Police for Christmas

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by LeaMac, Dec 25, 2017.

  1. LeaMac

    LeaMac New Member

    2:30 Christmas morning we awoke to police at the front door. Our 28 yr old daughter finally called an ambulance and admitted herself to detox. Baby was placed in foster care. She is in rehab now for at least twenty-eight days. Her second time in two years.
    Since her first stint, we found her a room, paid two months rent and were pleased to see her enjoying a daycare job. In the third month, she got pregnant (again) left for Georgia and did nothing for nine moths except hang at a friends house. She ignored all advice, certain she could raise a child alone, homeless, and unemployed. Go figure.
    So my question is- how involved do we have to be at this point. She has already called today asking for us to bring clothes and cigarettes. I don’t want to. Been there, done that last time. Went to the parent meetings, paid for sober living (she left after two days). I’m sixty-five and have been trying to help her since she was fourteen. I don’t want to be involved anymore. It didn’t help and my husband and I are both so tired and defeated. Is it awful if we stay away this time? I feel like it’s going to kill me if I have to interact in this situation anymore. Just want to hide away.

    Thanks for listening.
    Some Christmas.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am 64. If this were my late 20's to 40 something kid, I would not join the "party." I enjoy living, not dying from stress when our totally inconsiderate adult kids forget we aren't spring chickens who will live forever and try dragging us into their drama. I am done pretending I can do this stuff.

    By personal advice is I would stay away. Even if she throws a toddler tantrum. Dont listen to crying and abuse. She is a grown adult and responsible for herself without your running for her or buying her anything or spending your retirement money once again. She sure won't be there for help and comfort if you spend all your money on her.

    Like me, you are too old to take on babies so be peaceful that the kids are safe somewhere and enjoy your retirement and know that your daughter will quit or not (her track record is not good) and it will depend on her, not anything you do or don't do. You can't influence this.

    Why on earth did you get frightened out of sleep at 2am? It couldn't have waited until morning to do this? Beware that she may only be going through the motions to get something from you, such as money or housing. I would offer neither.

    by the way, I buy cigarettes for NOBODY. Not an emergency. They have hospital gowns for those without street clothes. Don't run!

    At our ages it is time to relax and travel, revisit hobbies, read, ,visit kind family and friends, exercise and fortify our marriages. Our adults need to learn to be strong and smart. Or not. It is way beyond our responsibility or ability to help thrm anymore.You have done it all for her. Time for her to do it alone. You can not live forever. Then what?

    You don't have to keep your phone's on or answer her calls/texts. Just some thoughts. Think of yourselves first. You earned this.

    Love and hugs!
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    Last edited: Dec 25, 2017
  3. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    Sounds very depressing I too have a D.C. And this holiday was bad had to kick him out again never seems to end it feels awfull to me too but I guess we know what giving in to guilt will bring almost always your gut feeling is fight on
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  4. LeaMac

    LeaMac New Member

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply- and on Christmas! Your words have helped me - I get so turned around by her requests and feeling sorry for her, I lose all common sense. I WAS thinking I had to rush down there with clothes, despite the plans we have with friends and family this week. I guess what eats at us is that she’s an only child and has estranged nearly everyone in her life, and we feel like we are all she has. But really all she has done for years is use us.
  5. LeaMac

    LeaMac New Member

    I feel the same way. This is awful, but it was even worse having her under our roof. At least we have peace in our own home, if not in our hearts. Good luck, and God bless.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We had our family over yesterday and this early morning. Just watching football now.

    Your daughter would have people in her life if she was nice to them.

    Enjoy the rest of your holiday. For now, daughter and grands are safe.

    Merry Christmas!
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    Last edited: Dec 26, 2017
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Lea, welcome to the forum and so sorry for your need to be here, especially on Christmas.
    ugh. I’ve been through some dramatic stuff with my two, police, etc. Really? 2:30 am? On Christmas? That’s just unacceptable. I think that d cs do stuff like this to keep us on edge and full of anxiety so we start feeling like we don’t know which end is up. Expect us to continue to be at their beck and call no matter what.
    I don’t blame you for feeling as you do. I agree 100% with Swot. This is a time in your life where you should be relaxing and traveling, enjoying your retirement years.
    You have found a good place here on CD to figure out your next steps to focus on you. You matter. Your life and peace of mind matters.
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  8. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    Hi lea so sorry you are here my son is an
  9. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi LeaMac.
    You've gone over and above to try to assist an "adult". It obviously didn't work. Many of us have thought "maybe this time"...only to be drug down again. Try something new, it doesn't mean you won't worry but don't you still worry while helping her? There is never enough in their minds, but you sound as if you have had it this time. Be assured, you are entitled to peace.

    I hear "I don't want to and I don't want to". That has been my cue, if I resent the request, situation or need, I need to stop. Be assured, she won't stop for a while if ever. In fact when you say no, she will most likely ramp up the requests. You've been in this long enough to know. Many of us have been in your shoes, take comfort that the baby is safe. I've found it better just to block calls because I'm too weak and it upsets me. We initiate contact with our son when we can handle it and immediately get off phone if there's drama.

    I have been so profoundly sad that my son's wasting his life and then I realized how profoundly sad it was that I was wasting mine....

    Keep posting, we're here, we get it. Prayers.
  10. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    Sorry about that hit wrong button as I was saying my son is also an only child I think that makes matters worse because we have no other to lean on these are good people and great advice being here makes me feel better about myself knowing others have been through this we all have a different story but the same.xmas is a difficult time for me it seems to always get worse at this time they use guilt to try get you to go back to the old ways it's so tempting maybe this will be the time change will take place.but if you are here you know the answer it won't change they don't reason like we do we see the train wreck coming and are powerless to stop it hurts real bad and not being able to rescue them from that life is so so hard but we move on don't let others judge you they have not been through what we deal with you are a good person that's why you are here if not it would not bother you you have to keep a safe calm home boundaries have to be placed so you can make a difference for yourself my son is 25 and I don't see any change in fact it's gotten worse he texts me horrible things I could not repeat but I stay strong hope this helps it did for me stay in touch
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    This sums it up. The sadness we all feel about choices and the waste of life and potential.
    Theirs and ours.
    One thought in a post that rings in my head, is that if our d cs were strangers, or even friends of ours, we would not put up with the nonsense and mistreatment. Our d cs rely on the relationship ties to keep doing what they do.
    Setting boundaries and putting our foot down to the atrocious behaviors in our homes and lives does not mean that we do not love them. There is nothing further from the truth, we love them with all of our hearts. They are adults, acting like toddlers throwing tantrums, pulling out all of the stops to get what they want. When they were toddlers, we did not give in to this because we loved them and wanted them to learn that their actions were not acceptable. It is no different when they grow up, go off the rails and expect us to keep providing for them. Love says no. No, I won't go in to "rescue mode", no, you have to learn to fend for yourself.
    We will not be on this earth forever to clean up their mess. They have to learn to choose better. If we always step in, they will not learn.
    Self care is what we want them to learn, to be self sufficient.
    I think the greatest way to teach them is through example.
    It is not easy to pull up and out of the muck of emotions and grief caused by an adult child ramping it up and dragging us along for the ride.
    It takes work.
    It takes effort to reel through the tapes and really look at the history of it and how far we have gone to "help". Does your adult child appreciate your sacrifice? Have they changed? Do they contribute to your household, or keep taking and expecting more?
    Some folks have gone to therapy to get help to pull themselves up, others, groups like alanon, there are tons of resources on the web, posting here helps us to see that we are not alone. Each of us is at different junctures on the pathway back to sanity and self care. I say sanity, because the effects of years of going through this with our d cs is crazy making.
    Start with little steps to open your eyes to the reality of what is going on. It is like a synchronistic downslide, for our d cs and us. We get dragged right down the rabbit hole with them.
    What good can come of that?
    Work to strengthen yourself to stand up.
    Build your toolbox.
    You matter, your life matters.
    Be very kind to yourself.
    This is a hard road to be on, but not impossible to shift focus and learn how to take care of yourself. It is not selfish. It is what we want our d cs to do, to care for themselves.

    Many gentle hugs to you.
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  12. LeaMac

    LeaMac New Member

    Thank you all for your replies. I can’t express how much better I feel this morning having read all your words of wisdom and comfort. I have been bracing myself for her call from rehab today. I e been thinking I should answer bcz maybe it would be her counselor, but now I’m thinking - why should I? I don’t need to talk to her counselor, except maybe to make it clear that her dad and I are not “participating” this time around.
    I’m afraid speaking with our daughter on a daily basis at rehab will send the message that we are poised to offer our support once again. I am already worrying about where she will go after rehab. We lost over $1000 on a sober living house two years ago, not including all the provisions I had to rush to Walmart for - linens, bath supplies, food- that I didn’t realize weren’t provided. Lord knows what happened to them after she bolted with some guy.
    We really don’t want to spend another penny or have any more contact until we hear she is clean, working, and has a place to live. Is that reasonable of us?
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Very reasonable. She is 27.

    What isn't reasonable is to run to buy he things and pay $1000 or more without knowing she will use it the right way. Making these plans at 2am is a clue that she is still not mature. Don't toss your money to the wind unless you are incredibly rich.

    You have other things to do. She is old enough to figure it out. If she has nowhere to go, there are shelters. She needs to know that she has to grow up. She may not do it, but you can't make her do it either. Get out of her way. She is a woman, even if she doesn't act like one, and you can't kiss it and make it better anymore. Doesn't sound like she is even grateful.

    You have a whole retirement to enjoy. Enjoy it!:)
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  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Mine? 29, with three kids. Hubs and I were "rescuers" for years. Thought it was our duty as parents, but it was always, take, take, take. Like we had an endless supply of money, time, health. Huh. Nothing stopped the drama and chaos, it infiltrated every pore. Hubs already with issues, his health rapidly declined. It didn't matter to my two d cs. They didn't bat an eye. He passed. Drama at the hospital, drama after his burial. It just never ended and is still ongoing.
    My stomach churns as I write this.
    It is incredibly selfish of adult children to use their parents.
    To involve senior parents in one "Jerry Springer" episode after another.
    I am thinking of my friends who have normal loving relationships with their adult children.
    I think of MY parents, who would never allow the shenanigans, and my siblings and I would never put them through this cr#p!
    Don't feel bad for taking your life back, for taking the controls back, and not letting the drama drive the bus.
    It is not right to have such expectations as an adult child, to put parents through the ringer of consequences of bad choices.
    Yes. Good one Swot. There are places to go and get help. You are not the only choice. I have said this to my daughters, "You need to go to rehab, or to a shelter." They don't want to, because there are rules. I have no way of enforcing anything in my home. They just continue as is, and drag me along for the hell ride. Nope, my house is supposed to be my sanctuary.
    Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
    More than reasonable. Otherwise, it will just be more of the same ole, same ole. What would motivate her to be any different, if she feels she can always fall back on you?
    Take you for granted?
    There is a good article on detachment that can help you to shift focus and see through the fog of this.
    It takes work and a new way of doing things and reacting. After years of going through this stuff, we are pretty much conditioned to respond the same way. Our d cs have all ramped up behaviors, when we decide to say no. Then, there is this incredible feeling of guilt and abandonment, that, as parents, we should do something. It takes work to change direction and behave differently.
    For them, and for us.
    Really, we have pretty much abandoned ourselves, our peace and joy, trying desperately to "help" our adult children, who continue to make poor choices.
    Hubs cousins are near 80 and still housing their 50 year old wayward d cs. UGH!

