New to this. Grown Child homeless and messing up big time.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Miss Tired of being tired, Nov 17, 2015.

  1. Hello All,
    I am new here and I am wore out and frustrated. I do not know what to do.
    My Son is 27 has two kids and Blames everybody else for his poor choices.
    @ 2:30 am I got a PM from him saying I love you Im homeless.
    What do I do with that?
    I am lost.
    The only help he seems to want from me is Money that is it.
    I need 20 dollars for this or this guy said I can stay the week for 50 dollars. Im in jail for failure to pay child support Please bail me out.Or I will call and make you cry and I will beg you and make promises of repayment that will never come. I am blind and I do not have money but have taken out a loan to get him outta jail which I had to pay back. I asked my Mother to let him stay at her house and she did only to have him get ahold of her credit card and charge things on it So now I feel I need to pay her back for that.
    But it is always my fault always. I do not know if i am making any since because I do not sleep for more than a few hours a night for fear of the phone ringing at 2am even though he knows I do not live by myself and have told him often please do not call me after 11 pm.
    What do I do? I am engaged to a wonderful man who I have to say has been really understanding for the most part. He is not a fan of my oldest child right now and I can not really blame him.
    He wants me to start saying NO it is so much easier said then done.
    I just want peace I want my child to be ok.
    Thanks for listening to a very wore out MOM.
    Miss Tired of being tired:frown:

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  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Welcome Miss Tired. I'm so sorry you find yourself needing to join us.

    First, there is a link to an article about detachment at the top of the main forum page. It's very helpful and I think everyone needs to read it. I know how difficult it is when you want to help your child. All any of us want is what you want - for our children to be okay and our lives to be peaceful. The simple answer is to do as your fiancé asks...say no. Simple, but so hard. I think when they call crying about how they are on the streets, there's nothing you want more than to fix it.

    We put our son out for stealing from us. There was much that led up to it, but that was the last straw. He was only 19. He stayed in a shelter for a while. We helped him get an apartment - warned him if he screwed us over we wouldn't do it again - and he did. We paid the rent for the whole 5 months of the lease as he promptly quit his job. :( Then he was couch surfing for a bit, tried relatives, failed. He's now back in town and paying rent to friends of his, but looking for his own place. Even after his taking advantage, every fiber of me wants to help him. Money is one thing I haven't given, except $5 so he could buy cheap food at his job when he first got it. Working fast food but being unable to even buy a taco at half-price seemed cruel to me.

    I would turn the ringer off on your phone when you go to bed. No 2 a.m. phone calls. I'd tell him you're doing it and then DO IT. Don't let him deprive you and your fiancé of a nights sleep. You have to at least think of your own health. Our cell phones are left in the kitchen and we don't have a phone in our bedroom at all for just that reason. We feel a true emergency would have the police ringing the doorbell. Anything else can wait until we get up.

    I'm sure more people will be here to weigh in. Again, welcome. You are not alone.
  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Miss Tired,
    So sorry for your heartache, you have landed in a good place here, lots of us, including me have been right where you are.

    First of all, dear it is very tough to have to hear what you have heard from your son, or read the texts. Especially with no sleep. You can start by turning off your phone at night. I do not think it is unreasonable for your son to respect your need for sleep.
    That is where it starts, Miss Tired, by setting boundaries, sticking to them and expecting respect from our d c's.
    Your son has already shown you, through his actions what he feels his end of the deal is. You give, he takes.

    At 27, he should be more than capable of caring for himself.

    Stealing grandmas credit card is an extremely low blow. Ouch.

    The more we give, the more addictive adult children take. It can be a never ending dance and we are the only ones who can stop it. The music will not stop, the whining, the insults, the pleading, and blaming. It is a cruel game to keep us enabling, giving beyond our resources. This music is never ending as long as our d c's are actively using. So, we must change the channel. Stop listening to the music, stop dancing the dance and change the channel.

    It is hard, but necessary for your life and your sons. Do not let him draw you in Miss Tired. Stand firm and strengthen yourself with knowing that you cannot help him. He must help himself, he must want help.
    No money, food, time of yours can help him.

    We fall into the trap of worrying, and d c's play us with it. They play us with guilt, they play us with whatever it takes to keep us shelling out funds, or housing, or food. What we don't realize is by helping, we have helped them stay in the game of drug use.

    If you can shift your focus to that understanding, that helping doesn't help, that is the foundation to taking steps to change your response.

    One day, one step at a time. Keep posting here, it is very helpful. Others will come along.
    Taking care of yourself is most important. Please get some rest, turn off your phone at night.

    Peace to you
  4. Thank you Lil,
    I have got to learn that it is ok for me to be happy.
    But sometimes it feels like it's not.
    I wish I knew why when things go south for him he wants to make it my fault?
    I wake up every night haven't slept more then a few hours for months.
    Thank you for telling me your story It is really hard when you think you are alone.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    We've been there. I ran on four hours a night for several years.
    The body can only take so much. What kinds of things do you do before bedtime to help with sleep? Here's some that help me:
    - NO screen time (computer, cell phone, TV, any technology) within 90 minutes of bedtime.
    - cool house for night (we have programmable thermostat)
    - take a nice long bubble bath (or steam shower if you have that)
    - have a very small snack - such as a bit of yogurt, a cup of "angel tea", warm (or cold) milk, a small bowl of cereal
    - sometimes helps to have a white noise machine, or a continuous-play CD of the ocean or that type of relaxing sound
    - make sure you have a really good pillow, and the right combination of blankets
    - I find it helps to keep paper and a pencil by the bed, and a night light with a SEVEN-watt bulb (or less... like a night-light) - just enough light to see to write. Then when I wake up thinking about things that need to be done... I just write them down so I don't forget. Helps in getting back to sleep.
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  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Because then it isn't his fault.

    Our son has not tried to really place blame on me or his dad, though he will do the "I'm going to be on the street because no one will help me" bit. But the rest of the world? Oh yes. Nothing that goes wrong in his life is ever his fault. His other family members kicked him out? They were wrong and unreasonable. He gets fired or quits a job? The manager hated him and treated him badly. He doesn't pay his utility bill? He had a bunch of mooching friends who ran the bill up and wouldn't give him the money for it. He got arrested for shoplifting? The other guy he was with did the actual stealing...not him.

    Mine is now working. Has grown up the tiniest bit it seems and is at least saying that he understands that you have to pay the bills and buy food for yourself first in order to survive, leaving the "toys" for when you have extra to spend. I'm back to having hope...and hoping my hope isn't misplaced.
  8. Thank you very much.
    It is 4:30 am here and I am awake which sucks but it has become a routine to me.
    I think my sons drug of choice is booze and to me that is as bad as any drug Its just legal and easy to get a hold of. It really started for him with depression and that is how he handled it and he got stuck and every thing just went to hell. Ya'll are right I have got to do something #1 for him my handouts are just that and are not helping him at all. I know in my head that he is grown. That he needs to fix him they say that people need to hit rock bottom. But damn what is rock bottom anymore? To me it would have been the first time He was put in jail for failure to pay child support? Or when he used his Grandmas credit card.
    Thank you leaf and to all of you because I can not do this on my own.
    Tired. xo
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  9. Carolita2

    Carolita2 Member

  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi Miss Tired, and welcome to the forum.

    When you're exhausted and not sleeping and in deep grief and confusion and despair over your son and his decisions, it's really hard to change the course of things.

    Can you keep it very very simple at first? Until you can start **unhooking** from him? Because that is what it is going to take, for you to get some relief and start finding some peace and contentment (and it IS Possible to find these things, even if he doesn't).

    You have gotten good advice from other Warrior Moms already.

    For starters:

    1. Like Lil said please read the detachment post on this forum. I printed it out and posted it on my bathroom mirror and I read it every single day at first. Make it your mantra.

    2. Decide to turn your phone off and put it in the other room between the hours of 9 p.m. and 6 a.m. There is just about nothing you need to know that can't wait during those hours.

    3. Do one kind thing for yourself every single day. A great thing to begin is writing a gratitude list every morning. Sit for five minutes and write down five things. Maybe it's the fact that the sun is shining, that you have enough food and shelter for the day, that you saw some flowers outside. Keep it simple but do it every single day. You will be amazed at the transformation in you.

    4. Start going to Al-anon. This is a free resource and there are meetings in virtually every community, town and city in the world (or most of the world). These people understand and they get it. They have been there too. There is a great deal of good thinking, support and compassion here. I go to one meeting a week still today and it is usually the best hour of my week.

    Here is what we have learned:

    1. If nothing changes, nothing changes. You have to be the change, because it is near 100 percent likely he is not going to change on his own without a reason.
    2. Helping doesn't help. For most of us, the more we help, the more things don't change. In my case, the more I helped, the worse it got. Finally, I was completely sick and tired and exhausted and I finally got it that I was going to have to change.
    3. Changing ourselves is extremely hard work. We will take two steps forward and one step back. Detaching with love from our precious adult children is counter-cultural. It "isn't what Moms do." It takes practice, it takes work, it takes energy and it takes a toolbox with tools that we can use every day.
    4. Our emotions are always lagging way behind our thinking and our we start the hard work of change. Don't expect to feel good about this. You won't, and that is what makes it even harder. We have to learn to unhook our emotions---which are real and true---from our actions and our behavior. Again, this takes work and it takes time.
    5. If we don't learn how to and start setting healthy boundaries with our adult children, we are literally robbing them of the chance to become an adult and live life on life's terms. I believe the highest and best love we can have for our children is letting them go (the "Perfect" children as well as the DCs). This is something I have had to learn how to do and I still mess up.

