New to forum

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by maeh2014, Dec 26, 2013.

  1. maeh2014

    maeh2014 New Member

    Good morning...I am new to this. All of it.
    At a glance, it appears most of these threads are related to parents of addicts.
    I am not a parent of an addict, but I just spent the last 4 years of my life with one.
    I guess he was either really good at hiding it, or I am just really naive.
    I am walking away from him. He is calling and emailing, threatening suicide. I am not responding to his pleas.
    I have a 5 yr old son, and don't plan on raising him with a drug addict hanging on by a thread.
    The ex is facing jail time tomorrow for violating his probation.
    I feel really stupid, but also violated.
    Just having people to talk to would help immensely.
    Thanks for reading...
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you are making a good decision for you and your son. Please be safe.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    You are definitely welcome to share here. It sounds like a tough situation and that you are doing the right thing. I suggest you also find a good support group for yourself in real life because that can make a huge difference. I have found alanon really helpful and others here have found other groups.... a lot of people have dealt with a loved with with addiction problems and it ihelps fo find support and ways to take care of you!


    Sent from my iPad using ConductDisorders
  4. maeh2014

    maeh2014 New Member

    I just don't understand the illness, I guess.
    I feel really confused. I basically spent the last 4 years with a stranger.
    There were signs, and even an incident last year, so I wasn't completely blind to it. I was, however, blind to the drugs capabilities.
    He told me he got addicted to heroin last year, but he detoxed himself, and got clean. We weren't together at the time, so I didn't witness any of it.
    Come to find out at the beginning of this week, that he has given two "dirty" urine samples to probation, and is now facing jail time.
    Feels like someone slapped me in the face.
    But, I I a bad person for refusing to help him?
    I think I know the answer...but,'s helpful to talk to people who are experiencing similar situations.

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
  5. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Welcome glad you found us but sorry you needed to. I usually post on other forums here and just lurk on SA, none of my kids have substance abuse problems but I was (am) a coke addict don't let the 20 years clean fool you because I had 8 years clean before that slip up so I am an addict for life.

    One of my best friends was a Heroin addict, and I can honestly say if you continue contact it's gonna bring you nothing but heartache. I don't think my friend is any longer alive she disappeared off my radar a few years back when many died mixing pain patch medication with- heroin in this area. Can't find her in any obituary/ correctional/ hospital/ news searches done even had a buddy at the IRS run her SS# - poof disappeared who knows where her remains are at.

    Back when I had contact with her it was more then just my 7yo walking out of bathroom holding a set of works that fell out of her pocket, locking up the valuables, gas stove on but not lit, her torching my couch falling asleep with cigarettes, blowing fuses throwing toaster she caught on fire into water.

    I piled her into my van when she OD'd took her to the ER they saved her life, next day up on the psychiatric floor 4 point restraints, wearing a diaper cursing me out for bringing her to hospital - her lips were blue and she was non responsive had done 8 packs of heroin, 12 vicodin, some selma's, valiume, zanax & tylenol 3s & 4s(some ='s handful of each)insisted wasn't trying to kill herself just trying to get really high (yah right)

    The only hope for your X-SO in my opinion is if he got prison time at least 2 years lock down and got clean while in then came out determined to stay clean. If you continue to have contact with him you shouldn't allow any contact with your child or the house where your kid is sleeping; please don't expose your child to what I posted above, addicts are toxic.

    Sorry if this got too long and I'll climb down off my soap box now, on the parent emeritus forum at the top recovering enabler has a post about detachment I suggest you read it. I printed it and posted it on the refrigerator so the kids could figure out what was going on with mom's reverse slam attitude with dealing with their drama.

    Again glad you found us, I think you know what need to do for your child but it really helps hearing from others who have dealt with this stuff.

    Your not alone... Nancy
  6. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am so sorry you had to find us - but glad you did.

    Yes, this is a place for parents. Because as parents we have unique relationships with our kids - in that it is really almost impossible to give up and walk away from one's own child; it's absolutely unthinkable to do so - and I am sure you understand that as a parent yourself. As parents, we all struggle with the idea that we are the people who are supposed to reach out to our kids and help them no matter what and never give up. And we struggle mightily because addicts are skilled liars, they use us, they hurt us over and over again and yet, we are morally aghast at the idea of choosing our own preservation over trying to save our adult "child" - who by the way, doesn't really want our help until we are the very last resort for them. And even then, they often turn on or away from us, once their crisis has passed.

    You, my dear, are not your SO's mother. You are not a bad person for refusing to help him. No way, no how. He lied to you and now he is trying to emotionally manipulate you. You need to think about self preservation and your own child. Run, do not walk away from this man. Choose yourself and don't look back.

    The moral dilemma I wrote about above exists only in our own head. And I think we eventually learn - after struggling often-that detaching ourselves from our beloved children who are addicts is the BEST thing from them and for us. If we can do it, so can you. It IS the best thing for yourself and your son. You can't have a relationship built upon lies. Do not look back, do not beat yourself up for not helping him or for falling for his lies. It's OK to choose yourself. In fact, you must. It's the best thing for ALL of you. Good luck, god bless.
  7. maeh2014

    maeh2014 New Member

    Wow. I am overwhelmed with the amount of support I am receiving from complete strangers.
    He is manipulating. Worse than that, he's got me scared to be in my own home.
    I joke and say that heroin users are too lazy to do anything, but he's suicidal, and has nothing to live except his high. It's another world to me, as I've never been exposed to a user before.
    Please pray hard that the court makes the right decision tomorrow, and puts him behind bars.
    I am in no way interested in trying to "help" him, as I realize that I simply cannot. He is his own demon.
    I just really needed to hear from people who get it.
    To all you parents out there who are dealing with addicted children, my heart aches for your families. I can't even fathom the nightmare.

