So much lying

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Endeaver, Apr 13, 2016.

  1. Endeaver

    Endeaver New Member

    21 year old difficult child. He was such a good kid until high school. He is very personable and charming. Was in all advanced classes but rarely got the grades he was capable of. He did cross country running throughout his school years. He never really had a 'best' friend but did have a group he hung out with. They were a smart group of kids that have all consequently done well in college. He rallied to get into a good college and basically dropped out after the first year but what bothers me the most are the lies that we are sure to find out; like actually being in school, enrolling in summer school, running in a half marathon, having a job. I signed a two year apartment lease for him (by his former university - I pay) before I realized the extent of his lies and I'm letting him stay there. I expected he would get a job and pay expenses but he is not doing that. He went to a psychiatrist for three sessions but stopped. Then he lied about seeing a psychologist.

    This site has made me see that for a year I have enabled him and done him no favors. I'm going to tell him that the support, that was supposed to be for when he was in school, is over. I'm glad I found this site.
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    You did it Endeaver, welcome again.
    I have heard so much about college partying.... do you think your son may be dabbling with substances? This could cause big personality changes.....I am sorry. Ugh.
    Two year apartment lease is quite an investment. How much longer does he have? I would be concerned about the condition of the place.
    I am sorry Endeaver, it is hard to send an adult child off with high hopes, then be lied to.
    Is he far from where you live? That would be doubly hard.
    More will come along soon and comment soon. It will help if you add information to your signature, then folks have an idea of what you are writing about without having to go to your initial thread.
    Welcome to our soft landing place. It is good to come here to vent and share the journey with folks who understand. You are not alone.
  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Endeaver, that he has been dishonest with you. Yikes, I am sorry you find yourself paying for an apartment that he is not using for going to school.

    Yes, those lies are hard to understand. Not sure they know they are going to be "found out" eventually.

    When I was in college (back when dinosaurs roamed the earth), college was more of a time for exploration, in many ways. Now it seems such a different approach -- get the classes you need to get your degree and build your resume and get a good job...

    Your son is still so young...Could it be that he feels trapped, with no way to reconcile what he thinks is expected of him vs. what he wants? Not that it would change the fact that he is lying to you and that you are paying for an apartment he is not using for college, but it would be nice to know where he is coming from, since his issues began so abruptly.

    It is too bad he did not stay with the counselor; that might have helped him clarify what HE wants.
  4. Endeaver

    Endeaver New Member

    I thought the same; that he may feel trapped. I've told him that we will support whatever he chooses but he needs to do something. I'm pretty sure he hasn't worked since he dropped out a year ago. At this point I feel he should get a job and be doing something productive and pay his own expenses since the apartment is paid for. When we talk about counseling or school plans he says what I think he thinks I want to hear (the lies about going to see one) and then does nothing.

    I'm going to give him a deadline for using my credit card for expenses.

    Why can't he tell me the truth?
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I wonder the same thing about my hubby's younger son. Why can't you just tell the truth. But it is what it is.

    How much longer do you have until the lease is up?

    You can probably break the lease, if needed.

    I don't see anything about mental/substance abuse issues, so can I assume he is perfectly able to get a job and support himself but chooses not to? Maybe the lies are a way of keeping this set-up for as long as possible?

    Welcome to the forum, Endy.
  6. Endeaver

    Endeaver New Member

    Substance abuse would explain a lot but I don't smell pot on him or in his apartment. Could be something else but I don't think he has money beyond the credit card. If he comes home then I will make drug tests part of the deal.The lease is up 3/31/17 and he has two roommates so Iwould try to sub-let. He was a life- guard for two summers so he has had a job in the past.

    Thanks for listening.
  7. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I do not get why they can be at least decent and well working and adjustable children when their living with us doing what their supposed to do giving their all or not but still doing it and when they go to college they regress to little children only interested in fulfilling their desires.
    My youngest did the same thing and can not understand why what is with college that makes them like that.
  8. Endeaver

    Endeaver New Member

    I did it. I gave him a July 1 deadline on his credit card he uses for everything (food, utilities, transportation). I'll still be paying the rent until March, but this will help stop enabling him to do absolutely nothing (I think) not to mention the $$ that are flowing out of my savings for his college.

