Welcome from an Aussie.
I echo the others - get "The Explosive Child". Get it yesterday. From the library if you can, because you may need to order it in to a bookshop (it's very popular). For an advance idea, there is some discussion on it in Early Childhood.
I also watch SuperNanny, and wonder how she would have dealt with difficult child 3. Or easy child 2/difficult child 2, for that matter! She's good, darn good, but she's mainstream and orthodox. The Naughty Chair won't work the same way with our kids, because it's focussing on naughtiness, not on catching the child out when he's good.
Today is Autism Day, the radio said this morning. I tried to ring in and tell them, "I have two and a half kids on the spectrum," but their switchboard was jammed. There are a lot of people in the same boat as us.
Your son needs an evaluation. You've had a doctor say he's Aspie, plus dyspraxia - red flag for misdx, in my book. It does depend on how it's all defined in your area, but Down Under, the docs we've seen have been clear - Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is the umbrella term. Within Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) there are other categories including Asperger's and autism. difficult child 1 is Asperger's, because he has all the classic signs of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), is high-functioning and has extreme special interest and skill areas. difficult child 3 is autistic because as well as being a lot like difficult child 1, he also had quite significant language delay. He started school at 5, still with major language deficits. He has now caught up (and now he can talk, he won't shut up!) but the diagnosis of autism is for life. It includes his history, which says that he HAD language delay.
As for ODD - it is not a 'made up' diagnosis. However, my working hypothesis (don't yell at me, people - it's just how I approach it with difficult child 3) is that ODD is induced as a result of his way of thinking/operating coupled with my original use of traditional discipline techniques, which were exactly wrong for him. By changing my discipline technique and also doing my utmost to connect with his way of operating, we are eliminating the ODD signs in difficult child 3.
Now there may be kids out there for whom the DSM IV criteria mean that have something which makes them automatically, instinctively and permanently oppositional despite everything you try to do. If so - I pity you. At least using my methods (which mostly adopt "The Explosive Child" methods), we have seen what was called ODD in difficult child 3, evaporate.
I suspect you will find the same.
You're already doing some things right. By not yelling, by not shouting at or hitting him, you are already paving the way for him to model his behaviour on yours.
Star charts can be useful in some limited areas, but if you have a particularly bright kid, he will find them embarrassingly condescending. We still have a merit system - I bribe difficult child 3 to get his schoolwork done FAST. The merit system was originally linked to his evening behaviour, which was a huge problem. For every day he didn't have a meltdown (defined as having to be sent to his room - that never worked, either, not for him) he earned fifteen minutes with me playing a computer game with him. I chose Mario Party" because it's like a fun board game and didn't need too much skill on my part. It's important for the reward to be non-material, although I have relented and he earns a packet of Maltesers for each credit. Currently he's trying to cash in credits for Wii points. But now, the meltdowns are no longer being dealt with in this way because they are far less a problem.
I had to get into his head. Why does he do, say, feel what he does? What triggers him? What sets him off? What calms him down?
You've had some good advice already, about questioning him when he's mentally exhausted. You need to stop and think - what are you trying to achieve? Are you trying to turn it into a lesson for him? In which case, once you get to the point where he can no longer stay focussed on the task, then drop it, you are not achieving your aim. Short bursts only, then stop BEFORE he gets to the "I'm tired" or meltdown stage. Preferably, talk about it when he's not stirred up.
Discipline only works when the lesson is being learned from it. You should never discipline out of a desire for justice (= revenge, in the mind of the child). As a result, we accept natural consequences. If difficult child 3 deliberately knocks over a plate of cakes and they get eaten by the dog (hypothetical - we don't have cakes or a dog, plus difficult child 3 doesn't do this sort of thing) then nobody gets any cakes. The natural consequences of this are that difficult child 3 has everybody else mad at him. difficult child 3 also gets no cakes. And the dog follows him around hopefully.
