blackgnat
Active Member
Hi all, I have posted before about my son, as recently as about a week ago. (On the end of one of Payla's posts)
From August to March, he was in mission where he was in a program for homeless men who have drug and alcohol problems. He also has mental issues, but had to omit that fact or they wouldn't have taken him. He did really well there, loved the work and enjoyed his sobriety. Graduated the program and was accepted into a halfway house. His probation ended about two weeks later and he immediately left the house, saying he wanted more freedom.
He then couch surfed with some "sugar daddies"-he is seemingly bisexual and would go on craigslist to exchange sex for drugs and alcohol. After about 48 hours, he decided he couldn't handle it and asked if he could stay with me. I am currently subleasing an apartment that I only have until mid July . I really didn't want this, but because I am dysfunctional, enmeshed and a pushover (am currently in therapy to detach) I said he could come for ONE night. He did and set up a place with another sugar daddy who was willing to house him for as long as he wanted to stay. That lasted about 3 days.
So I got another call asking me to come get him. I said no. He said that he would be dead -has attempted suicide but always halfheartedly. One of his diagnosis is bipolar and another one is schizo affective disorder. From what I have read about Borderline (BPD) I think it's more that. He's VERY manipulative, conniving and sociopathic. I still refused to pick him up. I refused to answer the phone. He then left a message saying that he had called the Pastor at the halfway house and he was coming to pick him up the following day. I was SO relieved that he had made THAT choice!
The next day I got a call from him saying that he was in the local hospital. He had got drunk (BAC of .39!) and had fallen down a flight of concrete stairs. He had 2 staples in his head. They kept him there for a few days, then transferred him to the state mental hospital. He went from there to a rehab for a few days. He then called me from the rehab and asked again if he could just stay one night with me and we would go back to the Mission from which he had graduated. One night turned into 3 (there was a sudden death of one of the staff there, so the Mission was being respectful of this) but I eventually took him back and they accepted him.
I visited him after about a week and he was back to his sober, hardworking hopeful guy that he seems to be at this mission. He had a psychiatric appointment where he got klonopin. He started abusing it and even though they drug tested him and said it was okay, one of the managers felt he was abusing it and said he should tell the truth or leave. My son decided to leave. This was Saturday. He wanted me to pick him up. I said no. He walked to another mission in town-one that is much more liberal and seems pretty unsafe. He left after a day and went to couch surf with someone whom he had bumped into and was friendly with while at the first place.
He called this morning and said not to worry, he was safe, but that there was a lot of temptation around and could he stay with me for a few days? I said no. (We are planning a trip to Colorado in June to see his younger brother and my ex, who live there. My plan is to leave him there and hope he can make a new start). I said he could stay here on the night before we leave for Colorado but not more than that.
So now, 5 hours later, I get a call from him. He sounds drunk or messed up. He said he had just been jackknifed (don't know what this is) and thrown out of a car. Could I pick him up and could he stay with me? I said no. He should go back to the mission or go to hospital. He called again. I repeated my answer and said he had got himself into this and had to find help for himself.
He is 24. It seems that all it takes is about 24 hours in an unstructured environment for him to absolutely eff things up and get himself into the most horrendous situations. I truly think he's going to die or get killed or arrested (has been in jail about 12 times) and I feel SO guilty, but I have done everything and more to help this kid. It seems that no matter what I do or try or whatever opportunities he is given to start over, he goes back to the danger.
His father is a good person, but completely emotionally unavailable. I have borne this burden alone and I'm just so drained.
I'm SO sorry this is so long.
My question really is:
Am I doing the right thing by refusing to pick him up? The ending is ALWAYS the same, no matter what I do. He has been to ERs, rehabs, clinics, jail multiple times. Nothing is working. He does have mental health issues-is it REALLY his fault that he keeps making the wrong choice? He often says he'd rather live in the criminal space because he's not cut out for the normal world. I see this but he needs to stop dragging me into it. I have nothing left to offer.
But is it MY fault if he ends up dead? I COULD give him a space on the floor here for a couple of weeks, but I don't want to. I don't know what he'll get up to. He could rage and damage the property. Last time he was here for the one night, I went to work the next day and when I got home he was high because he'd gone on craigslist and had THREE guys here. He said they weren't in the apartment and that he met them downstairs (as if that makes it okay) but I don't believe him. He wants his needs met at any cost and expects me to rescue him. I'm done.
Even typing all I've typed is so normal to me because I'm so used to this chaos and lunacy!
