Parenting Question: How Would You Handle This...?

[DaisyFace]

This probably shouldn't even be a question...

but I realize today I am so burnt out. I have put so much time and energy into fighting "stupid" - and for what? Nothing changes. Nothing except I lose more sleep, get more stressed, and get more burnt out...

I don't even know if I care any more. I know I'm supposed to care - but what is the point?

After difficult child was caught using the internet inappropriately for the umpteenth time (exchanging racy IMs with 20-something men) - we suspended her computer priviledges indefinitely.

And this is great as far as we can enforce it. Which means she uses the computer at school, at friend's houses, at the library, etc...

She started a very part-time job a little bit ago...so now she has a cell phone. husband and I set some firm rules about the phone. And sure enough, just a few shorts weeks later - the rules are out the window. difficult child has been calling and texting at all hours of the night...and now husband spotted her new Facebook page - under a fake name, with friend requests all sent out to older guys.

Part of me feels we need to do "the right thing" and cancel the cell phone...

and the other part of me feels like saying "The Heck with it!"...she is so bound and determined to do the wrong thing - why am I even pretending that I can protect her from herself???

Keep the d*mn phone - at least she can call and let me know what ditch she ends up in!

I guess I need some kind of pep talk or something...

or a drink...

or both.

 

[JJJ]

Whose account is the phone attached to? If it is yours, I would block her internet access via the usage controls.

 

[DaisyFace]

It's a pre-paid phone on an unlimited everything plan...

 

[JJJ]

It's a pre-paid phone on an unlimited everything plan...

Ugh.

 

[buddy]

good thing about a prepaid phone, you can cancel the phone, no penalties. Get a phone only....no text etc. Like the "old" people kind they show on TV (I know I"m an old people too but I have an android! and so does my 70 yr old mom) difficult child wants a phone so badly. I just dont trust him at all with the apps and internet. Mostly, he will call people incessantly and bug them. He has done that with my phone too.

 

[keista]

Well, if it's prepaid and she's paying for it, how can you cancel it? If you're paying then definitely cancel.

As tired and burnt out as you are, you know you have to keep doing the right thing until she is 18. Not much of a pep talk, but it's all I've got. I will also tell you to have a drink

 

[buddy]

Oh, I was assuming you can't get ANY phone unless you are an adult. I guess I dont know that for sure though....CAN kids get phones without a parent? My prepaid phone is still on my credit card...but I guess they can go buy a phone card for cash....yikes.

 

[DammitJanet]

I believe a 16 year old can buy a pre-paid cell phone if she has an ID and money.

You know what, you have done everything you can to prevent her to save her from herself for as long as you could and she seems hell bent on self destruction. I think i would tell her she can have the phone on one rule. She has to back up all texts and emails to a file on her computer with peoples contact names and real names so that should something happen to her, you will at least have a starting place. Assure he you will never look in there unless she goes missing under suspicious circumstances.

 

[HaoZi]

As for internet at school, around here there's a permission slip that goes home to allow access, and parents can revoke access at any time. Total grounding for her - no going to friends' houses, no going anywhere but school, work, and home. No stops in between allowed. Phone? You do need a way to limit that.

 

[tiredmommy]

Has difficult child been told, explicitly, by a cop, therapist or you (or husband) the risk she's taking by texting/friending these older men? Maybe she needs to know that older guys like to have 16 year old girls around only for one thing. And sometimes it goes very badly for the girl. Maybe she should be made to take to a rape survivor.

 

[AnnieO]

Bubble bath, candles, a glass of wine and a good book - and a LOCKED bathroom door.

That's just to start.

We, too, have to sign a permission slip for internet use, but... Since the kids use it SO MUCH at school, revoking there is pointless. Also... Onyxx taught me how to get around blocked sites. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

She may be paying for it, but... It's YOUR HOUSE, and she is a MINOR. Therefore, YOUR RULES. Since the behavior is inappropriate, you could take away the cell - but I guaran-d*mn-tee you she will get another one. Buy, steal, cajole out of a friend... She will find a way. So... Get those numbers (I am assuming you can?) and text them all. "This is a 16-y/o girl's number, you wil be reported to the authorities if you continue to contact this number in this manner." (...How inappropriate, by the way?)

And... I wish I could send FM down to help.

 

[DaisyFace]

Has difficult child been told, explicitly, by a cop, therapist or you (or husband) the risk she's taking by texting/friending these older men? Maybe she needs to know that older guys like to have 16 year old girls around only for one thing. And sometimes it goes very badly for the girl. Maybe she should be made to take to a rape survivor.

Yep. Not a rape survivor buy by her parents, therapist, Ms Ally, and current BA

In one ear and out the other.

Because difficult child "can tell" when someone is a good person or a bad person...and since these are all "good" guys - there's nothing to worry about. difficult child is no virgin - so she thinks she knows all there is to know. She is also confident that she'd be able to fight her way out of any tough situations. husband is a big man - he has demonstrated to her that if he wanted to pin her down - there's not a darn thing in the world she could do about it...and yet she STILL does not believe that could ever happen to her because she is too smart for that.



So what I'm trying to grapple with is - if I want difficult child to have a phone, I have to accept that she is going to use it inappropriately. Even if I block the internet or get her a "calling only" phone - does that mean she is going to stick to the straight and narrow and only speak with "approved" friends? Of course not...

