silverlilly1
New Member
My sister has been staying with my family this summer. She is paying enough money to cover the food we buy for her, and the incremental increase in utilities as her rent. She is also in charge of doing one daily chore, and babysitting once per week. I have a young child of my own, but my sister is just old enough to not be a teenager anymore, and I am 10 years older than she is. Traditionally, I was her babysitter growing up.My sister has had some struggles with depression. I am unsure if this is affecting her behaviour now, but it certainly seems like a possibility. Like all sufferers of depression, she has tried a few medications and not found what she wanted. She came off the last one about a month before coming to visit us, and has no intention of trying to get a new one, from the sound of it. We also grew up with an abusive mother. Verbally, emotionally, and physically; enough to have had both of us removed from the home if anyone had known the extent. She is not affectionate or "motherly." She has no mental filter to filter out comments which most people would find inappropriate, and thus has few friends and struggles at work. Our mother cannot accept responsibility and puts the blame on everyone else's shoulders. For these reasons, my mother is not a part of my and my immediate family's lives. My mother was also absent from my sister's life in her teenaged years, even though they lived together. Her father was not abusive, but is pretty absent himself, unless you go to him. He slid by in the military by keeping his mouth shut at work and being rebellious in his head.
I have struggled myself since moving out of the house as a teenager with trying to adjust to the real world. I spent my entire teenage years debating with my mother. I have had to learn how to be affectionate, for which I have had help from my husband whom I have known for almost half my life now. I have had to learn how to put those filters back onto my speech - I still have difficulty with this. I have had to learn how to be a mother in a loving way rather than repeat the behaviours my mother "shared" with me. I have learned that responsibility doesn't just mean looking after yourself and taking the blame when things are your fault - it also means looking after others, being respectful of others' needs, and figuring out how you can try to prevent situations from recurring, even when you don't believe them to be your fault. I still struggle with these things, but have made a lot of progress over the years.
My sister took the attitude of keeping quiet and keeping secrets to avoid incurring our mother's wrath. Now, having her here, she started out talkative, but has progressed to spending a lot of time in her room. She is defensive whenever we try to talk to her (ie. "Did you have a good evening?"). She has chosen to change her major in university, and was very very stressed and angry around the time she was registering for her new courses. She has found a "not my boyfriend" and invites him over to spend time in her room and have sex. He seems like a reasonably nice guy. Our rules are that he doesn't come over when we're not here, doesn't stay overnight, and she tells us before he comes over so that we and our house can be presentable. She respects most of that, but about half the time doesn't give us adequate or clear notice. If we ask her to help with anything, she gives us attitude. She does not talk with us much at all. If she sees us struggling to do something, she does not offer to help. If she wants to come with us to go out, we must then wait 10-15 minutes for her to apply makeup and get ready before she can be seen in public, regardless of the time of day. She told us when she arrived that she has her own bathroom at uni, and thus when she gets ready here she enters and exits the shared bathroom about 6 times, making it very difficult for the rest of the family to get ready.
When she moved here, we offered to bring her on vacation with us. We would pay for her breakfast and lunch, and take her with us; she would pay her gate fee, her suppertime meal plan, and babysit for us 10-12 hours over the two weeks. She would also sew the clothing she needs to wear (medieval reenactment), with my help. We talked about clothing designs, and despite my explaining how much work one style was, that was the style she chose to make. She has had two and a half months to prepare - we leave in less than a week. She has one and a three quarters of the most difficult clothing pieces left to sew...out of three total pieces. When I sewed two of these for four hours a day, it took me two weeks to finish. She spends no more than two hours a day on this, and has only worked on this stuff a maximum of about 12 days the entire time she's been here. Most times I have helped her, she randomly leaves to go to the bathroom, get a snack, etc, without telling me, leaving me sitting in the room waiting. She gets angry when she makes mistakes, telling me I haven't been watching her closely enough and didn't explain well enough. Again, on crutches, and the nearest chair for me is five feet from the sewing machine. She even told my husband, in front of me, that she prefers when he helps her instead of me. She now has to book appointments with me to get my help, and if she's not there within 15 minutes of the appointment time, I will do something else, and she can try to book time with me at another time.
