secondhandrose
New Member
So I was just browsing the internet trying to get some practical advice and found this forum. I have read some of these threads and found encouragement. Thank you all
I am literally losing sleep and my health is failing because of my anxiety over our current situation. I will try to give a brief history about our family, but I think it will be a bit long, because it is so hard to sum it all up. So God bless you if you read the whole thing! I really need your help.
I met my husband 5 years ago and at the time his son( I will call him Jerrod) was 12 years old and living two states away. His vistation was only twice a year for approximately one week at a time.Needles to say the relationship between the two of them was one that needed to be cultivated and I knew that my husband was at a point in his life where he knew this as well. I should add that he had his son at the very young age of 15, so he really wasn't too sure how to be a Dad through High School and then while away at college. I wanted to help this boy be closer to his Dad. I was a single Mom of a 7 year old girl(I'll call her Emm) when we came in to thier lives and saw that his son needed to feel more at home with his Dad when he came for visits. There was a period of time when my husband did not get to see his son for approx 3 years because his mother had moved away and refused contact. This was from the time that Jerrod was about 3 until he was about 7 years old. When we moved in together I tried to make his son feel at home, safe and loved when he came for visits. I wanted him to know that he was just as important and loved as my daughter who was with us full time, and I knew that there may be some underlying jealousy there with good reason on Jarrod's part.
My husband and I were married 3 years ago and have since moved to a place with enough rooms for Jarrod to have his own room. I painted it his favorite color and tried to make it feel like his own. I really pushed for him to stay with us for longer periods of time and he was happy to come for the last two Summers for just over a month each time and then for Christmas break. We even got to fly him out for Easter weekend too. He was very happy about spending more and more time with us and even considered moving here. I have invested a lot of time in him when he is here. He has opened up to me and vented his frustrations about his childhood, and situation at home, which according to him has not been easy. His Mother has been through one divorce and going through her second. He claims that there is a history of drug use in the home as well. He has been very open and receptive to me. I don't know how much of everything he says is true,(his Dad thinks some of his stories are just for attention or to test my love for him) but I have always listened to him with compassion and an openess to his feelings and never said that I don't believe him. He feels more comforatable talking to me about emotional things probably because he was raised by his Mom. I've cried for him many times just wishing I could have been there for him sooner. His Dad and him are much closer now, and he is also very close with my daughter as well.
Last Summer he sat me down and told me that he has been using drugs and in trouble. He did not want me to tell his Dad until after he went back home. I tried to assure him that there was NOTHING that either of our kids could ever do to make us love them any less. He told me he had been using a lot of Pot and also any pills he could get his hands on. He says he has used a lot of mushrooms and has done every drug except Meth. He was caught for selling, stealing and using and has been on probation since last summer. After Jarrod went home that trip, his Dad wrote him a very long letter letting him know that he was going to be here to help him in anyway he could and did not condemn him, he just tried to encourage Jarrod to do the right thing and keep fighting to over come it all. It was a beautiful letter full of so much love for his son. Jerrod was off probation for very small period of time but got caught again. He spent a night in Juvy and has been in a rehabilitation program and is 9 months sober (from drugs) he still brags about his drinking. If you read on you will see that his drug sobriety time line does not quite add up according to his story. He claims that he knows how to beat the system by taking large quantities of Niacin before UA's and says he has passed a few tests because of it. I told him that Niacin is dangerous in large quantities. In the same token he claims he has in fact been sober for 9 months. I don't know what to believe, but I hope he is clean. He will be 18 in January and will be looking at a longer sentance in jail if he gets caught again before the end of his probation at 18 and a half. Jarrod also had a girlfriend last Summer who came for a visit with him and she stole various items from us while she was here. She is a very troubled girl and also a substance/alcohol abuser. They have since broken up and he has been on a continual emotional roller coaster with her for over a year. She has been very destructive to him emotionally and he had at one point turned back to drugs and was in a deep depression and had to go on prescription drugs for insomnia/depression. He is very defensive of her (they are still friends and he thinks she is "the one" and thinks he will eventually marry her)and it has been the source of great turmoil with his Mother at home, because obviously she doesn't approve of their realtionship.
