The continuing Rollercoaster of pain and despair

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost in sadness, Feb 3, 2017.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I manage a few weeks at best, then I am back needing that warm comfort of you lovely people. Someone please please tell me this will end. I managed 10 days with no contact and then gradually it creeps back as if nothing has happened. I want to believe it will be different but it never is and deep down I always know that will be the outcome. He was sleeping on a sofa and i finally managed to get him to make contact with a friend I knew that had a job opportunity.(friend knows the situation) Pick him up and take him to the interview, he gets the job!!! Apparently the interview was open and honest, friend lays down the law, son agrees. One chance. Its a great job, well paid, great prospects. A career!
    With all this, we agree he can come home the following week once he starts his job. We wrote house rules including drug testing, he agrees. Pick him up first day job and take him to job. He loves it!! He even returned to running that night at the local athletics track. Girlfriend comes over (she has issues). Time comes for her to go, 10.30pm and he refuses. We had heard them arguing earlier in evening. We enforce our rules and he becomes abusive verbally. Goes off in a taxi blaming us. Next day, i pray he got up and went to work and I receive a text at the end of the day to say he never went. I am devastated. i call him, no answer, I text and he says he is not good and had tried to kill himself the previous night. He cuts me off. Next morning I make contact and beg him to go to work and keep the job as friend had agreed he could go bak in for a chat. he agrees, I pick him up and drive him to work. He wants me to go to shop and get him papers for cigarettes, I tell him I don't have time and he absolutely loses it! Fists clenched, screaming at me, punching the dashboard, throwing stuff, reducing me to tears. He goads me when I do this. Then he starts crying and wants a hug. I want to leave, I ask him to get out and go into work. He gets out and walks out of the gate on the phone. I drive off and tell him it is 9am and he should be in work. He agrees. I go home and go to bed. I'm ill. He sends an apology email from his work account so I see he went. I don't reply. I stay in bed. My husband messages him and tells him I will pick him up and end of day but he is never to behave like that again and if he so much as raises his voice at me he is out. He says we will be going over the house rules that evening. I pick him up and he is in good spirits, loves his job! I'm on edge. He starts helping himself to beers out of the fridge. Seems manic! Rings his grandma to tell her the good news about his job - really strange as he has not had any contact with her for a number of months. Husband comes home and we sit to talk. He only says a few words and my son starts. He shouts, swears, awful behavior and my husband tells me he cannot live with us. He tells me son calmly to pack some things and he will drive him back to where he was staying previously. He has 30mins to get sorted. It doesn't happen so my husband says he will need to call the police if he doesn't hurry up. Son goes mad, gets on phone to police, Is verbally abusive telling the operator he needs to f*****g hurry up and get the police here or he will need an ambulance too. It felt unreal, like I was watching a nightmare. Who was this person, out of control. He calls my lovely lovely daughter a f*****g c**t and she cries, heartbroken. Police arrive and he behaves like an animal telling them to arrest him as he has no where to go. I can't breathe. One officer has been to us before and was not very patient telling my son he was behaving like a 12 year old! Eventually my son is removed.
    I pray he will keep his job and I text girlfriend next day and she says he went to work. Phew.
    Following week, he went to work (this week). Tuesday evening I see friend and ask how son is getting on, he can't look at me - says he is an "interesting character" with a "lot going on" and that they were going out for coffee the next day to "iron some things out". I know there is something wrong. Next morning, Wednesday I get a text from friend asking if I'm free to talk. I agree. He has had to "let my son go". No surprises there really, BUT for STEALING!!!!! WHAT!!??? I am hurt beyond belief that he would do such a thing, not only to a friend of mine but to someone that offered him a lifeline, a chance to change his life. My friend did not call the police but instead drove him home (not ours). I have tried to communicate with my son about why but he is angry...as me...for what? what did I do? He blames me for throwing him out again. Usual, I'm a rubbish mum blah blah. I feel numb and dead inside. He threw away the best opportunity to save himself and now has nothing. He has since blocked me. So, i do what?
    I am sorry for my long post but I don't post often, just when desperate.....xx
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I am sorry for you. When someone uses "mum," I assume they are not in the U.S. and sadly I have no knowledge of services in any other country. They don't have any here, really,if the person is 18 or over.