Saturday morning, she was getting ready for work. My husband thought she was done in the bathroom, so he got up and had a shower. I got up, and she told me she needed to leave for work soon, and had to brush her teeth and hair. I told her my husband probably wouldn't hear her if she yelled, but should be out soon. I went into the bathroom to pee, and my daughter came in as well, to get ready. I got my daughter into the shower with my husband while she was in there, then left the bathroom with my sister's toothbrush. She was sitting on a stool in front of the fridge seething. I put her toothbrush on the counter, and she asked me where her toothpaste was. I said that I couldn't carry very much because I'm on crutches, but she could just use water to brush her teeth. She then told me, "You didn't bring my hairbrush. I told you I needed to brush my hair!" I said that I have difficulty carrying so many things. She told me I should have sent my daughter out with them. She stomped downstairs without brushing her teeth. I then went into the bathroom and got her hairbrush, putting it beside her toothbrush. She stayed downstairs to her bedroom for a while, then left. She came back inside briefly, and during that time I told her my husband was out of the bathroom. She rushed upstairs to the bathroom, didn't find her hairbrush, and I told her I'd brought it out for her. She then said, in a voice dripping with anger and attitude, "So you brought it out AFTER I left???" I said, "No, I brought it out while you were home, but you were downstairs." She brushed her hair, and left the house, slamming the door.
That night, we got a message she would not be home for supper or that night. The next day she was working and then going to go visit our dad. She sent a message she would not be home for supper (as we knew) and would again not be coming home that night. We feel it is her trying (unsuccessfully) to make a power play and also perhaps making the excuse of being angry to finally get her "not boyfriend" to allow her over to his house. She is apparently coming home tonight for supper.
But at this point, the only way she can finish sewing her clothing is to wake up EARLY each morning (she's been staying in bed until 11 or 12 whenever she can), and sew every waking moment she's not at work. Not going to happen, especially when it apparently takes two hours to get ready for work. We have gone out of our way to make things for her to use, borrow items for her to use, etc. We have not asked her to do a ton of stuff around the house. We have respected her privacy and taught our daughter to do so as well. My husband is at the point that he says to me that if she decides she's not going with us on vacation, she can't stay in our house while we're gone, because he feels she won't respect our rules. We are at our wit's end trying to deal with her attitude, and her negative vibe is permeating our household. I don't want her to feel unwelcome, but something has to change, and I have no clue how to even talk with her anymore, because I'm afraid she just sees me as the enemy.
Can anyone offer any suggestions on how I can at least salvage my relationship with my sister while making our home life a little more pleasant? We have another month together, and I'm afraid she'll leave our house and never talk to me again at this point. I know she has some serious growing up to do, and I can't make that happen, but I don't want to lose her as a friend due to this experience.
I have struggled myself since moving out of the house as a teenager with trying to adjust to the real world. I spent my entire teenage years debating with my mother. I have had to learn how to be affectionate, for which I have had help from my husband whom I have known for almost half my life now. I have had to learn how to put those filters back onto my speech - I still have difficulty with this. I have had to learn how to be a mother in a loving way rather than repeat the behaviours my mother "shared" with me. I have learned that responsibility doesn't just mean looking after yourself and taking the blame when things are your fault - it also means looking after others, being respectful of others' needs, and figuring out how you can try to prevent situations from recurring, even when you don't believe them to be your fault. I still struggle with these things, but have made a lot of progress over the years.
My sister took the attitude of keeping quiet and keeping secrets to avoid incurring our mother's wrath. Now, having her here, she started out talkative, but has progressed to spending a lot of time in her room. She is defensive whenever we try to talk to her (ie. "Did you have a good evening?"). She has chosen to change her major in university, and was very very stressed and angry around the time she was registering for her new courses. She has found a "not my boyfriend" and invites him over to spend time in her room and have sex. He seems like a reasonably nice guy. Our rules are that he doesn't come over when we're not here, doesn't stay overnight, and she tells us before he comes over so that we and our house can be presentable. She respects most of that, but about half the time doesn't give us adequate or clear notice. If we ask her to help with anything, she gives us attitude. She does not talk with us much at all. If she sees us struggling to do something, she does not offer to help. If she wants to come with us to go out, we must then wait 10-15 minutes for her to apply makeup and get ready before she can be seen in public, regardless of the time of day. She told us when she arrived that she has her own bathroom at uni, and thus when she gets ready here she enters and exits the shared bathroom about 6 times, making it very difficult for the rest of the family to get ready.