Another example - difficult child 3 wants to go outside without his coat but it's snowing. I first try to get him to wear his coat, but it's likely he's in too much of a hurry to get out and have fun. If I didn't make a federal case out of it, he doesn't have to worry about losing face in coming back and getting his coat. But if I try to argue with him about it, he will get angry and I might lose the fight (one day, I will). And then when he feels cold, he will be VERY unwilling to admit he was wrong.
So now - if he goes outside in winter without his coat, I will put it near the door for him, for when he realises.
Another option is to ask as he dashes out, "Do you want your blue coat or your red one?"
These kids need choice, they need self-determination, they need to learn to control their world which for them seems so often to be out of their control. This doesn't mean handing the reins over to them, but it DOES mean letting them try, make mistakes and at least own their own decisions. Begin by letting him have freedom in choices which don't matter to you.
Also recognise that he probably has a lot of stress at school, from trying to hold it together all day. he will need to vent and behave badly when he comes home. So instead of having him dump all his negative behaviour on you, find something very physical for him to do immediately after school. Preferably NOT team sport or anything organised; he needs to be able to control his own body in what he does. A trampoline is good. Chopping wood would be marvellous, if you could trust him with an axe. difficult child 1 used to throw his throwing knives at a block of wood against the back fence. Going for a run, alone (but supervised, if other people are around). The school day can build up a lot of adrenaline which needs to be burnt off before he can cope with being civil.
For a while we had a jogging trampoline. We could use it indoors (good for wet weather) and it was great for burning off that extra adrenaline. Now it's computer games. They can play something violent and get the anger out of their system that way.
But then you have to bring them back. Homework can be a huge issue, especially if they're on medications for ADHD, because when the medications wear off, it's so hard for them to stay focussed on homework. I would make it easier on them by either getting homework scheduled on a weekend, or shoving food at them as they worked. Encouraging them to work solidly for half an hour, then to reward themselves with a game, was good.
Something else important - task-changing. This can be a HUGE trigger. No matter what the task, even if it's something they don't like, they will not want to stop it without warning. Following the evening routine was horrendous, with the list of things to do. Having the list written down on a chalk board helps.
We find that we need to give time warnings. For a while as we established this, we had to use post-it notes. Example: difficult child 1 was playing a computer game. "difficult child 1, you need to have your bath in fifteen minutes." We would write "BATH" on a post-it note, with the time he had to go, and stick it to a corner of the monitor. We would give him a five-minute warning, and then tell him to go when he was ready. By using the note, he couldn't say he hadn't been warned. Whenever he HAD insisted, "But I never heard you tell me!" we finally had to accept he couldn't remember being told, even though we had heard him reply.
By giving him a timed warning, we usually included, "get to a save point, or pause. Your choice." Both boys now know that when we give them a timed warning while they're playing a game, they must use the time to get to a logical point at which to stop. If this happens before the allotted time, then that's good. But if not - well, they had time in which to make a choice.
We give a little leeway and it's paid back to us in compliance and politeness.
Both boys had problems increasing at school, due to difficulty getting started on a task followed by the rest of the class instantly changing before they were ready. It was sequential - the tasks were changing too fast, and the boys got nothing done. Once they began correspondence, they found that they preferred to stay working on one subject at a time and finish it, rather than spend half an hour on English, then half an hour on maths, etc.
I've gone on a fair bit, but if you take this and then think about how your son thinks and functions, you should see how you can begin to apply this.
Remember, he is learning social skills from the way you handle him. Try and avoid punishments organised by you. Instead, natural consequences (so he can't blame you, he has to accept his own responsibility). He will shout at you now and then. Carry on as you have been. Don't punish when he's reacting out of frustration or fear, just deal with his frustration or fear first, THEN later on talk to him about how he reacted.
And if he doesn't seem to 'get it' in an area, no matter how hard you try, then drop it. he may just be not ready to handle that yet. Either he's unable to comply, or unable to control himself sufficiently to comply in a crisis. Either way, he will be punishing himself more harshly than anything you could do.
Stick around. Tell us how you're getting on.
Marg
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