Still not talking to me

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Billiesue, Jun 3, 2017.

  1. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    Previous post on Pot and Alcohol. Don't know much at all about what is going on with my son as he still barely speaks to me. He moved in with his Dad when I took his car away. He moved out the Friday before mother's day. He did come see me on mother's day and this is the last I have seen him. I have had mixed feelings about this. At times feeling relieved and sometimes extremely sad. My husband came to pick me up in his (son's) car today after a bike ride and it upset me a lot for some reason to ride in that car. Tomorrow at our church they are honoring the graduating seniors, ( he graduates high school in a couple of weeks ). I was asked by one of the church members to write something out about his future plans.They don't know he doesn't talk to me anymore. I told my husband I dread even being there for that ceremony. The church buys each senior a bible. Not sure I will go. I understand the talk of detachment. I've only known about his issues with Pot and alcohol since March. I guess not seeking advice but more so needed to vent to someone who understands. I have been getting in some money from the invitations I sent out that I deposit into his college account because I don't think I need to give it to him. I try to put this out of my mind, but it wanders back frequently and I just find myself extremely sad when I think about how this time (graduation) would be so different if all this hadn't happened.
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    You can always say no to writing something, especially if you don't know what he has planned, or you can write something vague like "He is starting a new adventure, the beginning of his adult life, and as always, his family and I wish him all the best on his endeavors."
  3. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    Thanks KT. I may say just that!
  4. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I am so sorry for what you are going through with your son. My family has lived through something similar. Too much to rehash here and I don't want to hijack your thread, but click on my profile and read my posts if you are interested in our story.

    When we were estranged from our now 16 year old son, we had no idea how to answer the questions of well-meaning colleagues, friends, etc who would ask about his life, his grades, his plans, if he was dating anyone, if he had a part time job, etc. We knew none of those things so our choice was to either air that laundry very publicly or lie. We usually chose to lie. We don't talk to any but immediate family about the drama with my Difficult Stepson. It's just too heart and gut wrenching. So I definitely relate to that.

    Currently our situation has improved but is still not great. We are not formally estranged, he will occasionally deign to reply to a text or pick up his phone when my wife calls, but we still know next to nothing about his life, which to be honest, I think is probably for the best.

    Good luck.
  5. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I think the questions of well meaning friends are some of the hardest. You know they sincerely want to know how your child is. I have avoided so many events the last 4-5 years as a way to avoid. Now those same friends have their child graduating from university and it kills me to read Facebook and see all the wonderful things other kids my sons age are doing.

    We ran into an old hockey parent my son used to play with and it was so hard to just kind of avoid the questions. How do you say "oh your son just graduated university, how wonderful, ours is in detox" it's too awkward for all of us!

    I try to just say something simple but sometimes my talkative nature takes over and I say too much and I can see their looks and then I feel shame..... it's really a hard balance.

    I wish I had some advice. I try to be honest when I can and vague when I can't be honest.

    Hang in there and come here often for support. I don't post all the time but I do come and read regularly and I post when I need to let go of some of the emotions. It really does help.

    I have also found a friend in a similar situation with her daughter and we have been communicating regularly. I find my closest friends can get overwhelmed when I'm really down, and I feel badly about it.

    Hugs to your hurting heart ....
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  6. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    Thank you ColeenB. Culturanta, I am interested and did read and reply to one of your posts. I hesitated to even post what I did last night because some of you have been through so much. I chose not to attend the service today because I felt it would put me in a bad mood all day. You would not believe how much it means to me to hear back from you all. Thanks again.
  7. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    We are all here for you. I would be willing to bet that at least one person in your community of faith has probably gone through something similar; I think it's more common than any of us know, because it's so deeply personal and painful that we tend not to discuss it. But I tend to believe most families have troubles that would astound those of us looking in from a distance. With that said I understand why you chose to remain home today. Sometimes you just need to retreat into yourself a bit. I hope you have a pleasant Sunday.
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I deal with the same things...and have withdrawn from church, at least 50% of the time. Last Sunday they had a "sending blessing" for the youth traveling to Denver for a week of service in the urban setting. My youngest Difficult Child had said she wanted to go, she had gone on a similar trip to Chicago several years ago. Then she changed her mind. Then she tested positive for meth. Again.

