Sick to my stomach

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by aud, Jan 14, 2014.

  1. aud

    aud Member

    Well I just received a letter from my son in jail. Im at work but my daughter read it and said it is a really mean letter. I told her to throw it away. The only thing she told me that it said was he will never forgive me for calling the jail and talking to the social worker and the prosecuted. He said he wants nothing to do with me and we can each go our separate ways. I was afraid before and angry now im afraid , feel sick to my stomach and scared.

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  2. diana71

    diana71 Member

    I don't know your story but it sounds like you turned your son in for drugs? My son has a warrant out for violation of probation and I have been considering calling in on him once I find out where he is. I am sure that after some time he will not hate you. My son has told me already that he wants nothing to do with me because I had to kick him out of the house. Give it time. *hugs* I wish I had advise to give you. Stay strong!
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Aud, that is a sucker punch. Often our kids here say mean things to us to hurt us after we do something to protect ourselves and begin the process of detaching from is not uncommon, but of course, it still hurts.
    Perhaps this will be a wake up call for him and saying he wants nothing to do with you might end up being a positive thing for you and your daughter. I hope you followed through with the restraining order and changing of the locks. Many of our kids feel desperate when they are finally confronted with being responsible for their own poor choices, it might be a step in the right direction even though it feels bad now. He beat up your daughter so he deserves to be in jail for that.

    You didn't do anything wrong Aud, he is the one who made the bad choices. I hope you have some kind of a support system for yourself. Family anonymous, NAMI, private therapy, a minister, someone who can nurture and guide you and your daughter through this time. Your son is violent, you must protect yourself. Have you looked into staying elsewhere once he gets out? Do you know when he will get out?

    I believe you are doing the right thing, you are making good choices, stick with it, nothing will change until you change how you respond. Keep posting and get yourself in supportive environments, do kind things for YOU and your daughter............focus on you................hang in there, we're here for you.
  4. aud

    aud Member

    Thanks so much. No need to change locks because I had never given him a key. I have done counseling for years because and honestly I dont think it ever helped as much as this site has. I am going to join a support group daughter has decided on going back to college for her masters in teaching, so she hasn't done counseling yet although I wish she would but school has always been a good busy thing for her. I know I have to protect my daughter and myself and I know if my son refused to be on medication then it is better he wants to write me off, but it feels like I have lost him for good.

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  5. aud

    aud Member

    No drug problem, no alcohol problem. Bipolar son but refuses to take medication.

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  6. aud

    aud Member

    I pressed charges on my son for beating up his sister. Son 26 daughter 30

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  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Support groups are wonderful. I was in one where there were other Mom's dealing with kids with mental and emotional issues and it was invaluable to me, it helped so much in making the changes within me which produced results in the situation with my daughter. I'm glad you're doing that Aud. And glad your daughter is moving on too.......

    Don't look at it like you may have lost him for good, we never know how things will turn out. He is in a bad place now, but that doesn't mean at some point he won't wake up on his own and seek help. He knows what is right and someday he may do what is right. Stay in the NOW, don't look down the road, none of us know what is down there and all we can really do is stay here in the present moment and try to make the best of our lives. You are safe now, he is locked up, so go out to dinner with a friend, have your nails done, go for a nice long whatever it is that makes you happy and makes you feel comforted. Do that as much as you can. Your daughter too, you guys have been through a really rough time and you deserve to be nurtured and nourished and to feel good and remember what joy is..........wishing you peace..............hugs.............
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    When I made my daughter leave, she screamed that she'd hate me forever. I cried for three weeks. Today we are best friends and she thanks me for the hard choices my husband and I made. Not saying it always works out this way, but time is a great healer. If your son gets better, and that is totally in his can't help, then he will see how much you care for him and why you did it. If he remains sick, dysfunctional and criminal, maybe he won't contact you unless he needs money. They always come around for that! And until he is healthy, do you really want to deal with his day-to-day drama?
    I am going to guess that he will be around because he is going to need to try to get money from somebody. I hope he decides to do all he can to get well.
    Gentle hugs for your hurting mommy heart.
  9. tishthedish

    tishthedish Active Member

    I was struck by how similar your son's story is to my 27-yr.old difficult child 1 son's is. He is bipolar, off medications, was homeless, jailed for assault, found unfit to stand trial and now is in a state mental facility. No addictions but so much anger. I went to see him and he was livid about my giving the public defender information on his background and hospitalizations. He won't be out for a while, but I know what it is to fear your own child. It's awful. Perhaps help will come. For both our sons.
  10. aud

    aud Member

    How did your son end up in a mental facility

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  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I like what Recovering posted about staying in the Now, aud. She is right. Your son is manipulating you, bullying you with anger, with "shock and awe" tactics. Here is the thing. What are you supposed to do, lie about what he did? Not press charges? Take him home with you? Your son is showing you who he is. It has to really hurt to know that, but that is why you had to call in the authorities. For some reason, this male feels it is his right to abuse both you and his sister. What he is really angry about is that you are telling him "no."

