So worn down

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MissWinter, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. MissWinter

    MissWinter New Member

    Hello,
    Ive never posted here before but have sometimes read things here after googling issues about my son. Im here weeping over how overpowered by this situation i am. He was diagnosed adhd and odd at age six, is now age 19. I suspect both my children (21 year old daughter also) may also be on the spectrum. I developed c-ptsd from the trauma of life with my son.he was violent to me when younger , once he left me with fractured ribs and a dislicated shoulder. It got so bad i left the home at one point, prefering to be cold on the streets than be tormented amd fear for my safety at home. With the help of police ( and it was so hard to get actual help) i finally had him move out. After sometime living out of home he was arrested, spent 8 months in jail still awaiting trial, then was granted bail on the condition he live with me. The court ordered this, yet NO one asked if that was ok with me.i had no say in the matter. I feel too damaged, too exhausted, to cope. I hate that i feel this way but as much as i love my kids i want a chance to seek out my own life, to pursue goals etc. my son prevented me from working, i was sick, isolated etc. when will it be my turn? Sorry for the long aimless vent. Im tired. Im sad. I feel so beaten down and alone. The suicidal thoughts that only ever appear when living with him are creeping back. Just thoughts, i am safe. But still its scary. Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    This is awful. You have all my sympathy but my practical advice is to consult a lawyer about the terms of your son's release on bail and/or getting a protective order.

    Gather what evidence you have about the instances of domestic violence. If finances are an issue, there are legal aid organizations with family law services and lawyers who work on a sliding scale.

    A parent should never be in the position of needing physical protection from their own child. So please don't apologize or feel guilt for being there.
     
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  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending gentle hugs your way. I'm glad you are safe now. You did the right thing in saying no.
     
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It doesn't sound right that the court ordered he return to your home without consulting you. He is a legal adult, you are not responsible for him. You might try giving NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness a call, you can access them online, they have chapters in many cities, they may be able to offer you some guidance and support. They have resources and information for us, the parents. As Sam3 mentioned, you might try contacting an attorney and if you cannot afford one, contact Legal Aid. You need an advocate.

    You're depleted and beaten down, but you're going to have to fight for your rights and find out how you can remove him from your home, he is a danger to you, he is an abuser. This is domestic violence. If you are afraid for your safety if he returns to your home, call a Domestic Violence hotline (or 911) and ask for help.

    This does not sound like a safe or in any way healthy environment for you. Do whatever you can to find help within the system. Someone needs to hear the truth and protect you. You absolutely deserve to have a life of peace and safety. You deserve to feel safe and cared for. Do not allow your son to gain access to your home without fighting for what YOU want. It is your home.

    I know this is hard, but if you don't have an advocate, you're going to have to take a stand for yourself. Hang in there. Put one step in front of the other and get your life back.
     
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  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Winter

    I think you can inform the court that you will no longer allow your son to live with you because of his current behaviors. Check with a lawyer or legal aid or call the court house in your son's jurisdiction.

    Your son and his lawyer probably told the judge that he would be staying with you, and since the judge didn't hear any objections, he probably assumed it was OK.

    But it is not, and you need to assert yourself and let them know that he is abusing you and you cannot allow this to continue.

    If your son is intimidating you by yelling, threatening, breaking things, bringing in drugs or nefarious characters, or anything else that make you fearful, you need to call the police and have him arrested or removed from the home.

    You are in the depths of depression, and you feel powerless, but you are not.

    You need to act.

    I am concerned that you are having suicidal thoughts.

    Please call the Suicide Hotline or 911 (if in US) if you are having these thoughts. The pain is temporary. Please get help so that you don't have to feel like this anymore. There is help.

    Please do something now, even though you may be paralyzed by fear and doubt. Doing something proactive will make you feel better.

    Stay with us and let us know how you are doing today.

    We care.

    Apple
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, I have suffered from the deep, dark, endless pit of depression. I know how it feels and it makes life hard, so very hard. I encourage you to seek help, even if it is at a county mental health clinic with a sliding scale. I use one and love it.

    I dont think it sounds right that YOU have to take in adult child, at least not if you live in the U.S. if you dont know where to start looking for help in this, start with a domestic abuse center. Your son abused you. I am guessing they will hear you out and offer help or direct you to somebody who can. I volunteered everywhere...lol...and a domestic abuse center was one place. There is a strong desire there; to be of service so that abuse ends. Adult children can abuse us as easily as a spouse. You must do what you can to not to accept it. Domestic abuse centers do not charge money for services or counseling. At least ours did not.

