Snail Mail

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Feb 5, 2012.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I haven't had contact with katie since mid October. None of us have.

    So Nichole got to missing her sister and niece and nephews. She's had ample time to reflect that while most of what she'd said to katie had been the blunt truth, due to circumstances surrounding the even of perv man once again exposing himself online as well as the kids having easy access to it, she'd come down on her sister much too harshly. And that from Katie's point of view it probably felt like the whole family was attacking her. Well, Nichole has lost a lot of people she's been very close to in a very short amount of time; my bff, her grandmother, and husband in the span of a year. Nichole doesn't want to lose more family, especially over something that is to some degree stupid and changeable. So she asked me for katie's address so she could try writing to her via snail mail since phone calls and emails were being flat out ignored.

    I gave her the address but I warned her she probably wouldn't get a response. She had already apologized to the woman several times and been ignored. Nichole said she still wanted to try if for no other reason maybe there was a slim chance katie was being honest about them no longer having a computer and she didn't see the apologies.

    I didn't get worked up about it. Actually it didn't drum up any emotion in me whatsoever. Too much time has passed and I've basically thrown the emotion switch to off when it comes to katie and family, something I learned to do when she took off and we didn't hear from her for 6 yrs. I'd turned my attention onto dealing with my own life, the loss of husband, and the rest of the family. I honestly didn't expect her to get a response.

    But she did, almost immediately. Eight pages worth.

    Katie accepted Nichole's apology. But threw out a lot of excuses of why she couldn't do the right thing, as usual. Again with the "I got rid of the computer", she still swears she threw M out but someone told him she couldn't do that because he is on the lease and he pushed his way back in, they're supposedly not living as a married couple (whatever that is supposed to mean) until she can find work (not happening) and move out (again not happening). She's mad and hurt we ganged up on her over the perv displaying himself yet again. She is mad we don't believe her over the halloween party, and even if it was true think it was tacky and selfish that she refused to come. In her version, easy child and I really were vicious and hurt her. (ok....went back over the messages and while it was clear I was mad as hell, the level of tact I used was surprising even to me given my state of mind at the time)

    Then she tells Nichole she can tell easy child and I that she and the kids are ok but she wants nothing to do with us, no contact. She doesn't know if she will again. While she did acknowledge in the letter everything I've done for her since the age of 3 when her dad and I married.....she couldn't take the hurt from the attack. (drama anyone?) I never called her and rarely came to visit her and the kids and the only one who got to sleep over was kayla. (same excuse for easy child but alex instead of kayla) Now, I'll admit, that peeved me off in a major way. I have called her both before and since this incident, it helps if cells aren't turned off and phones are answered. And pardon, I was wrapped up in caring for injured easy child all summer, then husband had his heart attack. Gimme a break. Nichole unfortunately was the one I vented on, and she asked me later if I was mad at her for trying to mend the relationship with katie, and I said no.....yeah I got mad at the outright lie and the obvious it's still "all about me" thing, but I understand her position and if she wants a relationship with her sis that is a good thing.

    I did tell her that I wouldn't be contacting katie. I was honest in that I have no real desire to talk to her or see her right now. Just plain don't care. The woman has some major growing up/maturing to do and the biggest lesson to learn is when you belong to a family, it's most certainly not "all about me". In that entire situation not once did she consider what her sibs and I were dealing with, not once, or that it might be affecting how things were being handled.

    So Nichole wrote her back and did point out much of that stuff, as well that easy child has yet to get over the original abandonment of family and is currently dealing with her own "stuff" at the moment and is either going to come around to rebuilding a relationship with katie or not.

    Nichole called me last night. She got another letter. This one confused her. I don't know all the contents, only the part she read to me, which a section was address to me specifically, and was an apology of sorts that didn't quite make much sense. Especially since she wasn't wanting contact with me. I asked Nichole what I was supposed to do with that? lol (sometimes if you don't laugh you go mad) I did tell her I'm still not making contact. I can respect katie's wishes even if she can't make up her mind. What was said between her and I was the blunt truth, I will not apologize for what I said. It needed to be said. She needed to hear it. She can deal with that or not. Not my problem. I will not chase after Katie, even for the sake of the grandchildren.

    Nichole said she'd ask her to clarify what the heck that was about. Whatever. I honestly really don't care. (and yes, that is quite freeing)

    Maybe I'm just a cold hearted *itch, I dunno. Maybe this reaction stems from my past (possible). But I refuse to play such games, whether or not the player realizes they're doing it or not. I will not be manipulated for any reason. That line is drawn not in sand but in cement.

    If katie really wants to be an active member of this family she will learn how to conduct herself within a family. While I realize this is something she is going to have to learn, I'm not going to coddle her over it either. She'll either put forth the effort or not. If not then I'm not wasting my time. The girl needs some serious therapy. I've told her that. Odds are she won't do better without it, even if actively trying. So, whatever, it's up to her.

    So, while I can acknowledge the perv incident wasn't handled as well as it could have been, I also know it just cause some major issues to come to a head. During the entire 3 yrs since contact with katie has been established we were the ones putting forth all the effort while she made excuses. It was us putting all the effort into mending and building relationships....while she did next to nothing except hide behind the wall she's build around herself for whatever reason. Well, that's done. At least as far as easy child and I go. I don't do one way relationships. I said before I won't be manipulated......and to me a one way relationship is basically being used, and I don't do that either.

