. I for one took it SO personally when my difficult child boys began using drugs. I could not believe they would do this to all that their dad and I had given/provided for them. They destroyed the "ideal family picture" I had in my head. It took rehab, counseling, Al Anon meetings etc to get over my wrong thinking and to realize they were addicts with a disease, a bend toward using...and their bad behavior would result in consequences that would then give them (in their minds) even more reason to want to use snowballed. Of course an addict will use for Any reason. They have to have an honest inner desire to seek help and stop using one day at a time. Sadly enough...All of our "wanting" for them won't do it.

    It's been awhile since I had a 16 yr old but boy can I relate to the unruliness/rudeness. Mine became very disrespectful during that time period.
    I think it's wonderful though that your son has a job and goals. Neither of my sons wanted to work hard during their teen yrs...Only since adulthood have they (one son) really put in strenuous effort to succeed or get reward.

    Welcome to the board.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi notsure,

    I too am sorry you need us but glad you found us. You are most definitely not alone... if you read the archives you will find many similar stories here to your own.

    Definitely don't take away the job because that is one really positive thing he is doing and taking away that will only send him further down a downward spiral. It is a good sign if he can keep a job and is at least motivated to do that.

    At this point there is not a lot you can do to make him stop doing what he is doing... I would recommend though that you get support for yourself through some therapy for you and some alanon parents meetings. Both of those helped me immensely. I don't know yet what the outcome will be for my son who is basically a mess, although at the moment is in treatment, but getting help for myself has helped me continue to move on with my life.

    You have two other kids to worry about and so you absolutely need to take care of yourself so you are not overcome by your middle sons issues leaving you no energy for your other two boys.

    Hang in there and keep posting.

  4. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Hello and welcome. This is a familiar story to many of us. The answers are all personal and the situations a bit different but I hope you find support here. I agree that going to get support for yourselves is important. I attend FA meetings. My difficult child is a pot user as well-not every day but often enough. She also suffers from mental issues, but is slick as well in counseling which she now refuses. We have tried residential programs and counseling, sports, music, medications and still things are not stable. I do know there are some teen groups with a 12 step focus out there. I don't think they work unless the user is in recovery and wants to be clean however. Have you set boundaries like no use in our home, no car until you test clean for X amount of time, no license if your grades are not good enough to get insurance discount? (These did not work for us-but may for some)
    The job is good but how long will it last if he moves on to other drugs? Not all kids do, but if addiction is in the family chances are pretty good he will. Is he doing bad at school because of work and not getting things done? How does he get to work? If you drive him could you use that as a consequence-i.e.-no ride if you're high or something like that?

    Kids grow up and despite our best job at raising and loving them, they make decisions on their impared adolescent brains which we have no control over-none. We are not to blame most of the time. Some of these decisions cause emotional trauma and some cause school and home problems. Some kids can turn themselves round right and some lack the resilience to get on their feet in a healthy way-thus the self medication with pot. Maybe school is hard for him and he just feels like a failure??? Is he getting any help? Pot causes apathy by the way-which came firt?
    The drinking is really scary-it is addicting in every way. Some kids have benefitted from Residential Treatment Center (RTC) programs. (ours is worse but that has to do with her mental health issues).

    Take care of you so you can care for your family. Keep us posted.
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    Hello and welcome.

    I also wouldn't take away his job. At least that is a responsibility he is keeping.

    I would, however, have a conversation with him about random drug testing and how many employers do this and if he's caught with pot in his system he'll be immediately fired.
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome! I'm sorry to hear about your son's drug use. I would suggest that you try to get him into therapy or rehab while he is still young. Once he turns 18, you won't have any leverage.

    We waited too long with our daughter and now regret it. I wish we had taken action when she was 16. At that time, we thought we were dealing with normal teenage rebellion and that it would go away. Ten years later, we are still dealing with her substance abuse and mental health issues.

    Keep posting. This site is a wonderful place for advice and support.

  7. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Welcome to this community! You will find many people here who truly understand your problems, and will offer you support and advice.

    I agree with Kathy, that it will help your son if you can get him into a rehab program. You can call a behavioral health hospital in your area to find a place that offers a program for teen substance abuse. I'm sure that your son will not want to go to rehab, but he is not an adult yet and so you have the final say on any health decisions that concern him. It is vitally important to get help for him now, before he turns 18 and is considered an adult. It sounds like your son is very good at telling counselors what they want to hear from him. If he is accepted into a residential drug program the counselors will know when he is not being honest and they will confront him about that. Rehab might be the best way that he can get help for his problems before they become much worse.

    I hope that you can find some help for yourself also, because I know how stressful it is to have an addicted teen. Please take care of yourself, and keep posting here. HUGS...
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter held a job while she was doing meth and used the money for clothes and drugs. At least, even while high, she was off the streets (by the way, we thought it was only pot too...don't take anything for granted).

    As for th e car, I wouldn't let him get a license until he is clean. My daughter got into three accidents while intoxicated. The last one was so severe that she was sued for $15,000, which s he was still paying off even after she quit using drugs. Even pot and driving is dangerous and it is rather in my opinion unlikely that other substances are not the very least alcohol, but pot is a gateway drug.

