terrified of the battle in her mind

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by MommaMella, Jan 17, 2017.

  1. MommaMella

    MommaMella New Member

    Im at my wits end... just don't know what to do with this kid :-( we had a semi-decent day Sunday some light arguing from her but settled into the evening...and we were all watching tv and kids playing video games. daughter had the wii gamepad and you can get to Internet from that. I saw her typing a bunch (so I could tell it wasn't a game she was on) so I asked what are you typing - thinking she was trying to access social media which she's grounded from and she said "nothing" ...so I calmly picked it up and hit the back browser- she was googling "can you overdose on methylphenidate" <-- older daughter's ADHD medication- which until yesterday was the only medication we hadn't thought to lock in the safe because older daughter lives in the finished basement apt and is self sufficient pretty much taking her medication on her own each day - never thought about it.

    daughter immediately ran up to her room, locked the door and wouldn't open up - husband ran to get a screwdriver to open it but I couldn't wait so I kicked the door in...which daughter said scared her - does she really have no idea that I'll tear this whole f'ng house down with my bare hands to make sure she is safe?... She was highly upset - didn't want to talk to us and didn't want us to touch her. But when she finally calmed a little she told us she googled that because she wanted to know that if she took it she wouldn't just wake up and "feel stupid for trying"... like she wanted to ensure she would die from it. We got her calmed down and back to "normal" but then when she was telling me that no matter what she just didn't want to go back to the hospital I said "ok well let's pinky promise - I won't take you to the hospital if you don't try to kill yourself" and she said that was too big of a promise to make... Of course we went back and forth with whether or not to call 911 but as she calmed down we felt we could give it a little time and just stay with her. - sit on her if we had to. Her next appointment with counseling (the new dual diagnosis mental health/drug counselor) is tomorrow morning. It can't come soon enough.

    And it's so back and forth like she's on this trip that nothing will ever get better and she'll always be this way --- or she's angry and hates us --- and swings back to talking about the future and things she has going for her... it's like a daily battle inside her mind. Later that night I was laying in her bed staying with her until she fell asleep and we were just talking about dumb stuff - me trying to keep her calm and lighthearted - and just goofing around I asked her questions from that social media quiz everyone is doing w their little kids these days and I wrote her answers into a text it to husband so I'll share here...because this is a glimpse of my girl - and it breaks my heart.

    "WITHOUT prompting, ask your child these questions and write EXACTLY what they say.

    Answered by daughter, age 15.

    *What is something I say a lot?
    - I'm not talking about this anymore

    *What makes me happy?
    - Your family

    *What makes me sad?
    - when I'm sad

    *How tall am I?
    - 5'8

    *What's my favorite thing to do?
    - spending time with your family or art but not your work art like your real art

    *What is my favorite food?
    - All foods - you like everything

    *What is my favorite drink?
    - Tomato juice

    *If I could go anywhere, where would be?
    - Caribbean or Belize or whatever

    *Do you think I could live without you?
    - No no way - you'd like end up camped out in a Walmart parking lot or something

    *Do you think you could live without me?
    No, who would I cry to?

    *How do I annoy you?
    - you're so involved ...so very involved

    *What is my favorite TV show?
    - You don't watch tv much

    *What is my favorite music to listen to?
    - 90s hip -hop, anything 90s or Pink Floyd

    *What is my job?
    - "marvelous or magnificent artist"

    *How old am I?
    - xx years old

    *What's my favorite color?
    - Green

    *How much do you love me on a scale of 1-10?
    - like a 10! You're my mom!"

    And then she drifted off to sleep.

    Yesterday we just kept her close - and she wanted to be close to us all day so it was easy - overall a lazy, easy, low stress day for everyone and everything was perfectly "normal". So now, I'm thinking of this battle in her mind and because I clearly realize I won't always see it coming... I am completely terrified.
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome. Suicidal thoughts are so scary. I am glad that you have her in treatment. Could you tell us a little more about your situation? Is your daughter using drugs? Which ones? How did you find out?

    Many of us have walked in your shoes. You will find understanding and support here.

  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I would call 911/Crisis Services when you observe something like this. This kind of a inquiry could demonstrate the possibility of intent.
    No parent has the capacity to secure a home 100 percent or to watch a child or any other person 24 hours a day. In hospitals where there have been threats of suicide there is often 24 hour watch where somebody keeps their eyes on the patient every single second. Clothes, personal effects, even books, are taken away. No sheets are provided, etc.

    A juvenile inpatient facility at least for a time until she has been stabilized will keep her safe and provide intensive intervention. No parent could handle the anxiety, fear and constant vigilance of monitoring a child who may be suicidal.

