the ball is in his court??

[Sam3]

For sure I understand that feeling of potential embarrassment. It’s the same reason why I used to hurry around the house closing the windows and doors when things got loud (just like my mom).

But I think it’s a little deeper than that for some folks. I think the “visual” may trigger people who are more visual, more. I think for us, we are extra sensitive to the outward manifestation of wellness.

And if one (me) has a touch of compulsiveness, it seems even harder to suppress that effect.

For me, it’s not about all people and all places. Just ones that I care about. I wouldnt have given one sideways glance, much less a stink-eye, at young Jabber in fatigues.

But I just visited a cousin who was like a sister growing up. Her house is piled with piles. Her RF was stuffed to overflowing with food old and new. I’ve been in many unkempt houses — not my business. But with hers, I felt the visual chaos. Like it was a reflection of internal chaos for her. She admitted she has been overwhelmed and paralyzed — and she was not just talking about her surroundings.

I offered to help organize, but I knew I would have liked to talk to her about that feeling more than I wanted to organize it away.

I think it takes a more conscious effort to choose the battles, for people with that eye/soul sensitivity.

But of course I agree with all the comments about the need to let that go with our DCs. Or maybe we can see it as their security blanket, at least for now.

 

[Copabanana]

there are so many levels of this. most of which you all have touched on.

i know this is about me. i am seeking to change. and one way is by writing these self-revelatory and confessional posts.

i am trying to be conscious of and own stuff about myself, in myself. it is painful and embarassing. i am not putting forth this way of being as in any way desirable.

i feel for my son.

what i feel is not in the main embarassment. i think what it is in the main is fear (for him and myself) and poor boundaries on my part.

also i think that each of us differs in terms of our expectations of ourselves as parents and family. we operate from different playbooks and cultures. and we evolve.

my son is clearly benefiting from our involvement and support. unfortunately my involvement and support has been laden with too much emotion. and too many of my own needs. i am quite fully and imperfectly human.

i drive him nuts. i do. he tells me when i cross the line. thankfully. he drives me nuts too.

as each day goes by i become a tiny bit more confident and hopeful. about myself. i recognize my default is still to locate results and feelings in him, my son. alas.

this is a large part of my motivation to post here in such an agonizing and shame- inducing way.

i seek to heal myself as i can and to give my son a base in relationship and to the extent possible, a home to heal. however. it often feels to him i abuse my power. that i make my support conditional. which is inappropriate in a relationship with another adult.

i do not know quite what to do. because everything in life has conditiions

i am trying right now to stay in conversation. that's all.

 

[Littleboylost]

Copa
Of all of the amazing content that is in this thread (and there’s is so much wisdom and truth here), this statement resonated with me

i am quite fully and imperfectly human.

It is so cathartic to read this, hear this, say this and recognize this. Yes we are HUMAN. With all of our qualities good and bad and our flaws and imperfections.

I have started to not be so broken by my sons tyrades and criticisms....Most days...there have been fewer this week than in the past.

By accepting my own flaws and imperfections, perhaps I will be able to accept his, acceptance without enabling. Acceptance without being pulled down the rabbit hole.

Have a peaceful and lovely weekend.

Big hugs.

 

[Copabanana]

m helps me with this. he will not accept my falling on my sword. he says nobody knows how to be a parent. nobody. and what works with the first fails with the second. and so on.

that we learn with and from our kids. that we by definition both succeed and fail. and with that, learn. did i mention m has 9 children?

anyway. my son and i are having heart to heart talks.

i am heartened and strengthened by the work i do here.

i risk a lot by putting out what i do. i do it because i believe this works. one day at a time.

thank you.

 

[Sam3]

this is a large part of my motivation to post here in such an agonizing and shame- inducing way.

And because your agony and vulnerability are transparent, people who care about you want to ease it. That might feel like tough love, but it’s still love.

