This is a test, this is only a test of the difficult adult child arguing system.......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tanya M, Dec 15, 2019.

  1. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I have sent my son a few private messages on FB over the last several months. Just simple messages telling him his dad and I are thinking about him and hope all is going well for him. He never responds to them. I do know when he views the messages because it shows on FB messenger. It does not bother me that he does not reply, I've grown used to his silence.
    A couple of weeks ago my husband asked if our son still had his same phone number. The free government phone he got when he was paroled. I told my husband I did not know. I sent my son another FB message asking him if he still had the same phone number as his dad has sent several text messages without a reply and asking if he was doing okay. My son actually replied. His reply was My number is --- --- ----. That was it, just the phone number.
    This morning I'm getting ready for church and I get my phone. I have a message from my son. It's a link to a Youtube video about marijuana and cbd. His message was "Be honest, did you watch?? So??" That was it, that was his message thus the title of this post. I know exactly what my son was doing. He is trying to engage into a debate/argument with me. He knows my stance on pot. I watched the video and simply replied "interesting".
    When my son was younger, still living at home, I expressed my displeasure and disappointment about his pot smoking. I told him as long as he smoked pot to the extent he was, that he would have a difficult time finding employment. He would always argue with me about how great pot was, how it opens his mind and helps him relax. I also would take issue with him about it while I was footing the bill for his housing, clothing, food etc.....
    My son is now 37 and I detached from him years ago. I still do not like that he wastes so much of his life smoking pot but it's his life and I accept that. I just find it amusing in a way that he is still trying to engage me into a very old argument that I gave up on a long time ago.
    This is a test and only a test, you may now resume your regular life..................o_O
     
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  2. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    It seems important to him to get a rise out of you, still, so for all his disconnection, this shows the opposite of that.
     
  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Kay used to do this about the evils of vaccinations AND the wonders of pot. We would answer texts and videos with things like "Thank you" and "We read it." Wouldn't engage her.

    Sometimes she would follow up with an angry call saying stuff like it was sad that we couldn't see her RIGHT point of view and that we must think she isn't smart if we don't agree with her "research." We were horrible parents for not supporting her, blah blah blah.

    If she called me, and she did more than she called Dad, I would usually end the call saying "Somebody is at the door. Later."

    My default is to not engage. But it was hard to listen to her stuff. She also had a need for us to agree that she was right. But we are bad liars.
     
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  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Just read an article about excessive use of pot causing psychosis in some users. The thc levels are off the charts with modern pot. After dealing with my grandsons explosive episodes, and memories of his mother on “just pot” and her unpredictable moods, I have enough proof for me. Maybe some people can tolerate it, it has use as medicine, but like all drugs, there are those who go overboard and become addicted.
    Venting.
    Geez, Tanya, it’s amazing how our adult kids can hang on to a topic for years, decades?
    At least you are on to his ruse.
    ;)
    Leaf
     
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  5. Deni D

    Deni D Active Member

    Yep, the strong variations of pot these days seem to be where their links into alternate dimensions start to develop and where their excuse for lack of common sense and common decency are allowed to thrive and bloom.
     
  6. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I too think our kids smoke weed that is very different from the "grass clippings" we used to smoke in our younger days (so I've heard :-D). My son's issues started around the time he started smoking K2, though I'm not sure the K2 caused his personality changes.

    It is pretty funny that you don't hear from him in months, then right out of the box the only thing he says is trying to "win" the same old argument, which you aren't even engaging in anymore anyway...
     
  7. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    There are some of our kids who seem addicted to/obsessed with pot. At the same time they feel a need for everyone, especially us, to "know" it is "healthy.,"
     
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Honestly until THEY want to stop doing whatever it is THEY are doing, what we say has little impact. JMO!

    Tanya your son is "living his life" the way he wants and I guess that you should just take some comfort in that. I'd say as long as he isn't asking for anything, that is a good thing!