    Please know we are here for you. We can offer ideas, encouragement and support but we respect your right and your decision to do what is best for you. We can't know what that is. Only you can figure that out every day.

    But we have been right where you are, and most of us have felt exactly as you describe and have asked the same very tough questions you are asking.

    For me, I spent six very hard and long years watching my son lose his life as he knew it and continue on a very self-destructive path which included jail, multiple rounds of homelessness, many arrests, and drug addiction and alcohol addiction. For the past nearly 18 months, he has steadily been rebuilding his life, and I still have to work to stay out of the way.

    We're here for you. Warm hugs this morning.
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  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome to our little corner of the world Miss Tired.
    You have found a very good place to come for support and to just vent when you need to. You are not alone in dealing with your son, you have us now.

    It's very typical of our adult difficult children to pass blame onto anyone other than themselves. I have heard it all from my son.
    My son will be 34 in a couple of months and has two beautiful children that he abandoned. He is basically a homeless wonderer. He blames his messed up life on me, his dad, anyone really. He always affirms how is smarter than everyone yet his life continues in chaos.

    Yes, our adult difficult children are quick to take our money but never our advise on how they might manage their lives better.

    I completely understand why you would feel this way but you are not responsible. Your mom made a choice to let your son stay with her and your son made a choice to steal from her by charging things on her credit card. Does your mom expect you to reimburse her?? The debt is your sons not yours.

    Yes, it is easier said than done but, once you start it does get easier.

    We all have a desire to "help" our children but what I hope you will come to understand is sometimes helping is not helping, sometimes helping actually hurts them.
    One thing I had to start doing that really helped me was to stop seeing my son as "my little boy" but instead seeing my son as the adult man he is.

    The others have given you some very good advice.

    I do hope you will stick around, as I said before you will find wonderful support here.

    ((HUGS)) to you..........................
  12. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    I'm determined to stop helping my 23 year son but its a process. I kicked him out and we are not talking at all - but yet I got my mail last night and he had toll road violation notices totaling over $150 and I (without thinking) texted him saying "Pay your toll road tag fees or stop using the toll road! You owe $150 in violations and you are asking to get ticketed - and driving with a suspended license you are asking to get pulled over and arrested". Then right after I sent that text I got mad at myself - I have to break the response to give advice or help. That was my fault - I won't do that again. He has to suffer the consequences of his choices and if he can't pay his toll tag then he has to face the fines and possible arrest. Makes me sick how much money he has wasted on tickets, fines, attorneys fees, etc. Has has wasted $20K of his inheritance on that and still has no clue how to manage money. An inheritance he could be using for college or investing has gone up in smoke as he says "Its MY money I can do with it what I want". He had spent $300 on a glass bong he brought into my home that I found and destroyed. Warned him twice not to bring drugs or drug paraphenalia in to my home that if I found it I'd destroy it. He got mad at me for destroying that expensive glass bong...I wasted his money, etc. I mean - really? Kid has no damn brain or common sense. He is more immature at age 23 than he was at 7. Blows me away the stupidity and cluelessness my kid has shown since he started smoking pot and acting like a fool.
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  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Yes, it is a process. It's hard to not want to "correct" them when we see they are making mistakes. So you sent him a text, that's not so bad. The good thing is you did not pay for his tolls.

    The only thing I can offer you on this is when mail is delivered for him write on it "no longer at this address"
    If the mail is addressed to him it really is best to not open it and do the above. I know how tempting it is to open anything that comes for them but it's not "ours" to open. I went through this with my son and soon learned that by continuing to allow his mail to be delivered I started getting phone calls from collection agencies. I would tell them my son no longer lives here and they would reply "we show his current mailing address as............." That's when I started putting "no longer at this address".

    It was hard for me to that and it was a choice I had to make for myself.

  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Amen to that. " No longer at this address" is important, people use mail as proof of residency.
    Some State laws require an eviction process to legally remove adult children. A good thing to know. One would never imagine a loving child overstaying their welcome to this extent, but a d c in their using stage would not bat an eye.

    It is good to protect ourselves from any ensuing legalities that might arise due to our d c's drug dabbling and nefarious lifestyles.

  15. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Wow good point! I need to start doing that ASAP. I will not open anymore mail and mark it return to sender no longer at this address. He wants to keep everything a secret from me so I will not have any problem doing this. Thanks!
  16. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    I think no eviction process is needed if someone is doing something illegal or bringing anything illegal into the home. He is already out and the Sheriffs deputy who arrested him the first time lives in my neighborhood - I'm sure he would be the first to say I did the right thing in kicking him out.