 

[Copabanana]

full disclosure. i did complain to a costco manager.

he said: costco does not stereotype. anybody.

i quite deiberately and knowingly asked him to verify on my card my years of membership. i think since 1985!

i told him i would not call corporate. but i inferred i could have.

i told him this: i am a shopper and a mother. you have a right to promote safety and security. my son as a patron should not have to endure inappropriate judgement independent of bad acts. my son has never been arrested. he has been a costco patron independent of me for a decade.

i am remembering now why i am posting. what sam said: safety net. no. security blanket. about the garb.

that makes sense. sometimes when first reading i do not absorb much.

i think my son uses his garb as self-expression. he wants to declare how he feels. to not cover over or up. to be real. warts and all.

i get this.

at the same time. i want to tell my son what i earnestly feel. i want to be forthright. i have seen that as part of my role.

he can and does negate it. today he said this right back: I respect myself enough to not accept what you say.

good.

does that forgive my being inappropriate or cruel or out of my lane? no. not at all.

i apologized tonight to him.

i get i need to zip my lip. oh how tiresome i feel. i wear myself out. (how apt is albatrosses coconut story.)

i guess you guys know that i have come to and largely committed to the idea of an activist position with my son. even as i question and second guess that very stance.

i reread the beginning of this thread where i was questioning providing assistance and what kind.

it was remarkable to me how much we have traveled in 2 months. steps forward. steps back. and so forth. have we gone anywhere? yes. absolutely. nowhere concrete. but relationship wise and learning? very much.

i know i will come to you again and again with anger, fear and self-doubt.

but i wanted to thank you for your patience with me and your unwavering support. for better or worse.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

there are so many levels of this. most of which you all have touched on.

i know this is about me. i am seeking to change. and one way is by writing these self-revelatory and confessional posts.

i am trying to be conscious of and own stuff about myself, in myself. it is painful and embarassing. i am not putting forth this way of being as in any way desirable.

i feel for my son.

what i feel is not in the main embarassment. i think what it is in the main is fear (for him and myself) and poor boundaries on my part.

also i think that each of us differs in terms of our expectations of ourselves as parents and family. we operate from different playbooks and cultures. and we evolve.

my son is clearly benefiting from our involvement and support. unfortunately my involvement and support has been laden with too much emotion. and too many of my own needs. i am quite fully and imperfectly human.

i drive him nuts. i do. he tells me when i cross the line. thankfully. he drives me nuts too.

as each day goes by i become a tiny bit more confident and hopeful. about myself. i recognize my default is still to locate results and feelings in him, my son. alas.

this is a large part of my motivation to post here in such an agonizing and shame- inducing way.

i seek to heal myself as i can and to give my son a base in relationship and to the extent possible, a home to heal. however. it often feels to him i abuse my power. that i make my support conditional. which is inappropriate in a relationship with another adult.

i do not know quite what to do. because everything in life has conditiions

i am trying right now to stay in conversation. that's all.

Wow! I feel like I could have written this about myself. All of it but especially the part about your involvement.

 

[Littleboylost]

full disclosure. i did complain to a costco manager.

he said: costco does not stereotype. anybody.

i quite deiberately and knowingly asked him to verify on my card my years of membership. i think since 1985!

i told him i would not call corporate. but i inferred i could have.

i told him this: i am a shopper and a mother. you have a right to promote safety and security. my son as a patron should not have to endure inappropriate judgement independent of bad acts. my son has never been arrested. he has been a costco patron independent of me for a decade.

i am remembering now why i am posting. what sam said: safety net. no. security blanket. about the garb.

that makes sense. sometimes when first reading i do not absorb much.

i think my son uses his garb as self-expression. he wants to declare how he feels. to not cover over or up. to be real. warts and all.

i get this.

at the same time. i want to tell my son what i earnestly feel. i want to be forthright. i have seen that as part of my role.

he can and does negate it. today he said this right back: I respect myself enough to not accept what you say.

good.

does that forgive my being inappropriate or cruel or out of my lane? no. not at all.

i apologized tonight to him.

i get i need to zip my lip. oh how tiresome i feel. i wear myself out. (how apt is albatrosses coconut story.)

i guess you guys know that i have come to and largely committed to the idea of an activist position with my son. even as i question and second guess that very stance.

i reread the beginning of this thread where i was questioning providing assistance and what kind.

it was remarkable to me how much we have traveled in 2 months. steps forward. steps back. and so forth. have we gone anywhere? yes. absolutely. nowhere concrete. but relationship wise and learning? very much.

i know i will come to you again and again with anger, fear and self-doubt.

but i wanted to thank you for your patience with me and your unwavering support. for better or worse.