    Hugs xoxo
     
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  9. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    My son does this as well. Round and round he goes wanting me to agree that it is harmless and ok to use .I have stated to disengage and walk away when he talks about drugs. It's funny how it's so important to him to "validate" his use and his view on MJ while knowing that his Dad and I, both, have been in recovery since before his birth.
     
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  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Exactly! I know my son would love nothing more than to "prove me wrong".

    Agree 100%. I just know my son and he wants me to agree with his choices. I don't have to agree with his choices or like them but I do accept them. Yes, he's living his life the way he wants. I just will never understand his timing. All the times I've reached out to just say "Hi, how are you" and I get nothing and when he does reach out it's this. All I can say is I'm glad I have detached from all his chaos. I will always wish him well in whatever he does but will never allow him to drag me down the rabbit hole again.
     
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  11. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Not May's drug. Hers is alcohol. And I mean ALCOHOL!!! Whatever the drug is, I think they do it to stay in a numb state. They dont know what sober is. It's so sad they cant want better for themselves.
     
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    My son has had several periods of being sober the various times he's been in jail. It boggles my mind how my son could be locked for 2 plus years and as soon as he's "free" can't wait to go get high. He has also had a serious issue with alcohol. That was a contributing factor to the last time he ended up in jail. He was drunk and stabbed someone. While he was locked up and when he was on parole, he told me how he knew he had a problem with alcohol and was attending AA meetings. I would like to believe him but I have no way to verify if any of that is true. Only time will tell........
    If I had to pick, I would rather him smoke pot than drink.
    Yes, I too wish he would want better for himself.
     
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think this is very sad, what he did. While he may manifestly say his contact was about marijuana, I think this is a ruse. Something in him is wanting to connect with you, and the only way he can do it is to taunt you with a stick. I don't think it is to hurt you. I think more than that it's because he's afraid to engage in any real way. It's like the stick is a way to protect himself. I think your kind and gracious notes to him, asking for nothing, just from care, are getting to him. I wish he could do better Tanya. He can't. Still. I'm sorry.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 19, 2019
  14. JMom

    JMom Active Member

    K2 was the beginning of the end for my son. Terrible drug!
     
  15. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I think there is an element of truth in what you say but I know my son. His personality is one of pure arrogance and narcissism. My son truly believes he's smarter than everyone. While he does have an extremely high IQ, he does not temper it with any humility or common sense. I don't think he did this to hurt me as much as he wants to "prove me wrong" as this has been his pattern of behavior for years.
    My husband and I will continue to reach out to him and let him know that he is loved.
     
  16. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    It is so very hard. My Difficult Child daughter is in end stage liver disease. She wants to kill herself. I cant get into it, because it's too painful, but long story short, Its hard to try to stay in touch with someone, your child) who only wants money so they can speed up the destructive process.
     
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Pure arrogance and narcissism is a near ironclad defense. But even still, there is need and want underneath, that can seep through. It's Christmas. Could he not feel "want" in a very, very guarded, defended way?
    Happy Christmas to you Tanya.
     
  18. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Perhaps but his belief system is that of Nihilism which basically means he believes in nothing. In the past, he has viciously attacked my belief system calling me naive, blind, stupid, ignorant, etc...... He does not believe in Christmas or any holidays. This is just what he does, reaches out to me out of the blue, no particular time of year and wants to engage me into one of his debates.

    Wishing you a joyous season as well dear Copa. My hubby and I have been very busy today baking Eggnog bread. The house smells wonderful.
     
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  19. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    I hear you, Tanya, because this is the case with my son, too. I have always tried to keep contact, but when he crosses a line, I have to cut contact - as is the case at least for now. As with Blindsided, it's too painful and harmful for me. It hurts, but it hurts more to tolerate his mistreatment and self-destructiveness.
     
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  20. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I hear you too, Tanya. Acacia summed up my feelings too. I am sure our difficult ones have moments when they want a mom in their lives, but (for my son at least) it is just that, a fleeting moment, and not rooted in any desire for a mutually giving relationship. I hope one day that changes, but for now it is far less painful to love him from afar than watch him deliberately hurt himself and the people who love him.