    The article is a good read.
    I am sorry for your troubles and need to be here.
    It is a good place to figure out how to move forward and find your peace.
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  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    You have gotten amazing advice and support!

    Your daughter is where she should be. Take a big, huge, giant, earth shuddering step BACK. WAAAY back.

    Let her do this on her own. I would not have anything to do with it this time.

    She is way to old to be acting like a 15 year old.

    Like my son, she is an adult whether she likes it or not!!

    I'm so done and he is 22.

    Make 2018 the year of YOU!

    Christmas Hugs.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry to be so late in welcoming you to the Board. I think you need to let your daughter be out of your life until she has about a year of clean, sober, productive, tax paying life under her belt. Until she can do that, she really isn't going to be anyone you want to spend time with. All she will do is take from you, and you deserve so much better than that.

    My brother did rehab. I think my parents did it the right way. They left him in jail for a couple of weeks first, so he could detox there. Then they got him to rehab two days before they left the country for the summer. Sure they worried, but he was an adult. They tried to get me to come and spend the summer watching over him after he got out of rehab. Oh, heck no!!! I had kids that were NOT going to be exposed to that!! He was abusive enough to me and I wanted no part of him in that state or for that long a time period. Or to supervise him in any capacity. So my brother got out of rehab and had to sink or swim like a big boy. He figured it out.

    Leave your daughter alone to do this. Do NOT take her anything at any time for any reason. If you take her food, money, clothing, or anything else, you will only be getting in her way. Part of being an adult is figuring out how to support yourself when you have driven everyone away. What, exactly, has your daughter done to make you want to be around her? What, exactly, has she done FOR you? WITHOUT a selfish motive, without meaning to get something out of it for herself?

    The more you provide for your daughter, the more in her way you are. When she has to do it all for herself, it just might be too hard to keep using. Get. Out. Of. Her. Way.

    As for bringing her cigarettes? Have you lost your mind? Take the money from that carton of cigarettes and go do something very nice for yourself. Those things are expensive and you deserve something nice FAR more than she does!!! Don't spend the money on her and don't help her pollute her body that way!

    As far as being there when she gets out of rehab, I vote no. If you are, she will slide back into old habits. SHE needs to have you not be there. No matter how much she begs. She needs to figure it out for herself. No matter how much the social worker begs. The social worker begs because it is easier for them, not because they need you involved. They are used to having families who don't want to be involved. They have developed tools to guilt you into helping and paying for their sober living houses so that they don't have to figure out where the patient is going to go. Just block the number and your daughter's number.

    She had the cajones to not even tell you before the ambulance came on Christmas Eve (how many steps would she have had to take??), she can certainly figure out the rest of the steps. If she gets through to you and asks why you won't help her, tell her that you figure that she is grown enough to do it herself. She figured out how to get herself to rehab, she can just call another ambulance to get wherever she needs to go next. It just won't be from your house.

    Turn her room into something else. Make it a craft room or an exercise room or a room to make pizza in. ANYTHING else so that it isn't a bedroom. That way when she is out of rehab, she has no room to move into. It will send a clear message to her, and to YOU, that she cannot come back to your home. I know that will be hard, but it is important if she is ever to break the habit of getting high. She won't break it if she comes back to your home.

    Starting today, find an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting to attend. You can find them listed online (google) or look them up in the phone book and call the number to hear a recording of times and places in your area. It is VERY important that you break the cycle of enabling. It won't happen overnight. This is something you need help with just as much as she does. Otherwise you will falter and will slide back into the h#ll of having her live with you and having to deal with her being high all the time.

    Don't you ALL deserve better than that?
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  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is excellent advice. Sus and I have been on this forum for over ten years. We are the vets, both with difficult kids who are now successful. We have read a lot of stories.

    It is just the way it is...our adults who totally turn it around do not have a change of heart while living with us, being pushed by us, getting money from us. That may give temporary moments of them trying a bit harder to please you do that you will help them more in whatever way they wish to manipulate you. It leads to disappoint.

