So mad right now!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Aug 26, 2013.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    In January when difficult child moved out to live with the grands I gave her a set of guidelines about what we would give her financially and what her responsibilities were. She of course never made any plans to follow the guidelines. My father was given the same information but apparently has developed either a brain tumor or refuses to understand plain English.

    Anyway the deal was that when difficult child turns 18 we would require her to pay us $150 to pay for car insurance and cell phone. Now as some of you will remember we were giving her $70 every two weeks to help her pay for her expenses. I know it sounds stupid and redundant but the plan was to slowly help her learn some financial responsibility. We would give her $140 and she would have to get a part time job to pay for the $10 difference and her toiletries. That way she had to be responsible but we weren't putting a huge burden on her.

    Of course for the last two months the extra $10 hasn't made it into the account. So today I texted her and said the bills were due this week did she have the $10 to put in the account for this month. I got no reply from difficult child BUT my dad called. He acted like we hadn't had this same conversation last month and said he would send us the $10 check. The plan wasn't for him to learn financial responsibility it was for difficult child to learn it. I told him not to bother. He told me not to bother to send the $140 since it was just a wash anyway.

    I didn't even bother to argue I just said fine I didn't expect any understanding anyway. I hung up.

    I texted difficult child and told her I wouldn't contact her about finances again and that she should feel free to contact me whenever she wanted to. I texted my mom (dad doesn't understand texting) and told her that I would no longer be bothering anyone about the money and that because of the lack of understanding I didn't wish to be contacted for a while.

    I am just so over it! I don't need this ****. I am trying to be a good parent. We are paying for her college this year and her housing, food, car, and cell phone. All she has to do is earn enough to pay for her toiletries. We even had it in writing we would help her with clothing and larger purchases. Nothing we do is good enough for any of them and I am just sick of being judged.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can only imagine your level of frustration at not being heard or acknowledged by your difficult child or your parents. I am so sorry. They all negate you, but are willing to accept your resources. Perhaps make a plan to one by one remove your resources, for instance, first the phone...........some time later, the car insurance. There is no reason she can't work and pay for some things, that is how she will learn to be responsible. You can draw up the same contract you said you had in writing that you would pay for larger purchases, only say, for instance, as of Oct 30th, we will no longer pay for the phone. As of Dec. 31st we will no longer pay the car insurance..........just a thought. I can hear just how frustrated and angry you are and how minimized your feelings and concerns are. You're in a no win situation with your own parents and daughter. I'm sorry.
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    RE- it would just be a waste of time. Either my brother or my parents would support her she would never wind up having to pay anything. I'm tired of wasting my time. I do feel bad that my parents who can't really afford it are paying for my childs expenses. But they have put themselves in that position and refuse to take any advice. I just hate the idea of people thinking I can't or wont support my own child. Then again that is the way difficult child chose to go.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    dstc, yeah I hear you. I'm sorry some of your family members are such nimrods. Well then I'm sending you a big hug.....
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I actually agree with RE. Let your brother, your mom, your dad, your kissing cousin, your friend or the Man in the Moon pay for difficult children expenses. You're off t he hook and you are lodging your moral views that it's wrong for an adult child to have all of her expenses paid for her. You can't stop what THEY do, but you don't have to do it. You really don't owe her a penny. She hasn't been very good to you. And ditto for your parents.

    If necessary, detach from all of them. For some reason, it seems that your parents and brother think of you, who are really trying hard to do the right thing, as the family blacksheep. As one blacksheep to another :) it isn't worth trying to explain anything to them. They will just disregard what you say. It is fitting that they pay her bills.

    I'm sorry because I know that, no matter how hard we try, inside in hurts. But...after a while and with practice, it does get better :)
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. I havent heard anything back from them and hopefully I wont for a while. I think more than anything I just need some time. Things have been crazy around here and having to deal with this **** just makes my anxiety skyrocket. As they say....aint nobody got time for that!
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    For whom are you really doing these things? For difficult child? For your family? For yourself?

    It sounds like you are taking on a financial burden you don't really want. It sounds like you are paying for all of these things so that your family (and maybe society at large) thinks you're a good Mom...

    Well, *I* think you're a good Mom, and I don't think you should be paying for half that stuff.

    Paying for college is more than enough.

    Don't bother with all of the written contracts and special agreements - it will only stress you out. Pay for school. Let difficult child worry about all the extras.

  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Thanks DF. husband and I both wanted her life to be so much easier. If she would have stayed at home we would probably be killing ourselves to make life free for her. It's almost a good thing all this happened. We were really hoping she would start to value things a little more and learn how to earn things.

    I think in a way we are doing it for ourselves and in a way we are doing it for society. I'm from a small town and I don't want my dad and mom telling everyone that we aren't supporting our child and therefore they are financially strapped. On the other hand I never see those people and probably wont again. We always dreamed of doing everything for our kids and probably spoiled them too much. husband and I have always agreed though that once they were old enough for jobs they should get one unless they were involved in a sport or activity that made that difficult. difficult child got out of it by cheering. She had practices and games so often it would have been next to impossible for her to hold a job. ON the other hand once she moved out and quit cheer she has had months to find a job and she never did. She would work a few hours a month for my dad but I doubt she applied for anything else. She just wants everything given to her and I think it is time people stopped doing that since she is so ungrateful. Can't stop the family though.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    dstc, I understand what you're saying.......AND I think DaisyFace is right. I'm a 'little' (HA!) further down life's road then you, so speaking from this vantage point, life really gets a lot easier when we let go of others opinions and judgments as well as our own expectations about how we wanted it all to look. It can be dicey when it's so close to home like with your parents, brother and daughter, but you know what? Right now, here in the present moment, you have your husband and your younger daughter with you in a brand new adventure and your oldest is safe and cared for. It's all okay. It's all enough. It's all good. Focus on all the positives now and let go of what you can't control. I choose that every day and it really helps a lot. Hugs to you.......