Dear Colleen, I am so sorry for your hurting heart and your need to be here on CD. It is a good place for folks like us, who are dealing with this issue. We try to help one another, we are all at different stages on this journey.
It's 4am, and I am awake like most nights. My story may not sound unique but it's the last thing I imagined for my sweet, smart and kind boy. My oldest son is twenty one and I've just picked together that he is now dealing drugs. He graduated top of his class with plans to do all kinds of wonderful things...
I am thinking about this, and how doubly difficult it must be, to have your son change so much after doing so very well in high school. What a shock to your soul. I can see how this would keep you awake at night. It is definitely not the vision we have for our kids, to fall into the trap of drugs...unfortunately, it happens to the best families, the best kids.
Fast forward three years and he has quit university three times. It's been a rough road with a time in there we now know he was dealing with addiction.
So, you must be figuring, as it seems to me, that drugs were the issue with his quitting university. I am sorry for the pain of it Colleen. I can imagine it has been a rough three years for your family.
None of this makes sense to me. We have given our son so much, and he has always been kind and respectful.
It does not make sense to any of us.
We cannot imagine the changes to our kids, what has happened, when they go down this road. There is a reason our kids change and the cold, hard fact of it is that drugs do things to people,
drugs change people. This does not mean that this is your sons choice forever, Colleen, but it is
now, and that makes all of the difference in the world.
I work as a school guidance counsellor and part time at a youth shelter, so I see the destruction first hand of drugs.
It is hard, this is your profession, working with kids, and then volunteering at a youth shelter, harder still, for you. Me, too, Colleen, I work as a health aide, and I volunteer coaching kids, part of the reason for my community service is to offer kids an alternative to the street life,
and I have two out there using...... So, this hits hard, when it hits home, that is for sure. I know the pain of it. Upper, middle, lower class does not matter, this thing has no boundaries. Smart, average, challenged kids, no boundaries.
I am not the same happy person I used to be. I am avoiding friends and social events.
I understand this, plus the not sleeping. It is entirely shocking and a
rock your whole world tragedy, when our kids choose this path. It is hard to get up in the morning, put on the happy face, and go to work and function, none the less, go to parties,
be in a holiday spirit.
I do know how this feels.
It is a roller coaster ride that none of us bought a ticket for.
A nightmare.
So, we have to feel what we feel, and get it out.....
We have value and meaning to our lives, and we need to live our lives.
We need to sleep, and take very, very good care of ourselves.
It is a mountain, steep and sad and scary.
One step at a time, one day at a time, we need to zig zag our way across the mountain, like skiers. Not straight down the mountain, across the mountain.
It is a grieving process we go through, all of the steps of grieving loss,
but our children are still here, they are not gone.
They are on a different path.
One that we never imagined for them, but they are on it.
Now, what do we do?
We mourn. Definitely mourn.
Then we get on with our lives, as best we can.
There is you, your husband, and your young son.
You have much to live for.
It is a retraining of our minds, and our focus.
It is an understanding that our kids have chosen a path,
that is unacceptable to bring into our home.
I'm scared for my husband who is ready to kick our son out.
Your husband is seeing things clearly. This is a good thing. Most of us have learned, that our kids do not change in our homes, in fact, they get worse. When our kids are using while in our homes,
they start to use us. They use our hearts, manipulate and lie,
to continue their lifestyle.
We are easy targets for them.
We think we are helping them, when in reality, we are helping them continue as is.
Then, it becomes even harder, because the activity, the degradation,
the danger associated with the drug world is in our house.
This is what happened to my family, as we struggled with this with our daughters, in and out of our home.
I thought we were helping, at first, it seemed there was a change, then it gradually became worse.
If he leaves he will be a drug dealer for sure.
If he stays.....wait.....
My oldest son is twenty one and I've just picked together that he is now dealing drugs.
So he is dealing already........this is unacceptable in your home. The drug dealing world is not a pretty thing.
We came home after work to find some pretty shady looking characters in our back yard,
my daughters street friends, she thought nothing of bringing them to our home, all we can think is
"These people know where we live......."
GULP.....
How do I kick out my own son. I just don't know if I can do it. But I know I have to. I'm beyond heartbroken.
It is hard when heart and head wrestle with this. It is good that you know what has to be done. But Colleen,
you are not kicking him out, you are giving him his wings. You are a counsellor, I am very sure you have given him rules and boundaries. If he is not willing to follow those rules, then
he is choosing to not live in your home. You are not kicking him out,
he is making a choice.
Your son is young, he is on this path that you would never in a million years imagine for him.
It is a shock.
But, if he is in your home, his choice will be there, every single day, in your face.
By letting him go, you are telling him through your actions, that you love him, but his current lifestyle is unacceptable in your home.
Here is an article on loving detachment, I read it over and over
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/
You have given your son the best of everything, all the best tools to succeed.
He has capacity to live his life, he is on this path,
but he can change Colleen.
Have faith, there are stories all throughout this site of d cs changing after a time.
Our kids need to go out there and figure out their lives.
They do not do this in our homes.
They continue on this awful path, and drag us down with them.
We do not have to go down with them.
Many of our CD friends will tell you this.
We are not meant to go down with them.
So, be very kind to yourself. If you are feeling too depressed, for too long, please seek help Colleen. All of us need guidance and help, one time or another. I went to see a therapist, my head was just so spun around by all of this...I am sure you know of the 12 step programs. Al anon, etc. Reading helps, posting here helps.
We all learn from one another through our stories.
Thank you for being so heartfelt and honest, writing your story.
Others will come along and share, I would think it may be a bit slow today, because of the holidays,
but they will post.
You are not alone, we are here, too and
we care.
We are here, because we are going through a similar journey....
Please take care....
(((HUGS)))
leafy