Pats -
I know how hard this is for you having lived through it for so many years. Sadly I don't think you ever get used to it, or even numb to the discovery of the habits of the addict. Eventually if you allow it to happen you start to feel like the worlds number one detective recognizing the signs and feeling the most empty pit in your gut when your inclinations are proven correct. You stand on the edge of 'I think I'm right hoping against hope that you are incorrect, then WHAM' it's a vicious cycle - no different than the abuse of the drug user. Harder I think to recognize, because you aren't the one doing the drugs - so you figure -meh - I'm okay it's HER that has the problem. I will fix this or push her in the direction of help and my life will be okay once she has help. Please be very careful of this once and done thinking.
Out the door does not mean, out of your head, out of your heart, out of your life, out of your daily mind replay over and over and over and over. What could I have done, What didn't I do, What can I do now, What can I say that is right, What will I say that is wrong, IF I do this will the abuser do that, If I bring up THIS will it undo weeks of therapy and cause the abuser to relapse, If I voice my anger towards the abuser should it be NOW, later? I mean all these emotions and questions are legitimate feelings that YOU and your husband NEED to deal with NOW. Not in a month, not in a year, not when she finds sobriety. Not if she relapses. The guilt can tear you apart, ruin your relationship, eat you alive and you may or may not even recognize it. It can also consume you with trying to find cures, clues, articles, internet folk - about how to help or not to help or what do I do for her, for myself? It will MAKE YOU NUTS.
I spent nearly 15 years in thearpy because of an addict - and I'm happy to say that when I was done with therapy (not just for his addictions - a lot of other problems too) I still can't advise anyone on what is the best thing to do. Report it, don't report it - You have to go with your gut - and you did. I'm proud of you. It took a lot of courage to do what you did. Now take just a little bit MORE of that same courage and do something for yourself and find a counselor to talk to - really. Really.
This is going to take more effort on your part than you ever realized. And we'll be here for support. ANYTIME.
Hugs & Love from the very bottom of my heart.
Star