    You knew when you decided to take measures to protect yourself and your daughter that this abusive male was not going to like that. They so much prefer cowering to defiance in their victims. Bullies are like that.

    You are not a victim, aud.

    You might want to write him back and tell him that, in case he hasn't noticed, the worm has turned. Then, you might want to tell him to keep a civil tongue in his head while writing to his mother.

    If you don't teach him how to talk to you aud, who will?

  12. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Based on past behavior of my girls I wouldn't throw away that letter. My first instinct would be to crumple it and throw it in the trash but then I would pick it out flatten it best I could, staple it to the police report and file it in my "AMMO" file.

    My girls have bipolar and I've learned eventually they stabilize enough to interact with; but it bugs me that they will keep bringing up what I did wrong and not own any of the responsibility for what happened. My ammo file gives me the ammo to get Angel to shut up & realize she brought whatever happened on herself (it wasn't all my fault)

    When I show her a police report and ask her how I made her rip the wiring out of the police car or made her yell "I'm gonna f#@!ing kill you" then kick that cop (got him in the groin)... it shuts her down on the "I let them restrain her" and blaming me for her psychiatric hospital or jail visit. I believe that day what kept those PO's from seriously hurting her, was my saying "please don't hurt her" and filming the arrest. She was going in no matter what I said or did at that point.

    Your son is not thinking straight right now and you did what you needed to for the safety of yourself and both your children. That out of control your son could have easily gotten himself killed had he not gone to jail for assaulting his sister and been allowed to run the streets in that frame of mind.

    Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for things that are not your fault.
  13. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I agree with other posters and would have said what RE said... That was a sucker punch comment and reminds me of kids in elementary school! Very juvenile. You did what you HAD to do. Too bad, so sad. He needs to grow up, and take his medicine literally and figuratively. I would Proceede with your life in a healthy way and only speak with him if he is civil. If not, again, too bad, so sad. If possible, consider a good support group.
  14. aud

    aud Member

    Thanks for all the posts

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  15. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    several days have passed now since you posted that first one...I'm wondering if you feel any better, less sick and afraid? Sometimes just letting those feelings pass through you on their own is hte healthiest thing...I hope they have passed. He tried to poison you with his anger and withdrawal of worked for a bit, but he doesn't have the power to poison you. It is OK to react to an attack by feeling sick and scared...but I hope in the intervening week you've realized that it is not really about are ok. YOu have done the right thing. Try to sit well with that.
  16. aud

    aud Member

    Thanks so much for wondering. My son was released from jail 2 days ago , I was called and was asked to pick him up but I said no. I think the police drove him to a shelter. I have only spoke with him through facebook, as he went to library to use their computer. My other daughter not the one who he beat up got his car going and her and her boyfriend drove it to the shelter. My daughter said when she saw him she was so sad but yet she knows he has brought this on himself. Years ago when my son was in the sixth grade my husband and I put him n a psyHospital called the fox center. He used to call us and tell us he was being held down and to please pick him up. We were instructed by the hospital when he calls and tells us to come get him to just hang up the phone, so thats what we did. About the last 5 years he has been saying why didnt I come get him when he called why didnt I believe him. His dad passed away 8 years ago from melanoma so I am here by myself to take all of the blame and guilt. The last two yrs he has been saying even more y didnt I come get him. This is when I started to suspect that he had possibly been raped. Let me also add the hospital has been shut down bc of abuse which included rapes. Well my son yesterday finally told me what is big secret has been all of these years has been and the secret was he was raped at that hospital. So now I know this and yet at the same time I cant let him back in my home so he is homeless. This is so unbelievably devastating, I feel like such a failure as a mom. I remember back then going to visit him for the first time they had him drugged so bad that when we walked in he was sitting in a chair with his head bobbing back n forth up and down. I talked to the dr. At the time and they said they would cut back
    On his medications. Four years before all of this he was misdiagnosed with epilepsy and on double dose of depreciate for four years. The des. Associate told us he never had epilepsy. Im so sick about all of this. Now I know where alot of his anger towards me has steamed from. What do I do for him and me.