Copa

I too reread posts as I absorb and interpret things differently with each reading.

We are so often so engrossed in our own story that I for one don’t gain full perspective on it until I journal it here. I do journal and oddly I find my private journal is Moran of an emotional purge and not as introspective and what I write here. Puzzling but helpful none the less.

Is some of what we experience with our DCs a generation gap, typical angst for all or some? It is challenging to Absorb and accept.

I have often been shocked at how friends have accepted the slothenly behaviours of the teens and young adults. This is something I simply will not tolerate in my home. That is a non negotiable there will be no dirty bedrooms full of unwashed clothing and empty food containers all over the place. There will be no drug paraphernalia allied in my home. I think we must lead by example where we can.

Wow 9 children! I had no idea. I am the youngest of 10 children. My father had been gone 1 1/2 now and my mother 6 months. I have 8 living siblings and sadly am close to only one and convers with 3 others. The others are to enmeshed in their broken lives of chaos and addiction or alcoholism. I am grateful for my sister I am close to we have a very strong bond.

I am enjoying a clean and clear headed son this morning. He made us coffee and life is calm.

I want to slap the touque off his head and tell him to take the hoodie off ....deep breath and accept it. I don’t have to like it. But no judgment....baby steps.

He has been informed that his rehab facility does not allow hoodies and is a non smoking facility. He has been attempting to cut down on his dependence for smoking. We bought him nicotine patches....waste of money.

We all learn and grow from each other here.

I am glad yo spoke to the Costco manager about the incident with J. It does make me feel guilty about the distain I have had in the past seeing my son in public. A lesson learned for all of us.

I wish you a peaceful weekend.

 

[New Leaf]

my son is clearly benefiting from our involvement and support. unfortunately my involvement and support has been laden with too much emotion. and too many of my own needs. i am quite fully and imperfectly human

We are all imperfectly human. I was thinking on one of Cedars old posts about vulnerability, and I found this short piece from Brene Brown
Dr. Brené Brown on Faking It, Perfectionism and Living Wholeheartedly | SuperSoul Sunday | OWN
I love Brene's work.
My Dad was a perfectionist. Everything in order.
Boy, do I fall short.
But I find myself clinging to that ideal, that everything has to be just right, before this can be done.......

as each day goes by i become a tiny bit more confident and hopeful. about myself. i recognize my default is still to locate results and feelings in him, my son. alas.

Well, forgive me if I am wrong, but you are being empathetic, when you relate his struggles, with your own. A good thing.
The results thing is the hard part.
It is really up to him.
But, his connection with you helps too.
A lot.
Sigh.
This is something I need to work at.
Detaching with love.

i seek to heal myself as i can and to give my son a base in relationship and to the extent possible, a home to heal. however. it often feels to him i abuse my power. that i make my support conditional. which is inappropriate in a relationship with another adult.

Healing. I posted to RN, that I was beginning to feel that I am healing. I have a lot of work to do. I have thought during my walks and prayed for my two. Hoping that they will see their spark and meaning. There has been a sort of disconnect between us, because of all that has happened, and I have built up that Star Trekkian shield to protect myself. I am thinking now, that I have built up these callouses to preserve myself, but it is not really me.
"Fake it till you make it." I even wrote that to you, Copa. I suppose that has come through the old teachings I learned........ that Nat King Cole song,
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you
Hummmmm.
So, stuff the feelings down. Stuff the grief because, who can go to work and just fall apart?
There is much to putting on the brave face to get through the day. It becomes a necessity, to get things done. But, at the end of the day, those feelings are still there.
Healing.
There is so much to be done on that level.

i do not know quite what to do. because everything in life has conditiions

I think I am to the point where I can make an effort to see Rain, to try to reconnect, but to understand that there are boundaries.
Not conditions, boundaries.
Yes, everything in life has conditions. True.
I often ponder the whole "unconditional" love thing, because my Tornado has shoved that one in my face to mean that I should just allow her to live in my home and she does as she chooses.
Nope, not going back there.
That's boundaries.
I love her, but not her choices.
It is the connection that is lacking.
I am trying to figure that one out.
Love her, reconnect, but not go back to an enabling state.
That frenzy, where I am so uncomfortable with her choices that I think it is up to me to "fix" her.

It is hard with our d cs. You described your son as "not normal".Yup, that's me, but it is also my two. What is normal anyways? Well, my normal, would not accept living in a park, but who is to say what I would do under the influence of meth?
Not to excuse it.
I am finding my struggle is how to reconnect, without going back to what was.
My aching heart wanting things to be different, NOW.
Connection.
Maybe for me it is as simple as visiting Rain once in a while, just to let her know that I love her. Bring some soup, or something. Honestly, just writing that feels like, sure, bring her some soup, whoopee, she lives in a fricken tent, in a park. I guess that is the old me, feeling that I have to pull out all the stops.
Whoa nelly.
Breathe.
Okay, connection, something, is better than nothing.
There is something in me that feels a part of my healing, is being able to face what choices my daughter is making, without feeling them to the depth of my soul.
Am I making any sense? I don't know Copa. I will pray on it.
No contact, it worked when the bottom dropped out, and everything was haywire.
But, then, there is still this kind of ....void.
Or, is it avoid? Am I avoiding the situation all together, because I am so afraid of my vulnerability?
Much to ponder and work on there.

i am trying right now to stay in conversation. that's all.

You are courageous Copa. This is hard stuff.

anyway. my son and i are having heart to heart talks.

That is awesome. He is opening up to you.

i risk a lot by putting out what i do. i do it because i believe this works. one day at a time.

I admire your honesty and capability to put yourself out there. That is a big part of healing, to bare your vulnerabilities. I think it works, too. To read and write along with others in similar situations, writing out feelings and viewing different perspectives. Processing. Hopefully growing in understanding of ourselves, and others.

i think my son uses his garb as self-expression. he wants to declare how he feels. to not cover over or up. to be real. warts and all.

This struck me. When I was in such grief over hubs passing, I didn't care how I presented myself, what I wore.
It was how I felt, that clothed me. I went into seclusion, really. I had to.

he can and does negate it. today he said this right back: I respect myself enough to not accept what you say.

That is awesome. He is his own person.

does that forgive my being inappropriate or cruel or out of my lane? no. not at all.

I need to watch the empathy piece over and again. In my struggle to not enable, I fear I may have swung the other way. (You think Leafy?)
Okay, I know.
Self protect mode.
There were so many better ways to say to my kids that they needed to get help, or not even say that, but let them know that I have been in some dark times myself.
But, I am not going to kick myself over my reaction to years of hurt. (I am really, really good at kicking myself)
I am going to try to do better. Not perfect, better.
We are only human.
Our reactions are human. We will be inappropriate. Sometimes, cruel, out of our lane.
I don't remember watching any Disney movies about what we have gone through, are going through with our d cs. It all does not come naturally.
How to respond and react when our d cs, and our worlds turn upside down.
It is a disaster, catastrophic, to our family, our hearts.
Are we prepared?
Our feelings and reactions like canned goods, and water bottles, set aside for if the time comes?

It was remarkable to me how much we have traveled in 2 months. steps forward. steps back. and so forth. have we gone anywhere? yes. absolutely. nowhere concrete. but relationship wise and learning? very much.

I am glad for this, Copa.
Thank you for sharing.
You have opened up an understanding in myself, that if I have really healed, I am more able to connect with my two, without going into despair.
I was so afraid, to let myself feel.
To be vulnerable and open my heart to a possibility of being so lost again.
I am not talking of bringing my two home, and in writing that, I am not judging what you are doing for your son.
We all must do, what we feel is right within ourselves.
I am saying that your courage has shown me, that I can be courageous, too.
Which is, to be the mother of two addicted adult children, know we are connected, and nurture that.
I will start simply.
One thought, prayer and step at a time.
Thank you Copa.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Littleboylost]

We are all imperfectly human. I was thinking on one of Cedars old posts about vulnerability, and I found this short piece from Brene Brown
Dr. Brené Brown on Faking It, Perfectionism and Living Wholeheartedly | SuperSoul Sunday | OWN
I love Brene's work.
My Dad was a perfectionist. Everything in order.
Boy, do I fall short.
But I find myself clinging to that ideal, that everything has to be just right, before this can be done.......


Brené Brown on Empathy

Well, forgive me if I am wrong, but you are being empathetic, when you relate his struggles, with your own. A good thing.
The results thing is the hard part.
It is really up to him.
But, his connection with you helps too.
A lot.
Sigh.
This is something I need to work at.
Detaching with love.

Healing. I posted to RN, that I was beginning to feel that I am healing. I have a lot of work to do. I have thought during my walks and prayed for my two. Hoping that they will see their spark and meaning. There has been a sort of disconnect between us, because of all that has happened, and I have built up that Star Trekkian shield to protect myself. I am thinking now, that I have built up these callouses to preserve myself, but it is not really me.
"Fake it till you make it." I even wrote that to you, Copa. I suppose that has come through the old teachings I learned........ that Nat King Cole song,
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you
Hummmmm.
So, stuff the feelings down. Stuff the grief because, who can go to work and just fall apart?
There is much to putting on the brave face to get through the day. It becomes a necessity, to get things done. But, at the end of the day, those feelings are still there.
Healing.
There is so much to be done on that level.


I think I am to the point where I can make an effort to see Rain, to try to reconnect, but to understand that there are boundaries.
Not conditions, boundaries.
Yes, everything in life has conditions. True.
I often ponder the whole "unconditional" love thing, because my Tornado has shoved that one in my face to mean that I should just allow her to live in my home and she does as she chooses.
Nope, not going back there.
That's boundaries.
I love her, but not her choices.
It is the connection that is lacking.
I am trying to figure that one out.
Love her, reconnect, but not go back to an enabling state.
That frenzy, where I am so uncomfortable with her choices that I think it is up to me to "fix" her.

It is hard with our d cs. You described your son as "not normal".Yup, that's me, but it is also my two. What is normal anyways? Well, my normal, would not accept living in a park, but who is to say what I would do under the influence of meth?
Not to excuse it.
I am finding my struggle is how to reconnect, without going back to what was.
My aching heart wanting things to be different, NOW.
Connection.
Maybe for me it is as simple as visiting Rain once in a while, just to let her know that I love her. Bring some soup, or something. Honestly, just writing that feels like, sure, bring her some soup, whoopee, she lives in a fricken tent, in a park. I guess that is the old me, feeling that I have to pull out all the stops.
Whoa nelly.
Breathe.
Okay, connection, something, is better than nothing.
There is something in me that feels a part of my healing, is being able to face what choices my daughter is making, without feeling them to the depth of my soul.
Am I making any sense? I don't know Copa. I will pray on it.
No contact, it worked when the bottom dropped out, and everything was haywire.
But, then, there is still this kind of ....void.
Or, is it avoid? Am I avoiding the situation all together, because I am so afraid of my vulnerability?
Much to ponder and work on there.

You are courageous Copa. This is hard stuff.

That is awesome. He is opening up to you.

I admire your honesty and capability to put yourself out there. That is a big part of healing, to bare your vulnerabilities. I think it works, too. To read and write along with others in similar situations, writing out feelings and viewing different perspectives. Processing. Hopefully growing in understanding of ourselves, and others.
This struck me. When I was in such grief over hubs passing, I didn't care how I presented myself, what I wore.
It was how I felt, that clothed me. I went into seclusion, really. I had to.

That is awesome. He is his own person.


I need to watch the empathy piece over and again. In my struggle to not enable, I fear I may have swung the other way. (You think Leafy?)
Okay, I know.
Self protect mode.
There were so many better ways to say to my kids that they needed to get help, or not even say that, but let them know that I have been in some dark times myself.
But, I am not going to kick myself over my reaction to years of hurt. (I am really, really good at kicking myself)
I am going to try to do better. Not perfect, better.
We are only human.
Our reactions are human. We will be inappropriate. Sometimes, cruel, out of our lane.
I don't remember watching any Disney movies about what we have gone through, are going through with our d cs. It all does not come naturally.
How to respond and react when our d cs, and our worlds turn upside down.
It is a disaster, catastrophic, to our family, our hearts.
Are we prepared?
Our feelings and reactions like canned goods, and water bottles, set aside for if the time comes?
I am glad for this, Copa.
Thank you for sharing.
You have opened up an understanding in myself, that if I have really healed, I am more able to connect with my two, without going into despair.
I was so afraid, to let myself feel.
To be vulnerable and open my heart to a possibility of being so lost again.
I am not talking of bringing my two home, and in writing that, I am not judging what you are doing for your son.
We all must do, what we feel is right within ourselves.
I am saying that your courage has shown me, that I can be courageous, too.
Which is, to be the mother of two addicted adult children, know we are connected, and nurture that.
I will start simply.
One thought, prayer and step at a time.
Thank you Copa.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

