Obsessive fear of losing loved ones

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by yvesfra, May 3, 2013.

  1. yvesfra

    yvesfra New Member

    Thanks to open this post and take thetime to read it.

    I would like to detail theproblem I face, so may be I get some help. I am a french man (sorryfor my English) married to a Greek citizen. We are living in Greece.My wife is a business woman very busy, so I barely raise our littlegirl alone. She is now 5 years old.

    My wife see her on Sundayand 1 hour maximum in the evening. Due to the well known problemshere in Greece, my wife and I decide that I will leave Greece to getback in France to find a job or start a new business, then my familywill come later in France.

    This was the plan, I hadto leave in November 2012. Due to a small problem, we had to cancelit and report it after Christmas. We didn't tell anything to our babygirl, waiting we decide the departure date to tell her that I willhave to leave.

    In late November, our babygirl (5 year old) understand that I will have to leave for somemonths. She understand it alone, probably from some sentences shecatch from our conversations. This was a huge mistake. From thismoment, she start to have a lot of problems:

    1/ She refused to move inthe house if we wasn't with her.

    2/ She refused to sleep ifwe wasn't both of us with her. Before she was sleeping alone in herbedroom.

    3/ She get very afraidbefore to sleep, and told us that she ear a voice inside her headthat say *You will die, you won't die*

    4/ She get very veryconcerned about death of loving ones, speak about it very often andfear it. She is asking question like :* Ok, the soul go to the sky,but what will happen to the remaining body?*.

    5/ She get suddenly alsovery concerned about religion, telling us that we have to believebecause the Christ die but resurrect, and crying if we don't say*Yes, we believe*. Now that it is Easter here in Greece, she told usthat she love the red color because remind her the color of theChrist's blood, and so on. Me and my wife are not practicingreligion, neither speaking about it. She get the knowledge from hergrand-mother and also probably at school and it look like it becomean obsession.

    Obviously, we cancel theplan and I will stay in Greece.

    Note that we don't have TVat home (so she cannot see death on news, movies...) and she only seeDVD like winnie the pooh, mickey and so on.

    I managed to solve thepoint 1, 2 and 3 with hypnosis.

    Now, she is really reallybetter.

    I am looking now how I canhelp her concerning the point 3 and 4.

    I search and I find thatthe best way could be to write a story to explain death.

    So I am trying to create astory to explain death and "life after death" to my littlebaby girl (5yo old).

    I will not follow theChristian way because the idea that the soul leave us and go to heaven is still a separation and won't help her, I beleive.

    It will be the story of alittle girl. Her favorite aunt die from a sickness that doesn't existwhere the little girl live but the aunt catch it very very far awayfrom there.

    I am thinking to write itin five steps (or chapters)

    Step 1: after a while, thesad little girl meet a strange but very nice old man that teach herwhat is death with the use of the comparison between the blindcaterpillar and the butterfly. It is not because the caterpillarcannot see the butterfly that it isn't there and still alive.

    Step 2: The next day thesame very nice old man Introduce the idea that if she cannot see withher aunt with her eyes, she can see with her love/hearth/soul (notdecided yet). I am thinking also that the old man help her to meether aunt, telling the little gitl to grab his hand and close hereyes. (There is such script that work like a charm, I tried them manytime. Is it true or is it a dream, I don't know but it helped somebuddies)

    Step 3: Next day again,the very nice old man is here again. I would like, here, to introducethe idea that the soul of the loved one will be always here for her.I thinking to associate it with a loved object in some way.

    Step 4: Here, I candescribe the little girl's new happy daily life now that she haslearn from the old man.

    Step 5 and final: I amthinking that the very nice old man will answer to some remainingquestion:
    One of them will be whatwe do with the remaining body of the decease one? I am thinking totake the example of snow white but to precise that this state isdefinitive.

    Any advice about the storyor the way to help will be very welcomed.

    I don't know if I shoulddescribe the death of the aunt. Something like: without pain or fearshe close her eyes...

    Or if it is better thatthe little girl learn the death from her mother?

    Who is the very nice andhelpful old man? I am thinking that at the end, he reveal hisidentity: He is the Death, he is not bad, neither an enemy or an end,only a door to the next level of life. But I am not sure if it is agood idea.

    Thanks again for yourtime. I understand that each child is different and it is probablyimpossible to say if it is a good story for my child or not. But ifyou can give me general guide line based of what I am thinking of, itwill be a lot appreciated.
  2. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hello yvesfra. Your post is rather an unusual one :)

    I may be really lacking in imagination or sensitivity, but ever since my son (aged 6 now) has asked questions, I have answered them honestly - adapting the information to a child, obviously. I have explained about death and about what happens after death in terms of the body, burial, etc and he takes it for granted: these things seem to me an essential part of life, basic truths that can be accepted.

    Can you not just talk directly to your little girl, rather than writing her a story? Answering her questions as honestly as you can, staying within your own understanding of these matters? Children register so much information and pick up on things, as you describe: therefore better to air them openly. I'm also not sure it was a good idea for you to have cancelled your plans to go to France.

    Has your daughter already lost someone - a grandparent, a pet? Loss and grief are hard to handle at any age, for sure. It seems to be widely accepted now that it is better for children to be able to mourn, to attend funerals, etc, rather than trying to shield them from all pain and reality.

    Bon courage!
  3. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    My advice to you: be as open and age appropriate as possible. No matter the questions, you should answer them (at her levelobviously).
    As you've already experienced, kids pick up on things and that's why I beieve it is important to just tell the truth.
    The "truth" about death is a hard one though. When our cat died suddeny, I had to talk about death with the kids. It is not an easy conversation, but I believe it is developmentally appropriate. And I think it is ok to tell your version, say "I don't know" when you really don't and also say "Grand-Ma believes..." or "Auntie believes..." if their version is different than yours.
    If you want to write a story, go ahead. But I fear she will still have many questions. But you can ease her anxiety by just being there and let her know that you will alwyas do your best to answer her.
  4. yvesfra

    yvesfra New Member

    Thanks Everyone for answering me