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  17. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Aud, please don't feel guilty. Maybe it isn't true. Our kids lie to make us guilty. Even if it was, he didn't tell you so how could you guess? My daughter was assaulted and didn't tell me for years and I couldn't have prevented it...she was at a friend's house that had always been a safe place for her until a drunken visitor showed up...not everyone who is assaulted destroys his life. Your son was already making bad choices when that happened.

    It took me years to learn this, but I will no longer listen to my kids tell me about all the things they think I did wrong in an attempt to make me feel guilty. As soon as that starts, I have to get off the phone and I hang up before t hey can say anything else. Example: "Oh, sorry, somebody's at the door. Bye." Radio silence. Why engage them in the "you owe me your life because you made a mistake" game? Why rehash it, fuel their rage (which is usually over the top) and what on earth does it accomplish except for them to justify a wasted life? Nothing good comes of it. It is just letting them have a forum to be a victim and, on top of it, blame YOU for their bad choices.

    Keep standing strong. I know it's hard.
  18. aud

    aud Member

    Thank you Midwestern mom. God I wish I was one of those lucky families that dont have mental illness in it. Sounds it sound like an enabling thought that from what has happened this is why he dissent want to take medication bc he is afraid to be over drugged and possibly have a rape happen again. Yes he is 26 but obviously has not ever dealt with what happened to him.

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  19. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I think it's an excuse not to take medication. He found something that would make any caring, loving parent feel terrible. Yet, although he knows how horrible it feels to be hurt, he can not see that HE is hurting people.

    I really have felt a lot better since I refuse to let 36 (my difficult child) make excuses for his behavior and, worst, blame me for what HE says or does. He can talk to me any time. I love him. I will engage him in talk about his son, his job, his girlfriends, but the minute he starts talking about what I did to him, I have to go and I hang up. Interestingly, I put 36 in a psychiatric hospital when he was twelve and he still brings it up too. I have learned to tune it out. My intentions were the best and I'm not going to listen anymore to what I may have done wrong.

    We have been getting along much better since I stopped putting up with his verbal abuse. I was thinking of posting a thread about how well we are now getting along since he rarely does the verbal abuse thang anymore. He understands MY verbally attack me, I suddenly have a visitor at the door, even if it's 11pm :)
  20. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Aud, I am so sorry about this new information you've just heard, that must feel just awful to you to find this out now. If it is true, and it does sound reasonable, it does make sense as to why he is so angry and doesn't want to take medications.

    I can understand how you feel and most of us parents do believe that we can somehow prevent bad things from happening to our kids, but we cannot. Bad things happen to all of us. And, once we are adults, it is up to us to heal from those bad things. It is not your fault, you did what you thought was right at the time, if you knew more you would have done more, if you knew different, you would have done different. We are only human and can only do what we think is right at the time. This is not your fault.

    You may want to read this thread and what Echolette and Cedar said about the things that happened to their kids with therapists and in treatment centers. You are not alone.

    All you can do with your son is offer empathy and compassion for his plight and recommend he seek help for himself. He may not do that for a long time and in the meantime you cannot allow him to harm you. You cannot allow the guilt you are feeling to allow him to hurt you or your daughter ever again. He is now a grown up who has to make the choices necessary to heal from his past, or not, but he does not have a right to take his anger out on you or anyone. Folks who are abused always have the option to heal or become the abuser...........many of us here have been abused and we chose to heal. It is a choice. Just like it is a choice for you to respond differently to your son.

    I have much mental illness in my family too. It is difficult to wade through it all. My recommendation to you is to seek professional help for YOU. NAMI is a good organization to help you.............the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have parent courses that are excellent. If you can learn to change the way you respond, let go of the guilt you feel, detach from your son and learn acceptance, you will dramatically change how you feel.

    I think you mentioned that you are in a support group, talk about this in your group.

    You're in a tough spot Aud, I am really sorry, this is a lot to take in..........keep taking deep breaths, take a walk outside, in a short time that changes the brain chemistry, if you can, learn to meditate, you can go on Youtube and search guided meditations for fear, anxiety, peace, letting go..........whatever you need...........find ways to take care of you, you deserve that. Hang in there...........keep posting, it helps......sending you hugs.......
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2014