pregnant difficult child need advise

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Masta, Feb 2, 2008.

  1. Masta

    Masta Member

    I rarely log on but I do lurk often to keep up with everyone lives.

    I have a major problem on my hands. I don’t know if many of u know my story… I will give u a brief run down. My 19yr difficult child has been a handful all of her life. When she was in 9th grade I had her placed in a short term Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 6mths. Upon release she became unbearable. I signed her voluntarily over to foster care. She ran a muck and had everyone snowed with her lies. Her fostermom finally caught onto my difficult children ways just before she asked to be release from care because she found out she was pregnant to the idiot she married.

    difficult child burned the bridges between forstermom, her nice dcfs worker and myself. She triangulates everyone by playing the victim and pits one person against the other. Upon her release she had her new inlaws on her side (all they seen her for was her money) this happened june 07. sept 07 difficult child got married to her hubby. Fostermom and dcfs worker still care about difficult child, but from a distance like I do.

    My 19yr difficult child who is now 36 weeks pregnant wants to divorce her deadbeat husband of 4 months. Her hubby is a juvie sex offender who was incarcerated for 4yrs due to his offense and not complying with the judges orders to participate in programs. He comes from a family where his parents used to be hard core druggies who lie every day to get by. They live off gov. handouts and barely work. They get consistent help from their church then waste their gov money of frivolous junk coz they aren’t stable people. They cry poor just days after they have blown their money and rely on handouts to make it till their next check. difficult children hubbys mom has serious mental health issues. she oversteps all boundaries.

    Back to my daughter: she can see there is no hope staying with her hubby, he has serious mental health & financial problems. He views porn, locks himself in their bathroom and texts some girl he works with. He cant hold a job for very long and has used my daughter name to get approx $800 in debt.

    My daughter now wants to move home with us and keep her baby. We have decided we cannot have her live with us coz we like the peace and don’t want to go thru the dramas she creates on a consistent basis.

    Before she hooked up with this looser she just graduated. Her hubby finished 11th grade, works at walmart. He was just released from custody when they met.

    For the babies sake the best thing is for it to be adopted so it doesn’t have to live with 2 parents who cant look after themselves. She is 19 he is 18. I do not want to raise her baby. Im done raising kids.

    What help is out there for single moms? We cant have her move back with us. She is currently living in an apt with her hubby approx 15 mins from me.

    I need advise.
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Has she decided for sure that she will adopt the baby? If so there are many, many organizations that will care for her all the way through her pregnancy, up until the baby is delivered.
    Weren't the bio dads family the ones adamant about keeping the baby though? They were already buying the child clothes and stuff? Have they backed down from that, hopefully?
  3. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Masta,
    I remember you and your story from a few months ago. I am so sorry things have not gone well and I guess I don't have much advice but do want you to know I understand completely the position you are in. My difficult child has miscarried several times and I was grateful as I did not think she and boyfriend would be good parents and I was not going to raise another child.

    I am sure there is help out there for single moms. When difficult child was pregnant I was seeing a therapist and she knew of all sorts of programs for single moms had difficult child carried the child and been on her own. I expect you could contact your dept. of social services to get some leads. I know that my difficult child would have gone to the top of the list for section 8 housing, being pregnant and single.

    There is a silver lining in this--your dtr has realized what a deadbeat she is married to and wants to get out of it. I remember his toxic parents--she will be away from them too. This may turn out to be better than you think at this time.

    I'm sure others with more experience will be along with advice soon. I am thinking of you,
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'd move this over to Parent Emiterus. I'm not sure there is any help for single mothers, but she can try social services. This baby should NOT be living with a sexual predator! Good heavens! Actually, it doesn't sound like your daughter will be a very good parent. I don't blame you for not wanting to raise this child, but I hope she decides to give this baby up for adoption. The baby doesn't need the kind of life your daughter will give him or her. (((Hugs)))
  5. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    depending on different criteria, an abused womens agency may be able to access resources or have ideas.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm not sure where you're located.

    But there is low income housing. Welfare usually will cover the medical for a pregnant woman, even if she doesn't qualify for actual welfare benefits. However, I'd have her check into those benefits cuz most states give you a 2 yr period of use. WIC will assisted with purchasing milk, eggs, cheese, peanutbutter, ect and then formula and cereal after baby is born. Many states help with the cost of child care. Our state will even assist with up to 4000.00 toward a car if you're working or going to school full time.

    Nichole is currently using the medication insurance (well baby program) even though Aubrey doesn't need it cuz boyfriend pays for her insur, she's on WIC, and welfare pays her daycare while she goes to school. As soon as she gets her license she's signing up for the car thing.