    I skipped church last week because I knew people would ask, where's A? Why isn't she going to Denver? I didn't want to say, because we couldn't afford a residential treatment center 4 hours a way, so we are doing an intensive outpatient treatment for her addiction to meth.

    Today the youth are on their way...and we are stuck at home. My husband and I were suppose to have been on vacation today, headed to Montana. Difficult Child would have then flown to Portland at the end of this week and spent a week with an uncle. That would have been week 2 of our vacation. Then, we would have met her in Portland, and driven back with her by way of the Redwood Forest, and and other National Parks on our bucket list. Week 3 of our vacation...

    It's like our life is on hold while she may or may not be getting her life straightened out.

    Ugghh. Ksm
  9. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Don't feel you haven't been through enough to post! All of us have diff stories but we share the same feelings of isolation, shame and fear for our kids.

    The best part of this community is knowing others have been there and they "get it".

    Take care
  10. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    I really appreciate it Culturanta. KSM I have been reading your story as well. You must be an amazingly strong person to go through what you have. I haven't got to the same level of frustration I don't think because my our battle with this has just begun. He certainly had me fooled. He didn't spend much time here as he was delivering pizzas, helping his Dad in the chicken houses, or wrestling. When wrestling stopped is when we started smelling the weed in our house. He has never been one to be able to have down time. He has always had to be on the go all the time. In eighth grade, he called me from school one day to pick him up. He had made some superficial cuts to his wrists and someone had noticed and commented on it. I had him go to therapy for awhile. This pretty much resolved itself, I believe because it embarrassed him. But I used to run him near every night of the week to karate (2 different kinds or wrestling). He used to be very muscular. He still is but he is very thin.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You dont owe anyone any true, detailed explanation about your son. "HE is finding his way. Id rather not discuss it as he doesnt like when I do and I respect that" is enough. You owe nobody a story.

    Fb is a bragging forum. Two of my kids almost never use it as they are not into that. My oldest daughter only uses it to post pictures of my beautiful granddaughter to those who love her.

    My oldest was told by his lawyer that anything on it can be used against him. He is in litigation with his ex.

    Fb may tell you that Susie graduated college, but doesnt include her possible emotional problems that haunt her. Nobody is perfect.

    If something looks to good to be true, it likely is.

    Perfect looking families can be rife with abuse behind closed doors.

    Remember you never get a whole story on social media. Stop looking if it upsets you. I check once a week or so, thats it, and mostly for granddaughterpictures and loving comments from Jumper.

    I dont really care about other family landmarks that are posted unless they are beloved in my life. And I always feel I have the best kids ever, no matter what. Nobody can make me jealous that way.
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2017
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I know the feeling of shame too when all of your friend's children are doing so well. I am really happy for them but it makes me very sad at the same time.

    My son gets angry when I compare him to our friends' children and their accomplishments but how can I not? I may have not initially but as the years go by and he makes little progress in his life we see it as so time wasted.

    We are all here together and rejoice in the small victories. It really does help to have this group of people that don't judge us.
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  13. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    RNO I agree... I called his Dad and asked how he is doing. He says he hasn't seen any evidence of anything. I hope that's true. But I doubt it. He(son) has never not got along with me. So if that is true, I wonder why the silent treatment to me. I know I need to quit obsessing. I'll do good for a few hours and then I'll go right back to thinking about it. ..
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2017
  14. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Remember that you cannot control, cure, or fix your son. He has to figure this out on his own.

    Whatever he is going through right now, has changed him. He is perhaps, angry and humiliated that you took his car away. He may know that his father won't hold him accountable in the way that you will (that is our situation), so Dad looks a lot better to him at the moment. If he has a substance abuse problem, that alone will change his personality.

    This is a long-haul situation. Stay strong. We know it hurts. He does still love you even though he isn't showing it right now. I've been there!
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