All comments are welcome. SOOOOOO sorry for the length of this and thanks to all who have even got this far....
From August to March, he was in mission where he was in a program for homeless men who have drug and alcohol problems. He also has mental issues, but had to omit that fact or they wouldn't have taken him. He did really well there, loved the work and enjoyed his sobriety. Graduated the program and was accepted into a halfway house. His probation ended about two weeks later and he immediately left the house, saying he wanted more freedom.
He then couch surfed with some "sugar daddies"-he is seemingly bisexual and would go on craigslist to exchange sex for drugs and alcohol. After about 48 hours, he decided he couldn't handle it and asked if he could stay with me. I am currently subleasing an apartment that I only have until mid July . I really didn't want this, but because I am dysfunctional, enmeshed and a pushover (am currently in therapy to detach) I said he could come for ONE night. He did and set up a place with another sugar daddy who was willing to house him for as long as he wanted to stay. That lasted about 3 days.
So I got another call asking me to come get him. I said no. He said that he would be dead -has attempted suicide but always halfheartedly. One of his diagnosis is bipolar and another one is schizo affective disorder. From what I have read about Borderline (BPD) I think it's more that. He's VERY manipulative, conniving and sociopathic. I still refused to pick him up. I refused to answer the phone. He then left a message saying that he had called the Pastor at the halfway house and he was coming to pick him up the following day. I was SO relieved that he had made THAT choice!
The next day I got a call from him saying that he was in the local hospital. He had got drunk (BAC of .39!) and had fallen down a flight of concrete stairs. He had 2 staples in his head. They kept him there for a few days, then transferred him to the state mental hospital. He went from there to a rehab for a few days. He then called me from the rehab and asked again if he could just stay one night with me and we would go back to the Mission from which he had graduated. One night turned into 3 (there was a sudden death of one of the staff there, so the Mission was being respectful of this) but I eventually took him back and they accepted him.
I visited him after about a week and he was back to his sober, hardworking hopeful guy that he seems to be at this mission. He had a psychiatric appointment where he got klonopin. He started abusing it and even though they drug tested him and said it was okay, one of the managers felt he was abusing it and said he should tell the truth or leave. My son decided to leave. This was Saturday. He wanted me to pick him up. I said no. He walked to another mission in town-one that is much more liberal and seems pretty unsafe. He left after a day and went to couch surf with someone whom he had bumped into and was friendly with while at the first place.
He called this morning and said not to worry, he was safe, but that there was a lot of temptation around and could he stay with me for a few days? I said no. (We are planning a trip to Colorado in June to see his younger brother and my ex, who live there. My plan is to leave him there and hope he can make a new start). I said he could stay here on the night before we leave for Colorado but not more than that.
So now, 5 hours later, I get a call from him. He sounds drunk or messed up. He said he had just been jackknifed (don't know what this is) and thrown out of a car. Could I pick him up and could he stay with me? I said no. He should go back to the mission or go to hospital. He called again. I repeated my answer and said he had got himself into this and had to find help for himself.
He is 24. It seems that all it takes is about 24 hours in an unstructured environment for him to absolutely eff things up and get himself into the most horrendous situations. I truly think he's going to die or get killed or arrested (has been in jail about 12 times) and I feel SO guilty, but I have done everything and more to help this kid. It seems that no matter what I do or try or whatever opportunities he is given to start over, he goes back to the danger.
His father is a good person, but completely emotionally unavailable. I have borne this burden alone and I'm just so drained.
I'm SO sorry this is so long.
My question really is:
Am I doing the right thing by refusing to pick him up? The ending is ALWAYS the same, no matter what I do. He has been to ERs, rehabs, clinics, jail multiple times. Nothing is working. He does have mental health issues-is it REALLY his fault that he keeps making the wrong choice? He often says he'd rather live in the criminal space because he's not cut out for the normal world. I see this but he needs to stop dragging me into it. I have nothing left to offer.
But is it MY fault if he ends up dead? I COULD give him a space on the floor here for a couple of weeks, but I don't want to. I don't know what he'll get up to. He could rage and damage the property. Last time he was here for the one night, I went to work the next day and when I got home he was high because he'd gone on craigslist and had THREE guys here. He said they weren't in the apartment and that he met them downstairs (as if that makes it okay) but I don't believe him. He wants his needs met at any cost and expects me to rescue him. I'm done.
Even typing all I've typed is so normal to me because I'm so used to this chaos and lunacy!
All comments are welcome. SOOOOOO sorry for the length of this and thanks to all who have even got this far....