    Boy was it hard to say the words that I know were needed but he actually took it well. I am relieved to have jumped that (small) hurdle. He talked again about checking out counselors; going into detail about his two choices. It always sounds so convincing and then it is just something he is telling me that is not real. We shall see.
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi Endeaver we're glad you are here.

    This is a huge step for you. When we set a boundary, they usually REALLY don't like it, so expect some pushback.

    My Difficult Child also went off the rails the first semester in college. I had no idea what was going on at that time, but he basically flunked the whole first semester and lost his lottery scholarship. There was a lot of lying going on there as well. It took another year for me to learn what was really going on...drugs and alcohol for him.

    He played soccer all four years in high school and I am sure, looking back, was drinking, but somehow he kept it between the lines.

    Once the alcohol use and then pills ramped up, he went down pretty fast.

    I kept on helping and helping, just like most of us do, and little by little I learned how to stop.

    That doesn't mean that is going on with your son, but starting to set clear and simple boundaries is a good first step for you. It almost doesn't matter right now what the underlying reason is...what matters is his behavior. It's almost crazy how much people can keep secret. I drove myself nuts trying to figure out what in the world was wrong with him (anxiety, depression, isolation, more severe mental illness, pot, alcohol, pills, worse? )

    In the end, I barely knew the tip of the iceberg, and I still don't know a whole lot of things and frankly don't want to know.

    You will find it out when you need to. In the meantime, kudos to you for taking this very big step. We're here for you, for support, ideas and encouragement. You are the only one who knows the whole story with him, so take what you like from us and leave the rest. That is perfectly fine, and we understand.

    Warm hugs this Friday!
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  10. Endeaver

    Endeaver New Member

    I am/was going nuts trying to figure out what is wrong with him. I can identify when you talk about how sweet and polite the difficult child is. But as you say, his actions aren't reflecting his words. Thanks for the reply!
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Possibly into drugs? Lots of that in college and, unless your child chooses a supervised dorm like mine did, there is nobody to answer to.
    Drinking snd drugging are a part of many kid's "college experience." Sad but true. And that can change your kid completrly and usually you will not know what is really going on. They dont tell.

    Just food for thought. Hope im wrong. Big time hope im wrong. Check in and let us know how you are doing.
  12. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Maybe you could just show up unexpected and ask him to take a random drug test so you could rule that out. You can buy those at the drug store. I'm not saying that's what is going on but better safe than sorry. When my son started using drugs is when all the lies started. I would definitely cut off the funds either way. Explain that you are there to give a hand up not a hand out.
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  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Problem is, drug tests are not reliable and some serious drugs dont show up. And the kids all know which drugs those are. I think your idea is actually good, WM, but a clean pee test is no guarantee. However, it CAN be. If son would refuse to take the test and predictably lash out at Mom for not trusting him, there probably are detectable drugs in his system. There is no other reason to refuse the pee test.

    If it does turn out to be drugs, then the parent can decide, if parent wants to cut off all money and decide grown child can not live at home. The parent has options based on sad fact.

    Knowledge is power. Sometimes it also is heartbreaking.
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2016
  14. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Endeavor. It is so good for all of you that you have set a boundary re: $. He will get used to it, he won't like it.
    SO VERY TRUE...We kept thinking if we only knew what he was on...finally realizing that it didn't matter at all. We could only deal with the behavior regardless of the whats/whys/hows. The lying, stealing, lack of any motivation (and he too can be charming) was the IT factor. Did it matter whether the white powder was crushed pills (somehow seemed better) or Coke (oh no!) ? Too, too much for my little mind. Setting even the smallest first boundary was a positive start. Now your challenge is to keep it. Keep it. You are strong and it's best for all of you.
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