Son not speaking to me

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Holly10011, Mar 2, 2016.

  1. Holly10011

    Holly10011 New Member

    I have been lucky. Until now, my son (20) has not given me a bad day. Easy to raise, polite, well liked,respectful , kind, intelligent, loved school. Has been far away in college and been successful at establishing his independence. He comes home only during winterbreak, but we communicate by phone and or email 2-4 times a month. Recently he has his first girlfriend who I met during winter break.

    Last month I noticed a handful of bizarre photos posted on both of their Facebook pages. I was shocked. Without thought emailed asking WHY they would want the world to see these. I asked if they were producing horror films. I should NOT have asked that but the images were beyond disturbing and I feared that they could harm their futures if seen by the wrong person.

    Half and hour later they removed the images. I followed up with a thank you, apologizing that I got so upset, and then went on to normal conversation. It has been 4 weeks not and I have NO communication . I have called, emailed, texted and even asked that he PLEASE just let me know he is allright. NOTHING from either of them.

    A few weeks prior my son emailed me with the news that he was hired for his first choice summer job, adding a "thanks mom " he knows he would never be where he is today, if not for my giving him direction. It was really beautiful, but I guess he's forgotten all of that.

    The last email I sent last week reads:
    Dear _______,
    Do you think that it is fair for one regrettable incident for which I've apologized, to quash 20 years ongoing unconditional love and kindness?
    Love, Mom

    I have NO reply.
    He is my only child and this is far beyond what I had ever expected . Do one thing "wrong " and thats it ??? So Im still confused as to what I did that was SOO terrible, especially since I apologized for coming down so hard. I have been devestated by this , unable to sleep, or concentrate on anything else.

    I dont want to call or email any more as that is not proving to get results.
    Is he gone forever?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Probably not.

    You say hes never given you any trouble. Does he have anything unusual in his past at all? If not, suspect he is under the spell of the girl for now. Or maybe he is being badly influenced in college. Are you paying for college?

    I am not judging you so dont take it that way but I NEVER tell my grown kids what to do. I figure they dont want my input and will learn from their own mistskes. That doesnt mean though that your son is being nice or reasonable.

    If he lives on his own on his own dime there is nothing you can do. If not, you can do what my ex recently did to one of our kids who was ignoring him. Im not saying this is a good idea but it worked for him. He sent him a certified letter informing him that since he no longer seems to want to be his son, he is writing him out of his will and that the letter is stage one. He heard back He has money.

    You can try a slight variation of what my ex wrote.
    In your case you can wait it out or send a similar letter explaining you will no longer be paying his bills (if you are) since you are no longer able to communicate with him.
    I actually think trying too hard, as in beseeching letters, make them lose respect for us and make them feel all powerful over us. It doesnt work.
    My first choice would be to wait it out but if you are paying his bills, you can choose to no longer do it. Once you stop, he'll be in touch. This is not nice of him. Even if the girl is telling him to do it, he is making the decision to agree to mistreat you
    So its his choice in the end..
    Hope it works out soon. I think it will resolve eventually.
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    Last edited: Mar 2, 2016
  3. piolin

    piolin New Member

    My heart aches for you Stay strong I also agree he maybe under the girlfriends spell... I would just want to know if he is ok I mean safe and he is just not speaking to me then I would wait it out a bit If you do help pay his bills then by all means that is a tool I would use carefully Hope he calls you soon you need to hear from your boy... Praying for him and you
  4. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Holly. I know this is truly difficult for you. I am thinking that perhaps your son is embarrassed for his lack of judgement with the photos that he posted on FB. Has he "unfriended" you?

    My significant other's son is in college and refuses to even allow us to be his FB friends. I think there are a lot of partying pictures on his page (also stupid). SO tried to follow him on Twitter awhile back, and son was upset by that. The point is that in general your son is handling his life pretty well. Now is the time to exercise some trust in him. Trust him to come back to you, but allow him some freedom. Resist the urge to contact him. Give him the space to miss you.

    Distract yourself by finding something new to do with your time that is fun.

    Many warm hugs for your hurting mother's heart.
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  5. Holly10011

    Holly10011 New Member

  6. Holly10011

    Holly10011 New Member

    Thank you VERY much for taking the time to respond- This is the VERY first time that I have told him ( actually suggested ) what he do. WE have never had "rules' in raising him. I see your point as far as learning from their mistakes . I am not paying for college. He is on a full academic scholarship with all covered.
    In addition he works a 20 hr week paying job. He has more money than I and or his dad. I was going to calll him again on Sun. but after reading your post have decided against. I'll wait it out and only time will tell.
    Thansk again for your kindness - Wishing you a peaceful day.
  7. Holly10011

    Holly10011 New Member

  8. Holly10011

    Holly10011 New Member

    Thanks for taking the time to respond
    Thanks also for the suggestions that seem to be in line with the others.
    I will not contact him and just wait it out - Thus far he and girlfriend have not unfriended me.

    Glad I found this group which has helped me more than I would have imagined.
    Wishing you a peaceful day.
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Holly, welcome to the forum, sorry for your need to be here. Your son, for the most part, sounds like a good kid. He may be embarrassed about the photos. Sheesh at least you emailed him, and did not "out" him on FB.
    I agree with this. I have noticed sometimes kids in college go beyond their normal boundaries, make mistakes, poor judgement. It seems your son, is doing pretty well despite this foolishness. I do not think kids understand the damage social media can bring. At least they took the photos down.

    Give him the space to miss you. Yes. So, time to focus on you and figure out what you want for the rest of your life. I think when we do this as parents of adult children, we are showing them by example that it is never too late to strive to be our best selves.

    Give it some time. You are going to be alright.

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He sounds like a good, responsible young man. Let him come to you. He will.
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  11. Holly10011

    Holly10011 New Member

  12. Holly10011

    Holly10011 New Member

    Thank you very much for your kind words................
    Only time will tell . Wishing you a peaceful day
  13. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi Holly, I hope you are having a good weekend. I understand how a situation like this, coming out of the blue, can send you reeling.

    I don't think you did anything to worry about at all. You stated that you don't think it's a good idea at all to put that type of photo on FB. That is a common understanding and most reasonable people understand the damage social media can do on many levels. Basic stuff, right?

    If he took offense at that, well, so be it. He'll get over it.

    Who knows what goes on inside a 20yold's head? And if he has a girlfriend, she is the most influential person on him right now. Who knows what goes on in her head?

    You are going to be fine. I'm hoping he's just done a little something crazy and all will be well. He sounds like a good kid.

    I hope you are enjoying your own weekend, free from worry. Let him be for a while, if you can. Most things have a way of working out without our involvement at all.

    Do something for YOU today! We're here for you if you need us.

    Warm hugs.
  14. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    I think the girlfriend may have had a hand in the suddenly stopping all communication. You don't know what is going on between the two of them. He is young and has never given you any trouble- but maybe he is just taking some space, time to figure out his life, his mistakes, probably embarrassed, etc.

    Lay low- do nothing. You did nothing wrong by letting him know about FB images. It's his issue if he took offence to it. I am sorry and I know the waiting will be hard. But hang in there. Like I said, probably the girlfriend got miffed and is in his head and under her control for now.