When he came for his visit this year he was trying to seek validation from us to get back together with this girl and he did not get it from us. This caused him to try to pick fights with me continually. Which I did not take the bait for. I had a gentle answer avoided arguing but he was very mean towards me and only when his Dad was not around to hear it. His last visit here I might add, Jarrod was telling me that he was so glad his Dad married me and though he was still resenting his Dad a bit he was happy to be establishing a good relationship with him. We have had a good relationship until now. This visit he was telling my daughter that we (my husband and I) treat her badly, are unfair, and I am a horrible nag to his Dad. He bragged continually about his defiancy back home with his Mom, teachers, and law enforcement right in front of Emm. He also told both me and Emm that kids should not have to help around the house and do chores because it is not thier responsibility. They are only kids once and should just have fun. Emm thought this was great she's 12 now and really trying to come in to her own. She looks up to Jarrod a lot and considers him a great big brother. We had a long discussion with them both and tried to set them straight on teaching responsibility, but Emm has now been very defiant towards us and we have had to try to get her back on track since Jarrod went back home. Jarrod also took me aside one day to tell me that someday Emm will use drugs, because he can tell she has it in her personality. He is also mean to our cats when we are not around. Emm has wittnessed him smacking them. I have tried not to take too much personally but it is so hard to only have a small amount of time with him and have the house be full of tension during our visits. I feel heart sick over this, and am having trouble sleeping. I have had continual serious health problems for most of my life and it has been a balancing act to be a Momma, wife and take care of myself. Jarrod has told Emm that I pretend to be sick for attention. I have not tried to overstep any boundries with him and would not ever try to make him think that I am trying to take the place of his Mother, I have not tried to be his best friend, I have simply tried my hardest to fight for his rightful place in this family and to be a listening ear. He left very resentful of me even though we did not ever even have a confrontation. We strongly suspect that he is angry that I told him his ex girlfriend can't come here. His Mom warned us that he would get VERY angry if we said anything negative about this girl. His first night back home he was pulled over and cuffed for wreckless driving. The cop let him go with a ticket.
I am new to this Step Mom thing. 5 years is not really five years because I only get him for small amounts of time. I am new to having a defiant step son who all of the sudden resents me, when we have had a great realtionship untill last month. I am not knowing how to handle his next trip out. We expect respect from my daughter. She is strong willed and we do allow her to speak her mind and try to be fair with her. But we do not allow her to yell and be disrespectful about it without consequence. Now she sees that her step brother was allowed to make passive aggressive remarks to me and say awful things about me with out consequence. And this is because with the fragility of the relationship with him we are afraid to be too tough on him because if he gets mad enough we may never see him again. I need to really convey that Jarrod's behavior was always gentle and sweet, caring and compassionate up untill this last visit. Could it be the sleeping pills? He didn't need them when he was here. Was he having withdrawls? Could there be a possibility that he prehaps has not been clean and was having bouts of withdrawls from other drugs too? He was having regular testing done back home and passed though. I realize that he has a lot of misguided anger. He is mad at his decisions and knows that his parents are right, but resents us for it. He is probably scared too, of life in general. I understand some of it, but what do I do? How do I teach him to repsect his family without him defiying us by never coming back? We have a double standard as far as dicsipline goes with Emm and Jarrod because we are scared to lose him. This is not fair to her and very confusing. And so incredibly not the way I thought I'd ever parent. *Sigh* Once again, if you read all of this, Lord bless ya! and please any advice would help! Most of you on here have your children full time, have had to endure so much more than me, and know so much more than me, so please, please do share
I am literally losing sleep and my health is failing because of my anxiety over our current situation. I will try to give a brief history about our family, but I think it will be a bit long, because it is so hard to sum it all up. So God bless you if you read the whole thing! I really need your help. I met my husband 5 years ago and at the time his son( I will call him Jerrod) was 12 years old and living two states away. His vistation was only twice a year for approximately one week at a time.Needles to say the relationship between the two of them was one that needed to be cultivated and I knew that my husband was at a point in his life where he knew this as well. I should add that he had his son at the very young age of 15, so he really wasn't too sure how to be a Dad through High School and then while away at college. I wanted to help this boy be closer to his Dad. I was a single Mom of a 7 year old girl(I'll call her Emm) when we came in to thier lives and saw that his son needed to feel more at home with his Dad when he came for visits. There was a period of time when my husband did not get to see his son for approx 3 years because his mother had moved away and refused contact. This was from the time that Jerrod was about 3 until he was about 7 years old. When we moved in together I tried to make his son feel at home, safe and loved when he came for visits. I wanted him to know that he was just as important and loved as my daughter who was with us full time, and I knew that there may be some underlying jealousy there with good reason on Jarrod's part.
My husband and I were married 3 years ago and have since moved to a place with enough rooms for Jarrod to have his own room. I painted it his favorite color and tried to make it feel like his own. I really pushed for him to stay with us for longer periods of time and he was happy to come for the last two Summers for just over a month each time and then for Christmas break. We even got to fly him out for Easter weekend too. He was very happy about spending more and more time with us and even considered moving here. I have invested a lot of time in him when he is here. He has opened up to me and vented his frustrations about his childhood, and situation at home, which according to him has not been easy. His Mother has been through one divorce and going through her second. He claims that there is a history of drug use in the home as well. He has been very open and receptive to me. I don't know how much of everything he says is true,(his Dad thinks some of his stories are just for attention or to test my love for him) but I have always listened to him with compassion and an openess to his feelings and never said that I don't believe him. He feels more comforatable talking to me about emotional things probably because he was raised by his Mom. I've cried for him many times just wishing I could have been there for him sooner. His Dad and him are much closer now, and he is also very close with my daughter as well.