    I can only guess how frightening this is. I am so sorry you find yourself in this place right now and hope that there is some relief soon.
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2017
  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I am glad she is starting with a new counselor tomorrow morning, MM, and I would certainly make sure her counselor knows how the last few days have gone. That is so very frightening.

    Of course she loves you like a 10, MM! You are a great mom and a steadfast presence for her in the midst of all of this terrifying turbulence.
  5. MommaMella

    MommaMella New Member

    Hi Kathy, My daughter has been abusing alcohol, marijuana as well as prescription drugs such as Vicodin, xanax and adderall. I think she tried cocaine as I read that in a text message from her confiscated phone but I'm not sure. She passed her recent (and first ever) drug test though we were told that timing may just have been on her side. Her new councellor specializes in teen drug addiction. All of this madness really started just over 12 weeks ago. Before this time - before she started hanging out with the senior kid I call demonboy - she was a fairly normal teen with some anxiety and mild depression and occasional peer relationship issues. Thanks for replying.
  6. MommaMella

    MommaMella New Member

    @Copabanana Thank you for replying. Trust me when I say I had my fingers ready to
    hit send on 911. I was going to for sure at first but she did calm down and begged me not to. She's been hospitalized twice in the last 12 weeks and did 2 stints of partial plus 10 days IOP. A lot of intense treatment crammed in 12 weeks. The last inpatient experience was awful for all of us - our local children's hospital was full so she got shipped to a city an hour away and the place was something out of a nightmare. husband and I were seriously concerned for her safety from the other residents and the apathetic staff. Luckily they did not keep her long - but we felt she left there even more anxious than she arrived. It's gut wrenching. We should have called maybe but here we are. There are just no easy answers. I'll check in with everyone tomorrow after counseling. Today we had a pretty good day. Thanks again.
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    MommaMella, nobody could do better in all of this than you are. It is a horror story. Your daughter sounds so sweet and so open to you. She knows you are there and that you will not let her go.

    In a way that scares me, too. There is something going on with her that is propelling her. I am wondering if they are looking at the possibility of a psychotic process going on. There can be delusional thoughts or auditory hallucinations that command self-destructive thoughts, to act against the self-will of the person. The person to evaluate this would be a psychologist or psychiatrist.
    The drug use could have triggered the mental instability. I would keep testing her at home. Have you taken away all of the medication?
    This is horrible. Just horrible. Have you thought about expressive arts therapy? This is where the therapist uses art, music, dance etc. both as a medium to release and express trauma and to build functioning. Sometimes in larger cities there are clinics with sliding scale. I think I recall you saying YOU are artistic. Is this something you might do together?

    If you want I can look for books.
    This is horrible! My son (now 28) has been in multiple inpatient and residential treatment centers. I have never heard of this kind of neglect. But to my discredit I have largely let him handle this alone.
    This is just impossible, to need help to protect a loved one and to be thrown to the wolves.

    I believe in activity to restore health. Activity with companionship. For example would she garden with you? (I am realizing there could be extreme cold and snow where you live, but you get my drift.)

    There are studies that show that even the most intransigent mental illnesses are reversed with family/community intervention. In a Scandinavian country, I think Finland, there is virtually no serious mental illness because the minute somebody shows symptoms there is targeted, immediate support and intervention at the community/family level. The most serious of the psychiatric illnesses require an interval of time before they can be diagnosed. The interventions are so effective, the patients do not qualify, because their symptoms are reduced or eliminated.

    Because it sounds like you believe (and quite understandably so) you are motivated to provide what she may need.

    My own son is doing better along these lines. He is working 6 days a week doing remodeling with my significant other and another worker. Gradually his attitudes, work habits and functioning seem to be improving. I am the weak link because I am so anxious and afraid. But I am trying to lay off.

    I do hope you keep posting. Let me know if there is some way I might help in gathering information and locating resources. I would be happy to try.
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    Last edited: Jan 18, 2017
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Do ask your other daughter to lock up her medications for her sisters sake. Many over the counter drugs are abused too.

    Drugs can cause psychosis. I am most familiar with meth doing this.
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2017
  9. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    i am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. As Copa said:
    MommaMella, nobody could do better in all of this than you are. It is a horror story. Your daughter sounds so sweet and to be so open to you. She knows you are there and that you will not let her go.

    "In a way that scares me, too. There is something going on with her that is propelling her. I am wondering if they are looking at the possibility of a psychotic process going on. There can be delusional thoughts or auditory hallucinations that command self-destructive thoughts, to act against the self-will of the person. The person to evaluate this would best be a psychologist or psychiatrist"

    I am just thinking out loud here but when my son was first put on anti depressants at age 16 his suicidal ideation went way up..we had him hospitalized about 5 times in 4 months. I think part of it was the medications that he was being given which made him even more anxious and propelled him to self destruct. Has the doctor reviewed her medications recently? I think a psychiatrist would be the person to make that assessment.

