Probably worst day of my life...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CareTooMuch, Jun 15, 2018.

  1. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    Today was the day when my father, who I have been close to my entire life, told me that I was signing my son's death certificate today. DS,who is 20 got his third and last chance with a judge yesterday to complete community service. My mother has begged me to give him several chances, and again, last night I agreed to take DS to community service every day until he completed it. He again gave an excuse not to go again this morning, and I told him I would not be taking him anymore After I got to work I texts him that I would take him to your the afternoon session and he choose to be angry with me and not g, instead went out to hang out with a friend. I text him (this has been going on for for over a year) that if he didn't go he would not be welcome in the our home again. He chose to leave. My parents came over to help make sure I was safe while he was picking up his things, and my father, who was in the attorney general's office his entire career told me that he would go to jail if he didn't complete community service and I was signing his death warrant by making him leave I am heartbroken on so many fronts ..
     
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Your father is being dramatic and unfair. How on Earth are you signing his death warrant by making him face the natural consequences a young man faces when he not only breaks the law but refuses to follow court orders? Jail will not kill him, if he chooses to go. He chooses to go if he refuses to listen to the Judge. He has a choice. He sounds very defiant and entitled.

    Perhaps Dad would like to house him, drive him around and keep him on the straight parh ( as if he could!) Maybe you should find other people to help you out rather than Dad and Mom. What your dad said was meant to scare you into doing what he wants you to do regarding your son. You don't need or deserve that.

    Since you son can't drive I assume his license was taken away due to drugs or a DUI. Whatever is going on, I am sorry. You will talk to many people here who know exactly what you are going through. I made my drug abusing daughter leave when she abused drugs and would not accept help. I had two littles and they were scared of her and we were fed up. She didn't die. She quit drugs! It has been 12 years or so. She is doing great. Your son can turn it around too if he wants to.

    Please remember to take care of yourself and don't let anyone bully you, not even your parents. You need to teach your son to be the man he is, not your slave, driving him around when he doesn't want to go. You are doing all you can, just like all of us do or did.

    Love and light!
     
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  3. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    Somewhere, thank you, I needed that I have put my life in hold for over a year and he's not ready to take responsibility. He does feel entitled even though we have been careful to make him take responsibility for his like He had a happy childhood and worked for most of his extras throughout older teens. Something turned probably drugs and adhd after 18 and he's not done well since. I will not take responsibility for his choices, I have tried to help him without smothering or enabling. But he doesn't want to help himself, he's not ready. Maybe my parents are going to help him, I have no idea, but if so they will feel the loss that I feel now. It's going to be hard to forgive my dad though.
     
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  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Since his grandpa was the AG and has seen all the things that could happen if he keeps going down this path, then why didn't he have a serious talk with your son and put the fear of God into him? Maybe your son thinks grandpa has connections and can get him off the hook if he doesn't complete his community service. I think your son is making this situation harder than it is. He needs to use community service to his advantage, primarily to avoid jail, but also he could meet people who might help him find a job. Community service can help people figure out what their interests are and what they're good at.
     
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  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Welcome care.

    I think your dad might have been overwrought. I think his name should be caretoomuch. If it was me I might turn the other cheek. But I believe he is wrong, from what you write.

    Not because the worst could not happen. It could for each of us.

    What you have been doing is not working. If you keep doing it he could get worse.

    If you let him face the consequences, he could get worse.

    You see. There is no right answer in terms of consequences. Because they will do what they do no matter what choice we make. We cannot make a right choice if we define that as what will yield the desired result. Because they hold 100 percent of the power and responsibility.

    We can only make the right choice in terms of our values and goals. Which is really hard. Because we want them clean and productive. But we want them alive even more.

    I go back and forth with this.

    Nothing I do is right. Because my son does not choose how I want and wish he would. There is not one thing I can do to effect his behavior. Not one thing.

    But I keep trying to do the right thing.

    I keep choosing the best I can. Remembering that nothing I do will influence the result.

    My SO hearing this got mad. He hears it as saying I am stopping my struggle. He says I have to keep holding the line. Setting limits that would be the best for him, and for me, regardless of the result. Hypothetically, I agree.

    But I am like your dad. I fear that something I do will push him to greater vulnerability.

    But as I type this i realize that if I act to take away consequences, I deprive him of the opportunity to choose well. To decide for the best, for himself. To be soft with him is to say, it's okay to just do nothing, be nothing, want nothing, indulge yourself, help no one, etc.

    This is hard.
     
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  6. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    What is with these kids? I don't care if they are 20 they act like bratty 5 year olds that are only going to do what they want. Your son sounds just like mine..OMG..I want to go back in time and give some good old fashioned spankings instead of "talking about it" Maybe if these entitled brats (my son is king of manipulative brats) knew what it felt like to be uncomfortable when they were little they would be more apt to be more respectful and adult now.
    I feel very bad for you that you dad said what he did to you. He sounds like he was manipulating you too, like your heart isn't broken already?
    I read posts on this board and these difficult/manipulative people make me so angry and I think , why ,oh why do we put up with this and why do we miss they brats when they move out? Whether we tell them to leave or they leave on their own accord they still blame us and it all becomes our fault. And maybe it is our fault. we put up with it to begin with but it has to end sometime so why not now?
     
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  7. Mumunderfire

    Mumunderfire New Member

    Hi care to much. What your mum and dad want is for him to make the right decision and do his community service. Nothing you do or don't do is going to bring that about. The only thing that will make it happen is him.
    It's shame you have fallen out with your dad about it. These difficult people put such a strain on everyone's lives. He's is probably overwrought and still not wanting to accept the stark fact that the only person who can turn this round, won't. We all resist that reality at least a bit because there is no comfort in it. I have had similar from my parents. It's coming from a place of love but those of us who are on the front front line day in day out truly dedicated to winning the battle have to ditch a lot of nice parenty things that would make us feel better. It's totally altruistic in the truest sense of the word what you did for your son. You feel crap you feel guilt it was very hard I don't think anyone can say it was for your benefit!
    You have done a good thing you are being a good parent hang in there.
     
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  8. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    Thanks everyone, this is a hard road and no one can really know the right decision at the right time. We're only human and do our best. I will always adore my son, that person a few years ago I actually had a good relationship with. That loving and nice person. The person in his body now is manipulative and mean, I've been his figurative punching bag for the last year. I truly think I've done everything I humanly possible to support him finding his way, but he isn't ready yet. As far as my father... We'll see, it will take some time for me to forgive him. And gosh forbid something does happen to him then I guess our relationship is trash too. Thanks for listening
     
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  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hon you can't reason with somebody on drugs if that is it. And wouldn't it be nice if those who are theoretically supposed to support us actually did? That doesn't always happen.

    I hope you can think of something nice to do for YOU today,away from your son and parents. You need a chance to think without them manipulating you in your head. You need peace like everyone else. And support. If your son is involved with drugs, I recommend trying Al Anon or NarAnon to help you. Help YOU. Because you can only help you, not anyone else.

    Hugs!!
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2018
  10. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    WOW..I feel like I am reading my own words. Where is my boy? Is he still in there? A grown-up version is fine but not the version that is in his body now.
     
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  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Maybe your father has seen some examples where when a son was kicked out of the home, something very bad happened.

    He cares and is very worried.

    But this type of very bad result is actually probably a rarity in reality.(Although, sadly, a possibility)

    Your son probably needs a good wake up call and a nice dose of natural consequences.

    The others have said it well.

    Hang in there...this sounds very hard.
     
  12. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    BULL EFFING CRAP!!! Sorry, but your father might have years of experience in the AG's office but I have 26 years experience in the Department of Corrections. Will your son probably go to jail if he doesn't complete his community service? Yes. Do offenders die while incarcerated? Yes, on occasion. We apparently had one die while I was on vacation last week. Offenders are saying it was heat related but realistically, it was probably drugs. That is the most common cause of death in Corrections, drug overdose. Not being stabbed to death although, in all honesty, that does happen on the rare occasion as well.

    More importantly, your son is a grown man. He has made his decision and until he faces the consequences of his childish and selfish actions, he will continue to do these things. Your father defending him and trying to protect him from those consequences is far more damaging in the long run because the longer this is allowed to go on, the worse his actions will be and the longer prison time he will likely be facing.

    Sorry if I started off a bit intense, but I'm tired of people demonizing the Department of Corrections when they truly have NO idea what goes on here. Especially when its people who should have some clue about how things actually work here. Your father needs to take off the rose colored glasses he's looking at his grand child with and see the man who is probably acting just like the majority that he see's in court through his job.
     
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  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    CareTooMuch:

    Welcome and I concur that you are doing the right thing by not letting your son live with you if he isn't following house rules.

    We all love our children and would welcome them a home if they are doing the right thing and bettering themselves. I know I would be the first to sign up!

    Don't let anyone guilt you in to doing what you know in your heart is right for YOU. When we reach the point of making our children leave, it isn't something we take lightly or do on a whim without many sleepless nights and tears and soul searching.

    You can't wait until HE is ready to change. It doesn't work that way. YOU are ready for a change so you must lead that change.

    Good luck and keep posting. We.get.it.
     
  14. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    Thanks so much everyone, this is the hardest thing my husband and I have ever gone through, and we would give anything for him to mature and realize what's happening in his life but he's obviously not ready. I was able to leave town for a few days which gave me a little time to cool out and reflect. Right after I got home a lovely woman from our local police family crisis unit called and we had a great conversation. She essentially said no one should allow someone else to wreck their house and their emotional well being. She also said we have planted seeds and sometimes they root, sometimes they don't, and sometimes it just takes longer. I will try to live my life without constant worry and let my parents do that now if that's what they choose. But I don't know if our relationship will ever be the same, and that's just as hard as losing our son.
     
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  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Care

    Don't write the end of the story.

    I learned that here. Your son is very young and you cannot in any way predict the outcome of this.

    Our son is doing well now and if you had told me that he would stay sober this long and do the things he's doing I never would have believed it.

    Don't ever give up hope. That is all that we have.
     
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  16. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    RN, you are right, I definitely have hope that one day we'll have a relationship with ds. He is young and if he can get through this time in his life and get healthy I do believe he can get his life back on track. I'm not as sure about my relationship with my parents. I know they were distraught but they so overstepped their boundaries that I at least know I will never be able to confide in them the way I have my entire life, and that's so sad. We were good friends and awesome support for one another.
     
  17. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    That is very unfortunate but remember, it may not be forever either. Maybe, when they are looking at the situation rationally instead of as Grandparents, they might realize their mistake.
     
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  18. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I agree completely. Their fears are understandable. I'm sure you've had them yourself. But they are much too close...and as the parent, sometimes we have to make the painful choices that grandparents don't have to make anymore. They need to respect your decision. You are the one living this every day.

    It sounds like your son is refusing to acknowledge the seriousness of his situation, and perhaps he needs to have that brought home. Better now than when he is facing down more serious crimes and thinking the rules don't apply to him.

    I can't help but wonder how many times your dad refused to prosecute someone ignoring community service requirements because he didn't want to give them a "death sentence?"
     
  19. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    Yes, exactly. We've lived this for over a year and tried to help him understand the seriousness in every way possible. I've spent hours upon hours changing my schedule to help support him to complete community service. He just doesn't seem to respect us, the police, or the court system no matter what we do or say.

    We have had police say the same thing to us, and as scary as facing hard consequences is now, his future is way more important and he just doesn't get it yet.

    My father didn't work with these types of cases. I know my parents are petrified that their grandson has made the choice so far to not take this seriously, but he is never going to take the law seriously if he is enabled not to grow up and see his actions create huge problems in his life. And honestly, I expect any day he will be arrested for other infractions, and this is just the start of a very difficult life for himself.
     
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  20. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Grandparents don't live the hard part. I am a Grammy to an almost four year old who can be emotional and defiant and when my daughter disciplines her, I feel like crying myself and sometimes I want to say " that is too harsh."

    I don't say it. Yet. Hope I never do. After all, she is a loving mother and I get to leave. But it is in many grandparents nature to just want to love and spoil.

    That isn't your problem. If grandparents raised their grandchildren I think we would revert to being second parents. Bit we are older and our grands are so much younger....we often are too soft. That I know so I keep quiet. But some grandparents can't or won't and say things out of love but there is no reason to belittle your own child who is struggling, trying to do his or her best.

    You need to do what you know is right. You are an adult and no longer need to please your parents. This causes strife at times and that is always sad.

    We have to do what we have to do. Things can and often do get better with time.

    Love and light