Hi Leamac, so sorry for your troubles with your daughter and your need to be here. We are all definitely not dealing with ordinary circumstances with our adult children.
But now it’s almost Sept and the child is still in foster care. We don’t know the details and don’t want to. Anything my daughter would tell us we wouldn’t believe anyway. Yesterday she texted my husband asking for $1200 to avoid an eviction notice.
One would think losing a child to foster care would be motivation enough to get on the straight and narrow. So, in seven months since leaving rehab your daughter has not worked, and I am assuming since you don’t know the details, you have not had much communication with her, or much of a relationship, for that matter? The lack of trust is a big issue, one that I have to deal with my two. So much turbulent water under the bridge. While it is good to know she went to rehab, I would wonder if she is using again, that is a telltale marker, the lack of concern and motherly love over her child. My Tornado, left her three in care of their paternal grandparents and went off the radar for a year. Of course in her mind, this is our fault, because “We didn’t try to find her.” or, “Message her on Instagram.”
She is in jail and expected me to bail her out or plea for supervised release. There is no supervising that one.
Why should I? Her expectations and non ownership over her choices is mind boggling.
“I’ve worked so hard to turn my life around.” She hasn’t worked at all since leaving rehab. and it hasn’t even been a year since she broke into our home and stole several expensive items.
Sigh. I’m sorry LeaMac, this is hard stuff to wade through, when our d cs won’t help themselves and expect us to clean up their mess and deny their responsibility. We have been stolen from as well, no admittance or apologies. My daughter is soon to be 30. She has every excuse why she has been on the streets, told me from her jail call that she signed up for treatment, then when I replied that it would be a good thing, ranted on about why does everyone think she is on drugs, “it is just a way to get out of jail.”
I would be very leery of anything an addict tells me, rehab or not. The lack of responsibility your daughter displays for her child and herself are big red flags in my book. $1200 is a lot of money. Even if I could afford it, I couldn’t afford the risk that I would be funding a drug habit, because that is the bitter truth with our waywards. They know how to tug at our heartstrings to get us to open up our purse strings. We think okay, just this once so she will have a roof over her head, not be homeless. But what about the next month, and the next? It is hard, because it gnaws at us and makes us feel we are cold and uncaring, but the fact is, if our adult children are not lifting a finger to be self sufficient, the consequences are, possible eviction. If we rescue them, how do they learn? I honestly think that they think we have an endless supply of funds. Or, since we have savings and retirement money, we should help them. But, what are we funding? What are we helping? I have found that housing my two, just prolonged their drug use, they thought it was our obligation, dragged us into their chaos and stole from us, to boot. Housing them was essentially, like paying their rent. I have made it clear I will not house them, so neither will I pay rent. I wouldn’t do it. Just my opinion, but any money we give an addict, even one who has been to rehab, will potentially be used for drugs.
I refuse to fund drug use.
I understand the anguish you feel, the last thing I ever thought was that I would have two daughters homeless. I learned the hard way that there was no stopping their derailment by trying to keep that from happening. Their choice to use, led to using us, using our resources, which is a huge mess.
Even if your daughter is not using, what excuse does she have for not working? At 28, I assume able bodied, one would think she would work anywhere, to provide for herself. I have a young friend, who is rather unconventional, works odd jobs, cleaning houses, painting, etc. so that she can afford to rent a room.
Both of her parents are deceased, so she has to be self reliant.
This is the thing. My daughters in their present state of mind, would think nothing of coercing me to over extend myself to make their lives more comfortable. They would use my love for them, to bend me, and if I broke, financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, they wouldn’t bat an eye. It is because addiction, dry or using, is inexplicably selfish. Knowing this, I have to be strong and stop my inclination to try and save them. This is where they strike the core of us, then we go down the rabbit hole, beating ourselves up with anxiety and guilt. Enters the FOG. We can’t go walking around living in Fear of what may happen, feeling Obligated to help, feeling Guilty if we do, or don’t. It is no way to live.
Something had to change, it wasn’t going to be my two, so I did.
I said no to my daughters plea after her father died, to “come home”. I knew it would be more of the same. It was the hardest thing, but the right thing, for both of us. Before that, I refused to house my eldest, strung out on meth (denied it), she put up a tent in the bushes up the road from us. Talk about rub my face in it. Ugh.
It was, and is hard. I have learned that love says no. Love for them,
and ourselves.
Self love is not self centered selfishness.
The fog would have us think this, that when we say no, we are selfish. There is nothing further from the truth.
We want our adult kids to practice wellness, be self sufficient, healthy, this is self care and self love.
I think that is what we have to model for them. Weigh out our options carefully, be mindful of what our d cs are capable of, both in taking care of their own messes, and their propensity to put it all on us.
Sorry this is so long. It strikes a note with me, very similar to stuff I have dealt with.
$1200- my daughters bail is $11,000.00. She said “You only have to pay 10 percent, Mom” Huh. I have no reason to believe she would make her court dates if she got out.
Sigh.
I concur with Okie, at some point we have to say no more.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy