Like most of us I am heartbroken about the Pittsburgh synagogue killings. There are no words. There is something more that comes up for me. I am a Jew. My son was neither born Jewish or raised Jewish. I tried to integrate him into my faith as a small child but the barriers at that time I felt to be considerable. My son, about 5 years back, became interested in and started to spout conspiracy theory lingo. His main focus was on Illuminati/Reptiles, something I had not heard of until then. With that he began to talk about "the Rothschilds" and "Soros." And once a couple of years ago when I had begun to read a little Kabbalah or Jewish mysticism I mentioned it--and he knowingly associated it was the Cabal, which I think is an anti-Semitic trope. My son does not know Jewish people really except for me, and in the past, my mother and my sister. He is good-hearted and not fueled by hatred or resentment in any way. His motive to identify with this way of thinking is to belong and to have something with which to identify, understand the world, and probably to deal with his own sense of confusion about race and racial identification (he is bi-racial and looks Caucasian.) At this point my son and I are not in contact. I had kicked him out from the other house (very painful) which necessitated several police calls. I believe he is now homeless and a couple of months ago I texted something to him which was rejecting and emotional and he responded by cutting me off. He has texted once, just one word: hello? Little by little I am sleeping (with pills) and not waking up at 430 most days consumed by fear and loss. But the thing is this: It is hard to mourn what happened in Pittsburgh knowing that my son could well be not feeling compassion but believes instead this is a "False Flag" to control events politically. I recognize that there are many people like my own son who believe this about many attacks (Paris, 911, Boston, Sandy Hook, etc.) and I am not taking away their right to believe this. But right now I am hurting and I identify with these martyred people. They are me. And I am them. It is hard to accept that my own son cannot or will not have empathy for me. And the reality M does not really understand either. He sees it as something I feel more deeply because these are my people. I do not think he is getting it. He sees the loss of every life as deeply meaningful yet believes that people have appointments to die that are written. This for him takes away a lot of the disbelief when human agency intervenes to "cut life short." So. My question is this: How do I hold my son, who holds these beliefs? A part of me is recoiling against him. And I do not want him to hurt me emotionally anymore. And I am afraid of this. I do not want to push him away. He is vulnerable. And yet, I am too. If he will not accept and respect my humanity how do I stay in relation with him? Thank you.