HeadlightsMom
Well-Known Member
Well, he did it. Our difficult child checked himself into in-patient rehab (dual diagnosis -- mental health and drugs) this morning. Our goals were:
1) Drive him to rehab
2) Survive the night before driving him to rehab
A few thoughts on our experience......
First, we're proud of him today! Can't say that every day. In fact, can rarely say that at all (just being honest). But he did it ALL on his own (oh, except we drove him up there - 1.5 hrs as he has no car nor driver's license).
Second, it went reasonably well having him here last night. At first he tried to manipulate having his girlfriend stay here, too. Uh..........NO. Surprisingly, he gave it a rest fairly quickly. No other manipulations I'm aware of from him, though. Our "open windows" with him are FEW and FAR BETWEEN. We are learning to "compartmentalize" our time with him and "love with detachment". Comments from you all in this group helped me tremendously with "love with detachment". Deflector shields up!
Third, when our difficult child has an "open window", he does chat. Last night he was very chatty. To be honest, I said almost nothing at all. I just sat and listened. No advice, rarely a question (other than to ask him to please repeat himself as he often mumbles). He shared details about his teeth, his meth habit & dealing history, his crime with stolen goods, etc.
SIDE NOTE: At one point, I asked him my only REAL question and said, "Aside from police, jail, bad teeth, court orders, etc.... Is there any stop sign in your head which tells you this is just plain wrong?" Gotta give him credit...... He said, "Uh...no, not really." I believe he was honest in that -- and clearly affectively detached. Interestingly, though, about an hour later he came in and stood there, not looking at me (staring at our bookshelves) and said, "I don't get it....I'm feeling kinda emotional." I stopped and said, "Elaborate?" He said, "Well, I don't usually feel stuff. You know me. I just don't. But I feel stuff tonight." All he would say after that was, "I can't believe I deserted my son" (who's now almost 4). I said nothing. I just let him "sit in it" and feel whatever he felt. He stood near me (3-ft away?) for many minutes saying nothing. I just stayed quiet with him.
Fourth, I was quickly reminded this morning how difficult he can be, though...... Could NOT get him out of bed! Same old stuff he pulled as a 5 yr old, a 12 yr old, a 16 yr old, and, now, a 24 yo. Blech! But eventually he got up and off we drove to rehab (he slept the whole way........easier for us all). He checked himself in (we did have to show our insurance card). We were only there for a few minutes, but the place seemed better than many we've seen. We hugged, said, "We love you, we're proud of you being here, and you can do this -- choose to." Aaaaaaand we left.
Lastly, we've been more public about this series of events than in previous times. So has difficult child (which is good, in our opinion). We have heard everything ranging from "Have MORE hope!" to "Have LESS hope!" I have vacillated between those in past years. But I do not vacillate now as I'm feeling far more Zen-like about it these days. I view it as more of HIS journey than mine. MY journey is to find a balance of love (for HIM AND ME) and healthy boundaries (for ME).
No matter what HE does, I am responsible for only what I do. Yes, does help to say that out loud, often, as it clarifies my thoughts and cements my resolve. So...... whether he completes this program or not is HIS journey (particularly as he's an adult). I am only responsible for MY journey. And I believe MY journey is far healthier when it's only in the NOW (not the past nor the future). Only NOW -- TODAY. The Buddhist "Mindfulness" concept has great value.
So, I wrote these 2 paragraphs, below, to share with others who love me and expressed concern for my heart during this time (Which I greatly appreciate! Being loved is awesome!).........
"Life is a string of moments -- some good, some bad. It's a fallacy to think life's moments are either all good or all bad. And it's a travesty not to celebrate the good moments unabashedly! If some scenarios "moments" are few or brief, celebrate their occurrences all the more as a rare and precious gift.
Life is not meant to be static, it's meant to be fluid and vibrant! Consider this.... if one never celebrates some moments in fear that "the other shoe will drop", then one may never celebrate at all. I say EVERY good moment merits celebrating! And if all should collapse tomorrow, then I will be even more glad that I celebrated today. I did not learn this overnight, nor did I learn it easily. But I am so glad to be learning it on ever-deepening levels."