And if I remove the phone - does that ensure that she will do the right thing? Nope - no assurance there either.

The whole thing just seems so futile...


And while I like the idea of difficult child downloading everything to the computer - I can't envision any circumstance under which difficult child would actually do such a thing. She would need to acknowledge that what she was doing was potentially dangerous. And since she thinks we are all just paranoid and stupid - she would have no intention of leaving any information for us to find.

 

[DaisyFace]

(...How inappropriate, by the way?)

Well, she finds these guys by browsing the pics on friend's FB pages. If she thinks somebody looks cute - she will send them a friend request with the message "I'm a friend of so-and-so and I think you're really hot...". It doesn't matter to her that she has NO idea who these guys actually are in real life. The IMs start out flirty and get worse from there... The last one we saw talked about how, when and where they were going to have sex.

She has also posted ads of herself online staing that she is a single 23 year old "just looking for a good time"... (That may not have been the exact phrase she used, but it's something along those lines - difficult child probably meant it as looking for innocent fun, but it reads that she is available for casual sexual encounters...)

 

[AnnieO]

At her age... Does she understand that if she keeps doing this, it could be a legal nightmare for her? Esp. if the guys are "hot" but are - 12?! It's been known to happen. (And if she is sending picture messages... OMG.)

I don't know what you can do, really. been there done that. Onyxx, when her cell phone was taken (AGAIN), just found an iPod (says a friend gave it to her... ORLY?), and has been using that to text.

Yup.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, dear.
I'd consider cancelling the acct, or disabling photos and uploads. If you can.
I know the feeling of putting out a fire and running over to find another one. It's endless.
Hugs.

 

[keista]

Step brings up a good point. SHE's lying about her age, so what makes her think all these guys are telling the truth? Or even have real pics of themselves up?

Again I'm gonna say you still need to keep doing all the things you know to be "right". Of course she's gonna find ways around them, and then again, you will do whatever you can. I just don't ever want to hear that you and husband are being accused of neglect of failure to protect, or something else just as stupid. You know it's always the good parents that get stuck with such bogus charges for something stupid while the bad parents get away with it all. You've been a good parent for far too long to give up now. ((((HUGS))))

 

[Marcie Mac]

Sorry - the only way I got my eldest to stop the bad behavior was to put her on a plane, send her 3000 miles away to live with my mother for 6 months, while I moved 40 miles away from where we lived. If you knew anything about the relationship between my mother and myself, you would know how desperate I was. Imagine your 14 year old telling you she is getting married and moving to El Salvador, where the boyfriend's father was so wealthy, he was going to build them a house. Mmmmm, then why is he,his mother and three siblings living in a single room apartment. He was 24 by the way. Had I not acted quickly, she would have gotten knocked up, and he would have been on his way to getting his green card.

I think my first move would be to show her Behavior Therapist that web site After that, if you can't move, or send her away, stay on her 24-7. I would be im'ing all of those hot guys spilling the beans on her. I am just so thankful I had to deal with all of my eldest's **** pre internet

Marcie

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Your difficult child sounds very similar to difficult child 1 when he was her age. No matter how hard I tried to stop him, he always found a way to get what he wanted - computers, cell phones, etc... I truly understand what you mean when you said the the whole thing just seems so futile.

difficult child 1 thought he was totally indestructible and smarter than everyone else. No amount of talking, whether to a psychiatrist, therapist, or us did anything. He would just laugh in our faces. We were too stupid to know anything about anything! And, like your difficult child, difficult child 1 would never provide us with information to help us locate him. After all, he was Superman!

So sorry I don't have any good advice for you! Hugs... SFR

 

[susiestar]

Reality is that the age of consent in OH is 16. So no matter what these people can't be charged wtih statutory rape. You can try to supervise her 24/7, but it won't work and will drive you insane. I don't know if letting her do this will just lead to taking more risks. I have a feeling it will.

You have to decide what you, and husband, can live with. there are parents who just give up, esp if they have run into situation with the police, idiots like your caseworker, and they just can't make any changes.

I guess it comes down to what you can live with. regardless of if you will let her keep the phone, she needs to have the birth control implant. You really do NOT need to raise a grandchild and there is NO way she would take the responsibility and be a good parent. Not at this time.

I wish I could tell you to keep going - you CAN, and I will support you, but honestly? at age 18 she is going to go nuts with the freedom and still expect you to support her. maybe you need to push her to take a job that can give her hours closer to full time work in addition to going to school. If nothing else it would keep her busy. Keep your hands on the reins of the $$ until she is 18, so that seh isn't using the $$ for drugs.

I don't know the best thing to do. But if this is too hard on you, then let go. reality is that she is close to 18 and there is very little to back you up besides husband and us. the law won't help you - she can legally have sex if she wants to - with ANYONE. Sadly she has probably been told this.

 

[DaisyFace]

Susie--

Thank you. Yes - I guess that's what I am really trying to decide: what I can live with.

difficult child is on the birth control implant...so pregnancy should not be a worry - but of course, there's everything else. STDs, alcohol, drugs.

And you are right about the job, too. It's a bit of a double-edged sword. It's good that she has some responsibility and if she's working she's not getting into trouble. But on the other hand, the job gives her money and a sense that she is "grown up" now - and should be entitled to do what she wants because she is earning her own money.