Things are looking up...maybe...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LauraH, Mar 7, 2018.

  1. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    My son called me from the psychiatric ward on Saturday and at one point said some very hurtful things to me. I didn't react or respond, considering where he is, but when he called me on Sunday I didn't take the call. I just wasn't in a frame of mind to be hurt even more. He didn't call me Monday or Tuesday and finally called me today. He sounds so much better than he has in a long time. Amazing what a few days without meth will do for someone!

    He's alert, chipper, sounding more like his genial self. and he has a plan. It's a grandiose pipe-dream kind of plan but I'm not about to burst his bubble at this point. If it's going to burst it will do so soon enough without my help. The plan is that when he gets discharged from the unit tomorrow he's going to a 28 day rehab there in Chicago. After that he wants to go to New York City for a sober living program. How this is supposed to work is that he has furniture in storage that he thinks he can sell for around $1000...although I am skeptical about that. If he can make concrete arrangements for somewhere to stay in NYC I will book him a one-way flight there...but it has to be something provable, I won't just take his word for it. The last thing I need to do is enable him to get to New York and be on the streets.

    So this could work...or not. It's really up to him at this point. I'll just be happy if he completes the rehab, which so far he has failed to do. I'm sort of an optimistic pessimist. I see bad things happening but I also have faith and hope that everything goes right this time. Does that make sense?

    Oh and I made it to Nar-Anon on Monday. I didn't get to really say anything because they had a guest speaker but I received a warm welcome and am looking forward to attending more meetings. Even my son acknowledged that I was doing a good thing for myself.
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  2. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am so glad your son is looking to take some positive steps for his recovery. I also like your phrase optimistic pessimist. I pray that he holds to his plan and completes all of it. In the meantime continue to get support for yourself with nar anon and this group as well.
  3. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I found one sober living house in NY that sounded too good to be true. And when the guy said it was $10,000 a month with no financial assistance, I knew it was, at least for my son. But we have 28 days to see what's out there. If anyone is familiar with sober living facilities in NYC that either take Medicaid or offer sliding-scale fees, I would appreciate any info you may have.
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Geez, with the opioid epidemic and everything else out there, these guys are "scalping" the market. Unbelievable.
    I am glad you are looking at this from a reasonable point of view. Hubs favorite saying was "Talk is cheap".
    Makes perfect sense to me. Wanting good things to happen, but preparing if they don't. Me, too, I am a realist/idealist.
    Good for you, Laura. Anything we can do to bolster ourselves is a plus for us, and our beloveds, I believe. Be the change you wish to see. That change for us means self care and moving forward from the despair of it all. For them, it is a model of what we wish for them to do, escape the nightmare of drugs and learn to take care of themselves.
    Prayers going up for your son finding his true potential.
  5. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Wow i know i couldn't do that. I hope you find something that you are able to do. Is somewhere besides New York more reasonable?
  6. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Hi Laura. My son went to a sober living in Chicago that was 500.00 a month and it took Blue Cross ( for the counseling...he eventually got on Medicaid). Good place. He had to leave after 9 months because he couldn't ( make that wouldn't) find a job. Good program. They took sliding scale. 500.00 included meals.

    I listen to Doctor Radio on Sirius which is based in NYC. and there is this and there is this drug and ethos counselor who is on frequently . I will try to do a google search. If I find anything, I will post or send you pm.
  7. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member


    Lower East Side Service Center. This counselor highly recommends this place. Says it takes Medicaid/ sliding scale. Worth a call. ( in NYC)
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  8. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Thanks for the responses! I'll pass on the info about the Lower East Side Center. As for going anywhere else, he wants to leave Chicago and he has his heart set on NY. He said that he found out today that, unlike other states and/or cities, there appears to be no requirement of living there for a certain amount of time to establish residency and get assistance. If he can get Medicaid that quickly (he has Medicaid currently but it's only accepted in Illinois AFAIK) He should be able to find some place that can help him.
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  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Why New York? Does it matter where he gets sober? Are you sure there isn't some reason, like an online girlfriend why he wants to go rather than getting sober? New York is expensive....

    Anyhow good luck!
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    For me, I would be very leery of the New York thing. If he truly wants to get sober he can do it in Chicago. He says he has furniture in storage that he can sell. Who's paying the storage fees?
    I understand his heart is set on New York but I would want to know more about why. What is his true motivation?
    I went through something very similar with my son. He hated Denver, said that he could no longer live there, it wasn't good for him and if he could start over somewhere else it would all be different. He has started over in more than a few cities and the end result is always the same. For my son, he has not truly addressed or dealt with his addictions to alcohol and drugs.
    A change of location is not going to make the issue go away.
    I do hope your son is sincere about wanting to get sober. I just want to make sure you are going into this with your eyes wide open. You say you will pay for a one way ticket for him to get there which is very generous of you. Be prepared for what might be on the other side of this if things to do not go well. What will your plan be if he calls and says it's not working out, he needs money, he's has no where to go?
    Again, I do hope this all works out for the best but as I have journeyed this road for many years I have learned to be very cautious and to have a very clear set of boundaries in place, what I will and will not do for my son.
    I'm wishing you and your son all the best and do hope that he will take getting sober very seriously.
    Please let us know how things go.
  11. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I too am leery of both rehab and sober living, because the other times he enrolled in rehab it was more a way to get out of having to go to work than of getting clean, and I really believe now it's because it's either rehab or the streets. He lost his apartment a month or so ago and was living with his boyfriend in the basement of his mother's house until recently when he went off on a bipolar rage and damaged her back door, so I'm certain he's not welcome there anymore. I also think the sober living idea is a way to have a place to stay temporarily.