    I also believe that the Judge listened to your son and assumed he was welcome home. You need to find out how to change this. Maybe Son needs to go to prison for a while. He has no right to hurt you. I am sure Son did not inform him of his violence toward you.

    Dont be afraid to post more. We want to help.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 25, 2017
  7. MissWinter

    MissWinter New Member

    Thank you so much for all your replies. I can't tell you what it means to be heard and understood. My son has been back with me for 3 months - he has not been violent since he came back but its hard not to be uneasy with his history, and my buttons are pushed easily by his O.D.D quirks. I guess deep down i am still unsure whether I want him out or not. He has court again in a few weeks so I might wait and see what happens. He may be sent back to prison. If he is violent i will of course not hesitate to ring the police. I would love to get counselling but after trying so many who were useless I am not sure how to find one. I will do my best to take care of myself and think about what my boundaries and wants are, practice my advocacy skills :) sorry i'm not feeling up for individual replies as yet but will spend more time here soon. just know i appreciate each of you.
     
  8. MissWinter

    MissWinter New Member

    Thank you so much! Yes, at court my son must have said thats where he would be living on release, and then the judge gave the orders and that was that. There wasnt even a chance for me to say anything about it. . guess it makes sense but I do feel pretty angry at how they can do that. My sons lawyer refuses to speak to me so i am completely out of the loop. I've been told the only way to change it is see the police. Will see what happens in the next court date. More prison may await him. Its terribly sad when you hope so much for your children and end up with a 19 year old behind bars. I'm sure everyone here has felt their heart break for their child in one way or another ... Thanks again for being there.
     
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You can search for therapists on the Psychology Today website and at goodtherapy.org. NAMI may be able to help you there too. Sometimes we have to "shop around" for a good therapist, like with anything else, there are good ones, mediocre ones and really great ones. You'll know, trust your instincts, make sure you are being really seen and really heard.

    Find support for yourself MissWinter, you've been thru quite a lot and it's exhausting, you need a break. Find time to do things you enjoy doing.....think about yourself, it gets to a point with our kids that they take up all the air in the room.....focus on you and your needs. You deserve a fulfilling, peaceful, joyful, satisfied life. Go find it.
     
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Why not go to the local domestic violence agency and ask them for counseling? You usually have to go to group therapy first and then you get individual. At least that is the way it is here. However they get few parents abused by kids, so you may just get individual therapy. I did. I got a lot of help from our local DV center. They were incredible. It cannot hurt to ask and the help is usually free.

    Always remember to think of the first few sessions as getting to know the therapist, or interviewing the therapist. YOU interviewing them. Some won't be the right fit, but if you stick with it, you will find someone who will really help.

    As for the issue with your son, he is on bond. Go to the bail bond person and say he cannot live with you any longer. It will revoke his bond. That means he goes to jail. They can come and get him. If you are in court when he goes, stand up and object in the court if the judge says he is to live with you. Don't just yell out, but stand up and raise your hand to get the judge's attention. Say the lawyer would not speak with you but you are not willing to have your son live with you. I know it is hard to say, but it is the best thing for your son. It forces him to face the consequences of his actions. He is the one who got into trouble, the one who abuses you. You do NOT have to take him into your home and support him. I know how hard it is. I had to do that with my son.
     
  11. MissWinter

    MissWinter New Member

    THANK YOU Susiestar. That is so good the DV centre were helpful for you. There isn't anything like that where I live , only a phone line which isnt the same as seeing the same person regularly. The phone line is trauma / DV informed and they are amazing, so at least I have that . The face to face therapists I have seen have been shockingly bad but will keep searching. I've given my son a month to move out and if he isn't out by then I'm going to the police, courts, whoever it takes. He smokes marijuana constantly in my house which is against my wishes, his bail conditions, (and illegal where I am) - he will be back to jail for sure :( . Its hard to face doing that but its really the only option and his actions have led to it. Maybe I am being too "nice" giving him a month. I think its paralysing sometimes all the emotions guilt and fear. I'm not even staying at home- I am at my parents because I cant stand it there. He demands money , lots of it and when I say no its getting scarier his aggression. I feel so dumb to be honest because even though I was cautious and didn't really fully believe his promises and charming act, part of me (wishful thinking) did get sucked in and wanted to believe so much he was a changed man after the wake up call of jail. Thanks again for understanding and kind wise words.
     
  12. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Miss Winter. My son also was diagnosed ADHD/ODD. I understand exactly how you feel.

    I want to know if you are taking an anti-depressant. Between my difficult son and my mentally ill late husband, I would not have been able to cope without one. I went through several therapists before finding one who was a good fit for me. I am just thinking that by the tone of your post, you need an anti-depressant to help you find the strength within yourself to deal with your son. It is so hard to constantly combat a kid with ODD, but battle we must.

