So tired-UPDATE

[hearts and roses]

Just hung up with the therapists office. She wants H and I to join difficult child at a session so difficult child can tell us the extent of her alcohol consumption. Apparently, she's "really been keeping us in the dark" and the therapist "wants to see difficult child be honest about her use with us".

I am going with difficult child this Friday (another day lost from work) so that she can be "totally honest with me about her use and we can all be on the same page about the AA meetings". Unfortunately, the meeting is at 10:30 AM and there is NO WAY that H can join us, which I'm really upset about because I think of all people, he is in the dark the most and thinks that difficult child is just making up reasons for her depression and erratic behavior. So, I tried to make a separate appointment for H and me to attend on Sept 10th and the receptionist, along with the counselor were not following my train of thought (to help me and counselor to clarify for H just what is going on so he can stop being so condescending towards difficult child). I even said that if difficult child were around and not in class, she would join us as planned, but that if she wasn't around, only H and I would be there - WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT?????? I ask you. Well, they made the appointment finally.

When I spoke with the therapist briefly, she intimated that there was a lot I do not know. I'm sure there is plenty I am not aware of. However, I really do not think we will be getting any major surprises. difficult child spends most of her time right under my nose as her friends have basically dumped her since school closed. We caught her 4 times either with alcohol or drunk since May. She told the counselor that she doesn't feel that she can stop 'using'. I sit here and shake my head because I just am not quite sure what to believe. I can't tell if she's snowing the therapist or us. Is her drinking really so much that it warrants AA meetings?? I realize it certainly can't hurt...and...

Obviously if she's saying she wants help with it and is willing to go to AA, she should go and hopefully she will benefit. But I think back to when I was her age and I can say that everyone drank life fish, but not everyone became an alcoholic. I realize that she's predisposed to alcoholism and that she may be one of the ones who WILL become an alcoholic...but there is a part of me that feels its just part of normal exploration and that since the therapist makes a huge deal out of it, now difficult child is latching onto that...it's almost as if she's addicted to labels and it burns me up.

I'm so freakin tired of dealing with everything. Is it so horrible for me to feel just sick and tired of having to deal with one more thing with difficult child?? Cuz I am - and I KNOW that H is and he is not going to be happy about this at all and I am not looking forward to the heated discussion I will have to endure with him about this. His feelings about everything are always right out there - he makes no pains to hide how he feels about anything and difficult child will know that he thinks it's all crap.

I mean, J.H.C., when does this crap ever end already and can difficult child just grow up? Do what she's supposed to do and stop finding ways to make herself miserable and whine about how everything all the time?? I'm just so tired of it all.

 

[flutterbee]

As I was reading this, but before I got to your thoughts on it, I was wondering the same thing as you...who is she snowing? She seems to have a history of attention seeking...and this is a way to get attention. I'm not saying I'm right, of course. Addicts are good at hiding their addiction. It's just with her history it has me wondering....

Has she ever been diagnosis'd with a personality disorder or has it ever been mentioned?

 

[gottaloveem]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: JoG</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
I'm so freakin tired of dealing with everything. Is it so horrible for me to feel just sick and tired of having to deal with one more thing with difficult child?? Cuz I am - and I KNOW that H is and he is not going to be happy about this at all and I am not looking forward to the heated discussion I will have to endure with him about this. His feelings about everything are always right out there - he makes no pains to hide how he feels about anything and difficult child will know that he thinks it's all crap.

I mean, J.H.C., when does this crap ever end already and can difficult child just grow up? Do what she's supposed to do and stop finding ways to make herself miserable and whine about how everything all the time?? I'm just so tired of it all. </div></div>


Raising difficult child's is no easy task. It certainly isn't for wimps. All this stress can cause havoc in a marriage. You guys are totally normal if you are at each others throat over difficult child. I really don't know how you can fix this.

Janet(antsmom) said in another thread:

"no one can change these kids. they know what they need to do. toughlove shows them they can live how they want but they cannot drag us along anymore."


In regards to AA unless she really wants to stop, I don't know if she will get much from the meetings. What a shame, so many kids are going through rehab and programs for substance abuse. They are putting themselves in a position where they wont be able to have a glass of champagne at their weddings. Although drinking is certainly not a necessity as and adult. So many kids are just getting in too deep too young.