    My answer to You is that your son is an adult who is choosing to act in an noncceptable way. In my particular home, violence is no tolerance. Violence is more than just striking another person, i learned when I volunteered in a domestic abuse center. There is standing in your face, angry verbal violence, breaking items on purpose including putting fists through walls is violence, screaming is violence, spitting is violence. Your son was violent in that car ride. I suspect he is violent often. I personally would make him leave, stop trying to find solutions that he doesn't honor or appreciate and stop believing there is anything you can do to change him. His behavior suggests drug abuse and danger and only one person can change him...And that is himself. A person can not change another person. You have seen this. On some level you know this. Let him block you. Sadly he will be back as soon as he wants something from you. Enjoy the peace until then. Don't beg him...He will lose any respect he may still have for you and just act worse. Don't give him so much power over your life.

    It is time for him to man up. Or not. It is his life and only he can make it good. In the meantime, you have an obligation to yourself and your other loved ones to be good to one another and to not allow this one son to ruin your life or suck the air out of your world. You tried that. It didn't work. It wont work. It never works unless THEY want it.

    Your son is, like many adults who bring us here, not nice right now and even dangerous. Take care of yourself first. You can't think of him as a helpless cute little boy anymore and you can't kiss it and make it better. Society sees a man. So must you in order to realize your limitations.

    Hugs and put yourself first now.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2017
  3. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Firstly i am so sorry for the pain you and your family are going through. My son who has addiction and mental health issues had similar issues and treated us, the family, the dog, and the house like crap!. We had to have him removed from the house for our safety and the safety of our daughter at age 17. I agree with SWOT. Your home is your sanctuary and should remain as such. His disrespect for you, your husband daughter and friend is appalling. Its time to take your life back! You also need to think about protecting your daughter. She shouldn't be exposed to that type of verbal abuse ever. You have done what you can, and I would encourage that the detachment process begin in a loving way.

    Is he being treated for mental illness, addiction or both? You mentioned he seemed manic! He also sounds very impulsive. This could be an indication of drugs,mental illness or both. However he needs to now sort this out.

    We spent a decade trying to FIX our son. It wasn't until he hit rock bottom (criminal charges and convictions) and was forced to accept the judicial system consequences that he finally started to change. That and the fact that we stopped enabling, and rescuing him. It has been a long long hard journey, but we are still walking. There were several months of complete estrangement after he was charged, but I needed that time to reflect, and get help and start to heal. Our relationship is very different now. He knows I have boundaries, and that he can no longer break my heart. Many hugs for you. This is not something you can fix....he needs to and the sooner you can get out of his way, the sooner he will come to realize that and perhaps make the necessary changes. Take care of yourself, your husband and daughter. The prodigal son will return in his time.
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Lost in Sadness:

    I'm not sure how old your son is but the abuse you, your husband and your daughter are taking from him is unacceptable.

    You cannot save him. He has to save himself. You are enabling him by letting this behavior continue. It sounds like drug abuse to me also or he is mentally ill.

    We have been through many years of bad behavior with our son and finally (after reading this forum and talking to a professional in addiction) offered either rehab or a homeless shelter - he had no place to go. He took rehab and after 30 days there, husband took him to Florida for continued treatment. He rejected most of it but after six months finally seems to be getting it together. I figured he was not going to do THIS in MY home. I was no longer going to be a prisoner to his bad behaviors.

    You can see by my signature that we've been through a lot. We figured if he's in Florida he can sleep on the beach if he is homeless. We are in Chicago and winters are brutal but I'm okay with him being on a beach. He had to decide if he wanted to continue to do drugs and make poor choices. Fine with us but not under our nose. He has to decide what kind of person he wants to be and what kind of life he wants to live.

    He is making progress but it's slow. We are helping him as little as possible. He is working 30 hours and taking a class. He knows if he loses his job he will be homeless. We expect him to pay part of his rent and for his food and gas. He never could hold a job before but now he has to do it and he is and he likes it. I have been in therapy since June and it's not the first time. It helps.

    If I were you I'd not let him return home. He doesn't deserve to be with the family. You will have to toughen up and set boundaries and it probably will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but you need it and HE needs it also. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Not my quote but it's true.

    Keep posting here because it helps. I go back and read where I've been and how far we've all come and it is a good feeling. There are so many of us that are suffering and it's good to know you're not alone.

    Hugs and stay strong!
     
  5. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Wow. He's really put you through the ringer.

    I really don't think you should let him back into your home, as it will be more of the same.

    You need a support group, and a therapist to guide you through this. It's really, really hard to do this on your own, and it goes against our mothering instinct to say no, to not help, to not give second and third chances, when they keep screwing up. Some kids, like ours, only learn the hard way, and many of them relapse, refuse medications and therapy, lose jobs, end up in jail, and do the same bad stuff over and over again before they finally turn it around.

    Keep posting, we are all here for you!