    Please stay strong and take things one day at a time. This stuff can be so very overwhelming...I remember the days I could barely get myself to function. Take some walks, try to find the beauty in something...and know that these hard times will pass. Hugs to you and your family!
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  10. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Oh and the other thing I forgot to mention...is there a possibility that there is something going on at school? Bullying? It came to light several years after the fact that my son was badly assaulted. That is when his drug use, psychosis, suicide attempts all started. As he said when he finally told us, he didn't want us to know because he was worried about retaliation on the family by the people who had hurt him. Just a thought.
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My son too has had psychotic responses to medication. This has gone on since he was 6 years old when he was given Ativane after I thought he had had a seizure, and he began hallucinating. Recently he has had psychotic responses to several different medications for depression.
    This makes a lot of sense to me at least to pose the question. My son has always been anxious and because of this, has been a target of bullying. Eventually he went to a non-public school which was paid for by the school district. First, one district and then another school district paid for both the school and transportation by taxi cab each morning and afternoon.

    The school district must provide an environment where the child can learn...if special education status is established. This is a contractual commitment made by an IEP. The recent history of your child would qualify her for special education status, to be taught in an environment where she is safe, and can learn. We were provided a free attorney through a disability rights organization who went with us to each IEP.

    Bullying is wrong no matter what and the school personnel are mandated to protect children. When a child has a mental or learning or physical limitation or disability it becomes an even greater mandate. The mechanism to enforce this responsibility is the IEP.

    I forget what your daughter's school status is. But that she may not be safe in a public school does not mean that the school district is not responsible for educating her in another, safer, more protected environment.

    Wisernow brought up what to me are vitally important points. Thank you Wisernow.
  12. MommaMella

    MommaMella New Member

    About the bullying- yes it is kind of like that but it's more of a toxic relationship that she tells us is the only thing that makes her happy. It's like battered woman's syndrome. daughter denies self esteem issues but since age 12 or so has seemed to gravitate to friends that betray her and treat her poorly. Now, there's a boy involved- the moody, edgy, too cool senior kid - that uses drugs, drinks, gives daughter drugs and alcohol, has hit her (which she forgave) and thinks it's hilarious that his best friend burned my daughter's arm and leg with a lighter. He is troubled to say the least and they together are toxic...but we don't understand and she loves him.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She is too young to know what love is. Take her to a domestic abuse center for counseling. If she is attracted to abuse now, she will keep finding it and this is a good time to teach her why it's not good. There are millions of demon boys waiting to get their paws on girls and then women who put up with abuse.

    It also seems your daughter has a serious drug problem. It may have just started or going on way before you noticed a change
    She needs that addressed too.

    Many possibilities here but time to get her lots of professional help. Please do. Maybe you should take the lock off her bedroom and bathroom door since she was looking for ways to commit suicide.

    Last edited: Jan 18, 2017
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Was this reported to the police? This is torture.
  15. MommaMella

    MommaMella New Member

    We have mentioned it to two officers one from our town and one from the school (in another town), but have not made an official report yet. Trouble is daughter plays it all down like we were all doing it... kidding around...and for all I know they were - because these boys are sick and the rest of the friend group goes along with it. Doesn't make it any less disturbing or cruel. :hammer:
  16. MommaMella

    MommaMella New Member

    She just started with a counselor who specializes in teen drug abuse so we are definitely addressing that! The domestic abuse counseling will be a part of it as well because after we told everything we knew about everything at the intake appointment for this new place and the intake counselor met with daughter alone, counselor told US she felt the relationship between daughter and demon boy was unhealthy and that daughter exhibited symptoms of battered woman's syndrome. I pray this counselor finally gets to the bottom of this situation. I will do anything to get her set back on the right course. She's only 15 - life hasn't even started for her.
  17. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I hope the therapist gets thru to her. My daughter knew her relationship was unhealthy, but just couldn't keep from getting drawn in, time after time... She craved the attention he gave her, plus thought she was the only one who could "save" him.

  18. MommaMella

    MommaMella New Member

    Same! Thanks @ksm
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Like S and M? I mean, does she tell herself and you that it was consensual?

    MM: What you are going through is chilling.

    What I am about to tell you about here is not to frighten you but to try to reach some understanding of what is happening: in this age group girls groups of girls can turn collectively to shared self-destructive behavior that they do not understand. For example: anorexic girls and the "ana" phenomenon.

    As a young woman I did not have the ability to protect myself fully from misuse and indignity. I did not have the sense of self to know I deserved more. I had to live a long time before I could hold myself as having value. Still I struggle with it. Maybe this is part of the psyche of some young females.

    I believe she will be OK. I am struck by her closeness with you and her trust in you. That has to count for a great deal--and indicate a bottom line of valuing of herself, because you are in you.