When she moved here, we offered to bring her on vacation with us. We would pay for her breakfast and lunch, and take her with us; she would pay her gate fee, her suppertime meal plan, and babysit for us 10-12 hours over the two weeks. She would also sew the clothing she needs to wear (medieval reenactment), with my help. We talked about clothing designs, and despite my explaining how much work one style was, that was the style she chose to make. She has had two and a half months to prepare - we leave in less than a week. She has one and a three quarters of the most difficult clothing pieces left to sew...out of three total pieces. When I sewed two of these for four hours a day, it took me two weeks to finish. She spends no more than two hours a day on this, and has only worked on this stuff a maximum of about 12 days the entire time she's been here. Most times I have helped her, she randomly leaves to go to the bathroom, get a snack, etc, without telling me, leaving me sitting in the room waiting. She gets angry when she makes mistakes, telling me I haven't been watching her closely enough and didn't explain well enough. Again, on crutches, and the nearest chair for me is five feet from the sewing machine. She even told my husband, in front of me, that she prefers when he helps her instead of me. She now has to book appointments with me to get my help, and if she's not there within 15 minutes of the appointment time, I will do something else, and she can try to book time with me at another time.
Saturday morning, she was getting ready for work. My husband thought she was done in the bathroom, so he got up and had a shower. I got up, and she told me she needed to leave for work soon, and had to brush her teeth and hair. I told her my husband probably wouldn't hear her if she yelled, but should be out soon. I went into the bathroom to pee, and my daughter came in as well, to get ready. I got my daughter into the shower with my husband while she was in there, then left the bathroom with my sister's toothbrush. She was sitting on a stool in front of the fridge seething. I put her toothbrush on the counter, and she asked me where her toothpaste was. I said that I couldn't carry very much because I'm on crutches, but she could just use water to brush her teeth. She then told me, "You didn't bring my hairbrush. I told you I needed to brush my hair!" I said that I have difficulty carrying so many things. She told me I should have sent my daughter out with them. She stomped downstairs without brushing her teeth. I then went into the bathroom and got her hairbrush, putting it beside her toothbrush. She stayed downstairs to her bedroom for a while, then left. She came back inside briefly, and during that time I told her my husband was out of the bathroom. She rushed upstairs to the bathroom, didn't find her hairbrush, and I told her I'd brought it out for her. She then said, in a voice dripping with anger and attitude, "So you brought it out AFTER I left???" I said, "No, I brought it out while you were home, but you were downstairs." She brushed her hair, and left the house, slamming the door.
That night, we got a message she would not be home for supper or that night. The next day she was working and then going to go visit our dad. She sent a message she would not be home for supper (as we knew) and would again not be coming home that night. We feel it is her trying (unsuccessfully) to make a power play and also perhaps making the excuse of being angry to finally get her "not boyfriend" to allow her over to his house. She is apparently coming home tonight for supper.
But at this point, the only way she can finish sewing her clothing is to wake up EARLY each morning (she's been staying in bed until 11 or 12 whenever she can), and sew every waking moment she's not at work. Not going to happen, especially when it apparently takes two hours to get ready for work. We have gone out of our way to make things for her to use, borrow items for her to use, etc. We have not asked her to do a ton of stuff around the house. We have respected her privacy and taught our daughter to do so as well. My husband is at the point that he says to me that if she decides she's not going with us on vacation, she can't stay in our house while we're gone, because he feels she won't respect our rules. We are at our wit's end trying to deal with her attitude, and her negative vibe is permeating our household. I don't want her to feel unwelcome, but something has to change, and I have no clue how to even talk with her anymore, because I'm afraid she just sees me as the enemy.
Can anyone offer any suggestions on how I can at least salvage my relationship with my sister while making our home life a little more pleasant? We have another month together, and I'm afraid she'll leave our house and never talk to me again at this point. I know she has some serious growing up to do, and I can't make that happen, but I don't want to lose her as a friend due to this experience.