Beautifully encouraging!

 

[New Leaf]

Another thought over the clothing piece......do you remember when we had to get dressed up......for everything? Go to the store, to the doctors, dentist, fly on the plane.
Dress up.
Boy, have times changed.

 

[Jabberwockey]

But I just visited a cousin who was like a sister growing up. Her house is piled with piles. Her RF was stuffed to overflowing with food old and new. I’ve been in many unkempt houses — not my business. But with hers, I felt the visual chaos. Like it was a reflection of internal chaos for her. She admitted she has been overwhelmed and paralyzed — and she was not just talking about her surroundings.

I offered to help organize, but I knew I would have liked to talk to her about that feeling more than I wanted to organize it away.

I think it takes a more conscious effort to choose the battles, for people with that eye/soul sensitivity.

But of course I agree with all the comments about the need to let that go with our DCs. Or maybe we can see it as their security blanket, at least for now.

Look into Pathways to Change. Its a class that we facilitate in prison and it might really help with this. The reason I mention it is that my personality color is Gold which means I'm very much into structure. Rules are huge for me as is organization. But when my life gets out of whack, my organization goes to hell. Realistically, the condition of our house is a huge testament to how out of whack our lives have been lately. I will try to find it online later and post but facilitating the class has helped me to learn a lot about why I do certain things.

i think my son uses his garb as self-expression. he wants to declare how he feels. to not cover over or up. to be real. warts and all.

i get this.

at the same time. i want to tell my son what i earnestly feel. i want to be forthright. i have seen that as part of my role.

he can and does negate it. today he said this right back: I respect myself enough to not accept what you say.

Perspective can be a . Let me pass on an incident that a friend of mine told Lil and I at dinner last night. She's told me this before and I use it in my class. Here's the cut down version.

Motorcycle officers (CHiP's) in California, Orange county specifically, don't respond to officer down calls. Due to high traffic volume its simply too dangerous to the officer to respond. A motorcycle cop she knew relayed an incident to her where an officer down call came through multiple times with no other officer responding. On the third call he responded en route and took off, lights flashing. Getting near the scene, another officer in a car responded en route so he pulled over into the first parking lot he came to in order to calm down. This parking lot happened to be a donut shop and he turned off the lights and siren, parked, and went inside. An older gentleman coming out held the door for him and commented as he walked in "I guess you guys really do go lights and sirens for donuts." There was NO explanation the officer could give that the gentleman would believe. Perspective.

I often ponder the whole "unconditional" love thing, because my Tornado has shoved that one in my face to mean that I should just allow her to live in my home and she does as she chooses.

Unconditional Love. Not acceptance, not liking, not tolerating. Love. Many times I've told my son that I love him but don't like him much at the moment. Loving someone doesn't mean you let them do whatever they want, it means you care for them enough to call BS when they're doing something stupid and self destructive. Loving someone doesn't mean that you let them run all over you and abuse you.

 

[Sam3]

Look into Pathways to Change. Its a class that we facilitate in prison and it might really help with this. The reason I mention it is that my personality color is Gold which means I'm very much into structure. Rules are huge for me as is organization. But when my life gets out of whack, my organization goes to hell. Realistically, the condition of our house is a huge testament to how out of whack our lives have been lately. I will try to find it online later and post but facilitating the class has helped me to learn a lot about why I do certain things.

Thanks. That sounds interesting for me too.

 

[Copabanana]

re-read much of this thread just now. thank you all.

a short update. summary statement: hit. miss. hit.

1: he had a clean drug test with the counselor today. he has not used in 10 days.

2: he finally began to go to n.a. he says a daily meeting.

