Struggling today

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Jan 16, 2019.

  1. As most know my son is in a sober living home, supposed to be doing their IOP - assuming he still is because they haven't notified me otherwise.
    I don't hear much from him. I don't reach out which is extremely weighing on me today.
    Got a text from the owner of the Sober Living home/IOP and he asked me about the rent... I text him back stating that my son should be able to pay his own rent. He is working full time and this is no different than when he had an apartment.
    My son didn't reach out to me stating he was short on the rent so I assume he is capable of paying it. I haven't heard anything back from the owner or my son.
    Just feel like as a mom I should be reaching out, but I know due to the addiction I need to let him figure life out on his own. The more I do for him, the longer it will be for the addiction to keep hold of him. I need to let go, but it is hurting me inside. I feel like part of me should offer to help some but I know he has money for tattoos so why should I.... I wish I would not have these feelings.
    He never replies to his dads text messages and that hurts his dad.
    I know distancing myself is the right thing to do. Just hard
     
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Do you think of him as a grown man or see that cute little ten year old? You need to see him as the grown man he is.

    Did you ask your parents for money when you were his age?

    I am so sorry for the hard day but it sounds as if he can do it himself and no he wont quit or grow up if you keep forgetting that he is quite capable of doing this himself. Will he do it? We dont know. Can he do it? Sure.

    Please be good to yourself and find something to do so you can stop worrying about your grown up son. Its your time now!
     
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi, TTBS

    I remember those days of struggling and worrying.

    It was especially hard on my hubby, as they had been extremely close.

    Nothing we did helped him, but it did make him feel more entitled.

    He did the ignoring thing, too. I think it was designed as a punishment for not giving him what he wanted.

    It is really mean to not reply to his dad’s texts, especially when his dad has been giving him large amounts of money. If I remember right, you gave the treatment centers (on his behalf) $5000 and $4000 in the last few months, and probably a lot of money for other things as well as flying out to his area once or twice.

    I’m not sure why they asked you for the rent money. Maybe because they can. Parents usually have more money than recovering addicts, so maybe it was a safe choice to ask you first.

    You can’t help how you feel, but don’t let it dictate your judgement.

    Apple
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I am so sorry for your worry and self doubt.

    It is so hard to control.

    My son is home since November and has been sober since September 2017. I still have extreme worry and sometimes panic. I'm so used to bad things when he was with us last - after we'd think everything would be okay - that I cannot just let that feeling go. I had done a real good job of detaching (by working with a therapist) for my own sanity after many years of drug abuse and not him not seeing a problem/wanting to change.

    I wish I could get back all of the energy that I burned worrying about my son. It did him no good. It did me no good. But how do we stop the worrying?

    Well I've been in bible study class every Tuesday since October. I am learning SO much. I have learned that if we turn everything over to God that we can actually have peace. It does not mean that our lives will be problem free but we have to trust in our knowledge that HE will make sure we are okay. It is very hard to do and I give it away and take it back a million times but I am trying hard to not let it eat me up and just trust my faith that my life and my son's life will go according to God's plan. I find comfort in knowing that.
     
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I totally get the angst you are feeling. The owner kind of left you hanging and of course you want to know what happened. But you responsed exactly appropriately!!! Good for you. It is up to your son. One of the hard things for us is sitting with the unknowns as they figure things out and dont tell us whats going on. For me the best thing is distraction. Find other fun things to do that you enjoy that have nothing to do with your son!
     
  6. They told me he paid it this morning. He never asked me for money so that is a positive. Now I have a new concern... he is back at work for 5 weeks. When he first went back he applied for a supervisor position. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for a few reasons... he needed to concentrate on recovery and he certainly should not be moving to a new state/city with only a few weeks of sobriety under his belt plus no friends or acquaintances, etc. Seems like just a way to fall back into the old lifestyle. Luckily he was turned down for the position, Thank God! His past work history these past few months didn't help either....
    So,today out of the blue he sends me a text that another supervisor position opened up.... UGH! I didn't know how to respond. Fear again overtakes me. I feel if I say don't do it, he will... so I just said that it seems like they have a lot opening right now and asked about what department, etc. He said the one they hired quit already and the other on in the different state wasn't doing too well either... I so want to tell him don't even think about it. He needs to stay where he is in the sober living home with his new friends,etc. Now is not the time to start a new job with new stress, etc. I am thinking wrong? If he asks my opinion I will say that he needs to do what is best for his recovery at this time and I don't feel that would be a good move. He is young and more opportunities will open up.
    Any other suggestions? He may not even ask me because he does his own thing. Always a new worry.
     
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am reminded of myself, Trying, when I read your posts. It seems we struggle in the same ways. I am ALWAYS wanting to editorialize on my son's life. And when I do, it never ever helps. He always wants to do what he wants to do. And he blows off EVERYTHING I say. But at the same time he wants to control how I help him. When I help him. The terms. ETC. It sounds like your son is the same way.

    There are so many blessings I see with your son. He is working. Imagine. He is seeking to become a supervisor. My son has not worked at a regular job for years. What I wouldn't give to hear those words...Mom. I want to be a supervisor.
    I will reply here, because it is easier to learn on your thread, than on my own. Unfortunately, for me.

