So much new stuff has happened since last posts

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Jenna0823, Jun 27, 2019.

  1. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    First of all I finally got to have my granddaughter to my house to stay for a week. She is now with my sister until July then coming back with me. A few weeks ago I had my grandson that is only 6 and my daughter hasn’t contacted him at all in 15 months. So I drove him up to see my daughter thinking that perhaps she would really want to see him and for some reason hasn’t contacted him. She has supposedly been off heroin for 17 months. She has a new baby that is 5 months from a third baby daddy. My daughter has kept my 11 year old granddaughter from me out of spite until finally in April I was allowed to see her. My daughter has been an addict for 18 years. In and out of jail and rehabs. If you read my other posts you will see the details. So I drive 8 hours to see her and when I arrive I get no thank you. No I am sorry mom for all I have done. No how are you. ? I suppose I was just lucky to be there with her. So I let her see her son. I picked up my granddaughter which I never thought would happen but luckily my daughter needs a babysitter this summer. Me to the rescue. My daughter kicked out the current boyfriend/ baby daddy. She called police on him. My granddaughter a week before I got there called me wanting me to come get her because they were screaming and fighting as usual. The baby always cries. So now that the boyfriend is out my daughter gets a stranger to rent my granddaughters room so she can afford the rent. My granddaughter tells me my daughter drinks vodka in her iced tea in the evening. So of course I find a glass with some still in it. Yup vodka and iced tea. I don’t dare confront my daughter. I called CPS the week before when the drama with police was going on. She lies to them and is the victim of course as always. My granddaughter lies and tells them she is not left home alone ever. But she told me she was afraid to be honest. She even is alone for 20 minutes while my daughter goes to the store and my granddaughter watches the 5 month old. When I finally talk with my granddaughter during our visit she tells me how my daughter made her not talk to me for 9 months. That my daughter said horrible things about me. That my daughter starts fights and argues with her everyday all the time. She is miserable there. She has only been back with her a year. She says she hardly knows her mom. She missed me terribly. We had an awesome time. Again she wants to come live with me again. I don’t know how to make that happen. If I fail my daughter will keep her from me for years. If my daughter is drinking vodka in her tea at night while in recovery from drugs and heroin last year is that a relapse or a potential to be more ?
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Jenna.

    I do not know much about substance dependence and recovery so I can't say what this means, what this foretells about where this will go.

    But the question, what to do? How to maintain connection to granddaughter and possibly to get her to live with you? It seems to me that you are navigating extremely difficult waters ably, even though I recognize this is agonizing, trying to stay within the very narrow parameters your daughter allows.

    On the one hand, I think this is a waiting game. And you are served by staying as neutral as you can, and not reacting. When you do, daughter seems to take aim at you. At the same time, the horribleness of this is that these kids best shot is with Child Protective Services actively involved. I am unclear where daughter stands right now with Child Welfare. Is there an open and ongoing case? Is the family being monitored? Were you the one to call them? If so, does daughter know this?

    The situation is impossibly hard: Your daughter is drinking, neglecting her children and failing in any way to respond to and treat you as a mother should be treated, despite the fact that you are picking up the slack as best you can to give these children stability and love and attention. Your daughter has retaliated against you and could withdraw your granddaughter even more, and this indeed would be much, much worse. And how sad that granddaughter has lied (against her own interests) due to fear.

    How does a mother do this? Be an activist in protecting these kids and at the same time stay neutral so that daughter does not punish you by withholding the kids *and at the same time hurt them more? To state the obvious, anybody would be suffering in this situation that is calling for opposite behaviors at the same time. Anybody would be furious and terrified.

    In my experience here on this forum the task many of us have is bearing a situation over which we have no control. So, in that sense, even though the particulars of our situations are different, they are the same. Often all we can do is: nothing.

    We pray. We meditate. We go to Al Anon or therapy. And we find activities and friends that energize us and we find contentment and meaning in ways that we can. We learn to live life along side of the suffering we feel in spite of it. I wish I had more to say than that, for you and for me, and all of us here.
     
