Panicked Daily

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by T Rene', Aug 24, 2016.

  1. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    I am very happy I joined this group of lovig parents & ppl that are sadly going thru the same thgs I am :) I have watched & read for a couple mths now before joining . My world is completely upside down , trying to do wat is best for my 28 yr old son that I luv with all my heart ! He is not the same person anymore ... Today he hates me because I dont fall into his many lies & because I wont let him live with me :( I cant Tho He will distroy everythg I have worked for AGAIN ( he has destroyed 3 homes of mine) It makes me feel awful everday that I cant help him .I WAKE up every morn in a panic.. I begged him to come to work ... I can not force him .. I tried..Now he blames me for everythg that has gone wrong in his life . I had to fire him because he was having his drug friends hang out when he did work 2 hrs out of 8 hrs a day ! He left me no choice ! I now have to live with him lieing on me & saying He is not my son :( just needed to get this off my chest .. Thank u for listening
  2. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I am new also and i can feel the pain you are going through because i live it too. But you are strong! just knowing you won't let him live with you again is such a hard thing to do! I am not there yet (my husband and i are still not on the same page about that) But I hope to get there soon. Good luck and Stay strong!
  3. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    Thank You so very much . It breaks my heart that we as loving parents have to go thru This Kind of pain ( because it is BAD pain) I hope that your world gets better soon as well :)Will have you in my prayers & thoughts I thk just talkin & reading others will help us A Lot
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Would you like him and want to be around him if he wasn't your son?

    Why do you feel guilty about not letting an almost 30 year old man live with you? How many men that age live with mom on mom's dime? Most parents dont want grown men and women children in their homes. Most grown children dont WANT to still live with parents.

    I know he is your son, but he is abusing you. Would you let your spouse or a friend treat you this way? NOBODY has a right to treat anyone the way tour son treats you. Why do you care if he makes up ridiculous lies? Stop reading his social media. Youll feel happier if you don't. Really!

    is there a father here, maybe divorced from you, maybe not a nice man. Personality is in large part genetic. If your son gets tired of being unkind, then he can get help and do the hard work it takes to change. Only he can make that decision.

    Just because we feel guilty stepping out of the drama doesn't mean its not best for both us and for them.

    In the meantime, enrich your own life. Hang out with loving family and friends. Enjoy community groups and your hobbies. Volunteer. Obsessibg over this son helps nobody and hurts you. No one person, even an angry adult child making bad choices, should have so much power over your life. It does no good. You are in charge of your life, nobody elses.

    Take care of yourself and let go of this son's drama. Love him, but don't engage in his messes. He better learn to clean up his own trash. None of us can live forever.

    Be kind to yourself. Dont allow abuse from anybody.

    I had a daughter who abused drugs but she quit long ago. She had to leave at age 19. She quit in large part due to knowing we would never support her lifestyle. She is doing great now. It is hard to let go. I am convinced there is no other way to motivate them to change. Helping doesnt seem to makes us the parents feel better and the kids disrespect our weakness, use us, lie, steal and dont feel they have to change JMO
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    Last edited: Aug 24, 2016
  5. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    I know you are completely right ! No if he was not my son Its a man that I wld not even like I guess thats the sad part .. Thank u for ur honesty to me Thats why Im here seeking advice & to get my feelings under control over all this I appreciate u telling me to enjoy life again ... I am diff trying
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The best example to set for your son to see you living a good life. is it hard? If course, at least at first. I cried for three weeks after I made my young 19 year old daughter leave, but I had two younger kids and the cops visiting and her behavior scared the younger ones.

    Once we cut off all money, the car, our house, everything, she did a quick turnaround. She was never mean to us, but she wouldn't follow very reasonable rules and used serious drugs. Her reason for quitting, and she even quit cigarettes, she explained, "Using drugs is a hard life...its too hard." She had dealers after her for money.

    She went to live with a rather unsympathetic and harsh relative in another state. He cracked the whip and she didnt want to be homeless. He was tougher than us...she had no second chances with him and knew it. Every day she walked to and from work in a cold Chicago winter. She paid rent. She cleaned and cook. She was lonely without friends, but finally met her boyfriend. She walked a tough road to get healthy. And it hurt us to not rescue her but we didnt. Not a penny. Not from anyone

    It has been twelve years, a two year college associates degree she paid for, a house she owns with boyfriend of twelve years and she rocks as a mother to my granddaughter.

    I'm glad I did make her leave, even though it scared me. She turned into a loving daughter who lives a very chill, normal life and we have a close relationship. Love that granddaughter!!!!