3: he has a psychiatric evaluation scheduled on tuesday in our state capitol in order to be evaluated to proceed with vocational rehab.

4: he persists in advocating for mj use.

mom. i will demonstrate productivity and stability. i believe i should have the right to use marijuana.

mom's answer: sure. i would be so happy for you to establish your independent residence. but under a roof i control, no mj.

but mom. i use it to meditate. i will move out next month. nobody. i mean nobody considers mj to be problematic. nobody in n.a. has an issue with mj. (why am i not surprised?)

mom: fine. your choice.

p.s. he's not moving out.

we are sitting on him hard.

 

[BusynMember]

I don't usually chime in on your threads, but I think he is lying about people in N.A. all being okay with mj.

 

[Littleboylost]

re-read much of this thread just now. thank you all.

a short update. summary statement: hit. miss. hit.

1: he had a clean drug test with the counselor today. he has not used in 10 days.

2: he finally began to go to n.a. he says a daily meeting.

3: he has a psychiatric evaluation scheduled on tuesday in our state capitol in order to be evaluated to proceed with vocational rehab.

4: he persists in advocating for mj use.

mom. i will demonstrate productivity and stability. i believe i should have the right to use marijuana.

mom's answer: sure. i would be so happy for you to establish your independent residence. but under a roof i control, no mj.

but mom. i use it to meditate. i will move out next month. nobody. i mean nobody considers mj to be problematic. nobody in n.a. has an issue with mj. (why am i not surprised?)

mom: fine. your choice.

p.s. he's not moving out.

we are sitting on him hard.

My complete and utter response eq h time with my son is ....if. mJ is so unproblematic and not addictive why do you have a problem leaving it alone for the time being.

So difficult.

It is such good news that he is progressing in his rehab endeavours. Baby steps with progress not perfection. This is not an easy time to endure and progress through for any of us.

I am thinking of you.

 

[Sam3]

In one ear and out the other.

Is the old timey expression we used to say about our kids, when we talked

I am trying to open up that same free
flow between my own ears, when my son talks.

It helps.

At least with regard to the future and past, the present and most of their allleged feelings, the sounds that come out of their mouths are so often insincere when they are uttered or later disproved

It seems like my emotions and expectations are more appropriate when gauged to my son’s actions, and I leave his words out of it

Your sons actions, Copa, seem encouraging. Maybe just ignore his dogma anout MJ as some face saving blah, blah, blah

Your boundary keeping is excellent.

 

[New Leaf]

p.s. he's not moving out.

we are sitting on him hard.

Awesome news Copa. I am glad son is taking steps.
mj......ugh.
Have a wonderful Friday.....off to work.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Copabanana]

son got himself to a psychiatric evaluation in our state capitol for voc rehab and continued with the outpatient drug counselor. i tried to back up and give them space. as far as i could tell he was going to n.a.

m did not buy any of it.

and on christmas my son showed up with the gray mj pallor. i said: take a drug test if you want to stay. he took two. no go.

he tried to relitigate the whole mj thing. the gist of my response: my property.my rules. leave. it is dishonorable to make agreements and break them.

i told him to leave. m told him to leave the other house. i did not resist. it was very cold. he left the house but would not leave the yard. m and i would not relent. it was a long night.

today. all kinds of drama: he's going to no. dakota. he's at the end of the road....he said he was discontinuing treatment.

i stayed calm channeling m who had told me that i lacked patience. i kept talking, supporting hope and responsibility. i heard the beginning of listenning.

the upshot? the drug counselor has a friend who runs a christian sober living home by the college near our house. my son is moving in tomorow. he decided to stay in treatment.

this is so much better than having free rein and no support in his living environment. needless to say it is way better for us. we no longer need to feel responsible.

i am hopeful again.

 

[Littleboylost]

Hi Copa
What a roller coaster ride. Why do they lie? It is such an insult to our and their integrity.

I am glad he has decided to go to inpatient rehab. This is indeed such good news. Perhaps attempting outpatient rehab first was an important step.
You did an amazing job stying calm and collected while sticking to your boudaries. This is not easy and don’t we all know it.

Well done. Big hugs and all the best for a positive outcome with rehab for J.