    I also wouldn't blame yourself for his choices. Kids grow older and their peers often become the ones they follow the most. Do what you can to get him help. I don't think, however, that unless it is court ordered you can force him into a rehab at his age. I'm really sorry you are going through this. Be sure to take care of yourself and not get lost in his problems to the point where you ignore the good things and people in your life.
  9. notsureeither

    notsureeither New Member

    I cannot thank you all enough for your words of support. So needed right now. As I typed this, my son had a meltdown because we wouldn't drive him 30 minutes away to a party at 9pm. He knew he had to be home at 11pm, but he took a golf club to the wall again. My husband and I are at our wits end. I thought we had a good week and now he worked today at his PT job and is back to bad behavior again. He actually went to Saturday detention at his high school willingly this am. I feel like he is holding us emotional hostages. He used profanity tonight towards all of us here. What am I not doing?
  10. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Notsureeither, I remember a fairly recent thread on this SA Forum from a poster named Enzo. You should look it up. He was in a similar situation, and if I'm correct, he sent his son to either wilderness camp or to a residential treatment facility. Things escalate fairly quickly, and when anyone in your home takes a golf club to the wall, that is simply not to be tolerated. He IS holding you all hostage...both emotionally and physically. Since he is a minor, you cannot just throw him out, of course, nor would you want to - you want him well adjusted and off drugs I assume. Is a part-time job worth all of you in your home being abused by a 16 y/o? No amount of rational pleading will help, and he's clearly not interested in therapy. His hand has to be dealt, and you and husband are the ones in charge. I'm so very sorry you and your family are going through this right now.
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    This is way beyond what you are doing or not doing, dont you think? He clearly has problems. When he does damage to your walls does he have to pay to repair them, or do the repair work? I know it wont change things, but am just wondering what you do about that. It does let them know that they can't just do that kind of stuff without consequences. My son has made a hole in a wall years ago and he also has broken a door. He has had to give me things he valued (I told him I had to sell them to get money to fix things, but of course his stuff wasn't worth anything except to him).

    I am sorry he is raging so much. If he is using, there is no way to know when something is hitting or wearing off and if he has any kind of mental health issue going on, how that is being affected and his need for helpful medication is all muddied up with the drug use. It does hold you hostage, and it is hard not to feel resentful and angry. I am sorry you are having to go through this.

    I hope today brings you at least one day of rest.....hugs, Dee
  12. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    This is not what you and husband are doing. There is rage going on. That is drugs or mental health issues. Pot would not usually cause this kind of rage. Some how you have got to get some gelp. Did you call the police when hye took the club to your wall? Sometimes this is the path to help. He has no right doing what he is doing and he is not doing himself any good either. This sounds bigger than you can go alone. ((Hugs))
  13. notsureeither

    notsureeither New Member

    Happy Mother's Days to all you parents! My two older kids could care less about Mother's Day, but atleast I hope the younger kid is bringing me coffee soon!! My son is going to pay to have the walls repaired. I am not going to get them repaired until he settles down. When these two holes get repaired, its going to cost HIM $$. I am in a emotional tug of war with him right now. The local high school here in town has a severe problem with drugs. He doesn't go to this high school. He goes to a high school that I have chosen for me because its stricter. For me, this is non negotiable, but he is fighting me tooth and nail. He loves a certain sport, but had problems with the HS coach because of not being placed on varsity due to attitude. My son blames everyone else; teachers, coaches, parents. Its every else's fault. He won't try in high school even though he tests high and if he studies, he does get good grades. So the only thing I can use as a carrot for him is work and his driver's license. However, if I take his work away then I know he will get into trouble over the summer. I have called the police twice a few months ago because he wouldn't listen, trying to scare him. They talked to him, that's all. I guess I'm afraid that if I call the police, he WILL go to jail and this will get the ball rolling.
  14. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    There is a thing that the court can issue for a minor called a CHINS. They sign a contract with the juvinelle courts that they will not cause any harm, use profanity.....or else. I would have called the police instantly. You are putting your family in danger the longer you let this go on and it will get worse. You still can call the police, show them what your son did, take him down to court, have them do a CHINS and have the police scare him to death. Been there, done that. Knowing I will call the police if my son ever threatens me, takes our car without permission, lays a hand on either one of us.....his choice to behave that way, your choice to protect yourself and set him straight. I would probably look into what your insurance will cover for in patient treatment and drive him over there. The police may help you with that one as well. This is serious. Act now.
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh your situation brings back many bad memories... the holes in the walls, the threats, the tantrums, the just general bad behavior. You are being held emotionally hostage and that is not good for any of you. As long as he can keep getting away with treat you that way he will treat you that way. It does sound like he has a real drug problem. So yes in this situation it makes sense to call the police. I know how hard it is to call the police on your child... it is so heartbreaking... but you need to protect yourself and your property. And the truth is sometimes calling the police can be the wake up call difficult children need... and sometimes the courts can be the way to get help. You can't go on living like this.

  16. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Taking a golf club to the wall is domestic violence. That should've resulted in a phone call to the local police department.
    in my opinion, your son sounds like he may have expanded his drug use into something more than pot, especially since there
    is a major drug problem at one of the local high schools.

    His violence, his attitude, his disinterest in school, his disinterest in a sport he used to love, blaming everybody else, many red flags here. Please consider the fact that he may be using
    something else. I wouldn't let him have a drivers license, no way with this behavior. And if his violent behavior lands him in juvy so be it, he needs to be stopped now before he
    gets much older and much worse. It is a very hard road to follow, it opens the door to probation, probation violation, lawyers etc.

    You don't want him taking that golf club to you one day in a violent drug rage. And it does happen. He also may be smoking K2 spice which is sold in gas stations and such, this can make them violent with bad behavior. It is very dangerous.

    I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but this type of behavior is very serious and should be treated as such. If you read my signature you will see that I lost my precious son 6 years ago. Alex died from a drug overdose, I didn't realize his drug used turned into a serious drug habit, but I did know his behavior dive bombed.

    I'm sorry you have to be here, but you are in the right place. The parents here have dealt with it all and are the real experts in the field. Keep posting and I know you will receive the help and guidance that will help you through.