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have experience both with a child and a parent who was an addict. You cannot help someone who doesn't want help. Run as far and fast as you can from this relationship. You are so right to get your child away from this. Of course he will threaten suicide, he needs to you enable him. We here understand that it is often necessary and life saving to walk away.

    I am very proud of you for making this difficult decision. Do not look back.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I am glad you found us...we are a 24/7 place to vent and you know we "get it."

    Have you ever gone to Al-Anon? I apologize if you have been there and it has no helped. Do YOU have a therapist to help you take good care of YOU?
  10. maeh2014

    maeh2014 New Member

    No, I haven't gone to any meetings yet, but I plan to.
    Now I start my recovery.
    I had serious trust issues before any of this happened. Those have just been magnified.
    I need to figure out the best way to heal, and establish inner peace and closure with the situation. As we're all aware, there is no closure with the addict. You have to turn your back, and run.
    It's so unsettling.
    And he claims, "all i want is closure."
    No. What you want, is me in your grip.
    I have also found another forum that's not geared towards parents, but this group is much more responsive.
    I truly appreciate each one of you that has taken the time to read/respond.
    Every little bit helps me move one step closer to far, far away.

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How's this for have a substance abuse problem and need help, I cannot do it for you, you have to do this on your own. I wish you well but now for me I need to move on. Period!

    While many of us here are parents of addicts, there are some who also have spouses or significant others. I belong to a family support group that has both parents and spouses and we have found that the issues are very similar. I understand spouses/significant others have different concerns than parents but in the end it is all the same, we love an addict and that often means we have to detach from them and in some cases completely separate from them. As parents we will always be connected to our addict but as a spouse or sig other it is important that you leave and find your own peace and create a happy life for yourself.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im so sorry that you are having this happen in your life. Basically addicts are addicts and if you continue to be there to provide anything for them, things remain the same. I hope you can remain strong in your decisions. I would try to find a good therapist and see if you have any NarAnon groups near you.
  13. maeh2014

    maeh2014 New Member

    Here's the update on the ex.
    His court date got rescheduled until this Friday.
    He continues to email me, and with it being NYE, I'm growing concerned he might do something stupid like show up at the party I'm going to be at. Unfortunately, he knows about it because as of two months ago, he was invited. This was before we found out he was using.
    Should I contact his probation officer, or stay the hell away from his legal troubles? He is so delusional! I HATE THIS DRUG!
    He continues to pretend like I'm going through a phase, and that we just need to end this like adults. I ended it a month ago. It's game over for you, buddy.

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    maeh2014, While I joined this group because of my son, I have some idea of what you are going through. My son's biodad was my first husband - and an alcoholic. We were together only a short time, met and married within 6 months and broke up about a year and a half later. In fact, at that point, being tired of doing all the work, earning all the money, and him drinking up the rent, he actually left me for someone else who wouldn't gripe at him about getting a job, and he still wouldn't leave me alone. At one point he did show up at a church fair I was attending, then later at my house. He said he wanted me back. I said, "I will never take you back. If you were the last man on earth, if the world itself comes to an end, if the sun turns to ice and falls from the sky, I wil never take you back. Never. Never, never, ever!"

    He looked at me and said, "So you're saying I'll never get you back?"

    And he was just a drinker. I can't imagine the mind-set of someone doing heroin. I assume that he is not the father of your child? If not, and he has no rights, then you really must run, not walk, away from him. Personally, I would stay out of his legal problems, unless it is necessary to call the police to get him to leave you alone. If you are afraid he'll do something to you, get a restraining order! The police won't generally do much without one. If he shows up at the party, make sure you aren't alone with him. Hide if you can until he goes away. At least, that's what I'd do.

    If he is the father of your child, get a custody order restricting his rights. Don't wait on that. Without an order stating what parent has custody, either parent can take the child, at least in my state. Don't take his calls, don't respond to his emails with the possible exception of telling him you will no longer respond to his email. He may tell you he will kill himself. That's a manipulation to get you back. In fact, at some point, he may actually do it. But please know that if that happens, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You can't fix him. You can't help him. You must think of the good of your child and yourself first over someone who has made bad choices and put themselves in this position.

    I found it difficult to distance myself from my ex; I'm having a harder time with my son.
  15. maeh2014

    maeh2014 New Member

    He's a drinker in addition to whatever else he's putting in his body. Alcoholic, for sure.
    He is NOT the father of my child.
    I am so glad for that!!!!!
    Thank you for your advice. I do appreciate it. I sent him an email letting him if he contacted me one more time, I would go to the police.
    I hope that your situation with your child turns around. It's such a hopeless feeling, I'm sure. But, then again, I have no idea. It's just too awful to think about it. My heart goes out to all you mothers and fathers dealing with addiction.

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    maeh you were right to tell him not to contact you again ever and if he did you would go to the police. Have that letter so you can show it to the police if he shows up or contacts you. Get a restraining order if he does contact you. You know that the most dangerous time in a breakup is wen you leave and he realizes he can't get you back. Do whatever is necessary to protect yourself. If he shows up at the party you either need to leave without him knowing and if you can't call the police and ask them to escort you out.

    I don't want to be melodramatic but he does not sound stable. Please be safe.
  17. Huff

    Huff Member

    I am sorry that you have found us but so glad your here. In one of your post you said you were scared to be at home with difficult child. I have been in your shoes with a 26 year old gig. My circumstances are different and have changed. But like you I come here to just lend an ear and lean on my friends here for a few moments when I can. You are not alone I thought I was till I found this site.
  18. maeh2014

    maeh2014 New Member

    He was sentenced this morning. 6 months in county.
    Onward and upward with my life.
    I am relieved.

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders