Im at my wits end... just don't know what to do with this kid :-( we had a semi-decent day Sunday some light arguing from her but settled into the evening...and we were all watching tv and kids playing video games. daughter had the wii gamepad and you can get to Internet from that. I saw her typing a bunch (so I could tell it wasn't a game she was on) so I asked what are you typing - thinking she was trying to access social media which she's grounded from and she said "nothing" ...so I calmly picked it up and hit the back browser- she was googling "can you overdose on methylphenidate" <-- older daughter's ADHD medication- which until yesterday was the only medication we hadn't thought to lock in the safe because older daughter lives in the finished basement apt and is self sufficient pretty much taking her medication on her own each day - never thought about it. daughter immediately ran up to her room, locked the door and wouldn't open up - husband ran to get a screwdriver to open it but I couldn't wait so I kicked the door in...which daughter said scared her - does she really have no idea that I'll tear this whole f'ng house down with my bare hands to make sure she is safe?... She was highly upset - didn't want to talk to us and didn't want us to touch her. But when she finally calmed a little she told us she googled that because she wanted to know that if she took it she wouldn't just wake up and "feel stupid for trying"... like she wanted to ensure she would die from it. We got her calmed down and back to "normal" but then when she was telling me that no matter what she just didn't want to go back to the hospital I said "ok well let's pinky promise - I won't take you to the hospital if you don't try to kill yourself" and she said that was too big of a promise to make... Of course we went back and forth with whether or not to call 911 but as she calmed down we felt we could give it a little time and just stay with her. - sit on her if we had to. Her next appointment with counseling (the new dual diagnosis mental health/drug counselor) is tomorrow morning. It can't come soon enough. And it's so back and forth like she's on this trip that nothing will ever get better and she'll always be this way --- or she's angry and hates us --- and swings back to talking about the future and things she has going for her... it's like a daily battle inside her mind. Later that night I was laying in her bed staying with her until she fell asleep and we were just talking about dumb stuff - me trying to keep her calm and lighthearted - and just goofing around I asked her questions from that social media quiz everyone is doing w their little kids these days and I wrote her answers into a text it to husband so I'll share here...because this is a glimpse of my girl - and it breaks my heart. "WITHOUT prompting, ask your child these questions and write EXACTLY what they say. Answered by daughter, age 15. *What is something I say a lot? - I'm not talking about this anymore *What makes me happy? - Your family *What makes me sad? - when I'm sad *How tall am I? - 5'8 *What's my favorite thing to do? - spending time with your family or art but not your work art like your real art *What is my favorite food? - All foods - you like everything *What is my favorite drink? - Tomato juice *If I could go anywhere, where would be? - Caribbean or Belize or whatever *Do you think I could live without you? - No no way - you'd like end up camped out in a Walmart parking lot or something *Do you think you could live without me? No, who would I cry to? *How do I annoy you? - you're so involved ...so very involved *What is my favorite TV show? - You don't watch tv much *What is my favorite music to listen to? - 90s hip -hop, anything 90s or Pink Floyd *What is my job? - "marvelous or magnificent artist" *How old am I? - xx years old *What's my favorite color? - Green *How much do you love me on a scale of 1-10? - like a 10! You're my mom!" And then she drifted off to sleep. Yesterday we just kept her close - and she wanted to be close to us all day so it was easy - overall a lazy, easy, low stress day for everyone and everything was perfectly "normal". So now, I'm thinking of this battle in her mind and because I clearly realize I won't always see it coming... I am completely terrified.