    They only actually adult, jobs, living space and all seems to be once we are done. Very done. But That sounds harsh and you may think "He or she needs me and will die if I step away."

    They can die anyway. We can't have the power to keep anyone alive and we want to see our adults functioning like adults. Then we can't treat them like the cute little kids they once were. Society sees grown adults, some of our adult kids sadly dressing and trying ti copy thug teenagers. Why??? They need to stand alone with only our love and emotional support, nothing else. THAT is the time they tend to shock us and turn around, if they are going to do better. Or when they move far from us. That can also help. A lack of being a step from a safe haven.

    The holding back factor is us. We stop them by our rescues.

    If they can navigate buying drugs, couch surfing, charming people....they have the potential to succeed in sales! They CAN work and succeed selling things! At the very least they can flip burgers. They can work. Adulting means they do the same as most others their ages. What were you doing at their ages? Why can't they do it?

    My son has autism. He works. He pays his own bills without money from us. He feels good about himself. The adults I know through my son's bowling league, all with challenges, some in wheelchairs, have at least part time jobs and live on that plus Social Security. Very few live with Mom. They are strong and proud as a group. Some get a little help from caregivers sometimes, but Mom doesn't do it, except in a very few cases. And you can tell the difference. One 35 year old lives with Mom, always has. Her mother is sick and in a wheel chair and is not going to live forever. Then what? She is the only caregiver this woman ever had. Is this good for her? Mom doesn't let her go to dances or be around boys yet her disabilities would not preclude her from normal relationships. But Mom has to follow her everywhere. It is not necessary. But she does work.But

    Meanwhile many of us start out enabling and caring for perfectly able bodied adults who have far less issues than the truly disabled. Our adults clearly work out complicated drug deals with dangerous people and find a way to survive on the streets, mostly their choice. But they will put on quite a fit of hysteria when they want us to contribute our money for drugs, although they call it food or a room etc. We buy them cars so they can drive to and from their drug dealers drug houses and drive intoxicated. Our kids are also gifted actors.

    We get a bit nuts buying what they are selling, but it doesn't work.

    Unless we stop Mommying, they don't start adulting. They may not, even if we stop Mommying, but on this forum, any other path is not successful; there is no success rate all. THEY have to do it. Usually they do it without even telling us at first.

    The FOG is powerful, but not effective for any of us.

    Anyone, this is what I have seen here for years, story after story. I wanted to share and explain.

    Good luck moving forward. And do move forward. So that he or she has a fighting chance. You and your adult are not one person, even if you feel like it. Feelings aren't facts. They deceive. You can't walk this path with another. Your love doesn't save them. It is much harder to get out of their way and watch, or do little contact, but THAT is what has the best odds from all I have read here.

    Go forward and let go ;)
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2017
  18. LeaMac

    LeaMac New Member

    Thanks! She called again from rehab. She wants me to come get her next week to take her to a hearing with Children and Youth? Not sure if this is legit, but I have decided not to. I am actually a little scared to be alone with her, just for the drama if nothing else. I figure if there is an actual hearing, then CYS can fetch her or understand that she is in rehab and can’t be present.
    Every time I read this site and all the advice here, I feel a little stronger, a little freer, and relieved. Like it’s okay to do what my husband and I want and not feel guilty or selfish anymore.
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  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There is no way you are selfish. You have tried everything. You do not have to do whatever your daughter wants to still be a good person. In fact, sometimes it is more unselfish to let them on their own, even though it doesn't always feel that way in the moment.

    It is kind and caring and VERY hard for us to let them handle difficult situations of their doing by themselves. They must learn not to depend on us.

    If you are afraid to be stuck in a car with her, that is her fault and you shouldn't put yourself at risk.
  20. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I agree with all of the wonderful advice above. It wasn't until I changed that son started to make significant changes. It is so hard to let go, but in reality you are saving not only yourself but her as well. Sadly it took me a long long time to get to that point. You will too when you are ready! Hugs!