    If she is on medications, she needs to see the psychiatrist immediately to get off of them. Most are dangerous to the fetus.

    Sending warm and gentle been there done that hugs. It's her decision whether or not to keep the baby. You have no obligation to raise it. But you can give her plenty of moral and emotional support along the way. And I'll be saying prayers that it sets her onto the right path the way it did for Nichole.

  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    You can check your state's welfare services. Everything Lisa said is true. There is low income housing or Section 8, which will pay almost all the rent or is considered subsidized housing should she choose to not live in a welfare community. She will be eligible for WIC up to a certain point after the baby is born, but usually WIC is available until the child's 6th birthday. She will be eligible for food stamps and state health care as well.

    In most phone books there is a mid-section called the BLUE pages and it will have the name, numbers and addresses for all public assistance related organizations. She also can contact a women's shelter and ask them for resources in her area. She can also contact the YMCA and the YWCA and CAtholic Charities and her local church's outreach center for more resources.

    Has she discussed with you the possibility of giving the baby up for adoption? If she does, she will be wiping her slate clean and have a much better shot at a new life without the loser H and his wacked out family. I remember the story well also and can totally understand why you'd like to keep all her drama at arm's length. However, I do think it's GREAT that she's ready and willing to get away from him and his family.

    Sending warm and gentle hugs - I hope things work out for all.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If she has decided to make an adoption plan for the baby there is much help available. She should immediately check into private adoption agencies in her area and determine what living arrangements are available. Her living arranegments will be paid for, and any other incidental expenses as long as they are related to the pregnancy. If there are any medical expenses they will be covered also.

    She can also choose the adoptive family from prospective adoptive parents.

  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Welcome back, Masta. I do remember this story from last autumn, and your other adventures with difficult child, as well.

    I'm also wondering if she is the one wanting to adopt the baby. I'm sure his family looks at the baby as another welfare check. I hope that she will decide to adopt the baby out. She's not ready to be a mom, the environment is not safe for the baby, and you shouldn't raise her child because she's too fickle to be a mom.

    Good luck and let us know more info about the adoption idea? There are lot's of options that won't involve you if that is her plan.
  10. Masta

    Masta Member

    im sorry if I posted in the wrong forum, please send this over to PE.

    Glad some of you remember my story. You are correct in thinking my difficult child has the crazy mother-in-law who bought baby stuff before difficult child even found out she was pregnant. This same mother-in-law went up to difficult children honeymoon suite that I paid for with her son to check it out while difficult child sat in the car on their honeymoon night.

    difficult child does not want to give the baby up for adoption. She believes no-one will love her baby as much as she does. We all know different.

    I have planned a meeting at my house tomorrow evening. foster care worker, foster mom, 2 sister-in-law's who have been divorced and have adopted a child out and myself and hubby plus difficult child will all meet to discuss her situation.

    difficult children old foster care worker is suggesting that my difficult child go to a women's shelter. They would give difficult child the counseling she needs as well as tools to help her make the right decisions. The women's shelters doesn't play along with difficult child being a victim, they are very up front in directing her on what she has to do to fix her life including helping her with public housing etc. Foster care worker will explain to difficult child she has burnt bridges and that we cannot keep rescuing her from bad choices she makes. She needs to stand on her own 2 feet and get herself out of this mess. The shelter can tell her how to do it. Foster care worker will also discuss options if difficult child wants to keep this baby and how its best to adopt it out.

    i don't know the laws, gov benefits of the united states, im originally from Australia. i will need to look into advising her on an annulment/divorce.

    adoption would make her slate clean. i know how hard it was having 3 kids to a lunatic myself. Mentally, emotionally and financially difficult child is not ready to be a mom.

    I don't know how to tell her its best that she go live at a shelter when we have a nice home here. All bedrooms here are taken, my boys could bunk up, but then we would be right back where we left off 3yrs ago with her and her dramas. If I don't offer her my home she will feel we aren't there for her 100%.

    I don't know how to handle this situation.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hey masta,

    Hi and welcome back - I remember you from long time ago. Sorry to hear things have not improved any.

    If she can be talked into adopting the baby - she can get with any adoption agency -open phone book yellow pages to adoption and she can pretty much pick and choose where she'll go, and what she wants.

    I think this is the best idea too - he's never going to leave her alone and with a baby it will be worse - but he has to sign his rights over too and I think THAT is going to be the struggle she faces. As the father irregardless of his situation or being incapable - he has rights - if she puts the baby up for adoption - he can contest it.

    Best of luck - wish you would have been able to come back under a happier note.

  12. PersonalEnigma

    PersonalEnigma New Member

    I agree that adoption is the best option. I would do everything I could to help difficult child make that decision.

    To be honest though, if she would not agree to adoption I would take the baby myself to raise. I could not in good conscience let the baby get raised by its father or the father's family knowing the history and difficult child does not seem to be in any position to raise it either. I would get difficult child to sign over all custody of the baby to me and raise it, allowing her visitation if/when she is able to stick to some better lifestyle requirements. I do understand you not wanting to take on a new baby, but I also couldn't just let the baby be caught up in a situation that it does not deserve just because of difficult child's bad choices.
  13. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member


    Sending you many gentle hugs. :( Sometimes not offering your home IS being there for them 100%. As hurtful as that may seem to both you and your difficult child. :(

    It sounds like you have a plan. All you can do is offer ideas, alternatives, solutions. Your difficult child will have to make the decision and if she decides to keep the baby then she will have to decide how to care for it on her own. I don't mean to sound harsh but I do understand not wanting the daily drama again, and now it would include a new little life. :(

    It is hard enough watching our difficult children make bad choices for themselves, I can only imagine how hard it would be to watch if a little one was involved in those choices too. :(

    Saying prayers for you all.

  14. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{Masta}} I know this must just be so difficult for you. By instinct our first inclincation is to swoop in and rescue, but you've learned you can't do that. I commend you (and am just a little envious) of your efforts to help her yet keep her at arm's length. By making her do for herself, you're helping her the best way possible!

    Please come back and let us know how the meeting goes. Sending hugs~
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry it is coming down like this...sigh.

    I was also thinking like Star that adoption is going to be a mess because dear old daddy is going to fight it in signing away his rights. Now a judge could probably force it because of his legal problems but it would take time.

    Boy the messes our kids get themselves into!

    She is still going to be in a real mess because she is going to need a good legal aid lawyer to get her divorce and custody of that baby in the long run. Or whoever takes on the baby will. That poor kid. Maybe the baby will cause difficult child to turn around for the better. One can hope.
  16. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    There is a great book called "Pregnant? Adoption is an Option" It might be helpful for you & foster case worker to read before you meet with difficult child. It is written from the potential birthmother's point of view.

    If you decide to adopt/take guardianship of the baby, please be sure to do it according to your state laws (as opposed to an informal agreement) or she could use the baby in a tug-of-war with you.
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Long time no see, Masta. Sorry it's gotten worse instead of better for your family. With an unstable difficult child and extended very unstable family on the paternal side I believe it would be in the best interest of the baby to be adopted by an unrelated family. As much as you might love the baby
    I know from life experiences that the lst baby is followed by a second and the next thing your whole future is determined by your difficult children sexual
    choices. Not a good scene for anyone...especially the baby. Hugs. DDD
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Oh, Masta, what fun (not). It's amazing what life throws at us sometimes.

    She's made some bad choices, but this is where she is. I do think you need, at this meeting, to just focus on spreading out in front of everybody, the full spectrum of options and not insist n a decision now. A lot of those options are going to have very BIG catches attached to them.

    I understand the push to adopt the baby out, but hr hubby's family are likely to be sticky about this. A baby, to someone dysfunctional, means unconditional love and a chance at a new beginning. They don't consider the hard work and the responsibility, they get caught up in the romance of it all (like mother in law buying baby clothes). Any hint that this will be taken away - they will use the full extent of the law, every trick in the book, to stop that from happening.

    I suspect that any attempt to sign away her rights could result in the father stepping in and insisting that HE hasn't signed away any rights, therefore the baby is his.
    [a question - how many other babies has he fathered?]
    This would include not only adoption, but if she signs away rights to you, her mother. Frankly, the only option I see to (for the moment at least) avoid THAT complication, is for her to live with you.

    However, I do see that this also is not a good idea. Once someone leaves home, they can never go back. Because when they do, 'home' has changed and moved on, and so have they. They aren't really back 'home', they're already an outsider. But if she comes back in thinking she has the same baggage, can do things the same way - it will be nasty. The goal posts have now moved, the game rules have changed.

    Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. If she moves back in with you, it will be difficult for all with a new baby's needs being paramount. SHE must first learn independently how to care for her baby, so she feels some ownership, some sense of personal responsibility. From her point of view, if she moves in with you before the birth (or straight from the hospital), the baby is never really going to be hers because she will be expecting YOU to run round after her and the baby. Old habits. You could say to her, "It's very difficult to come back home after you've been independent for so long, it won't be fair on you." (whatever it takes to persuade her not to).

    BUT - if she goes to a shelter from the hospital (and this would require, I think, her to have been in the shelter before the birth), then she will have a chance to learn for herself what to do and how to cope (and whether she can or not). If she then came home (with strict conditions) the outcome might be better.

    If she is totally unwilling at this stage to consider adoption or even fostering, then anything you say will drive a wedge that right now, you don't need. It could push her back to her husband's family (who at least agree with her on this). Also, with their opposition to it, I think you would have a bunfight on your hands if she tried to adopt him out (what I said before).

    Somethings need to be sorted out, inside difficult child.
    Why did she allow herself to fall pregnant? For a lot of young girls, it's the romance of it all, it's the drive to be productive in SOME way, it's wanting someone who will love them unconditionally. Their concept of 'love' is not what we necessarily think it is and it's not necessarily healthy. They can be exceptionally needy and then rely on a baby to fulfil those needs (because a partner is never good enough - they make bad choices in partners to begin with, due to their lack of self-esteem and their previous bad choices).
    If you take away the baby of someone like this, they just go ahead and have another. It's not necessarily a conscious decision. But that empty hole inside her is going to need to be filled, and up until now, she's been trying to fill it with poor choices (bad boyfriend; getting pregnant).

    She does need to know what she's in for. She also needs to know she HAS to step up to the plate, or if she can't handle it she has to be able to cope with the hassles of handing the baby over. But SHE has to make these choices. No way should she be able to come back later and say, "You all MADE me do this," SHE must be in no doubt as to owning whatever decision is made.

    I'm remembering the "Dr Phil family" episodes and all the murk that lay beneath the surface in that family, that needed to be dealt with in order to have a positive outcome. A situation like this is like an iceberg - what you see on the surface is only a hint of what lies beneath, which is much bigger and can cause disasters. And even as an iceberg is melting, it can suddenly flip and roll over, showing you a glimpse of what was underneath and bringing it all to the surface at the worst possible time.

    Honey, you're going to need help with this one. Legal help, and emotional help.

    Do keep us posted on how things go.

  19. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I wish I had the answer on how you handle this, but I don't. Your meeting sounds like an excellent start though, and I would proceed from there. in my opinion, you need to sever any guilt you may have about not being there for difficult child or baby - it is not productive. I so understand you not wanting to take back on parenting difficult child, or a new baby.........and guilt should not be the reason you change your mind, or decide any differently but the direction your gut is leading you.

    You have my support, and I am sending you strength, in whatever avenue you choose. I, for one, can never imagine raising another child. Not because I don't love children - but perhaps because I love too much. It would be the last nail in my coffin, and I know that. If difficult child ever impregnates someone and the mom or him is not capable of raising it, I will not be in the picture. As harsh as that sounds, I have given difficult child all I have, and more. There is nothing left. That is also how I feel about the day he moves out - that day, when it comes - will represent finality. I, for my own sake, will need to know he will never come back. Perhaps it is the same for you.
  20. mom23gsfg

    mom23gsfg New Member

    this is a touchy subject for me at the moment as my 16 yr old daughter stephanie is currently 5 mo pregnant. i was also a very young mother and i was also a difficult child. due to my illness and home problems when i was younger but thats another story.
    but, has anyone thought that maybe this baby could turn her life around? thats what it took for me. i stopped caring about my own bratty wants and started thinking about hers. and tried to make a life for myself instead of the road i was taking. in my opinion life happens for a reason and it a gift from god no matter how it got here, who knows she could turn out to be a good mother.
    ive watched my own former difficult child turn from a rebellious girl into a smart effiecient young lady even if she is young. this has made her grow up alot. she is still in school and working and before she was even 2 1/2 mo along she had already bought enough baby stuff for the baby for the next year. and she continues to but for him/her. and luckily her fiance (they are getting married this weekend and not because of the baby but they have been engaged for a while before this)he is standing by her .which most young fathers would have hit the road by now.they are saving his paycheck for their home and etc.
    and believe me it was a shock at first but i was willing to take this child on from the moment i found out.
    there are services that will help her if she wants to keep this baby. mentors will come to her home and help her adjust to being a mom. they will also give her parenting classes and etc. the resources are long and wide.
    jmho but i think if she got away from her hub she would be better off and maybe turn her life around. but i really dont know your daughter so who can say what will happen.?
    in my humble opinion though i think maybe giving this baby up could make her life misserable. i know youve got to do whats best for the baby at this time but i would honestly let her make up her own mind and just offer any support i could. even if it was raising baby yourself. i honestly believe that you could possibly regret it if she gave him/her up and you didnt take him/her.
    i hope i didnt offend you, but im just sharing my honest oppinion and my experience. but all difficult children dont turn around ,as i well know. and im not the person that has to live your life or deal with the consiquinces of her actions. so you just have to do what is best for you and your family.
    good luck