    As far as perv man goes.......whatever. If I have knowledge he's yet again done something that I believe threatens the welfare of those 3 kids, I'll report it yet again.

    I no longer give a hoot if katie is the victim of abuse whether from her past or from perv man or both, if she has mental illness (Borderline (BPD), anxiety and god knows what else), whether she is or isn't on drugs. It's not my job to fix her and I'm not going to try. She knows what she needs to do, she's been told enough over the years by many not just me. It's sad but I no longer really care if she does it or not.

    I'm pleasantly surprised this had not stirred any real emotion, except on the outright lie part and that is because I just can't tolerate lying by anyone. I've completely disengaged from her drama. I have my hands full with my own problems and rebuilding my own life.

    So I guess this was an update such as it is.
  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Wow. You are coming from a really good place and I admire you for that. Your responses are strong and balanced and make sense. I am glad you are not getting dragged into the drama and I can only hope that Nichole can walk the fine line between being a sister to Katie while having defined boundaries.

    I think it must be some sort of relief that she and Nichole are in touch so that you know Katie and the grands are OK. I hope that she and Nichole can develop a cordial relationship that doesn't get wrapped up in blame and drama. And while I hate to put the onus on Nichole -- perhaps once the sisters have a more balanced relationship - you can also have a loving but distant relationship with Katie as well.

    In my limited understanding of your history with Katie - it seems that she is trying to push your buttons because she knows that you and Nichole are close. Yet, you haven't taken the bait. I truly admire your strength and your grace. Take good care of yourself - you've had a lot of tough times and it seems that you are on a good path now. {{{hugs}}}
  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I understand. I am kinda in the same place with my difficult child#2. Nothing ever changes. I wish him well but I just don't want to be a part of his life untill he gets it together if he ever does. True, I do not have to deal with him at the moment. He is in a prison over an hour away but he might get out in a few months. He will most likely come back to my town as that is what he knows. I dread that. I have resigned myself to the possibility that he might not be able to stay out of trouble while on parole and have to serve his entire sentance and more. I also realize it is not my problem.

    The hardest thing to admit though is that I really do not want him in my life anymore. It is just too hard watching that train wreck over and over again. Some members of my family think I am cold hearted. I know better, and it hurts that they think that. So, I no longer try to explain myself, it is what it is. The fact is when the pain is too much to bear we block it out. It is a survival mechanism and I for one I am thankful for that ability. -RM
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    It sounds as though you are in a good place about the whole situation...


    I think you should be very proud of youself.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Way To Go! There is a whole lot to be said for keeping your distance. on the other hand I do think it is good that the girls are in touch. Hugs. DDD
  6. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    To be honest I am not in complete understanding of the whole situation but have tried to pick up on bits and pieces along the way.

    Sounds like you are putting up strong emotional boundaries between you and Katie. And for good reason. I don't think it is your job to mend the relationship either.

    You've been through a heck of alot. I too am glad you sound so strong and are in a "good Place" now.

  7. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Sorry for your loss, you are going through so much. When I was reading your post I thought the same thing, I admire you so much for not letting difficult child emotionally blackmail you through the grands. I also admire you for not making the girls take sides.

    I have never cared for the drama and as I get older I will not tolerate it at all. I am the last one in the family to find out about what is going on. I have some close family members that love it I guess because they don't try to solve the problem, then they wouldn't have the drama to entertain them.

    I think it is good that Nichole has some contact so you can keep up with the grands, their saftey comes first.

    RM I am getting there too and my sister just doesn't understand, she thinks I should drop everything and run to rescue difficult child so I don't discuss difficult child with them very much. She still tries to run her adult married childrens lives and it is having negative effects on her health.
    "The hardest thing to admit though is that I really do not want him in my life anymore. It is just too hard watching that train wreck over and over again. Some members of my family think I am cold hearted. I know better, and it hurts that they think that. So, I no longer try to explain myself, it is what it is. The fact is when the pain is too much to bear we block it out. It is a survival mechanism and I for one I am thankful for that ability"
  8. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I think you're doing exactly the right thing and I really admire you for the way you're handling the situation. You've already done all you possibly could, she hasn't changed a bit, and all you'd be doing from here on in is beating your head against that brick wall. And this sounds like a classic case of "blame shifting" to me! My ex was a real master at that technique. She finds some little insignificant thing that you've supposedly done to her, then blows it completely out of proportion to shift the blame from all the outrageous things that she's done! Nobody ever falls for it but it allows them to save face and play the "victim" and it keeps them from ever having to take the blame. And honestly, I think she hasn't taken any action about "perv man" exposing himself because she just doesn't think that it's any big deal! He's probably been doing that for as long as she's known him and she just ignores it!

    And even allowing all that, how did she ever justify missing the services for her father because she felt "persecuted"? To me, that was about as low as she could possibly go!
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I am glad for her sister that she got a response. Sorry you have had all this to go through but I admire how you handle it all. On a much different level, our family has worked hard on boundaries and not fixing each other's issues. We were just really enmeshed. It is hard work but does pay off in the end.

    Hope you have a good day and are proud of yourself for all the progress you have made.