I would be ready for your next session, If the therapist thinks you have really been in the dark, there may be more to her partying than you know.

 

[jbrain]

Jo,
I really understand how you feel!!! My difficult child 1 had many people convinced she was a drug addict and alcoholic but I never was so sure about it. There was something unauthentic about the whole thing. Supposedly she was a meth addict yet she had none of the blatant symptoms of it (losing weight, jittery, etc.) Her probation officer said she had seen many meth addicts and Emily did not look like one. Then she was a heroin addict--again, it never rang true. She was found passed out from drinking too much a couple of times and I thought maybe she truly was an alcoholic. She loved her short-term rehab--mainly because they let her smoke cigarettes. I think she loved all the attention she received for being an addict and it was cool to be able to tell people about it, gave her some street credibility.

Now that she is on her own she smokes pot and drinks alcohol but I don't think it is in excess because she is able to hold down a job and works many hours. She doesn't do hard drugs anymore. I don't know what was or is wrong with her--suspect a personality disorder but she is doing so much better since she now lives on her own and has to support herself.

Anyway, I just want you to know I have felt exactly as you do--Emily snowed every therapist she ever saw and it was so frustrating! I became so cynical about her and her problems.

There is hope though--I never thought Emily would be able to take care of herself and I was wrong. I only see her and talk to her occasionally--the drama is gone, I actually enjoy her now!

Hugs,
Jane

 

[Sunlight]

I think you are just plain tired of it all.
it is wearing you out. you dont want to deal with this and you should not have to.

I say she is 17 and let her handle it as much as she can on her own. if she is telling people she is an alcoholic, then treat her like one and let her get help. it cant hurt her to learn more about the disease.

go to the meetings you planned and get it on the table, then decide how much drama you want in your own life or not.

 

[hearts and roses]

Thanks ladies. I have to say, it helps to know that I'm not going crazy or being ruthlessly mean by thinking that my difficult child may actually full of you-know-what. on the other hand, maybe there is more to this than I realize. I think I will be able to tell if she's pulling our chains on Friday at the meeting.

I hate the idea that she's putting herself into this position, like gottalovem said, where she is only 17 and will not be able or (supposed to not) drink alcohol FOREVER. Not that it's a horrible thing to go through life without a glass of wine, but I just don't see the 'out of controlness' of an alcoholic with difficult child. I get it, she's likely an episodic drinker and that hold credence with me since I grew up in a house of alcoholics....but I really am not seeing those kinds of alcoholic behaviors in difficult child. Now, she has a bad reaction to alcohol...in that the next day she's a bit of a bear and cranky, but who isn't when they've gotten less sleep and had one too many? Please don't interpet this to mean that I condone her drinking, I do not. I just think that perhaps the counselor is jumping the gun a bit and since I see difficult child MOST of the time and there is no evidence of drunkedness or even sneaky drinking, I don't see this as being an AA thing.

I guess I will find out. Just really venting. I have no one to talk with this about at all. I spoke with a friend about it and she is more along the lines of "she's doing what all kids do at this age, let her alone" and I haven't even discussed it with H at all. Everytime I have the time, he's falling asleep. Ugh...........................

I can't wait till her drama is HER drama and doesn't interfere in our lives as much or at all.

 

[DDD]

Sometimes I think the difficult child goal is to "creat themselves" into an
interesting or fascinating person. Usually they have not been
successful in becoming cheerleading captains, or starting five
basketball players, or extaordinary musicians. They want an identity...not necessary a reality...just an identity. Hugs. DDD

 

[SunnyFlorida]

an add on to DDD is also, sometimes they create an identity and then they decide that wasn't such a good idea. To watch them try and back away from it is also something I've seen.

Thinking of you.

 

[hearts and roses]

I posted a long thing and lost it. Shucks.

Anyway, the counselor gave difficult child the alcoholism test in front of me the other day and sure enough, difficult child answered YES to nearly all 20 questions. I am appalled. I mean, ever since I was little, people have marveled at my amazing sense of smell...I am talking sense of smell the level of super heroes! I can smell things from really far away - from cars 2-3 lengths in front of me, BBQ's from blocks away...and alcohol? OMG --- my strongest ever. C'mon, I am married to an alcoholic, I grew up with alcoholics, I was assaulted by an alcoholic. I KNOW the odor. So, excuse me, but I find it very difficult to believe that my difficult child has been drinking to the extent she claims right uner MY nose for 4 almost years. This kid won't eat a mint or chew gum, rarely brushes her teeth and smokes cigarettes. I smell her breath and I am bowled over most days - screaming at her to go brush her teeth.

Has she drank alcohol? Yes, I'm sure of it. Would she benefit from an AA meeting or two or three? Surely. Is she an alcoholic? I don't think so. But you know what? I will hit an Alanon meeting or 2 or 3 and get my "codependent no more" book out and read it again and work MY program so she can work hers without me micromanaging her every step of the way. Her counselor said she could bring a friend with her to her 1st meeting or me, and difficult child said not me, so that is actually fine with me. I don't want to go. But, I know she went out drinking last night and I have to NOT ask her. I will have to bite my tongue till it bleeds.

At the end of the session, difficult child also announced that when she gets a job she wants to move out. We didn't have time to address that in the session, but the counselor suggested we talk about it amongst ourselves. Ha! I thought about how she is jobless, she is 17, she is starting two classes at the community college next week and so basically, I will not give her permission. BUT, she does turn 18 in October and her friend (a guy) has already told her she can live there for $100/month. I guess we'll get to take her car out of our name and off our insurance and I hope she gets a job with bennies because she won't be covered anymore under my health plan so her medications will have to be paid in cash - good thing she's getting off with such cheap rent, huh?

Anyway, trying not to freak out, again, since I have no one to talk about this with except you fine folks here. Thanks for all the input. Have a nice weekend.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Ah Jeeze.

You know, you really do hate to think that anyone would be trying to create more drama than there already is, but the fact of the matter is, some people do. And most of the people who do that are difficult children.

It sure sounds to me like she is looking for attention. But, whether she is or not, she said she wants to go to a meeting. A meeting will certainly NOT hurt her. If the truth is she IS an alcoholic, great, she has a foot in the door. If she is not, then the worst thing that happens is she understands the disease a bit more.

My GFGI was a world class, grade-A, top-notch, USDA choice DRAMA QUEEN. Every other day it was something. And while the rest of the world did these day to day things with no problem, with Copper, it was a federal case. Some kids are just like that. What I never understood is how she was able to find so many friends who could feel sorry for her over & over & OVER...awww, poor Copper has a sprained ankle...awww, poor Copper has a hangnail...awww poor Copper's mom's foot is in her behind...

 

[hearts and roses]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Big Bad Kitty</div><div class="ubbcode-body">What I never understood is how she was able to find so many friends who could feel sorry for her over & over & OVER...awww, poor Copper has a sprained ankle...awww, poor Copper has a hangnail...awww poor Copper's mom's foot is in her behind... </div></div>

LOL. OMG - the sympathy! I have to say that most of this summer went by and NO ONE was giving difficult child any sympathy. For the most part everyone dropped her and she hardly got a phone call all Summer. It was actually sad. But with us, her family, she has a live in audience, Know what I mean?? But now, she has reacquianted herself with her old friends and I think she's really working it, if you know what I mean, and you do.

Ah, well. At least I'm not freaking out. And I can laugh about it. I love your posts, BBK.

 

[DammitJanet]

Ohhhhh for gosh sakes...your difficult child has found a therapist who doesnt recognize a true blue died in the wool personality disorder in the making here! Your difficult child is playing her for all she is worth. Im no doctor but I would give my left arm on a bet that she is probably PD not otherwise specified with borderline and histronic traits. Go read the criteria.

 

[everywoman]

Sounds like Janet hit the nail on the head. I know it is frustrating. difficult child will pull the poor me I have mental health problems/I am an addict when things don't go his way. It's the reason he doesn't have a job and can't keep one. It's the reason all of his "friends" have abadoned him. It's the reason his life ....