    As for New York, some time ago he had said he needed to get out of Chicago and away from the boyfriend because their relationship is highly toxic and all they seem to do is fight and make up on at least a weekly basis, sometimes more, and of course the meth. The boyfriend was who introduced my son to it in the first place. He's as addicted to the boyfriend as he is to meth, and when he said the only way to stay away from the boyfriend is to leave the area, I agreed with him on that much anyway. So my husband (not his father) and I offered to fly him to Florida or anywhere else provided he had firm arrangements for a place to stay.

    I'm not thrilled about the New York thing but my only other option is to tell him to just stay in Chicago and deal with it. And as long as he stays in Chicago he will keep going back and forth with the boyfriend. So if he can make arrangements that I can confirm beforehand, I will keep my end of the bargain. If New York turns out not to be the promised land, he's on his own if he decides he'd rather go somewhere else.

    When he was a minor he blamed living in Daytona Beach on his problems and behavior. Then he moved to Orlando and it was because he was living in Orlando. I told him that no matter where he goes he can't get away from himself or his problems. I actually agree with everything you're saying but he didn't listen to my advice or respect my boundaries as a child. Now that he's ad adult (at least in years) there's really nothing I can do to prevent him from doing whatever he's going to do. I wouldn't be even considering helping him get to New York or anywhere else. And like I said, this is the end of the line. What he does from here on is totally up to him. His outcomes from here on are totally up to him.

    I suggested he look into sober living programs in Florida but he refused to even discuss it. Today it's New York if possible, or Las Vegas, where he has a friend. He changes his mind about his life choices every other day, so tomorrow it could be somewhere else entirely. I learned a long time ago to just go with the flow, and hope and pray for the best while anticipating the worst.
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  12. Origami

    Origami Active Member

    I think that's a good approach and to not get too invested in his decisions, since he doesn't seem to have a good idea what he wants to do. I agree that NYC is very expensive, though, unless he can find an inexpensive sober living program. I know it took my son quite a while to get into the program he's currently in (Chicago), so I assume there would be a similar waiting list in NYC.
  13. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    He has 28 days to get all the information he needs and his ducks in a row. There's a couple of places we found that takes Medicaid (I don't know what he has to do to get New York Medicaid) and a sliding scale. I'll be doing my own homework as well. And if he can't make concrete arrangement ahead of time then he'll have to get to New York by hitchhiking because I won't be forking over money for an airline ticket unless he proves beyond a doubt he has somewhere to go once he gets there.
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Are you sure his boyfriend won't just find a way to follow him to NY?

    Really, if your son truly wants to be away from this man he can move anywhere and not leave a forwarding address. As long as they are in touch via FB and this guy talks to him, they can find ways to be together. I have heard of addicts hitch hiking from Chicago (my home town) across the country!

    Please think hard. It doesn't sound like you are rich. If son is suddenly begging for rent money in NY can you resist him?
  15. I am sorry you are going through this! Meth is a horrible drug. There is no magic wand you can go through any treatment but the biggest thing is a change of heart, support and accountability. I know one of the best programs is teen challenge it has the best success rate. A new form of therapy called accelerated resolution therapy might help as well. My ex husband is addicted to meth so I know the struggle.
  16. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    If son is suddenly begging for rent money in NY can you resist him?[/QUOTE]

    I don't know if I could if I had money in the bank
  17. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I'm not rich, heck I'm not even middle class at this point. I'll do $50 or $100 for a one-way ticket and that's the end of any large expenditures coming from me. If he can't pay rent or whatever he will have to go to a shelter. At some point he will have to hit rock bottom with no one to help him but himself, and maybe that will be what it takes. But there's also the sad possibility that he will never "grow up" and become responsible and reach even partial potential. It's really out of my hands and in his and God's now.
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  18. Good for you!! The only way he has a chance is if he sees how meth effects him. If you take away the bad he doesn't understand what he is doing is bad for him. My ex husband's mother was a huge enabler she passed away about a year ago. I am shocked that he is still alive and still doing drugs.
  19. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I live in an area in Florida that is rife with homeless people. Some are down on their luck and looking for a way to start over. Some have been living on the streets for years and either don't care to make the effort or actually choose a life on the streets. My son could go down either path. I keep praying that at some point my son will choose to overcome his addiction and acquire the tools he needs to cope with his bipolar disorder. I hope you will all throw in a quick prayer for him too when you are praying for your own loved ones.
  20. Okay this may sound mean but send him up to Minnesota we have excellent care for our disabled and he won't want to stay homeless long we freeze here.