Son Sentenced To TYC

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pasajes4, Mar 8, 2014.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My son will serve time in tyc for probation violations. If he were not almost 18, he could have been sent back to treatment. They can hold him until he is 19 years old. I will not be able to visit him very often since he will be hundreds of miles from our city. He is scared. I am in a strange place of hurting for him and anger that all of this could have been avoided if he would have just followed the rules.
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    I am so sorry, pas. Of course you are hurting for him and angry with him as well. And for yourself, as his mother, it is hard and sad and maddening to see this happening to our kids and not be able to do one thing to stop it.

    Most of the time they don't keep them as long as they can, for the simple fact that it costs a lot. Here in our state we have a 30% rule, which means that whatever the sentence, it usually gets reduced by 30%.

    As your feelings move from this shock into thinking about the future---with this situation---think about the fact that he is off the street and in a safe place, as much as it is.

    You can write him letters of support and encouragement and aspiration and he can sit with those letters and really take them in, much more than conversations.

    You will have some relief for a while, pas. I am glad about that for you. You need time, too. Time to heal from the relentless stress of this.

    And maybe, just maybe, as he gets a few months older, and he has time to see where he has landed, really, he will be ready to do something new. That can start in jail---it doesn't have to wait until he gets out. There are many programs in jail that can help one become more equipped to deal with the outside world. Maybe he will take advantage of those and learn some new skills.

    Often, I have found that after my initial anger, despair and grief have passed, when my son gets sentenced (again and again), I also start to notice a new calm and a new relief.

    I hope you can find that too. But I am sorry too---I am sorry it has come to this for your precious son. Please keep talking to us about how you are feeling. We care.
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  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and understanding.
  4. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    I'm thinking of you and praying your difficult child will see the light and start working toward a better future. You've done all that you can do.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Pasajes. I understand how you feel. My difficult child is serving a jail term for probation violation too. Here in CA. it's a 50% rule, she got 120 days but will serve 60.

    I respond to my difficult child's fear too. And hurt. Those are the two emotions that impact me the most and I have to work harder to get myself back on track.

    There is nothing else you can do. Soon this will simply be your "new normal" and you and he will adapt to it. In the meantime, I will pray for you and your son.............and hope that peace of mind and comfort find you..........
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  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Recovering told me once that our children have their own destinies, their own fates and purpose. I took some comfort in that. So much of what happens with our difficult child kids doesn't make sense. It isn't as though they didn't know better than to do what they've done. But when they are afraid, or hurt, or hungry, that whole idea of natural consequences rings hollow. I just want it all to stop. But the world keeps moving. The days pass. I find I am a little stronger. I think about it less.

    Soon, I dream about it less, wake up in the night fewer times.

    I know you know the Serenity Prayer already, but I will post it here for you again anyway, pasajes. Someone did that for me after something really bad happened. She told me to read and reread it until I felt it begin to work. I did that.

    And it helped me.

    God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    The Courage to change the things I can,
    And the Wisdom to know the difference.

    The pain will pass, pasajes. Your life will become your own again. The thing you dreaded, the thing you could not believe, has happened. Life has taken a different direction than you ever imagined.

    I'm so sorry, pasajes.

    You are strong enough to do this, strong enough to do what is required.

  7. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi Pasajes,

    Wanted you to know you and your son are in my thoughts and prayers today. You will adjust; this will get better...and you know, it may be the best thing that could have happened to your son. Some person or some light bulb moment may make him try harder than ever to get his life back on track.

    Seeing your child "locked up" is difficult. Watching their self-destruction when they are "free" is also difficult. Both are scary. At least, with the incarceration, the downward spiral is stopped, if only for awhile.

    When our gfg32 went to jail the first time, husband and I were devastated....and pretty upset the next ....four times.... i believe. It would be 10 days here, 30 days there. Once it was 4 days. But then, came the worst. He spent a year in jail and few months in prison and that was even more frightening..although he took a couple online college courses, worked in the prison library, etc. My worst fears never happened.

    Please let us know how you are doing.
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for all of your kind words. I too respond to his fear and hurt more than any of his other emotional states. I am learning to let him grow and to give him the power of living his life and making his mistakes. I no longer take the credit for HIS success nor do I take the blame for his failures. I want to be able to love him no matter what his life choices may be.
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  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I hope that he and you will be well. What a terribly difficult way for him to learn consequences. It may be the lesson that sticks with him. Fingers crossed.
  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you and saying prayers for you and your son.

  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your support. I think it is starting to sink in. He has moments of clarity. I have moved past the anger of him getting into this situation and have arrived at acceptance. I can visit with him and listen to him vent without jumping in with advice. I can enjoy being with him and love him simply because no matter what.....he is my son.
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