So, in summary......... It is well with my soul TODAY.
1) Drive him to rehab
2) Survive the night before driving him to rehab
A few thoughts on our experience......
First, we're proud of him today! Can't say that every day. In fact, can rarely say that at all (just being honest). But he did it ALL on his own (oh, except we drove him up there - 1.5 hrs as he has no car nor driver's license).
Second, it went reasonably well having him here last night. At first he tried to manipulate having his girlfriend stay here, too. Uh..........NO. Surprisingly, he gave it a rest fairly quickly. No other manipulations I'm aware of from him, though. Our "open windows" with him are FEW and FAR BETWEEN. We are learning to "compartmentalize" our time with him and "love with detachment". Comments from you all in this group helped me tremendously with "love with detachment". Deflector shields up!
Third, when our difficult child has an "open window", he does chat. Last night he was very chatty. To be honest, I said almost nothing at all. I just sat and listened. No advice, rarely a question (other than to ask him to please repeat himself as he often mumbles). He shared details about his teeth, his meth habit & dealing history, his crime with stolen goods, etc.
SIDE NOTE: At one point, I asked him my only REAL question and said, "Aside from police, jail, bad teeth, court orders, etc.... Is there any stop sign in your head which tells you this is just plain wrong?" Gotta give him credit...... He said, "Uh...no, not really." I believe he was honest in that -- and clearly affectively detached. Interestingly, though, about an hour later he came in and stood there, not looking at me (staring at our bookshelves) and said, "I don't get it....I'm feeling kinda emotional." I stopped and said, "Elaborate?" He said, "Well, I don't usually feel stuff. You know me. I just don't. But I feel stuff tonight." All he would say after that was, "I can't believe I deserted my son" (who's now almost 4). I said nothing. I just let him "sit in it" and feel whatever he felt. He stood near me (3-ft away?) for many minutes saying nothing. I just stayed quiet with him.
Fourth, I was quickly reminded this morning how difficult he can be, though...... Could NOT get him out of bed! Same old stuff he pulled as a 5 yr old, a 12 yr old, a 16 yr old, and, now, a 24 yo. Blech! But eventually he got up and off we drove to rehab (he slept the whole way........easier for us all). He checked himself in (we did have to show our insurance card). We were only there for a few minutes, but the place seemed better than many we've seen. We hugged, said, "We love you, we're proud of you being here, and you can do this -- choose to." Aaaaaaand we left.
Lastly, we've been more public about this series of events than in previous times. So has difficult child (which is good, in our opinion). We have heard everything ranging from "Have MORE hope!" to "Have LESS hope!" I have vacillated between those in past years. But I do not vacillate now as I'm feeling far more Zen-like about it these days. I view it as more of HIS journey than mine. MY journey is to find a balance of love (for HIM AND ME) and healthy boundaries (for ME).
No matter what HE does, I am responsible for only what I do. Yes, does help to say that out loud, often, as it clarifies my thoughts and cements my resolve. So...... whether he completes this program or not is HIS journey (particularly as he's an adult). I am only responsible for MY journey. And I believe MY journey is far healthier when it's only in the NOW (not the past nor the future). Only NOW -- TODAY. The Buddhist "Mindfulness" concept has great value.
So, I wrote these 2 paragraphs, below, to share with others who love me and expressed concern for my heart during this time (Which I greatly appreciate! Being loved is awesome!).........
"Life is a string of moments -- some good, some bad. It's a fallacy to think life's moments are either all good or all bad. And it's a travesty not to celebrate the good moments unabashedly! If some scenarios "moments" are few or brief, celebrate their occurrences all the more as a rare and precious gift.
Life is not meant to be static, it's meant to be fluid and vibrant! Consider this.... if one never celebrates some moments in fear that "the other shoe will drop", then one may never celebrate at all. I say EVERY good moment merits celebrating! And if all should collapse tomorrow, then I will be even more glad that I celebrated today. I did not learn this overnight, nor did I learn it easily. But I am so glad to be learning it on ever-deepening levels."
So, in summary......... It is well with my soul TODAY.
