Should I step in or back off...

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">as though he WANTS us to stop him in his tracks...

I'm taking this as him asking for limits to be set... </div></div>

He told you that when he was in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I remember when you posted it. Believe him and do it!

Also.......be specific with him. "Fairly soon" is not specific. There is too much room to misinterpret if you are not precise.

Suz

 

[BusynMember]

Although you can't police where your eighteen year olds go all the time, you can make them pay insurance for any use of the car, control how much money you give them (I vote for very little), make them work full time or go to school full time so that they have less "hang out" time, and insist they pay rent and do chores to live at home. It may not work, but, in my opinion, your odds are better than if you just detach and let them do what they want.

 

[ck1]

CAmom: It sounds like you're working this out well with your husband and son. Of course this is new to all of you and there are going to be some trial and errors before you have a good idea about what works and what doesn't (I'll be looking for advice from you when my son returns from placement!!).

I think everywoman is very right to give your son the opportunity to experience the natural consequences of his actions -- good or bad.


Things that I would do differently would be to insist that he sleep at home every night. Midnight is a very reasonable curfew. I've always felt strongly that my son was up to no good when he wanted to sleep at someones house and I've always told him that nothing good happens after midnight!! Also, I would ask for receipts for all purchases. If he's not hiding anything, he shouldn't have a problem with it. That way, also, you can help him budget and show him where his money is going. I never see how much money I waste until I look where it's gone. Unfortunately, then it's already gone, but it helps me make better decisions in the future!

I'm looking forward to reading updates from you and hope that your road ahead isn't too bumpy!

 

[goldenguru]

Joining the discussion a little late ...

I have to agree with the majority that would have a problem with an 18 year old 'hanging out' in lieu of meaningful activity.

If he were mine, he would have 3 options. 1) Full time student/ work part time/no room and board 2)Full time employment and paying some room and board 3)living outside of my home and doing whatever he pleases.

Easy street is over. It's time to be a grown up.

 

[SunnyFlorida]

You and husband might start a time line of your expectations and goals for the future. Things like from now until school starts in January he's got to be working/volunteering 40hrs/week. Once school starts, he does school/work 40hrs/wk. His paycheck could be divided into 50% going towards rent and insurance, 25% for savings and he gets the other 25%. You might try a midnight curfew for 6mo then it could be 12:30.

Give him the boundries with no negotiations for 90days. If he keeps within the boundries then you can consider negotiating on one thing at a time, with the goal being full independence.

A family who used to live next door to us had a a great chore schedule. It consisted of garbage, laundry, yard, dishes, pets, bathrooms, vacuuming, dishwasher. There were 4 people in their family. Every person had two chores and they were rotated every week so every member of the family learned to do them and everyone did them.

 

[DDD]

My easy child son and I figured out that very method for him to use if
he felt it was unwise to stay at a party or spend the night. husband
and I had not been married long when easy child was a teen and husband thought
it was "weird". :hammer: It wasn't "weird" at all. It gave easy child
a way out of a situation he didn't feel he could handle.

I'm smiling now as I recall the "play acting" that sometimes went
with his calls. Ring. Ring. Slightly rough voice "OK Mom, I'm calling like you said I had to!" DDD "Do you think you should come home?" Rough voice "Home??? Why do I have to come HOME?"
DDD "Should I come now?" Rough voice "Can't I stay until midnight?" DDD "OK, pick ya up at midnight."

It worked like a charm even when he was in college and on a date
that he didn't enjoy. Everyone thought I was such a you/know/what. He always just said "Thanks, Mom" when he got home. :smile: I think your son is PCing! DDD

 

[SunnyFlorida]

:hammer: I love it! You are just sooooooooo smart DDD :smile:

Isn't this great CaMom?

 

[CAmom]

Sunny, I agree, DDD, you are SO clever!

I'm beginning to think my son just may have REALLY made some progress! No way, a easy child, but:

He's gotten home on the dot at midnight every single night, no argument, no drama! He usually makes himself something to eat between then and when he goes to bed but has always been fairly quiet. The other night, he was a bit louder than usual--lots of clinking. When I got up the next morning, he had emptied the dishwasher! He's done a few other things without being asked as well.

Last night, there was a Reggae Fest here in town, and, when the subject came up and I asked him if he was going, he said "no" because, apparently, pot is rampant at this sort of concert and he felt that, he just didn't want to risk smoking and getting himself into trouble.

He still says he's going to begin work after the two-week "summer break" he gave himself which means he'll be starting on Tuesday, IF he's serious.

 

[Jen]

I think you can be detached, and at the same time ask for respect.

Lets turn the table, so you were 18 when you had him? Did you do waht you wanted when you wanted, and not let him know where you were going to be, when you would return, if you would be there to pick him up from school, work, a date, or etc? I dontg thinks so. You not only loved your child but respected him, and taught him what respect means.

I dont think you are asking too much.

Jen

 

[BusynMember]

There is no way a child of mine, 18 or 30, would do whatever he wanted to in my home. Unless the child is on his own, fully independent and acting as an adult, he sticks to MY rules. It's a compassionate way of looking at things. These young adults CAN NOT HANDLE the freedom they profess to want "cuz I'm eighteen." I remember my grandma used to say "busy hands are happy hands." I think anyone of any age with too much free time on his hands is far more apt to get into trouble. And young adults who seek stimulation don't do well with "free time" because it's not stimulating so they make their own stimulation. That doesn't mean an adult child can't calm down. My oft-mentioned daughter who was such a horrific drug abuser is so calm now that she expressed boredom with people who drink. "They act so stupid." Um, wow. We've come far.
But she didn't get there overnight, and I don't think anyone changes that much overnight. I think it takes a long time. For some, they will spend a lifetime fighting the need to find stimulation and redirecting them towards POSITIVE stimulation, in my opinion, is the key to better odds. Working hard can be VERY stimulating. Saving for a car is a goal to look forward to. Sweating while you fix up your room, painting and all, is gratifying. Volunteering your services to help others is gratifying too, but for difficult children I recommend a paying job, without it being for a family member because they know they have it easier. I think difficult child's enjoy making money; they may need help budgeting it for useful purposes. Anyways, that's my final .2 :smile:

 

[CAmom]

MM, thanks for that FINAL .02! :smile: and to everyone else for their input.