    :warrior:
     
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  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I also found an antidepressant was incredibly helpful when things were so awful with my son. I don't think I would have been able to get through those horrible days so well without one. Don't feel bad if you have to ask your doctor for one. It can make a whole world of difference!

    As for bad therapists, I have seen some horrible ones too. That profession seems to attract the idiots and whackjobs. I think some people go into it because they need therapy and some go into it because they want to help people. It can take a while to find a good therapist because there are so many bad ones out there.

    Keep looking until you find the right one. You might look and see if your job has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). Some employers offer them and they are pretty handy. Often they offer a few counseling sessions to help with a short term problem. When I had a job that offered this, I came up with several problems that qualified for counseling. I used this to search for a therapist I liked. It was handy to have my employer pay for the first couple of sessions where I was mostly investigating whether or not the therapist was any good or not. Often you have to really dig into your employee manual to find out if you have this or not. I was shocked to learn that my son's part time $8 an hour job offers this after he has been on the job for six months!! He is in high school still! So it may be worth digging through your employee manual to look for this.

    As for your son, so what if you gave him a month? He said he was a changed man and he isn't. Go ahead and call the bail bond guy. Tell him that your son is smoking weed every day and cannot stay in your home. Also call the cops and tell them that your son is smoking weed and threatening you and he is on bond. See who comes to get him first. If it was me, I would probably tell the bail bond guy that he was talking about running instead of going to court, and they probably should come get him sooner rather than later. But I was always the mean Mommy who insisted on consequences and not being messed with. You and I both know it is going to take a crowbar and some dynamite to get your son out of your house. You just telling him to leave is not going to do it. And if you had to put up money for his bail, he won't show up for court just to be mean and make you lose it. So go ahead and turn him in and send him back to jail.
     
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Miss Winter,
    I am so sorry for what you are going through. No one should feel unsafe in their own home. I've been there with my son and it's exhausting. It's hard to get good rest when you sleep with one eye open and are always on high alert waiting for the next outburst.
    Shame on the courts and the judge for not checking with you first. I would imagine because he's 19 they just assumed you would let him live with you.

    You might consider writing a letter to the judge expressing your feelings and concern. Tell him that you did not appreciate that no one checked with you to see if it was okay for your son to live with you. Tell him the past history with your son, fractured ribs and all. Tell him that while your son is under your roof you live in fear.

    If it were me, I would not give him a month. I would contact the police. I would also add it to the letter to the judge. You do not owe your son anything. He's an adult and needs to face the consequences of his actions.

    This dear lady is called the FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
    It's very easy to get lost in the FOG. As mothers we want nothing more than to be able to help our children and to make everything okay for them. One thing that really helped me was to stop seeing my son as "my little boy" and to start seeing him as a grown man. A grown man that has no respect for me, my home or my values. When I see him for who he truly is, it makes it much easier to stay detached.

    This is pure manipulation. Please do not give him any money. If he is being aggressive or threatens you in any way report it to the police. Does he have a phone? If so, I would only communicate with him via text. That way you don't have to hear his voice and you will have a record of what he says.

    No reason to feel dumb. I've been sucked back in by my son more than a few times. I wish I would have found this site when my son was 19 and I could have save myself years of aggravation not mention lots of money! One thing I know is that our difficult adult children are masters at manipulation. They are very good at telling us what we want to hear. Where they fall short is in their actions.

    I know you are worn down but do not give into the despair. There is life on the other side of this. I am proof that you can survive the worst kind of storm with your adult difficult child and go onto to live a full and happy life. The storm you are in now is temporary, it will pass. Come out of the FOG and step into YOUR life, it's there and it's waiting for you to embrace it.

    I'm so glad you are here with us. These pages are filled with so much wisdom from warrior parents.

    ((HUGS)) to you.......................
     
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  15. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Report him for bail violations. Contact the courts, the police, whomever, you need to contact. Call the police if you are at home and he is smoking in your house. Do it from a safe location.
     
  16. Boston Mom

    Boston Mom New Member

    I am jumping in quite late here. Am thankful that I have found this forum. I can relate to every one of the parents on these pages. My 20 year old son has suffered from severe depression since he was 11. He has been in and out of two dozen hospital programs (in-patient/out-patient). I relate to the hopelessness expressed here. I have gone broke trying to find miracle cures and interventions for him. I will post more. Right now, I'm just deep breathing. Prayers and peace to all of you who post on this site.
     
  17. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    And heart emojis for you too BostonMom (many)