This detachment idea looks promising

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Survivor, Nov 13, 2013.

  1. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Newbie here, but am a survivor of my adult bipolar sons behavior. After years of helping, bailing him out, paying his rent, trying to get him on the straight and narrow, we have seen the light and are trying to detach. He pulled a gun on husband last week and held it to his head, thank god, he didn't pull the trigger, but he did shoot up the neighborhood. He is in jail now and doesn't remember any of it, he was on drugs and manic at the time. He says We made it up and calls with demands on how to get him out. We are not accepting his calls, but he has conned some jailer into using his phone a couple of times. he seems amazed that he could do time over this. He is trying to manipulate me: he loves me; His dad is dead to him;if I ever want to see my grand babies I'll pay the bail ( as far as I know he doesn't have any kids so this must be future kids he's manipulating me with, LOL!) The Shock is wearing off, it's good to have peace at the house again, and I'm trying not to feel guilty about leaving him alone to work it out himself. I've been lurking for a while, just wanted to share and let you know I appreciate all your posts. Knowing there are other warriors & survivors out there gives me hope.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Survivor! Wow, you've been through the mill haven't you? I'm glad you found us but of course, sorry you had to. It sounds like the time has come for your son to face the consequences of his behavior, it's now out of your hands.

    There is an article at the bottom of my post here on detachment, you may find it helpful. Many of us look to NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness for support for US, the parents. They have wonderful courses for parents which are excellent. You can access them online, they have chapters everywhere.

    I hope you and your husband have a good support system, it makes all the difference in the world. Our kids cause a lot of damage to us........after awhile it all just feels normal, but it isn't. Keep posting it really helps. We know how you feel, we've been there..............take really, really good care of yourself now. You've been in a battle and you must be so weary and depleted. Nourish yourself. Be kind to yourself. Remember your joy. Welcome..........
  3. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Thank you, my husband and I are strong and we have great friends and some great family, LOL! I'm sure there is more to come, but he isn't welcome back home, that's for sure. I don't want him in prison, but he must suffer the consequences of his actions. Plan on spending some quality time with friends and enjoy being able to go out without worrying about him stealing from us or trashing the house. Not locking our door at night and leaving it open is such a small pleasure! NAMI is a great org for sure, just gave them money today in my annual charitable campaign at work!
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    As hard as it is to do, he is choosing to take drugs and not comply with his treatment so there is zero chance he will improve under the circumstances. Your husband is lucky to be alive. You have done all you can to give him fresh starts and second chances and he almost killed your husband.

    in my opinion you are doing the right thing. He is too dangerous to live with you and you deserve peace and happiness in spite of his illness and poor decisions for his life. You may want to go to NAMI...they have groups for relatives of the mentally ill.

    I am so sorry you are going through this. Don't let your son manipulate you after what he has done. It is not worth the risk. Hugs!!!
  5. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Welcome, Survivor. Great avatar!

    It must have been awful to go through this last craziness with your son, but the experience seems to have shocked both you and husband into awareness. We never want to believe how unstable our difficult child kids are, or acknowledge how quickly the situation can become dangerous.

  6. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Shocked is the right word! and thank you all for the kind words of support! Will take one day at a time and keep refusing phone calls for now!
  7. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    One day at a time ~ sometimes, just hanging on for the next sixty seconds ~ is a good way to pace ourselves, Survivor. The thing I've found hardest over time is to do what is necessary for husband and my own mental and emotional health without being eaten alive by guilt.

    And by love and regret and hope ~ always and forever, hope that this time, it will be different.

    We parents of troubled adult kids are walking really tough paths. There isn't anything we CAN do but work toward setting ourselves free, work toward protecting ourselves somehow from the depth of emotion all parents feel for their children, but which is so dangerous for us.

    Very hard, but necessary ~ for us ~ to be aware of that.

    I am thankful we are all here to support one another as we learn how to do this.