No where to vent in real life

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Frankie2, May 22, 2018.

  1. Frankie2

    Frankie2 New Member

    I searched, "adult child who steals from me" and this is where I ended up. My adult daughter, who has 2 young children and is pregnant again, stole my shoes. A pair of raggedy old shoes...but yet, shoes that help me with my aches, pains, and WALKING. I am mind blown, yet not surprised. I won't even begin with the history or obvious diagnoses. The lack of care or concern or empathy is so hard to deal with when I am the complete opposite, and which also makes me a target. I am trying to confront her about the act, yet she is ignoring calls. My grandchild, who spends a lot of time with me, is witnessing and experiencing the behaviors. I thought that there had been improvements, but I should have known otherwise, or at least I should have been more aware. Since this was a predictable event, I now expect the gaslighting to occur. I am grateful it was not a credit card or something valuable, but the betrayal, hurt, and anger are probably the same, but not as intense. I awoke at 4am crying. I am tired. I don't want to live out the rest of my life experiencing this...crap.
     
  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    You're in the right place. Welcome. If you are using your real name or a nickname that would be recognized by someone in real life, please PM Runaway Bunny for help changing your username to something 100% anonymous. This is a public forum and non-registered persons can view our posts.

    It sounds like it's time for you to put your foot down and stop allowing her to disrespect you. This is often much harder than it seems. Al-Anon has helped me detach and set boundaries from toxic family situations. If you have not checked it out I encourage you to do so....if you have, and it's not really for you, that's OK too, there are many paths and each of us has to find our own way.

    Does she live with you? Does she have legal custody of her children?

    Keep posting, we are here and we understand as others cannot.
     
  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello Frankie and welcome. I am so sorry for your need to be here.
    I have experienced theft by my two, due to drug addiction. Things went missing, cash from our wallets, other stuff, a few pieces of heirloom jewelry, that’s what hurt the most. They were treasured items from my Nana.
    I too, have grandkids in the mix of all of this, which makes it infinitely more difficult, because they are innocents, caught up in the craziness of it all.
    Whether it be drug use, or mental health issues, there is no excuse for abusing ones parent.
    Of course, my two, would never admit to the theft. There is a lack of conscience here, the ability to commit such acts against family members without thought or regret, and have continued expectations of some sort of relationship. Looking back, I feel that it is all designed to keep our heads spinning, stomachs churning, emotions broiling, to the point where we are reduced to someone who can’t think for ourselves because we are so caught up in the turmoil. I call it the swirly whirly. It’s a zombie like state where we are subsisting from one drama to the next, not knowing which way to turn, or what to do.
    One can lose ones sense of self along the way. Drifting from the hurt of it, to anger, to reconciliation, for “families” sake. This was how we lived for a few years trying to “rescue” our own adult children, especially the grandchildren, which in our case, were dangled before us like pawns, or ripped away when the betrayal of their parents to chaotic lack of behavioral values and standards forced us to make them leave.
    We wouldn’t hear from them in months.
    I understand how you feel, and it is no way for a grandmother, or anyone to live.
    There is a way to take your life back from all of this. First, regaining your sense of self and making strides towards strengthening yourself is so important. This comes from within you.
    It is not dependent on anyone else changing, but you.
    It is because our daughters are adults and will do as they please. That includes how they treat us, and what they expect from us.
    If we are not treated properly, with respect, then we have to show them how we expect to be treated.
    We are not rugs to be tread upon, abused and used.
    I don’t think your daughter will admit to taking your shoes. Mine would blame their theft on their younger siblings, or say that we must have misplaced things, like we were old, befuddled fools.
    Huh.
    We weren’t. We were parents caught up in the muck and mire of adult children’s choices and reaping every bit of their consequences.
    It is hard.
    There was no use in trying to figure out why, or even trying to fix it, it wasn’t ours to fix.
    There are folks here, like myself, who understand the grief of this, Frankie. No one can tell you what to do, we are not experts or counselors, just folks who have walked similar paths on the journey. We are here to offer our own experiences, a bit of advice, but most of all the comfort in knowing there are folks who understand.
    I can tell you that the best thing that you can do is to feel all of the feelings that you need to and get it out. It is a sort of grieving we go through, reeling the tapes of our beloveds childhood, trying to figure out where we went “wrong”, lamenting the choices and ill behaviors. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. My two latched on to my mistakes and blamed their choices on me. I fell into that trap for a time, wishing I had done better, until I realized it was not my burden to bare.
    The fact is, they are not little children anymore, they are adults. Adults making choices.
    The paths they choose are their own.
    There is not much we can do to change that.
    But, we can change ourselves. We can change how we react, what path we take.
    It happens one day at a time, with baby steps.
    Knowing that we matter (and you do matter) is tantamount to pulling up and out of the swamp of emotion that engulfs us. Finding ways to strengthen yourself, attending meetings, journaling, reading, posting here, helps.
    It helps to know we are not alone. (Though I would not wish this on anyone.)
    I am sorry for your aching mamas and grandmas heart. I know how much it all hurts. No one deserves to be mistreated, disrespected and gaslighted. Especially by our own adult children. Please know that you are not the only one going through this. You are not alone, nor do you deserve to be mistreated.
    You matter, your peace and joy matters.
    Find ways to grab your life and strength back.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
    You are now in the company of some very wonderful people who care and know the hardship.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy