Reality check

Nessie

Member
My son has been bailed until the end of November but he has to sign a legal form to say he has declined to release the pass code for his mobile to the police, this needs to be done by Wednesday. He was arrested a month ago but has yet to seek any legal advice and just seems to be burying his head in the sand. If I try to discuss this with him he just says he doesn't want to talk about it-neither do I but I would like to have some idea about what sentence he may have to serve. I've offered to go with him but he has done nothing.

It's the same with his doctor appointments. He leaves everything until the last minute and then either myself or my mum end up having to drive him often to the disruption of our own lives. He just doesn't seem to be able to manage anything. I know I (and my mum) should just let him get on with it but if we do we will end up picking up the pieces. Why do our adult children have no grasp of reality? He really does make me despair.
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
The only one who can turn his life around (thus pick up the pieces) is your son. The more you feel sorry for him, do for him, and bail him out of his own messes the less motivation he will have to change. His reality, his TRUE reality is that he doesnt have to get his act together because you will do it for him. So he is lazy about it to the tune of no consequences.

The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and to expect a different result. Your son will stay exactly the same unless YOU and your mother stop chasing after him, doing things for him and protecting him. You can keep him out of jail (for now), but he wont stop using drugs or grow up...not with no incentive. It hasnt changed him yet. And if he keeps this up, he will end up in prison no matter what you do.

This is up to you, of course. But if nothing changes, nothing will change. I hope you start therapy to help YOU. In the end, this son hurts your entire family and doesnt seem to care how much his behavior hurts everyone.

I would try very hard to get Mother out of this. No elderly person should be a part of this stress.

Love and luck!
 
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Nessie

Member
Whilst my mum is not elderly (60) I completely agree that I would like her and my dad out of it. However, they offered him to stay many times before I actually had to take him as he had nowhere to go.

He is infuriating and I really am starting to see that we are enabling him and it isn't getting us anywhere .
 

Nessie

Member
So today was a crunch day, not the last but one of many I'm sure. After so many tears (mine) he finally made arrangements for legal advice.

I actually feel like I might be going crazy, forgetfulness, trance, crazy ideas. It's like a madness and I can't quite close the door. I am 40 tomorrow and my son is 21 on Friday, he wants to celebrate and I want to crawl away. Today is not good!
 

wisernow

wisernow
Agree fully with SWOT...something must change for change to happen. Despite all of this pain, please go out and have a wonderful birthday! You too need to be honoured for the wonderful person and mother you are!!
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Nessie, you might try contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access them online. They have wonderful courses for us parents that can provide you with guidance, support, resources and information. I found them to be very helpful.

And, happy birthday. Do something nourishing and fun.....grab the day and wring all of the joy out of it!
 
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