My son has this strange compulsion (only thing I can think to call it...) at times where he simply HAS to at least feel that he has the upper hand, i.e., I would say, "We need to leave at 10:45" to which he would respond, "ten-forty-EIGHT!"

This last two weeks since he's been home have been like an odd dance whereby my husband and I take a small step in one direction, and our son responds in counterpoint. It's been difficult because a child left our home and an adult (at least legally...) returned. Some of the rules and expectations we had of him and he had of us in the past are no longer relavent, so we're all learning to redefine our relationships.

Despite his blustering, which has been surprisingly infrequent, I think we're coming along fairly well. As he promised, he's beginning work today. I agree with you all that working for his dad might not be the greatest idea. However, we all sat down last night, and my husband laid out his "policies," so our son knows what his dad's expectations are. As I've said before, neither of us feel that our son is going to be working for his dad for long, but my husband feels he should at least have the opportunity to join his business and, hopefully, take it over one day.

He also continues to be home by midnight--the curfew he put upon himself and to which we agreed. He continues to keep his room relatively clean, has been respectful (haven't heard the F-word once during the entire two weeks he's been home when he used it in every sentence last summer...), and will do little things to help around the house without being asked. I've been tracking his checking account online, and he still has most of the money he started with, the rest being spent in fast-food type restaurants and on clothing.

I also don't believe that people change overnight or even at all, at least not on any core-type level, but, the program our son was in was VERY much behavior-modification-oriented, and it appears that some of this "stuck," i.e., the elimination of the profanity, noticing when something around the house needs to be done, doing things for oneself, etc.

So, although things are far from perfect, compared to life in our home last summer, this is heaven.

 

[BusynMember]

CAMom (I don't know your real name), do you know how popular you are? LOL. Look at all the answers to your posts! I think many of us like you...lol. I do. You love your son so much. I am pulling for your family with everything I have--sending all my prayers.

 

[CAmom]

Midwest, thank you for those kind words! And, I'm Adrienne...no good reason to stay "anon," really.

I don't think there's a mom (or dad...) on these boards who DOESN'T desperately love their child/ren. Otherwise, why the heck are we all sitting here staring at a computer screen, writing volumes about the ins and outs of our lives with our "difficult child's" when we could be out doing a million other fun things! Well, one reason for me is that all the kind words (and harsh when need be...) and prayers mean so much, even though things don't always go how we would like.

My son actually went to work with his dad yesterday as promised. I must say I was very surprised as I really didn't think he'd follow through. On the only other occasion he did so, a few years ago, he was calling me no more than twenty minutes after they left to pick him up because he was bored.

Yesterday, my husband said he was actually quite helpful. The only glitch--he turned to get my son to pass him a tool (my husband has a home and property improvement business) and found him asleep! He chalked it up to their agreed two 10-minute "break" times, suggested he get more sleep, and left it at that. He did say that, towards the end of what ended up being a 6-hour work day, our son started a version of the the are-we-there-yet game, i.e., "Are we almost finished? When are we leaving? What time are we going to be done?" Other than that, he feels things went very well...

 

[DDD]

Fingers crossed. DDD

by the way, if "your" difficult child doesn't want to learn the family business, I
have a very respectful (albiet slightly odd) difficult child who adores fixing things, painting things etc. JFYI (hint) (hint) LOL!

None of our children are interested in our business and I don't blame them. It is GRUNGY and not very lucrative!

 

[CAmom]

DDD, you know what's ironic, our son has NEVER shown the slightest interest in the business! My husband used to work in a three-piece suit and would come home every day, change into shorts, and start tearing down walls for fun. Finally, he traded the suit for shorts and started his own business based on his hobby. However, now that he's scaling back and working shorter weeks and days, our son simply MUST work with his dad, and my husband is basically making a job for him. That said, IF he decides that he's serious about it, he can certainly learn a lot of very useful skills from his dad. Judging by the fact that, after working for only two hours yesterday, he was already sleeping on the job, I'd have to say that his interest is more related to the $$ than learning skills...

 

[Sunlight]

"I don't think there's a mom (or dad...) on these boards who DOESN'T desperately love their child/ren. Otherwise, why the heck are we all sitting here staring at a computer screen, writing volumes about the ins and outs of our lives with our "difficult child's" when we could be out doing a million other fun things! Well, one reason for me is that all the kind words (and harsh when need be...) and prayers mean so much, even though things don't always go how we would like."

Amen

 

[SunnyFlorida]

I think it's great that husband has asked difficult child to come work with him.

Remember...ALL WORK IS HONORABLE

Those of us who don't have a family business wish we had something like that that we could put our difficult child's to work at. At best..he'll like it. At worst, he'll receive an income and decide it's not for him and find something on his own. I also know difficult child's change their mind every 6mo or so.

 

[KFld]

Not much to add right now, just wanted you to know I am following. I've had so much going on myself that I'm just starting to really try and catch up. I'm thinking of you!!

 

[cloudflower]

Hey CaMom~~
Still thinking of you & rootng for you
Slow & steady progress here too...
All the best ~~