Last Summer he sat me down and told me that he has been using drugs and in trouble. He did not want me to tell his Dad until after he went back home. I tried to assure him that there was NOTHING that either of our kids could ever do to make us love them any less. He told me he had been using a lot of Pot and also any pills he could get his hands on. He says he has used a lot of mushrooms and has done every drug except Meth. He was caught for selling, stealing and using and has been on probation since last summer. After Jarrod went home that trip, his Dad wrote him a very long letter letting him know that he was going to be here to help him in anyway he could and did not condemn him, he just tried to encourage Jarrod to do the right thing and keep fighting to over come it all. It was a beautiful letter full of so much love for his son. Jerrod was off probation for very small period of time but got caught again. He spent a night in Juvy and has been in a rehabilitation program and is 9 months sober (from drugs) he still brags about his drinking. If you read on you will see that his drug sobriety time line does not quite add up according to his story. He claims that he knows how to beat the system by taking large quantities of Niacin before UA's and says he has passed a few tests because of it. I told him that Niacin is dangerous in large quantities. In the same token he claims he has in fact been sober for 9 months. I don't know what to believe, but I hope he is clean. He will be 18 in January and will be looking at a longer sentance in jail if he gets caught again before the end of his probation at 18 and a half. Jarrod also had a girlfriend last Summer who came for a visit with him and she stole various items from us while she was here. She is a very troubled girl and also a substance/alcohol abuser. They have since broken up and he has been on a continual emotional roller coaster with her for over a year. She has been very destructive to him emotionally and he had at one point turned back to drugs and was in a deep depression and had to go on prescription drugs for insomnia/depression. He is very defensive of her (they are still friends and he thinks she is "the one" and thinks he will eventually marry her)and it has been the source of great turmoil with his Mother at home, because obviously she doesn't approve of their realtionship.
When he came for his visit this year he was trying to seek validation from us to get back together with this girl and he did not get it from us. This caused him to try to pick fights with me continually. Which I did not take the bait for. I had a gentle answer avoided arguing but he was very mean towards me and only when his Dad was not around to hear it. His last visit here I might add, Jarrod was telling me that he was so glad his Dad married me and though he was still resenting his Dad a bit he was happy to be establishing a good relationship with him. We have had a good relationship until now. This visit he was telling my daughter that we (my husband and I) treat her badly, are unfair, and I am a horrible nag to his Dad. He bragged continually about his defiancy back home with his Mom, teachers, and law enforcement right in front of Emm. He also told both me and Emm that kids should not have to help around the house and do chores because it is not thier responsibility. They are only kids once and should just have fun. Emm thought this was great she's 12 now and really trying to come in to her own. She looks up to Jarrod a lot and considers him a great big brother. We had a long discussion with them both and tried to set them straight on teaching responsibility, but Emm has now been very defiant towards us and we have had to try to get her back on track since Jarrod went back home. Jarrod also took me aside one day to tell me that someday Emm will use drugs, because he can tell she has it in her personality. He is also mean to our cats when we are not around. Emm has wittnessed him smacking them. I have tried not to take too much personally but it is so hard to only have a small amount of time with him and have the house be full of tension during our visits. I feel heart sick over this, and am having trouble sleeping. I have had continual serious health problems for most of my life and it has been a balancing act to be a Momma, wife and take care of myself. Jarrod has told Emm that I pretend to be sick for attention. I have not tried to overstep any boundries with him and would not ever try to make him think that I am trying to take the place of his Mother, I have not tried to be his best friend, I have simply tried my hardest to fight for his rightful place in this family and to be a listening ear. He left very resentful of me even though we did not ever even have a confrontation. We strongly suspect that he is angry that I told him his ex girlfriend can't come here. His Mom warned us that he would get VERY angry if we said anything negative about this girl. His first night back home he was pulled over and cuffed for wreckless driving. The cop let him go with a ticket.
I am new to this Step Mom thing. 5 years is not really five years because I only get him for small amounts of time. I am new to having a defiant step son who all of the sudden resents me, when we have had a great realtionship untill last month. I am not knowing how to handle his next trip out. We expect respect from my daughter. She is strong willed and we do allow her to speak her mind and try to be fair with her. But we do not allow her to yell and be disrespectful about it without consequence. Now she sees that her step brother was allowed to make passive aggressive remarks to me and say awful things about me with out consequence. And this is because with the fragility of the relationship with him we are afraid to be too tough on him because if he gets mad enough we may never see him again. I need to really convey that Jarrod's behavior was always gentle and sweet, caring and compassionate up untill this last visit. Could it be the sleeping pills? He didn't need them when he was here. Was he having withdrawls? Could there be a possibility that he prehaps has not been clean and was having bouts of withdrawls from other drugs too? He was having regular testing done back home and passed though. I realize that he has a lot of misguided anger. He is mad at his decisions and knows that his parents are right, but resents us for it. He is probably scared too, of life in general. I understand some of it, but what do I do? How do I teach him to repsect his family without him defiying us by never coming back? We have a double standard as far as dicsipline goes with Emm and Jarrod because we are scared to lose him. This is not fair to her and very confusing. And so incredibly not the way I thought I'd ever parent. *Sigh* Once again, if you read all of this, Lord bless ya! and please any advice would help! Most of you on here have your children full time, have had to endure so much more than me, and know so much more than me, so please, please do share