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  3. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    Yes I called CPS and it’s anonymous. The babies grandmother also threatened to call so my daughter has no idea. She played the victim again. Now the baby daddy only gets the baby two hours once a week. My daughter is so very vindictive I must tread lightly. I guess I should wait it out a bit. My granddaughter knows I am here and she said she knows eventually she will move back with me. She is afraid of her mom as well. I think my daughter will relapse at some point. She was really badly addicted to heroin and now is drinking and has lupus and said she can get medical marijuana.
     
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your daughter is not sober. I think she already has relapsed. If not heroin yet, she is on her way. My daughter says that the addicts drug of choice lies in the bottom of a glass. When I asked her what that meant, she said that drinking loosens inhibitions so the addict thinks it is okay to use the drug that they really want.

    I know some addicts claim that they can drink occasionally or smoke pot but I have never known one that didn't relapse once they started drinking or smoking pot.

    I hope I am wrong.

    ~Kathy
     
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  5. Deni D

    Deni D Member

    I believe this, I have seen it. I knew someone who lived very close to me who would start with drinking and then shortly be back to heroin, injecting heroin. For this woman her final story has been written, I hope your daughter gets help.
    I don't know about the pot smoking, but for Lupus I've heard CDB cream for the aches and pains is the best, just anecdotal info. But then on the other hand, also anecdotal, I've heard pot smoking can help people getting over a heroin addiction.
     
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks. My daughter is doing very well. She has been sober for over 3.5 years, has a great job, and is getting married in November.

    We had many, many bad years before she finally got sober. Much of that was on my husband and me. We enabled her for years. After two years of therapy, we finally were able to set firm boundaries and hold her accountable. That was when she got serious about recovery.

    Kathy
     
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  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I think sobriety looks different for everyone but I would be wary of someone that was an addict for so so many years drinking anything alcoholic, especially when she has young children to care for. It just seems like a bad idea.

    My son does drink beer now. He is still very young and had been abusing prescription pills. He went through a 13 month faith based program which was extremely strict but did well and is now home and is working 35 hours per week and going to school to be a welder. I try not to let it worry me but my husband and I drink socially (sit on back porch with wine etc.) so I try not to overthink it.

    Our children have to lead their own lives and make their own mistakes. I am very happy that my son has overcome so many obstacles and is now working on his future. He said his "wild days are over". Once he has his certification he can save for a down payment on a home which should not take very long. He now wants to please us and cares what we think. I still do see his sense of entitlement sometimes but we are both just thankful that he is again in our lives.
     
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  8. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    I am in total agreement with you. She is now back in abandoning her 6 year old son again. She has a 6 month old that lives with her and my 12 year old granddaughter as well. Her ex says she drinks quite a bit at night. And that she took Kratom after having the baby. I worry so much about my granddaughters. Thankfully my grandson lives with his dad. All three kids have different fathers. My daughter is back to not talking to me again because I guess she is mad I stopped giving her money and enabling her.
     
  9. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    My daughter said her doctor will give her a prescription for medical marijuana for her lupus. It’s a great excuse to use drugs again
     
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think you're right to keep your eyes on the ball which is the welfare of those kids. I would try to record everything she tells you and that you hear about her and the kids, to build a case. If she is using and adding more substances, and then more, sooner or later the kids will have to be removed from her care. Does she get welfare money for them? I wonder if this is her incentive to even keep them with her at this point. What a shame. I am sorry Jenna.
     
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2019 at 9:56 PM
  11. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    No she works. She gets free childcare for the baby. Now that she kicked the father of the baby out she gets $400 a month from him. And since my granddaughter that is 12 lost her dad to an overdose last year she gets $900 a month for her. She recently rented out the bedroom that was my granddaughters to a guy she just met and he pays half the rent. My 12 year old granddaughter shares a room with my daughter and the baby. She is not happy about losing her own room at her age. I really think it’s dangerous to drink alcohol when in early recovery from heroin. And now she has abandoned her 6 year old son again. Saw him once and never went back to visit him while he is up staying with other grandmother this summer 20 minutes from her.