    I do not think it is your business what he decides about the position. He will and he should do what he chooses. He will only learn through his own mistakes, not from your counsel. My son is exactly the same way.
    I totally agree with you. But that is not what counts, here. You are only agitating yourself by feeling you have a right to insert your opinions about his, life, into his life.

    We can want things for them, but it ALWAYS comes to no good, when we try to control, have voice or have power in their lives. He insists upon his own voice, his own power, his own control. And that is good.
    Yes. Absolutely. I completely agree. You are doing good!!
     
  8. I won't put my 2 cents in unless he asks which I doubt he will. I would like to say if you get the position and need to move then I hope the company pays for your move because we can't in any way help. We have done enough.

    I don't hear from him too often through out the week. Part of me is okay with it and the other part isn't . I just feel like I live in a constant ticking time bomb.
    Live in the moment, my counselor tells me. Today is going well,so cherish it.
    Don't do things for your son that he can do for himself. He needs to rebuild his life, you can't rebuild it for him. Another sentence I keep telling myself.
     
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Trying . . . think about what just happened. The sober living owner reached out to you for money to pay the rent. You said no. Guess what, your son paid the rent.

    Take a lesson from that. It is not your job to pay his rent. I am not even sure why the owner asked you for the rent. It actually sounds suspicious to me. Regardless, the onus is on your son to pay his own rent.

    When my daughter went to her last sober living house, I agreed to pay the first month rent and they told me that they would expect her to get a job and pay from then on. The next month, the bookkeeper called me and told me that the next month's rent was due and acted like I should pay it. I told her flat out that I had told the manager of the sober living house that I would pay the first month and that was it. She seemed surprised but said okay and never asked me again.

    My daughter did not have a job at that point but they let her continue to live there on "scholarship" while she was in IOP and looking for a job. Then they negotiated the amount that she had to pay each month once she did start paying the rent. It was half of what they charged me for the first month.

    As far as whether the job is a good fit or not, it is not your problem. If he asks your opinion, direct him back to the therapists at IOP. They are there to deal with this kind of thing.

    ~Kathy
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2019
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You cant helicopter over him like he is little. His job choices are up to him and although it matters to us if you worry, it should not be a factor in his decision. And wont be.

    We love you and care but you cant tell him what to do in my opinion. Well, you can but why? Its his life. He wont listen. He is no young kid.

    You cant stop him from relapsing. It is not within your control. A relapse in not something anyone but the person can prevent. You know this.

    I hope you can stop worrying but if you cant, you can't.

    However it would be best to see a therapist, clergy, a very wise person who wont judge etc. You have to learn to cope and accept you have no control here. You dont. None of us can control totally grown kids, whether or not they make good, bad or neutral choices.

    Yes, it is hard. Wev love them and sometimes we can be positive we know best. But they do what they want to do regardless.

    You are stronger than you know. You can learn in therapy (my best suggestion) to let go of his issues and focus on your own life and your husbands. I forgot if you have other kids who are doing well. If so you have that as well. You can change your panic attacks over your son. Are you in any sort of therapy to help you?

    We all are with you.

    Love and light!
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2019
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Sorry. Seems you do see a counselor.

    The counselor sounds very helpful.

    Please listen to him. Take notes during sessions.

    Lots of love!
     
  12. I know I can't stop him from relapsing. However, as all of you know, relapsing is hell and we always have gone down with him when he did.... if he does, we can't help anymore and that kills me.
     
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Don't try to predict the future. Don't get ahead of yourself. One day at a time.

    Live in the moment. When we have kids like this, that is what we must do.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  14. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    This has always been a tough one for me too. I always want to give my daughter advice and try to save her from herself. She has always had to learn her lessons the hard way, but honestly so did I. I have trained myself to say noncommittal things like, "I hope it works out the way you want it to." or "I'm sure you'll figure it out." That has saved me no end of grief because it just stops any conflict before it starts. Sending positive energy your way.
     
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I had a realization about this today with my son..... my son is actually doing pretty ok at the moment. I no longer get my hopes up and think too far ahead but just know that for the moment he is doing ok..... but for now he seems to have gotten scared about some health issues and so is taking antabuse to help him not drink, has signed up for some community college classes and has started an antidepressant. All really good things. And he is reaching out for more help from the program he is connected with and he even went to a meeting. All really good things. All of this we are being told about and is being done on his own decision without any push or prodding from me. So I was talking to someone from the program who is a support for me today..... and I was telling her this...... all this is good. And I realized that he is making some good decisions that are HIS decisions.. The fact is if I tell him to do something he won’t do it...... but him deciding to do something it Is so much better, and in fact he will often tell me he is not going to do something and then goes ahead and does it.... .it is almost like he doesnt want me to get my hopes up.

    So I am really thinking he needs to get into his own recovery, do it his way with support from others and kind of tell me after the fact... he really doesnt want my involvment too much in the process.

    I really think for me at least at this point in time the less said by me the better.

    TL
     
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    The program director at a place my son was in while in Florida said the first time they go to rehab the seed is planted. The seed needs to be watered and nurtured and that all takes time. It can take lots and lots of time.

    This particular guy used drugs for many years. He was estranged from his family including his mother who he loved dearly. He said one day he literally woke up and knew he was better than that. He didn't want to hurt his family or himself anymore. He stopped using that day. He never went to rehab or anything. He was working on his Master's Degree when I met him. I thought his story and he was amazing.