    When nothing else works, tough love is worth a try.
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    Last edited: Aug 24, 2016
  7. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    Omg Yes !!! This is wat Im wanting for mine ... I am so proud for you for being strong & Your Daughter for doing it !!! :) Im gonna follow suit This I know will be a long haul as you say .. But well worth
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  8. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Welcome T Rene, I'm not as hard core as I probably should be nor give the best advice but I wanted to welcome you and offer what I can.
    I don't think you should feel one bit bad about not allowing your son to live with you nor should you worry about what he tells others or post on social media about you, everyone will know that's not true. Sounds like you have been through hell with your son and have done a lot to try to help him but mostly what you mention is paying for stuff for him, just handing him a job and making his life easy. Have you tried an intervention to get him into rehab? I did an intervention on my son who was a heroin addict and he agreed and went to rehab. He seems to be doing well for now, he is receiving Vivitrol injections monthly . He is working a full time job for the first time ever and is really a different person. My son blamed me for every bad thing in his life when he was in active addiction just like your son is doing to you.
    Performing an intervention was a very hard thing to arrange. I studied about interventions on the Internet and I had to get everyone on board including my sons father who I don't get along with at all. I wasn't sure if it would work but I just felt that I had to do whatever it took to save my son. I do believe in tough love, detachment, and enjoying your own life. I'm practicing all of that now. I just wanted to know that I did everything I could to save him. If he relapses now, it's on him.
    Could an intervention be one last thing you try to help your son? You have to have a bottom line of what you will do if he doesn't go to treatment and you have to stick to it. You need everyone close to your son on board.
    If that's not an option then Detach anyway you can, you deserve to enjoy your life. He is a grown man!
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  9. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    Thank u very much . Yes I have gone so far as to try in 3 diff counties to have him locked up on somethg small ( he threatens his own life ) & hold him so His Dad & I can Have him Court Ordered to Rehab :) Every ck He convinces them that he is fine .. So last time they took his Pistol & set him free ! If I just go to court & have papers done for this , they will serve him & , he WILL run .. Then I cant do anythg :( Yes I wld consider intervention :) I dont know how .. Because He will Not listen to any one :( He says he does not have a problem ... But we All know different
  10. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member


    The truth of the matter is that if he is an addict even if you can have him court ordered to treatment it probably won't work because they only get clean when they are ready.

    Unfortunately, the best you can do is learn to emotionally distance yourself from it and learn not to enable.

    Have you tried Al-Anon, Nar-Anon meetings? They are helpful in letting you connect with people in the same situation and they will help you learn to stop the cycle of co-dependence.

    You need to take care of yourself. As sad as it is, there is nothing you can do do help your son. How can you help someone who thinks they don't need help? Do some things to help relive your anxiety. Maybe a therapist would help or try yoga, or put some headphones with upbeat music and take a long walk.
  11. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    I know You are telling me the truth with all my heart & I have almost drove myself crazy over all this :( thank u very much for ur feelings about this . I just never wanted to be that Mom that Has to detatch from one of my children ... We use to be so close & he was so respectful at one time . I have watched him do a complete turn ...:( But u r certainly right in that it is for the best for now
  12. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    T Rene...none of us wanted to be that Mom. Hopefully, it won't be forever....

  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    TRene, all people are different. My daughter is very sweet and very strong and she did it...not us. And we had young kids to condider.

    Dont think you are weak. Maybe though change your tactics. Doing the same thing over and over again, and gdtting the same results, is the definition of insanity ;)

    Detaching from the drsma of a crazy life is NOT a lack of love. It is continuing to love them as much as ever, but rejecting disrespect, pleas for money and housing. You can make it clear that if they get help to change, you could revisit any issue. Although personally I would not house or fund a man his age...we are all different in what we feel is right.
  14. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    Thank you Hugs to you
  15. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    Yes I have Grandbabies I cant have him around because of the way he speaks & acts , I have made it clear of his options .. I know I am doing right It just hurts like crazy ... Thank u for takin time to talk ! I appreciate it very much :)
  16. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    There's a very real risk in getting an addict, especially an opioid addict "clean by force", such as prison or forced rehab.

    What can happen is that they fix up as soon as they are released. They have lost their tolerance due to the forced abstinence. They take the same dose of their substance of choice that they were using before the interruption in use, and OD, sometimes fatally.

    Not to mention that forcing an addict into abstinence is a waste of time. You may get the clean for a bit, but you do not fix the addiction. The addict will use again as soon as they get the chance.

    Until the addict WANTS to be clean and sober more than anything else, no treatment or prison will work.